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Severely Torn w. Angst &Guilt

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  • February 18, 2014 at 3:32 am #51243
    aquarianmoon
    Participant

    Had a rough past.

    Married 2 years, together 5. Young child together. We’re young, and love each other so very, very much. My heart and soul belongs nowhere else.

    I myself have personally spent the last two years of my life overcoming alcohol addiction, on top of Severe PostPartumD, and lifelong mental instabilities, labels.

    ~

    We’re finally making it happen. Our goals and dreams are coming true, and our hearts are being fulfilled. I’m more stable than I’ve been in my entire life, ZERO thanks to modern medicine; and I feel the spirit of the Universe in all decisions, coincidences, and happenings. I know that what you give out, you get out, to leave the gist of Karma in simplistic terms.

    But I fear my past will come back to haunt me. Obsessively, sometimes.. And I know this is a form of self-sabotage, which is a key coping-factor for myself. Always has been, but I digress..

    My history with alcohol stems from an alcoholic father, who I feel is likely also a true sociopath. An only child, I grew up separated, with severe emotional issues, and in a severely mentally-abusive household. Oh, the games… Lack of love, or any real emotion except hostility, anger, terror. The love was faked, or so it seemed to my tiny developing brain. I could see and feel the love from outside my homelife……. And what I was given at home did not equate, it just wasn’t really.. there.
    I became suicidal at 11.

    My mother has every disease under the sun, and she will promptly tell you how to cure it naturally, but then never actually fulfill the measures necessary to do so. It seems as if she has a longstanding deathwish, to be honest; and I often believe her mind has created these debilitations from her own personal battles with severe trauma and physical & sexual abuse, as a child herself.
    My life was certainly easier, in retrospect.
    Since high school, its all been pretend. My own horrid upbringing never occurred, according to them, and I’ve created and imagined all hardships as a child. Makes it difficult to discern truth from fiction, as memories are moldable. These people have been removed from our life; a very difficult, and incredibly recent decision I’ve made to better myself, and our young child’s life.

    I coped with alcohol, from a young age, that is certain.
    Before getting caught legally, twice, driving under the influence, I cheated multiple times on my HB, with men and women. I don’t even remember the flings themselves, except for a few being friends or former friends, and this is too close for comfort, in a small place. I am often terrified, for mere seconds, before I regain my mantra and continue to pursue self-forgiveness through focusing on the positive.

    My HB has Taurine tendencies, and would likely go apesh*t if he knew the truth, but I do feel that he would forgive me, over time.
    I feel on a subconscious level we can “read” each others thoughts, for split moments.
    I keep self-sabotaging by subconsciously flashing him the images I do remember from the infidelities, such as if we were laying in bed together with our heads forehead-to-forehead, like we often do, and a horrible memory of my mistakes comes flipping through like a programmed rolodex.
    These images wont leave me alone, and I truly feel that our connection runs so deep, that he might be getting “glimpses” from my subconscious; screaming at him that I’m truly a terrible human being who doesn’t deserve his anythings. The guilt wont leave, but I’ve gotten myself to a point where I am beginning to forgive myself.

    I was not myself when these things occurred, and I am inherently a very lonely person. That is no excuse, but I was mentally/physically drowned during all of these mistakes, and I know that if I hadn’t have been succumbed by my own battle for true coping-skills, that I wouldn’t have put myself, repeatedly, in those situations. For the record, my HB works far away, for half of the year, in bimonthly pattern.
    Of course, I remained sober for a year, and learned very much by dedicating most of that timeframe in a solid rehabilitation state of mind, both with professional therapy, and personal mindset. I feel I have the ability to tap into a realm of conscience not experienced by most, and with a scientific mind, I also feel that the AA memorandum of “You can never control yourself, or change your ability to control yourself,” to be null and void, after participating in the program for several months.
    That rationale goes against every fibre of my being, because I believe the effort heal comes from within. I do occasionally go out, once or twice a month, and I have learned to use the alcohol as a secondary, with the event of personalization and communication being first. I no longer get “out of control”, and have even made many of my previous friendships back, with their concluded astonishment that I have “beaten” alcoholism. I reach my limit, and I stop drinking. Simple as that.
    I no longer think about alcohol in a coping manner, nor is it anywhere near my priority list. This is a huge personal accomplishment. To me, it is merely a tool for socialization, and even then, it isn’t a necessary factor. I can go out and not drink, because I may not feel like it, and I can maintain that perspective all night long. Other nights I feel are acceptable to “kick up my feet” and be with the ladies, let the guard down a bit, and sing/dance/converse and be merry, normal. These things are all attributes that I’ve been told to accept as the “impossible.” However, I’m living proof that this isn’t necessarily true.

    I don’t drink much, hardly at all, but it is a social factor and it is also a large contributing factor for both mine and HB’s parent’s misfortunes and unhappiness. Coming from a long line of trouble due to alcoholism, my inner-person does tell me to give it up completely, sometimes. And when it does, I listen, and I don’t partake until I feel it would be acceptable both from myself, and also from HB. These periods habitually last for a month or so.

    One day I will likely quit completely, again; but for now, I enjoy the occasional night out with friends. I’m still young, in school, a mother. I enjoy being perceived as, and wholesomely feeling NORMAL, on these occasional nights. Thankfully, HB doesn’t drink but once a month as well, and this is honestly our limit.
    For now, you may just assume I’m sober, for the sake of good criticism.

    The pressing issue is in my feelings of inadequacy, of immense hatred toward myself, and the paradoxical thoughts I have simultaneously telling myself, “You weren’t in control when you made those decisions, but you’re still a horrid person that deserves to die alone.”

    Or, “He will always love you, and he would probably forgive you if he knew, but you really don’t deserve it, so why don’t you just tell him so he’ll leave you, and find the person he’s supposed to be with. No, don’t tell him, because it will hurt him, and it would do more harm than good.” …..WTF is this sh*t?!

    I’m sure I’ve just answered my own rhetoric.

    However, even completely sober, I can’t seem to keep from self-sabotaging, even though I know the right thing to do is just forgive myself, and forget the mistakes (not that they’re very clear, anyhow. Remember the rolodex reference.)

    I do deserve his love, but the little sh*thead asshole in me just wants to crawl into a hole a die for the pain I have yet to cause him. Or will I ever even..?

    Fibonacci’s sequence can be a bitch, sometimes.

    I am open to suggestions, unless the only suggestion is to be sober completely.
    Then yes, I know that already, lol. I need something a little deeper, I suppose.
    How do I stop these impulsive self-harm actions and thoughts? How can I overcome my fears, and just let it all go?
    I’ve given it to the Divine I believe in, but there’s a part that is unwilling to let go completely, and this is what chews my heart so much.

    Indecisive impulsivity of self-loathing.

    ~~~~~~~~~
    I worry about the world a lot, too.

    February 18, 2014 at 8:03 am #51254
    Mark
    Participant

    aquarianmoon,
    With your upbringing with the parents you had I find it amazing that you are functioning as well as you do.
    Your pressing issues of your feelings of inadequacy, immense hatred of yourself, and the self judgmental thoughts all probably stem from that upbringing.
    You mentioned going to therapy. Are you continuing to get help?

    Insofar what anything I can offer is for you to focus on self love. The Loving Kindness Meditation is a terrific practice to do daily or even twice daily. I would start with that.
    There are other techniques I’m sure but the whole process of meditation is to be able to BE with yourself; the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful as well. That BEing is accepting. That accepting is loving. It’s a practice.

    Metta,
    Mark

    February 18, 2014 at 10:16 am #51261
    Rae
    Participant

    Hi Aquarianmoon
    I just recently got out of a 4 year relationship with someone who was an addict. I am glad to hear you have found a way to address and cope with alcoholism. That is a huge step in its self along with acknowledging cheating isnt ok. Thats huge! Do you know how many people cant even do that!? =]I agree with Mark I think a lot of what you are feeling stems off your past. I think the best way to deal with theses feelings is to address them with a therapist and figure out what is the next best step or way to approach telling your HB. Personally I feel honesty is the best policy and i feel the only way to rid yourself of these feelings maybe to confront them as scary as that might be, but I would make sure you do it when you are fully prepared and feel stable enough to handle whatever outcome they may produce. When my partner told me they had continued to use behind my back for months my heart broke into pieces because it killed me to see someone I love so much consumed by a disease.It has taken awhile for me to rid myself of the resentments I had towards him but I did it through understand the person he truly is and thats not who he was when he was using. I understand addiction and that it truly is a disease because I saw how torn up my partner was about it and I know him telling me the truth was so hard but the truth set him free from all of the negative thoughts he was having and causing him to continue his cycle of using. I know you said you have tried to be apart of AA and I dont know if you still are but I do know apart of the 12 steps is to make a list of all of your wrong doings. This could help as well. Even if your not in the AA program maybe writing them out and discussing them with someone you trust or a therapist could help.

    Hope this helps & Best of luck

    February 18, 2014 at 12:31 pm #51272
    Matt
    Participant

    Aquarianmoon,

    I’m sorry if it disappoints you to know, but your problems are not very exceptional. Uniquely you, sure, but your issues are normal, usual, boring. You had a tough childhood, and didn’t get enough love. So you sought that love in bottles, penises, vaginas, arms, lips, whatever. Booooring. You and most people do the exact same thing until we learn. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance how to find joy, and we stumble and bumble along the way consistently. Said differently, perhaps you think you “should” have known better. But how could you?

    In my opinion, you are far too entertained by your stories, your issues. Of course they seem big, such as “look at what IIIII did, I’m such a uniquely unlovable being, did much harm to myself and others”. Yep, normal. Yep, boring. You’ve had nothing done to you or done by you that hasn’t been done billions of times. Nothing unlovable.

    That being said, of course there is the real issue of feeling shitty about yourself. I think this is where revisiting the affirmation you deny might be useful. Are you in control of yourself? Can you just stop feeling guilty? Stop feeling shitty? Consider “not being in control” is much like “can’t grow a rose from a thistle seed”. Said differently, perhaps you can’t just find some idea or some therapist that will awaken your self love. Its something you have to grow over time. This is where the real magic comes in, dear friend.

    Consider that perhaps you’ve been approaching it the wrong way… wielding a sword, slicing through your bullshit, stopping yourself from acting certain ways. A conqueror of the old you. This leads to enormous pressure, usually… like shaking up a soda bottle. Instead, consider that as you move toward being gentle with yourself, patient with yourself, the patterns that trouble you naturally erode. Said differently, spending time alone being kind to yourself is a much more lasting repair than wearing a chastity belt, filling your fridge with club soda, or beating yourself up with guilt. As you spend time surrounding yourself with peaceful experiences, such as taking a bath, walking in nature, or listening to soft music, the pressure inside relaxes, unwinds, releases. Then, there’s no crisis to solve, just a beautiful person with some difficulties, like the rest of us.

    Consider Mark’s skillful advice to start a loving kindness mediation practice. Buddha taught that loving kindness (metta) was a key to finding inner peace. Often we think its some path of redemption, some self discovery we have to undergo in order to become peaceful, smooth minded. Nope, Nada, false. As we spend time wishing ourselves and others happiness and peace, we plant the rose seeds, stop planting thistle. Then, there is no battle to win, no “last year’s aquarianmoon” to conquer. Just a beautiful being, awake, alert, ready to spend her time invested in growing happiness for herself and others. Then, guilt moves toward self understanding. Shame moves toward feeling connected. Naturally, smoothly, easily. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

    Finally, remember that we spend a long time learning how to be dysfunctional, and it takes time to learn a better way to approach life. So be tender, gentle with yourself. Yes, there is guilt and self flogging. That won’t last forever, so try to be peaceful, steady, and abide. One Buddhist teacher said that inner peace is most dependent on peaceful abiding. Much like if we go into a smelly bathroom, it becomes clean and vibrant as we accept the smell and get to work. If we huff and haw, we don’t clean what needs cleaning. Or, we barf and add to the mess. Instead, we simply accept that we have a smelly room, and get to scrubbin’. In this instance, “yes, these emotions and thoughts are difficult, painful, but as I spend more time nurturing, caring for myself, the pain subsides, loosens, breaks apart and my body and mind heal from the past.”

    With warmth,
    Matt

    February 18, 2014 at 4:02 pm #51276
    aquarianmoon
    Participant

    Thank you for your kindness.

    Next time, perhaps you may be less inclined to your own entitlements while berating warmly? I do not expect a soft pillow blow. Perhaps my eloquence is the only form of entertainment during a 3am jaunt of painful exploration, and perhaps I really just need something to understand, therefore I delved deeper than I usually let myself.

    I agree with your direction, and your insight is valuable, so you are appreciated.

    I never claimed to be exceptional, nor do I hold my existence higher than the existence of others. One of my larger issues is battling my own self-worth, so of course overcompensation is to be expected, but not accepted. How you gathered extreme narcissism from the adjectives provided, is beyond the information from my heart.

    Perhaps you may be fighting a battle of maintaining an entertaining passion in your own life.

    Compassion can be cruel, and I accept that challenge. To assume, however, only creates invalid opinion based on sensory objectification and internal projection.

    Focusing on the Buddhist principles of inner-peace is certainly a challenge, as billions have found upon their deathbeds and high in the arms of nature;
    but with love and gentle guidance, I’m sure it shall be manifested at some point in my young lifetime. I have lived several lifetimes, already, and I’m hardly two decades into this one.
    This does not give me entitlement. It brings me peace knowing that the wisdom accrued may help others, for we have an exceptionally difficult road ahead, still. Our species is once again having it’s ass lit on fire by the organic, for the damaging effects we create. This has been occurring since the dawn of civilization. This time, they may be irreversible for our species.
    We deserve that.. for playing God will only work against us.

    I feel I am on the right Path to these inner principles, and the acquisition will never be complete. Always a journey, until the next.
    We all are on our own journeys, whether they’re realized or consciously manifested.

    “yes, these emotions and thoughts are difficult, painful, but as I spend more time nurturing, caring for myself, the pain subsides, loosens, breaks apart and my body and mind heal from the past.”

    Thank you.

    February 18, 2014 at 4:07 pm #51277
    aquarianmoon
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you.

    There is a block. Somewhere. I cannot dig it out, but your recommendation is on the Path.

    Truly being with myself is the best advice I’ve been given yet.

    Conquering the stillness of the mind and heart proves to be the most difficult task yet. I feel the Earth, and it’s pain.. I see the devastation we have created, and the physics behind the metaphysical is astounding. We have gotten in too deep.

    My personal issues only compound the true stillness I feel I possess, somewhere. I have a hard time letting the world go, thus in turn, my problems become accentuated.

    I will be looking further into your guidance. You are appreciated.

    Thank you.

    Namaste.

    February 18, 2014 at 6:22 pm #51287
    Matt
    Participant

    Aquarianmoon,

    Whew! Now that’s some good judge-fu. Namaste, sister, may we find freedom. You didn’t seem narcissistic at all, only ashamed of your path, your past, your kin. Sorry if it bit, but my mouth has no intentional fangs. If I projected, I offer my humble apologies. I’m not enlightened, just doing my best to say what seems right, what comes to heart. I’ve had some good teachers, but still fumble and bumble like the rest.

    On my side, I become fearful when “somewhat sudden” seems like the right first thing to say, but I do my best to say what I hope will produce a soft but direct glow of light, aiming for the most healing. My heart is warm, and in my view I am already sitting next to you as a cheerleader for your happiness. You’re my sister, sister! Obviously highly aware, articulate, and emotionally pained… so what will it take to settle the pain, the cycle?

    Remove the judgement and shame is my best guess. How? Well, buddha taught we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy. We have some instincts, but the rest we have to sort out (individually and collectively). So we’re bound to make mistakes, friend. Its inevitable. Consider, for instance, that the shame/guilt is only there because of how much you care. If you were an uncaring person, or didn’t love the BF, your infidelities wouldn’t bother you.

    Addictions are tough, and it make sense that all sorts of issues spring up while in their grip. Its OK, really, even great people make mistakes. Plus, you know the mistakes were deeper somehow, the addiction and whatnot only symptoms. Or am I seeing your dance incorrectly? Projecting?

    Another way of looking at this is like someone with a broken ankle. They might be limping, and in the mind feel bad for limping. But they have a broken ankle, of course limping is going to happen. Of course stairs are going to be tricky. My aim, what seems right to this imperfect heart sharing time with a distant loved one, is to help you stop obsessing painfully about the limping and stair issues, and mend the darn ankle.

    You don’t sound self absorbed, at all, and “obsessing” about yourself is actually a great thing, if you’re aiming right. Pain is designed to capture our attention. Consider that perhaps the whole path of healing the ankle is to become more self nurturing, kinder to yourself, gentler. Usually, or at least often, when we are addicted and bouncing from thing to thing to thing its because we are missing home, looking for home, for light. That’s not bad, it’s natural… all beings wish to be happy. So, all we really need to do is take the time to sit and settle and rekindle our happiness, let it grow, and those symptoms just schluff off. It takes time, patience. Like finding some good seeds and giving them space to grow.

    I hope you consider metta meditation, it really is a wonderful practice. What I see is that if you work to brighten your light, settle the past and move on, then the joy that blossoms in your heart will be shared with the BF. And believe me, with how passionately you seem to express yourself, your sparkle will far make up for whatever stumbles it took to get it glowing.

    Finally, I do find responding to people engaging, but I wouldn’t say entertaining. I have a wife and kids that I have a lot of fun with, hobbies I enjoy and so forth. I respond because it feels right, but actually find it to be a little overwhelming at times. So many people suffering, looking for some light, belief in themselves, a little shelter. As I sit, I see buddhas with strength, courage, passion, kindness and hope, under shrouds of unnecessary (but understandable) suffering.

    If I’m not seeing your dance clearly, or the light is too bright or misaimed, my deepest apologies.

    Namaste, sister, may your path sing with beautiful blossoms.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    March 5, 2014 at 8:52 am #52318
    Will
    Participant

    Scientific research shows it is possible for a former alcoholic to be a social drinker without falling into unhealthy drinking patterns again. AA just got that one wrong.

    February 10, 2022 at 11:10 am #392553
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Aquarianmoon/Reader:

    Aquarianmoon, February2014: “Married 2 years, together 5. Young child together. We’re young, and love each other so very, very much. My heart and soul belong nowhere else… I’m more stable than I’ve been in my entire life… But I fear my past will come back to haunt me. Obsessively, sometimes… I grew up separated, with severe emotional issues, and in a severely mentally abusive household. Oh, the games… Lack of love, or any real emotion except hostility, anger, terror… My own horrid upbringing never occurred, according to them, and I’ve created and imagined all hardships as a child. Makes it difficult to discern truth from fiction… I cheated multiple times on my HB…  I do remember from the infidelities, such as if we were lying in bed together with our heads, forehead-to-forehead, like we often do, and a horrible memory of my mistakes comes flipping through… The guilt won’t leave, but I’ve gotten myself to a point where I am beginning to forgive myself… That is no excuse, but I was mentally/physically drowned during all of these mistakes… my HB works far away, for half of the year… How do I stop these impulsive self-harm actions and thoughts?” –

    -I am not clear if the cheating on your husband was still going on back in Feb 2014 when your husband was working far away. You wrote that you were beginning to forgive yourself, so I assume- but am not sure- that you believed at the time that the cheating was indeed in the past. My suggestions regardless are: (1) Stop the behaviors that you are ashamed of, they have to be in the past, if you are to move beyond them. Identify and list the places and situations that led to the cheating incidents, and make sure that you avoid those people and situations whenever your husband is not physically present with you,

    (2) Build a daily routine for yourself that is independent of your husband’s participation, so that you carry on the same routine whether he is present or working far away. Make the mothering of your child center stage in your daily routine. Include exercise, yoga and guided meditations perhaps and ground yourself in your routine, doing the same things at the same time, every day,

    (3) Attend quality psychotherapy so to process further your severely mentally abusive and horrid childhood, and the games you mentioned, so that you are adequately and confidently able to discern truth from fiction when it comes to your childhood, your parents and yourself, (4) Avoid the company of each and every person who plays games and who promotes said fiction.

    anita

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