Dear LM:

“What happens if all you wanted in life is to feel special and important. But all you get is rejection. Because, people throw away garbage – and that’s how I feel“- I recently heard that one third of all the food that is produced in the U.S. ends up as garbage (starting in the fields where crops are grown but not harvested=> => all the way to kitchens in restaurant and homes): good food, as good as the food that ends up nourishing the hungry.

It is also true that many people who are as worthy as any other person- get treated like garbage, or worse. It is a very sad and horrifying reality that people’s very lives are wasted, taken, misused, harmed, humiliated… not because the abused are garbage but because abusers have other priorities. Do-no-harm is not one of their priorities

“I went through severe rejection my whole life. From severe bullying in school“- I figure that the school bullies’ priority was to assert their social dominance (power) by weakening you, rendering you powerless. It didn’t matter to them that you suffered.

“to getting severely abused by my ex-husband“- I figure that his priority was to rid himself of his stress/ tension (temporarily) by inflicting it on you. It didn’t matter to him  that you suffered.

“After that I went for men who abused me, cheated on me, made a mockery of me, left me for other women“- I figure that their priority (in addition to the above) was to experience pleasure any which way, anywhere, anytime, with whomever. Again, your suffering did not matter to them.

“I hate myself more than anything in this world. I hate what I look like, how I sound, how I walk, how I breathe, how I eat – everything“- your priority is and has been for a while, to join those who abused you: to join the school bullies, the severely abusive ex-husband and the abusive boyfriends… to be on their side, against you. Your own suffering matters to you, but you believe that you deserve it.

“I feel so ugly and worthless and stupid“- you feel these things; you are not these things.

“I just wish I was good enough and that I were a butterfly – but I’m a moth“- you are a good-enough, beautiful butterfly! You just don’t know it yet.

“I’m just so desperate for answers… I hate myself and I’m still contemplating my life. The pain is just too much. I just need answers – because living with myself currently is hell. So if anyone can please help me – because it’s just getting too much“-

-The Answer is to no longer take the side of your bullies and abusers, and instead: take your own side. Make your very life and your health- your first priority. Follow the do-no-harm rule: no harm to yourself, no  harm to others.

You say that living with yourself is currently hell. First thing to do is to get away from those fires of hell, and to find a cool space, a refuge, so that you can contemplate how to live ife (not how to die). Is there such a refuge for you?

anita

How are you, LM? I hope to read more from you.

anita