Oh sweet Jane…

I am so so sorry to hear all that you are going through. I’m not sure who could possibly have words to comfort you right now, as I’m afraid that there are going to be layers of your disappointment, anger, feelings of betrayal, all atop the grieving process. I am so sorry though. I cannot imagine how you must feel. I want you to do something though, woman to woman. I want you to never, ever email your husband’s “other women” back. They are looking for a reply from you, and they will only use it against you. Even bigger though, I want you to ask yourself what replying to or engaging these other women will offer you. I understand that you probably have a few choice words for them, I would too, but I want you to switch your focus on to what/who is the MOST important right now. That is you and your children. You are going to do yourself the biggest favor if you keep that focus. Simplify what you need to simplify. Cut the fat. The “fat” is those other women, thoughts of what else your husband has done/might be doing, feelings you hold against yourself such as “I was never good enough for him”. All of this is nasty fat that you must cut. Because, the truth is Jane: This has nothing to do with you. This is your husband’s problem. It is your husband’s problem that he has been such a coward that he could never be a man to you. It is your husband’s problem that he felt he had to seek out other people to satisfy him. He clearly lacks a relationship with himself, and therefore is consistently seeking outside sources of happiness. All of this is going to take time my sweet friend. If you do one thing, cherish yourself. Hug your own hurt, kiss your sweet hands for the labor of the past 24 years, and treat yourself to kindness and pampering for being an honest wife in the marriage. We each are here for different reasons. And every single one of us is fighting our own personal battles. But please please please don’t take this out on yourself. This is exactly what the “other women” and your husband want you to do, because it deflects from their own pitiful state. You are all you will ever need. Your children too. You already are perfect in every way exactly as you are. You will miss him Jane. You will miss so many things. And that is okay and human and normal. But, all we have in this lifetime at a 100% guarantee of love, support, and friendship is our very own self. Treat it kinder and with more love and sympathy than you ever have. Dress yourself up. Do what makes you feel beautiful. Nourish yourself with the best people, food, and comforts. The best revenge in the end, is living well. You will not change your husband, or his mind. Besides, do you even want to at this point? This is his own cross to bear, and chances are good that he won’t look deep enough into himself to find the deeper meaning of this poor behavior in this lifetime anyway. Don’t try to change him. Don’t try to fix him. Just leave him alone and focus on you. Cut the fat. Let the “other women” fight their own battles. They are no different or better than you. They will not have better outcomes with him than you did. Trust me. Trust the process. Trust yourself. Trust you already have everything you need. Cry. Punch pillows. Go buy a new outfit. Take it back. Laugh at your ridiculousness. You are one amazing woman. Don’t let strangers make you think differently. These woman should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. They are not real women. Real women live genuinely. You reach out to me anytime. You are going to get through this. Not over it, through it. Be patient. Reach out. Know that there are people that you’ve never even met that already love you. One of them is me.

Jane, your post was like reading a chapter from my life…I’ve spent 20 years with a similar man (I’m 40 – so half our lives)…2013 was the year that I said the madness needed to end. Unlike you, after many other clues, symptoms, incidences, confessions, discord, and a full fledged affair – I stayed and tried to make it work for our child for almost 3 more years – because I was so terrified to wound my child with divorce. I can assure I completely regret this decision- most of all for myself…so as numbed, shocked, lost, hurt, humiliated, enraged, deep in the heart of darkness that you are feeling, and broken as you may seem – and you will especially when you have spent so long with someone – it is truly phantom limb syndrome…I encourage you down the path you are choosing. I have had to not only forgive my ex but myself for staying and wasting my time, furthering my own hurt, my own humiliation, continuing to disrespect myself and give away my power…

And here’s the thing you can’t possibly know right now…you will weep, you will sob, you will shake, you will scream, you will probably contemplate death…and when you are empty…you will find that still small quiet voice…that is you…that has been buried so long…and you will begin to find a strength you never knew existed…you will begin to find love for yourself you never knew was possible…you will have longer moments of peace…spaciousness…new air…new thoughts…you will heal…

I encourage to be kind to yourself. Hug yourself – really do it…as you lay in bed, as you wake up…write in beautiful lipstick on your mirror affirmations to yourself – because darling it’s your mirror now anyway;) Love yourself…read anything and everything about affairs, about self love, meditate, cling to all the masters…listen to any and all music that helps…Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart” is so beat up from re-reading…but it saved my life…yes it did…(and her journey starts with her husband’s affair too)

And do not respond to another woman’s rage…that would be very disrespectful to yourself…and frankly you’ve already been disrespected enough…

3 quotes I leave you:
“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier” Diane Von Furstenberg

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

“The more we hold on, the more we lose. And the more we release ourselves to the chaos, the more we are able to live inside the magic, the mystery, the swells of the tide as it shifts all around us -Allow yourself such psychological flexibility of holding two seemingly opposite experiences at the same time – honoring the negative feelings but being actively open to receive answers at the same time. Let it be. There will be an answer, let it be.”- Swati

Much love, peace, power, wisdom, and OM…your Warrior Princess is being birthed…may the force of love and light shine deep into your heart tonight – xo

Jane,
I am sorry you are going through that pain. If you decide to forgive, you will get over the pain. I hope you find the strength t send him packing and you can start your new life, there may be your soul mate waiting for you.

Dear Jane 16,
Everything that has been said i can only echo – you will make it, and you deserve the best, as an honest and decent woman. I know the pain of betrayal. Its awful, horrible, like a pain both physical and emotionally tearing us apart. But that what seems to overpower us will not. You ar strong and you will push on thru as you said. U will emerge as you again, and you will see that you will be happy.

We are all rooting for u and wihing u a happy new year – which you will have, despite all of this.

Follow your path.
Blessings and warm wishes sister. Xx
barbara, dublin, ireland !