Hi there! Thanks for the reply. Sorry to hear that you are also going through mourning a loss at moment.

I feel the breakdown in the relationships is my fault for firstly talking to other men about things including our relationship. He asked me not to lie to him after the first instance. I should not have flirted with another man. I should not have met up with the guy again even though it was innocent.

I should have communicated more but sometimes found it difficult as I believed it would end in confrontation with my previous alleged misdemeanours being brought up. For the past few years I have resorted to actions rather than words. Supported him in his business, looked after our home and the dogs whilst managing my own career. All the smaller gestures such as dogs walked, shopping done, food waiting on the table. All of which showed my care and love for him.
Ive begun to realise that Im a nurturer and have been nesting. I spent a good few years working on my happiness and decided that work is not as important as a family. Im 38 and my thoughts have been drifting towards children so much so that I visited my doctors to ask for fertility tests. I wanted children two years into the relationship, he didnt at that point. Then a few years later he wanted them and due to past events I was unsure. He told me recently that I had said I definitely did not want them. I was unsure but have never said no. So with this uncertainty I didnt tell him about my wants and the tests as I didnt want to disappoint him if I wad infertile.

So now he has left me. I desperately want children (with him) and dont want to start again.

Yes, I can have friends who are males. It’s the fact that I crossed a boundary and became flirtatious via email with the man in question. No excuses really but it was at a time when I really needed emotional support and more attention from my partner. I had left friends, my job, a life in a place I had spent over 10 years to be closer to him. I knew the other guy from my previous employment. At the time I was doing a masters degree and he tried to help me out. He provided attention and I took it. There was never anything physical as there was no attraction. The guy was at least 25 years older than me. I didn’t tell my partner of the friendship. I was out one evening with a crowd of people from university and the guy was there. My partner tried to contact me but I was in a busy pub and didnt hear my phone ringing. I left the pub quite late and phoned my partner. He was at my house. He claimed I had abandoned my dog etc. He had somehow got into my email account and found some messages. Messages to the guy and to a couple of associates – stupidly I bragged about the friendship, saying I would runaway with the guy. I don’t know why I did this? To feel powerful, to gain kudos from the associates?!

Following this my partner asked for the passwords to all my account which I duly have him. He told me that if ever the guy got into contact with me I had to inform him. Two years later…as I said above…I met up with him. We talked about life and a PhD. The guy was obviously attracted to me and I naively thought that was okay. He followed me to my car and said we needed to talk some more. Back of the car (yes stupid) and he tried it on. I asked him to get out. He did. However, i,h. as wouldn’t start. It’s old and the windows steam up really easily so when we were talking I put on the heater. I wanted to make sure that we were visible. I had to get someone from the pub to jump start the car as the guy had fled the scene…embarrassed?! My partner found out about this and understandably went ballistic at me. I shouldn’t have met the guy. My partner to this day thinks there was something sexual/physical going on. There was not. I am attracted to my partner and no other.

In the aftermath of this I moved in with my partner. We were both still coming to terms with everything. Then my mum was diagnosed with breast and bone cancer which was completely out of the blue. Emotions were very high and I suppose due to the previous incidents my partner was not there for me. I spoke to a male friend at work on a couple of occasions after giving him a lift home. My partner found out this (tracking my phone) and again…assumed that I was sleeping with the friend. He told me that I needed to go to counselling which I agreed and went for two years. He also told me that he thought I was bipolar and needed specialist help.

As I’ve said above, I still really love him and have done everything he asked of me in the last few years. I didn’t respond to his valentines card due to the offensive front cover and I needed to process the contents. He offered me the rest of his life in the card so am confused as to his change of mind… All I an think of is how much I want to start a family with him.

I wish I could be as strong as you but I am far from it. His leaving has left a massive hole in my life and I am really struggling emotionally. I have few friends, he (and his mum) were my closest friends. I am very much alone.