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Senior in college and I can't stop making giant mistakes. How to cope better?

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Senior in college and I can't stop making giant mistakes. How to cope better?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • July 6, 2016 at 6:21 am #108938
    Robert M
    Participant

    Hello everyone.

    So this summer has been a series of huge disappointments for me, none of which weren’t entirely my fault AND none of which I’m really entirely certain I’d never make again. Most recently, last night I discovered that for the second time this year I totally forgot to submit my hours for my job, and I’m not going to get paid on Friday in time for the camping trip that I’d been planning for months prior. This is just after meeting with my parents in which so much of our conversation brought up little disorganizations and social shortcomings of mine to the point where once I started just going off on a rant about how none of my things work and everything I own just falls apart because my cell phone is cracked and at the point of struggling to function far too much for me having gotten it a mere 7 months ago, and my parents afterward almost looked sort of like they’d just been hit by a sudden burst of very powerful wind. I had to drop the class I was taking this summer because no matter how much I studied I just plain failed the midterm. I failed to be able to sign up for a different class at the community college because I procrastinated completing the paperwork for that class for too long. All the while my parents have been pressuring me to save 25% of my paycheck in permanent savings each pay cycle, but that simply has not been happening because every small expense always adds up to more than I ever seem to be able to keep track of, and I want to be able to actually enjoy some of my ever-waning remaining college years/youth. Yes I’m very ADHD, and it just seems sometimes like every little aspect of my life can be traced back to making me remind myself of something dumb that I forgot, stumbling into something a day late and a dollar short, and my general lack of preparedness or achievement academically or socially.

    I know there are going to be points over the next two weeks when I’m just furious with myself for once again messing up something so important. I know that I can function as a competent adult human being with a cycle of habits that keeps him happy and productive without his life falling apart this easily, I just can’t believe how easy it seems for all of my peers to be this way when here I am messing up some of the most simple aspects of my life (literally forgetting to click a button that gives me the money I need to have my summer and that I’m supposed to be saving). I know that I deserve to enjoy my summer regardless and not let it be ruined by my mistakes though, and I’m so sick of feeling like I just can’t hold my life together and thinking every single day of how much I regret the level of organization and responsibility that my parents, teachers, peers and superiors have always known me for.

    I’m tired of being the adorable goofball airhead that everyone has always seen me as. It doesn’t work for me. I’m going to see a counselor soon but until then, You guys have given me some pretty solid advice before, how can I stop defining myself by shame over my constant mistakes? Because lately it’s been dragging me down emotionally like it never has before. Thank you all so much and I hope you have a great day.

    July 6, 2016 at 8:46 am #108957
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Robert Malecki:

    To understand you further I am asking the following: what do your parents say to you about your “giant mistakes”? And while you were growing up, what did they communicate to you about making mistakes? Was it okay with them when you made mistakes or did they expect you to be perfect? Did they communicate to you that you are goofy from birth, unable to do things right?

    anita

    July 6, 2016 at 9:20 am #108966
    Robert M
    Participant

    That’s sort of a tricky question to be honest. I’d just like to clear up that in no way was it physical/verbal abuse or anything particularly close to it, and they aren’t particularly negative people at all, it’s just a tendency of theirs to constantly want to correct little things about my behavior in any way that parents as loving as they have always been should but so often and so bluntly that it comes off as slightly insulting when I’m trying to have an unrelated conversation. Related to the massive things that I’ve messed up recently like having to drop out of the one class I was trying to take over the summer, they’ve been really understanding that sometimes one can be so disorganized that it’s hard to manage trying to pull one’s life together and tackle a really hard class at the same time, so those aren’t really so much a concern with them as they are with me having trouble not ruminating on them. My parents haven’t really explicitly been treating me like I’m ‘goofy’, but that’s really just been more of a general consensus of most of the things I’ve been involved with like when I was on the rowing team last year (being the slowest rower that didn’t eventually quit and ultimately not making the team the following year despite being ridiculously close), and a ton of recurring jokes and nicknames about me from the summer camp that I’ve worked at for the last several years. I know this is something about myself that I should just try to embrace and enjoy who I am, but for some reason I just can’t stop being negative about the fact that this has been a recurring theme throughout most of the numerous things I’ve been involved with in my life. My parents have always told me that I’m the best and very capable, and that I put myself under too much pressure actually. It’s just most other people that communicate the other things.

    July 6, 2016 at 9:57 am #108975
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Robert Malecki:

    Regarding your last post, you wrote about your parents: ” it’s just a tendency of theirs to constantly want to correct little things about my behavior…but so often and so bluntly that it comes off as slightly insulting when I’m trying to have an unrelated conversation.”

    Can you give me a few examples of this tendency of theirs? One or two examples from as long ago as you can remember, when you were the youngest? And a couple or more examples that are strongest in your memory?

    anita

    July 7, 2016 at 7:43 am #109072
    skybarr
    Participant

    This is not hard — I’m going to tell you how to solve this in a practical way. Your past doesn’t matter and no psychoanalysis is necessary. You don’t need to cope — you just need to fix this in a down-to-earth way.

    First, go to the store and buy yourself some Post-It notes. You know, those little squares of paper that have a strip of adhesive on the back that you can stick anywhere.

    Whenever something comes up that you need to remember, write it down on the post-it note and put it on your bathroom mirror. This means you will see it at least twice a day. Write something like “SUBMIT HOURS FOR JOB BY 9:00 AM FRIDAY!” and stick it on your mirror right smack-dab in your line of vision while you’re shaving or brushing your teeth. Put these notes on the dash of your car if this is a better place. Or in both places if needed.

    Next — buy an actual calendar with squares that you can write in, even if it’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles calendar. Put it on the wall by the mirror in your bathroom. Keep a sharpie in a bathroom drawer. Write your reminders on the calendar as well, and check it every morning as you’re getting ready for the day.

    Next — when your phone is working again, calendar your deadlines and set pop-up reminders and / or alarms.

    Next — carry a small pad of paper and a pen in your backpack. If something comes up you need to remember or want to make note of, write it on the pad and review it every evening. You could, of course, also write yourself a note on your phone, but I believe actually handwriting on the pad might help you to remember better.

    Next — if you can see a disaster potentially happening down the road if you don’t do such-and -such, take action to prevent it NOW. Don’t say, “Oh I’ll remember to fix that later.” Nope, prevent it now. For instance, when my children were small and there was a glass of water that was too close to them on the dining table, there was always the possibility that they would knock the glass over. But you don’t let it happen — you move the glass out of their reach NOW to avert disaster. You don’t just hope they won’t knock the glass over and you don’t hope you remember to do it later — you prevent disaster before it has a chance to happen.

    Next — realize that things like a malfunctioning phone happen to everybody, and you just have to FIGURE IT OUT. Keep at it until you do.

    The thing is, in life everything falls apart if you don’t keep on top of things. The people who don’t actively prevent their lives from falling apart become the failures. You’re obviously too smart for that, and I don’t want it to happen to you. I’m no organizational expert, but I guarantee you that if you’ll use the tools above your life will start to run much more smoothly.

    Said with love, and with a sincere wish to help 🙂

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