Dear Natasha:

I think that for the purpose of improving your relationship with him it is best that you no longer talk to his family members about him. When his aunt suggested he is not the man for you, pointing to something negative about him, I suppose- why is it that your conclusion is that in the relationship with his aunt, it is he who is in the wrong? Isn’t it possible that his aunt has wronged him, even mistreated him? It is no wonder to me that he was displeased with you having a conversation with her about him. I wouldn’t like it either.

If he is your man, if he was to become your fully committed partner, there must be trust, not a partial trust but complete trust. He must know that you are on his side, not on his aunt’s.

Regarding your son Noah suffering when you suffer in the context of this relationship, I strongly believe that you must protect him from such suffering and do whatever it takes to protect him, be it ending the relationship or otherwise adjusting it so that your son doesn’t suffer.

I hope you post again with an update about the therapy- I hope it is helpful.

anita

Dear Natasha:

To be on his side, you need not only have the intention to be on his side but to actually behave in practice,  accordance to this intention. When you are on his aunt’s side and his aunt speaks badly about him, then in practice you were not on his side.

You wrote that you spoke to his aunt “because of her role she plays in Carlos life”- but you don’t know what role that was, you don’t know it was a role that was good for Carlos. Learn about that role from Carlos, not from his aunt.

If you want Carlos to believe that you are on his side, don’t tell him with words, show him with your behavior, with thoughtful choices you make.

anita

Dear Natasha:

It is not that “love is not enough”- it is that love is about loving a person not only in the ways you think are right but in the ways that the person needs to be loved.

When you don’t love Carlos in the way that he needs to be loved (to take his side/ to not talk about him with his aunt), it is not that you don’t love him enough, it is that you don’t love him at all.

It is similar to this example: you love Noah and you enjoy carrot cake very much. But Noah hates carrot cake, it makes him feel bad to eat it. But you insist he eats it because you enjoy it, because you feel like eating it. This is not love.

anita

Dear Natasha:

You are welcome. I am glad you are feeling better. For the purpose of the relationship getting better, I want to attend a bit more to the issue of the aunt. Last thing you wrote on the issue a few posts ago was: “regarding to the aunt matter, definitely, never trusting any couple issue to nobody, I would talk to him only”-

what hurt the relationship is not that you trusted a couple issue with the aunt but that you betrayed Carlos by talking about him behind his back, listening to negative criticism of him and then telling him about it. I understand why it distressed him so much that you did these things and why it hurt the relationship. You betrayed his trust in you.

You wrote that you told him what the aunt said “”with the purpose to motivate him to change and become a better person”-  it does not motivate a person to hear negative criticism, and you can see it for yourself: it hurt Carlos and it hurt the relationship.

anita

Dear Natasha:

Your thread makes me think of the saying “work wiser, not harder” but replacing the verb work with love: love wiser, not harder. It is about making choices thoughtfully, with forethought, thinking before we act about what we are about to do: will it benefit or hurt me/ the relationship, what will it make him feel if I do this, and then deciding what to do, if anything at all.

Preventing problems is always better than creating them and then trying to fix them. With forethought most problems people have  could be prevented.

anita

Dear Natasha:

I like what you wrote: “even more important than (to choose your battles), to think if I really want to fight one”- fighting harms love and if you want love with Carlos, better not fight.

Thinking before you act will definitely bring some good changes into your life, I have no doubt. It doesn’t mean you will get everything you want, of course, but you have way more chances of that when you think before acting.

Practice this every day- no circumstance is too small or insignificant for this practice. Practice in small ways and you prepare yourself for the big ways.

anita