Natasha,

When you read this be prepared to get what you deserve, an outpouring of love and compassion from the countless amazingly beautiful people on Tiny Buddha.

There is so much going on here that I am not sure where to start so I will offer some of my thoughts that I hope you welcome. Also, give Noah all the love you have. It will be a priceless gift to him as he is to you.

My thoughts now are just off the top of my head, from my heart. I shall get back to you later in detail as I need to digest all of what is hurting you with the hope that I can offer some useful words.

Know that Carlos’ “illusion on love and men” is unique to Carlos, that I assure you that not all men are that way. In fact, it is those characteristics that you see in Carlos, the alcohol, the partying, the flirtations, that if they are not corrected, they will destroy a relationship thus shaping your negative opinion of men.

When you said,  “he was the man that was rescuing me.” I am curious how one can place any value in a person who has a self-destructive life style and rescue you and create the ideal relationship that you want. It reminds me of the saying, “Trust me” said the spider to the fly. We all know how that turns out.

When you reflected on what you said, “the only thing that came out of his mouth is “break up with me if you are so unhappy, I am fine, our relationship is fine.” This reads to me, go ahead. I don’t care. There are other people out there for me. Why do I say this? Because “A week ago we fought over a text message I found in his phone”

One thing that I find that contributes to this demise is when you said, “And I have always accepted his terms, even now.” This is why this hurt and uncertainty continues, because you ” have always accepted his terms, even now.” Accepting a relationship with him is to willing to be second in his life because ” he was talking to another woman telling her how how hot and beautiful she was.”

When you said, ” I slapped him, we have a horrible fight, we broke up, he told me a thousand times during the fight, “leave me coward, break up with me,” I see two things, although there are probably more. One being when you slapped him. I understand the anger and frustration taking over but resorting to violence crosses the line regardless of who initiated it. What Noah sees, Noah learns. The second thing that is obviously characteristic of a fractured relationship is him resorting to childish, immature name calling. I am wondering if this name calling is an expression of the alcohol.

When you asked yourself, ” if I marry this guy, woud I be happy?” With responsibility comes accountability and unless he acknowledges that his self destructive and verbal abuse have no value whatsoever and that he needs to change, and with your willingness to accept his terms as you say, and look toward him to rescue you, you will not only be not happy, but Noah will more than likely learn to live this way as well. Noah DOES NOT DESERVE to be exposed to this way of life.

Natasha there are SO many amazing, wonderful, beautiful things waiting for you and Noah. Those things are not found in a man who treats women like this. Leave this man, and I use that word loosely, and go for the things that you and Noah deserve, a life full of love, peace, and happiness. Buddha taught dharma. Embrace it.

Pearce

Dear Natasha,

Thank you for sharing your experience and your troubles. From what you wrote it is clear that you are a strong young woman who loves and cares deeply for others.

It is my hope that you consider the advice I have to offer.

Even though you may feel sad and disheartened over the whole situation with Carlos, it may surprise you to find that the answer to all of this lies within yourself.

I encourage you to fully embrace your motherhood journey. Remember, Noah will be a child only for so long. Cherish and fiercely protect the time that you have together. For now, you are Noah’s entire world.

Do not despair or give up on love, redirect your focus towards yourself. Your story shows that you do not hesitate to love and sacrifice for others …. Can the same be said about the relationship you have with yourself?

My advice is to put yourself first. Love and respect yourself enough to know that you ultimately deserve better. Never settle for less. If Carlos is not willing to put in the work to make your relationship functional and healthy, it may be time for you to weigh other options. There are always other options.

A final note: Noah will learn from the examples you set for him. Choose to be with a man that reflects the values you want Noah to have.

– S.

Dear Natasha:

It reads to me that, as you understand it, “the adrenaline (rush)” died down for him. He may still love you, as he claims, but reads to me he got very comfortable with your attachment to him, believing, maybe, that no matter what, you will be with him, so he doesn’t have to try hard. Not as hard as he tried at the beginning.

You wrote: “There are days when I feel like I am too demanding, or that I am just too intense or fierce, cause if I could I would spent every single minute of my life with him”- maybe you have been too demanding, maybe you tried to take “every single minute” of his life and it was unreasonable. I don’t know.

I wish you had better communication with him directly, not through his cousin, that you were very clear about his state of mind regarding the relationship/ breakup with you (whatever the current status in his mind/ your mind). It would be good if there was a … meeting of the minds in this regard.

anita

Dear Natasha:

Love and loyalty should be continuously appreciated, not be used as a license to take a person for granted and disrespect the loving and loyal person. When he does return from his trip, I hope you find a way to communicate clearly to him that your love and loyalty deserve respect.

(After all, if he disrespects your love and loyalty for him, he doesn’t deserve those…)

anita

You are welcome, Natasha. I am looking forward to your next post.

anita

Hi Natasha,

I read your post, and felt it made me so sad. Please don’t marry this man Natasha. You are miserable with him now, he is disrespectful, only wants to see you on weekends, talks to other women on the internet. Marrying him, will only make things worse. If he has not grown or matured by now, only he can change, he has unresolved issues, most likely he will need a professional counselor to sort things out. He is a loose cannon. I think deep down you know this.

You deserve better, for you and your little boy, to be a loving, stable relationship with a healthy and happy man.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Eliana.