I feel lost.

I am Cindy, Carlos is my boyfriend. We have been together for a year and couple of months, I have a son, from a previous relationship his name is Noah, he is 2 years old now. Carlos came into our lives when Noah was 6 months old. Noah’s dad broke up with me twice during the pregnancy, the first one when I was 3 months pregnant and then 6 months. I felt like I was going to die, but I didn’t thank God, Noah is a healthy happy boy, and we made it, I try to be a good mother and human being for him.

How did I meet Carlos? Well, I met Carlos when I was probably 16 years old, now I am 28. Carlos is my cousin’s cousin, but we are not related at all, he came into my life when I was dating a crazy guy from another country and tried to convince me to break up with him, because supossedly he liked me, and I was his crush, but I never found out how much of that was a joke and how much was real, because Carlos is a joker and pretty flirtatious, he likes making jokes and laughing all the time,  I didn’t break up with my boyfriend at that time, we end up telling each other horrible things, he got mad, we stopped talking for years, till 2015 Christmas he suddenly appeared at my grandmas house, know that on 2015 Carlos mom passed away from cancer and I felt so sorry for him, never went to the funeral, so I started talking to him, like nothing had happenned between us, and that night was different and kind of magical, we both felt a sparle for each other I think, adn even more with his background as he says until today that he “always liked me”

Anyways, important fact, Carlos was a party animal, surfer boy, ladiesman, the guy that was looking for fights at the clubs, drunk, player, etc for his whole life, so he had zero credibility in my family, or anyone actually. Carlos is not a handsome guy, he is more like the classroom clown, making everyone laugh and entertaining people, I liked Carlos as a friend, but I never saw him with different eyes, excuse for my honesty but I always thought he was a NOT good looking guy, and wonder how did he get any woman to be interested in him.

After that Christmas, Carlos dissapeared for a month or so, and came again into my life on February, we started texting, but he was always laughing and making jokes about us and everything that I got confused between the joke and the reality, until we went out for a meal, our “first date” supossedly, and the first words that came out of my mouth were, “are you serious with this?” and he said “yes”

This was the first time I saw Carlos serious, so I said to myself, “okay” here we go, cause somehow I liked what I was feeling.

Carlos started behaving as the perfect gentleman, he changed diapers, he took care of Noah, he was interested in learning how to feed him, carry him, put him to sleep, everything. He didnt have a car, he rented cars to take me where I wanted, rode a bus, walked for hours, begged me to meet him at the park near my house, because, of course, no one knew we were together, we were secretly talking to each other and dating, but he was the best, sometimes, he begged me to come out or go to the park, just for a kiss, or to look at me. He was inlove, I was inlove with him, he was the man that was rescuing me from the disgrace I had lived before and during the pregnancy, he gaved me back the illusion on love and men, cause I had lost it.

Things were perfect, we were officially a couple, he asked me to be his girlfriend, he was romantic, he gave me love and made love like nobody else had ever done it before to me.

We were good for a couple of months, but then we started sharing weekends together, that means he would pick us up on Fridays, and spent the weekend together until Sunday, I would go back to my aunt’s house where Noah and I live. We talked about marriage several times during those months Carlos was so inlove, me too, but dont get me wrong I have always dreamed of that perfect wedding, I  am plannning to get married only once and I have aways wanted to plan it right, and not forget any detail. So I kind of make him think again and wait, till we could save some money and have our wedding and our place together, just to be safe and neeer have money problems.

Months went by, and what I feel happenned, maybe I am wrong or not, Carlos just got used to see me on weekends and that was enough, he didnt want to text during the day, he would get mad if I called him during his working hours, this probably happened when we had one year together, everything changed, he even told me we werent ging to see each other during the week, cause we already had the weekends, and that if I had anything to say to him during the day I could text him and he could read when he had time and answer back, if not, I had to wait.

And I have always accepted his terms, even now, we dont spend time together during the week, we only meet for the weekends, and sometimes I feel like he picks us up on Fridays because he has to, not because he wants to, he doesnt show himself excited to see us, he doesnt change a single diaper anymore, since a long ago, one day he just told me he wasnt going to do it anymore, and Noah is my son, so I could never make him do anything for him because is not his responsability.

I spent all the time I have with Noah, his dad, visits him on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and takes him with him on Saturdays, every 15 days, only for a couple of hours.

Carlos says he loves me, and Noah, that he loves us, he says his plans havent changed at all, that were still getting married and having a family and that I am the only woman he sees himself with in the future, but whenever I talk to him about marriage, he says not yet, maybe next year, he rather spent time with his friends, go to the gym or sleep than to be with us.

We have argued about this several times, I have told him that I feel everything has changed, that hedoesnt love me anymore, not like he used to at least, he stopped telling me if I looked beautiful, we only held hands whenever I held his, and the same with kissing, sex was the same, but I guess he is a really sexual person, I dont know, anyways , at the end of the day I would tell him how I feel and tried to find answers with him, and the only thing that came out of his mouth is “break up with me if you are so unhappy, I am fine, our relationship is fine.”

There are days when I feel like I am too demanding, or that I am just too intense or fierce, cause if I could I would spent every single minute of my life with him, I love him, and when I am not with him I feel sad and empty, I feel that I need him,he makes me feel secure, and he gives me the same feeling with Noah, in order to raise himand ake care of him, like whn he is around everything works better.

I dont really have anyone in my life besides Noah, I dont talk to my Mom, sometimes I talk to Dad, but he has a family of his own. I only have my grandparents, they are the ones who have helped me with Noah, and have taken care of me, I live in a room at my aunts house with Noah in front of my grandparents house.

I cant say that i hate my life, but I dont like it either, not having family and almost no one to give my love to besides my son, I gave Carlos everything, I worked for his reputation, and just to make the long story short, now my family likes him and accepts him, but that cost me tears and sweat, it wasnt easy, I gave him my new love, after the disgrace, and the most valuable thing I have my son, I gave him his time and his love to, and now it just seems like he is still with us, just because, but we do not make him feel anything anymore,or so it seems.

Carlos doesnt have a family either, his sisters live far away, his broher lives iwth him, but they dont even talk to each other that much just to pay bills, and some other matter about the house where they live in, nothing more, and his dad lives with his new wife, he doesnt spend time with him.

A week ago we fought over a text message I found in his phone, he was talking to another woman telling her how how hot and beautiful she was (this woman is not hot or pretty at all) he was just telling her this things cause he needd a favor from her. I know it is true, Carlos has never cheated on me and even until today I do not think he would do it. Anyways, he told me “I feel sorry for you I you feel less than her, shame on you, I am not disrespecting you with that message” and that came back again with “if you do not like it break up with me” and started making fun of me, laughing for how I could sad about that message, I slapped him, we have a horrible fight, we broke up, he told me a thousand times during the fight, “leave me coward, break up with me, you are always telling me you are going to do it and you never do” so I did.

He went on a trip, a work trip, but he is also taking time to surf and enjoy, it is practically a holiday too, we havent talked ot each other much, he only texted he still loves me and that he misses me, I said me too.

He is changing his profile pictures so I can see how much he is enjoying, not texting me a word, but I have his car, and his cousin that is more my friend than his cousin, she plays by my side, she is playing dum with him, acting like she doesnt know a thing, and Carlos is following up, they are talking about a ring, that just now I found out, which made me even more sad, cause before this fight he was planning on proposing, but now everything is broken.

On the other side, I cant help to think, if I marry this guy, woud I be happy, I asked him to go to counseling, and he says he is fine he doesnt need that.

Sometimes I feel God is sending signals to leave this man, but really sometimes he is the best, a wonderful man and dead, I swear, I feel like giving up on love. I have always been so romantic, and believed in love with strength and faith, but now I do not know what  I feel anymore, only sadnees and uncertainty.