Dear Anita,

I want to access this inner child more, perhaps start to open up parts that are quite hidden, that I am disassociated from – I know it will take time and this will be an ongoing exercise, with breaks, and different phases.

Perhaps I will start here:

Sometimes when I go to school I notice that the other girls, the American girls always talk with each other, they play with each other over the summer and all of their moms are friends. My mom said American people have each other like that – and they stick together.  Not us – we aren’t apart of that.

soemtimes my mom tells me to call one of those girls to ask to play.  i get invited sometimes, and it is fun.  their moms make us snacks and we all hang out.  i feel good that I got invited there.  its fun in the summer to go to different pool parties.

when i get home we eat dinner.  we eat dinner at the table all of us.  my mom makes something like tacos in the summer moer, i love tacos – and we all eat.  it is fun because it is summer – and after dinner we can sit outside on the deck..

years later…as an adolescent, dinner time starts changing.

Dear Anita,

I have started some recent research on accessing this.  I have not come across those exact books yet, but I am sure I will.

I brought this up because you brought up the importance of accessing young cali Chica to me, thank you.

Back in present day,

My husband and i spoke again and we talked about how it is stressful for him, my erratic/frenzied energy.

Sometimes, I feel  I am “doing  better” but I realize I still come across this way – projecting this frenzy.  It is not that I want to inhibit it per se, but perhaps channel it better.  Sure yoga, exercise, etc helps – but I notice I still am not entirely aware of it.

Perhaps it really boils down to, pinching myself before I speak – as in, really thinking – is what I am about to say next a knee jerk from frenzy, or a thought out response of meaning (useful).

let it be quiet.

okay. I will practice today – and report back tomorrow.

have a very good rest of your day.

Dear Anita,

Happy Friday.  I took some time alone last night.  An hour or so before bed. Sitting in my bed, reading and writing – a nice candle lighting the room, a healthy glow, some rain outside.

I thought about a few things, and I wanted to cry – that feeling of so bad wanting to cry and let something out, not a full catharsis, as that is a high expectation, but something.  Have you felt like that before? Often… Iremember feeling like this all the time.

So I did what people do, I looked for something on TV that would help me cry – knowing that it would likely not work.

As I flipped through the channels, I came across an old movie i used to love in my childhood.  It described the movie and the synopsis under neath.  The movie is called The Little Princess.  It is about a girl who ends up living in and discovering India because her father is at some war.  I didnt remember much about it.

In the synopsis it says something about how at the end, the girl cries out and says “Papa! Papa!” as she finds out her father was lost in the war.

I didn’t remember this part of  the movie, but when I read it – I felt something strong.

I felt sadness for my father, I thought about how he was abused as a child/more emotionally neglected and put down, and was treated poorly.  He then grew up to marry my mother who was of course abusive herself . He was a man that never healed.  He went from trauma to trauma, no understanding of his baggage, his anger – and lashing out, accumulating more trauma.  I felt empathy for this man, who unlike me, never gained awareness, or understanding – never did or would heal.  I felt empathy for his pain, and for his condition.

But I also saw reality, yes often the abused become the abusers – yes, more often than not – when they have not healed.  And how many people take the healing journey? I thought about the abuse he inflicted on me, as a puppet of my mother or not.  Regardless, the objective reality of his life, and the effect on my sister and I.  Crystal clear, someone tormented inside, projecting out hate and anger out to those vulnerable.

I did not feel sadness and empathy that I want to help this person, as he is not “helpable” but I did feel the above.

I thought about how similarly I have abused my husband, unhealed trauma/wounds/anger projected onto a loved one, someone innocent and supportive.  This did not make me cry or feel empathy – as in the past – it did not feel like anything.  It was not associated with sadness and guilt – as I know I am dissociated from that.

I know over time I will feel more when it comes to the treatment of my husband, I hope I do.  I know that then, and perhaps only then, I will truly change my behavior to him, as in definitively see a shift, and be much more mindful.

For now, it is not that different from my father, myself being full of trauma, and not seeing the effects it has on those around me clearly.