Dear Anita,

I want to also note, prior to my understanding of the mother voice, I would look at someone like S – and think – wow, that must be nice, how can I be like that.

I notice, and know now – that my neuropathways are my own, as are hers, as are everyones.

Mine are influenced, if not very much dictated by the influence of my mother – the mother voice.  As a result there has been a lot of delusion, suffering, fear, and so forth.

I no longer judge the way my brain words versus others – – but of course I do know that having less emotional intelligence is often a blessing in many ways.  It does not matter, as I am who I am, I can not change it – and instead, I must re-route myself over time, with healing on this path. the path.

Dear Anita,

I did not mean to !!

I have had this conversation about S sooooo many times with so many different people throughout life.  So perhaps I feel “immune” to it / it isn’t too important to dissect her as her life is entirely different than mine/ as is her brain.

Does that makes sense?

As in, I used to spend endless amount of time worrying and thinking about this sort of thing and how the brains of other people unlike me work, and how they process things.  But I have learned now – that it is useless.  AS it doesn’t lead to anything productive, help me heal/learn, or do much of anything.

We have to follow our own path, based on our own past, and our own brain chemistry i.e. what works for me, what heals me.  what exercises are appropriate for me.  no use in trying to get on someone else’s path.

Dear Anita,

I also wanted to say something – my mother her entire entire life focused on how other people live their lives.  Lets say S was her friend, this is how it would go:

Oh look at S, how lucky she is – she doesn’t worry about anything – yet her life worked out so well.

Why can’t we be like that, all we do is worry!

look how much we have, and still we are not content and happy, oh what a tragedy, what a shame.

My sister and I (of course) adopted a lot of this mind set – focus on how others live their life/and as a result put down the way we live our own.  Focus on how their brain works, and as a result put down our own.

BUT

A HUGE missing factor is that it was a LIE. S didn’t have the type of life my mother said.  She was just happy and content with what she had.  And if my mother was to all of a sudden go into S’s life for a day, she wouldnt be happy there either.  The issue was within the mindset.  Moreover, her concept of “why can’t we be like that” well mother, WE ( my sister and I) can’t because of you.  Because of your voice, because of your poisoning, because of the maladaptive things you taught us, and the lies.

So this is my take on people like S, or people at all… I have talked about this sort of thing for years and years with mother and beyond – with my sister – with myself.

I do agree with you that it is a misunderstanding.  But I also know that most people don’t have the trauma that I have (or you have) and so their brains arent wired the same, perhaps the struggle is not the same.

It is the difference between a puppy who has been brought home that was kicked around for the first 3 years and now adopted. Versus one who was not.  The puppies both see the world differently, and manifest stress differently.

Dear Anita,

It doesn’t take much to hurt a child and there is plenty of hurting in almost every home, if not in every single one.

wow – you are right…yes you are and I see it all around me, but because of the mother voice – I focus more on what everyone does right/ (and what we do wrong based on mother voice).

Thank you for this reminder.

I will let it savor.

I want to also ask you something – what I asked my mom:

Why should we be positive/optimistic?

Dear Anita,

Good Morning.  I was hoping to start fresh this morning.  I know yesterday we did discuss a few things, but I feel today – a fresh mind, and clarity.

I wanted to say to you first and foremost – I appreciate the amount of work and effort you have placed into your healing journey.  It is now, that I am on the path, going left and right, up and down – that I can appreciate another/another’s path.  Yes it is unlike mine in many ways I am sure, but I can see how much dedication you have had to remove your own “mother voice” or version of it.

I commend you.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

Thank you for the work we have done over the last few weeks.  I notice that when I stepped away, yesterday and the day prior – how difficult this work is.  It is the real work. Diving in. Deep.

I spoke with my husband yesterday.  I have been concerned about his job, the new one he started this past January since moving back to NYC.  It has a toxic environment, a lack of respect, and long story short — just negative.  I expressed this, and while doing so – got riled up about negativity in general.

It started a conversation – that although not new – I “heard” for the first time.  In the past I have not been listening, never listening to my husband.  Listening to the mother voice, but not to the real voice/the sound voice outside.  Floating through the world – whether in NYC, Africa, anywhere, doing anything – plugged into the mother voice.

He expressed that the most difficult thing for him is my attitude.  That work is a toxic environment, and he will get to a solution, but that the most difficult aspect is: how it feels like I can never be happy.  My constant negative comments about everything – and never seeing the glass half full, always finding something to pick at or complain about.  Its the constant negativity that is far more draining than anything to him.

In addition,

He spoke about how he feels that my behavior is erratic, and it has been for a long time – but for a few months there over the winter he noticed it got better.  but recently is back to that rollercoaster/up and down.  A week will be calm and good and well balanced, for example a full fridge great with chores etc – normal.  The following week can be a mess, empty fridge, all over the place.

He didn’t mean this in the sense of housework or cooking/cleaning – but just the indication that there is an imbalance/inconsistency – and as a result, he never knows what to expect.

He stated he doesn’t know if he is going to come home to angry CC, or overly happy CC. Angry CC or ecstatic CC – living with that unpredictability is exhausting.

—-

Now Anita,

This is not the first time that we have had this conversation – in fact it might be the 5th at least.  But this time I listened.  And you know what – it is hard to listen to, not because the truth hurts – but it feels like this: words but difficult to feel their weight.  Similar to when I used to tell you it was difficult to feel true emotion: sad/joy whatever good or bad – it felt similar.

For the first time intellectually processing, to a point, the words coming out of his mouth – but still feeling a disconnect/disassociation to the true weight of them.  I have a feeling you know what I mean when you read this.

Anyway – I want to work on this.  And you know what first comes to mind when I say that out loud to you on paper:

“I want to work on this not because he told me this, but because I should.”

I am so quick to react—that I need to do something for me and not for someone else.  So quick to combat.

I guess I’ve been in war for a long time.

Anyway, his words are not an opinion alone – they are true Anita.  They are not new news – and they are true.  I have been working so hard on this healing journey, that I sometimes don’t realize how I actually come off to the real world – my husband/not strangers, patients, colleagues, friends.  No, the real stuff – what I come home and talk about, how negativity and anger spews from me.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for retelling my post, it too, helped me reprocess it – and read it as an outsider.  You asked what part of your experience is relevant to me – well all of the sentiment, except the part of making friends – as I do make friends – with almost everyone. But what does that matter! with my team mate/the person you have highlighted to me is my team member and the MOST important – I am the true me, the true emotions – and that is exactly what comes out: deep bitterness.

If not for my mother, for me – oh the injustice of it all! it feels – and feels impossible to look at the good, subconsciously my mind doesnt  go there – it is not trained that way. no it is not – I am used to being this way, angry negative, deeply bitter- I am sure.

Just like your experience, why not my mother – why not me/perhaps