Dear Anita,

I spent yesterday re-reading a lot of posts between you and I from the beginning. Oh how consistent you have been in your advice/comments. Thank you for that – as it is finally beginning to sink in slowly.

You are right we have been having a very intense conversation this week. I will take the rest of today to reflect on your most recent post. I am deeply deeply moved by it. Reading it, I felt A very strong connection to it. It is worthy of reflection. Here are the concepts that stuck out tome The most.  I will allow myself to have them sink in before jumping to new thoughts/ideas. (something that I am working on – it goes along with self reliance and allowing one’s self to sit with their thoughts/suffering/etc.)

1) When you allow a person to use you as an audience for her suffering, you not only sacrifice your own well-being, you also prevent her, be it your mother or your sister, from a possible, maybe-opportunity to contain her suffering and in so doing, to experience the beginning of her well-being.

—I see this is a two way process. When I EXIT the audience – It not only limits my sacrifices of well-being and equilibrium, it also potentially allows my sister (mom is a lost cause and not focus for change) to develop any potential sense of self reliance.
I shall reflect.

2) When you are the audience to a histrionic person you are watching a performance of a person who is focused on creating strong emotions in you.

—YES! I found myself thinking last week, why does sister continue to call and text both me and my husband with this agenda of: “well don’t you see, don’t you get it!!!” Vs. This is what its going on I need help.
I see this is the work of someone who is creating a performance to invoke emotion. That is the way this person can side-step the true suffering in the moment, and get on the podium with the mic.
I shall reflect.

3) It is also, unfortunately, not likely that your sister will heal. It is best that you don’t expect her to heal. Hope for her healing, I understand that, but expecting it will bring you despair.

—this is very strong Anita. And very true. You are able to honestly and truly point that out – I commend you. It is not easy to “say” it. Reading this was eye opening and I will bring myself back to it Everytime I feel the despair based on those expectations.

4) Do what you can do to help her by not being her audience. I can’t stress that enough. By refusing myself to be her audience, I will probably lose her myself, in the context of this website. Yes, I said it, you may lose her in a strange way when you are no longer her audience. She will be looking for an audience elsewhere. There is a price to pay for your learning and understanding, for your hard earned well being.

—In fact I used to notice/observe such things when I was younger.
I recall an older cousin get dumped because her then boyfriend went on and stopped indulging in the bad behaviors/patterns that they had both been involved in. My cousin felt: “oh what! so he’s better than me now? He’s Too good for me so he left?!” and felt betrayed. So I saw it that way too since I was young. In fact I was quick to see things that way, given that This is also how my mom sees such situations (instant betrayal and personal attack).
Now I don’t. If I saw this cousin concept NOW, today – I would think: “yes he is, because he moved up and out of that despair, he worked hard to find well being, hard personal work – and so it has a price to pay. No, He can no longer accommodate yours/his old destructive behaviors. So it’s not that he’s better than you or a personal insult/attack, it is that he is now better than those old toxic patterns. As a result, he had to move on- thats the price to pay for his well being.”
I would understand she’s sad sure, but my entire mindset about it would be different. Of course I also recall that this cousin then so quickly searched for an audience elsewhere, It was like oxygen for her.

What a difference in the way I would see this now!. How eye opening. (How funny this Random example from when I was 14 pops up in My brain)

I will reflect on all of the above today.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I very much enjoy our conversations too.

I feel that I will be able to “be loyal to their illness, but not to cruelty” if I employ boundaries and limit contact. This goes for my mother.
Limiting contact with my sister means more certain types of conversations.

my reflection today is two-fold.

1)
Limited contact is a difficult and vague term. As with family there’s no set rule book of how often you talk and meet. But as per all of the learning I have done, I see I can be the director of how much I will allow and what I allow. This doesn’t have to be at the whim of my mother – it is my decision. Yes she will kick and scream and balk when she notices “change” in my attitude and allowance.

I can see that the ability to do the above would be extremely difficult when contact is excessive (say staying a few days together or more, conversation that is more than the surface talk, etc)

During my reading this week I came across an article that stated:

“Setting boundaries is the outgrowth of honoring oneself,” she said. “This process takes time and includes the ability to identify and believe you’re entitled to your feelings and needs, and learning to assert them.”

As simply as this is put, it is accurate. I did not feel entitled to my feelings, boundaries, and personal needs prior. I never have. Not with family or friends. It always felt like if I had a boundary it could easily be malleable based on the external. For example, “I guess I don’t have to study this week since my roommate said she wished we spent more time together (my job to always be the great available friend). She’s right I need to spend more time with her because her friendship is a priority. Or— I don’t feel like visiting home for my parents anniversary since I have been working so much, I need down time…oh, but it will mean so much to my parents, I guess I will go, I can always sleep later.” These are just small examples but when they add up, it is a lifetime of putting personal well being at the bottom of the barrel. I was brainwashed into believing that if my mother said something it was true for her and for me. “You should keep in touch with high school friends even though you moved away.” Yes my mother is right, oh no if I don’t I won’t have them as friends” and imagine that what a tragedy! Not allowing the idea of, 1) I am not accountable to uphold all friendships. It is not my job 2) people change and grow- that is not wrong -it is a part of life. 3) holding tightly to only the past limits growth, people and things that don’t allow you to move forward may not be the best to hold onto. In fact, grasping tightly to those things will create internal conflict in a person who is attempting to grow, but feels she must stay back at the same time (because she is “supposed” to).

But my mother made her views, her idea of me and the job I had in the world, all encompassing for me. This is because She is omnipresent – center of stage – conductor of the train. She never ends.
I recall many times in the past year during which it felt uncomfortable to assert myself or have boundaries.
I recall something as simple as- feeling bad for putting down the phone, so instead I started making endless conversation with my mother to prolong the conversation. Feeling strange for ending the conversation on a “bad note” so bringing up something fun/positive to appease her.
This is analogous to tempering a child. Saying “don’t do that it’s bad for you” child cries, then saying “oh okay honey don’t worry it’s okay here’s some candy.”

Understanding this is very important for me. I see change will require myself sitting with distress and discomfort, and not just jumping to appeasement. Similar to when it’s easier to instantly call Juliana and ask her to join me instead of do what I want (because you pointed out that this impulsive behavior is performed to avoid distress – compulsions follow distressing/obsessive thoughts as a way of providing temporary relief)

It is innate/easier for me to go down the longer, windy useless path of appeasement. for example: “well mom we can’t come home” — she goes on about why not, and all the other cousins are you never do blah blah. And so this creates intense discomfort in me. Now what I want to do next is say: Okay but we can’t. Period. I have to go.

That’s it. But of course I didn’t.

Instead: “oh okay I understand mom, hmm well then in that case let me think of some other dates we can”, or some alternative (to appease you).

Yes my mother is powerful (we give her power), manipulative, vindictive, and down right evil. BUT I do have the power to sit with discomfort and distress she may invoke in me AND still stay firm to my boundaries. This will be an active and deliberate practice. It is a necessary one and it only begins with practice. Is it a perfect practice where the more you try the better you get? Not exactly, as I am dealing with an unpredictable unreasonable selfish human. Do I think this is the end all be all solution? No. Perhaps if I was dealing with a sane empathetic person. But I am not.
And as we say, most efforts done in light of someone like my mother- are done in vain.
But if I do choose to continue some level of contact – the above will be 100% necessary. For myself and my husband and future.

However, if despite endless firm boundaries and efforts to uphold our own well being, it fails. The only Option is no contact. I do understand this. I see it clearly.
I am not ready to go there yet. But clearly I do see it.

Now my sister. My contact with her here forward will be different. Not limited just different. And I can see she will be strangely different and distant if I decide to not sit as her audience. I am well aware of this now, and this too, will require practice. It will require me to have firm boundaries once again no matter how uncomfortable or foreign they may feel. It will require me (like the cousin and boyfriend example) to say: Sorry I can not stand for this conversation/behavior/attitude/ etc. I will likely get push back such as: “oh what you can’t listen all of a sudden, what about when you were like that?! Or “oh so now you’re not able to talk openly. well I am so helpless I don’t know what else to do.”
Regardless I must stand strong. I like the above quote, will remind myself that I am entitled to my boundaries. And as you said hard earned learning and well being comes with a price.

Her suffering is not the performance. Her performance to me is a side step, a distraction from her inner suffering. To be responsive to her performance is to continue to sit in the audience. It is to continue to buy tickets to the histrionic distress cycle show. No one wins.

2)

This is the next part of my thought process.
I asked myself – every time I Gave in to a want of my mother be it large such as throwing a party or small such as listening to negativity on the phone/text. Was there ever an improvement? Nope. There never will be.
Did she find more fulfillment in her daily life? No. She sabotages it every day. No long term friends, hobbies, nothing.
Did she find a more loving extended family? Nope, she sabotaged it when my husbands family invited her with open arms.
Did she find more satisfaction? Nope once one accomplishment/milestone was achieved, her focus went to the next item that needed improvement (in her eyes).

No improvement, but a deterioration. Not because of me- although she can blame me. But it’s a delusion. Because it is the nature of her disease. Deteriorating.

My sister too may go down this path. Especially given the patterns we see, you’re right it’s not likely she will get better. But similarly giving in to her, has never led to any improvement.
Did she make better friends? Nope she overall continues to struggle with friendships just as she did since childhood. Although does have 1-2 good friends now.
Did she find success in her career? Well graduating with a good degree she did, but painstakingly going up and down needing time off, having issues with roommates, having issues with college friendships, struggles all around, and just like now – feeling she can’t go forward one day and then becoming defensive and flipping sides the next. (This is not to say I judge her I am taking an outside objective look in)
Did she manage to find independence?
Sure she moved 2000 miles away in body. But moving the physical body is not automatic growth or independence. I have been her crutch every moment along the way, from finding an apartment to physically helping her move, to being the daily support system to her issues related to friends, boys, work etc. (yes I am glad to do this and many siblings do) but in the context of our conversation this has not led to any improvement on her behalf.
Like you said accommodating her and sitting in the audience takes away any chance she may have at potentially finding self reliance and well being (and containing suffering).

Moreover, the intense pressure I have had since I was a teenager. “Make sure your sister goes with you, your sister is all alone make sure she has fun”
throwing every birthday party for her since I had a lot of friends that would be celebratory, she had just a few friends. So I made sure she had great fun full birthdays so she never felt sad and alone.
Making sure she felt comfortable in new environments as I know she has trouble adapting (especially difficult new experiences and people)
All of this yes – it is nice of an older sister. But there are limits. It’s perhaps time that I let her use her own wings to fly, or at least work on nursing one of her broken wings back so that she may one day be able to fly.

Dear Anita,

I am back from my vacation.  The second half of my trip was busy, a lot of job related interviews and visits with old friends.  Every step of the way I kept our conversations with me, and our words brewed inside me creating stronger and stronger roots.  Yes, even though I am 32, I can still begin to form new neuropathways, or re-calibrate some of the old ones.  This will take time, deliberation, and practice.  I see the beginning of some of that now – which makes me hopeful and proud -but also very humbled to the process and depth of it all.

Interestingly, I spent a good amount of time this weekend with my best friend’s baby, a sweet and very smart 1.5 year old boy.  While spending time with him, your above conversation rang very loud.

You wrote: “you don’t see your future children because they are not here yet. He or she will be born with a brain ready to form those many, many neuropathways. As you continue to invest in those in your life who already have powerful neuropathways that fail them, you will be less able to see to it that your child has effective pathways formed. So that he or she will not struggle like you have, like your sister had. Those struggles can be prevented.”

You’re right, but I am beginning to.  I see that every moment in a new child’s life is an opportunity for new neuropathways.  Although that may seem very overwhelming for many new moms (wow I need o be aware of every moment!) – I find it fascinating and exciting.  Right before my eyes, this baby learned a new word and action as I enforced it a few times.  Just like that! I have always loved this ability and resilience in children.  Thus, Efforts directed towards those who are already hardened, unable to change, and continue to be toxic (parents) will take away energy from promoting positivity in a young undeveloped mind.

A majority of the reason that my friend’s baby is so happy and smart (aside from the randomness of personality etc) is that he spends the majority of his time with her parents.  They (I am very close to them) are sweet, patient, nurturing and kind.

The old me would have looked at this and felt discouraged.  I would have thought to myself: look how nice it is for my friend to have such a supportive family, her son benefits so much.  It will be very hard for me one day as I am deeply exhausted already by what my parents have done to me, and they will only cause more stress and poor influences on me and my future children.

I did not think of it this way at all.  Instead I thought of it like this: Wow, how sweet for this baby to have all this support, I am so glad for him and my friend.  I see the beauty in this child’s innocent and wild eyed wonder – this does not scare me, it motivates me! It inspires me that one day when it is my turn to be my friend (new parent) I will do all it takes to promote good and positive behavior in a child such as  this.  I know this to be true in my heart, and I know I will do this against all odds.  (as per previous posts, self development and focusing on well being comes with a price).  I feel very strong about this – and sure I do not plan to have children within the next year, but regardless the fact that I see the scenario like this now (as opposed to previous paragraph) shows me my change in priority and focus and strength.  I will not let anything get in the way of that.

Next,

You wrote: “How much will it take out of you, those “endless .. efforts”- in the context of still having a marriage that needs to be nurtured, maybe having children who will need so much from you, a career that is so demanding… after all, you are not superhuman.”

No, I am not superhuman.  Nor, do I continue to want to think I am and try to uphold that expectation or title.  Over this past week I learned something: That merely the baseline of life elements (a marriage, having children, a career) needs to be nurtured.  These are not only things that need to be nurtured when there is a problem, nope – they need to be nurtured on a regular basis. Why? because this is for the well being of them, just as well being of one’s self requires regular nurturing.

I think of this akin to something I used to do: Oh I don’t need to catch up on sleep this weekend even though I  feel terrible, I’ll just drink extra coffee to be there for these other people – and I’ll sleep in the future.

Nope, life and well being doesn’t work like that.  It is an ongoing process, to soothe and nurture yourself, or other life elements.  In the above scenario, you may think it is working short term (the concept of only nurture when things get to an extreme) but sooner or later this scenario is set up for extreme burnout.  Just as a marriage would be.  I see in my own marriage I did not understand what it meant to nurture a relationship, respect a man, or put the views of myself and him above my mom.  We are facing the consequences of that now.  Nurturing is the only way.

Over the last few months, I have made the marriage a priority – in daily nurturing, living each day making a deliberate effort to be good, calm, focused and not projecting negativity from others.  I already see a tremendous change! So, yes, Anita – life already needs so much from us.  Just the baseline of upholding good habits and trends is a daily effort.   – “endless efforts” for someone or something that will never amount to any good will all be done in vain, just to take away from the pot of energy towards things that do require good efforts.

You wrote: “Notice this, you are still motivated to improve their experience of life, this time by setting your boundaries. I believe you are determined to do so not only for your own well being, but you are hoping it will help them. A motivation so strong doesn’t die.”

I see this is deep ingrained in me.  The thought of, “If I do this, it can help them like that.”

I will say however, that I am slowly starting to shift – I am starting to feel that boundaries are not efforts for the big picture or other party, they are efforts for self preservation.  To preserve my energy pot as above.  In addition, boundaries are shields, they allow me to deflect negativity and self doubt.  They keep me from absorbing all the woes around me, and help me focus inward into the priorities and well being of my life.  Boundaries are a new language for me, but things that have already brought me progress.

When it comes to parents- I no longer believe what they say.  When my mother told me 2 weeks ago, that I was terrible for not being there for her and my father, and that it’s terrible she had to uber it to the hospital.  No, I did not like to be talked to in this way – of course.  But they were just her words – they just bounced off, I did not believe them for even a second.  One year ago – this would not have been the case.  I have had tremendous growth in this sense, a lot of which is due to your tremendous help and support.

Regarding boundaries, I notice that I have been practicing not absorbing my friend’s issues/nuances/perturbances as my own.  I have been successful at having this radar and saying to myself: “calichica, is this bothering YOU – or is it bothering HER and such you’re automatically letting it get to you.  remember it is not your duty to ALSO be bothered and brought down by the concept.”  I used this tactic a few times -and it was brilliant.  I found that it not only freed me of unnecessary burden, the conversation and interaction was overall lighter and freer with my friend.  This taught me that so often, I “feel the feelings for other people” when perhaps they don’t even feel them for themself! No need to – what good comes of that! the mother voice and imprinting has given me a sense of: automatic need to be burdened.  I can begin to undo that pattern.

The next part of my post will be related to boundaries, parents, and shielding myself from external negative energies.

My husband and I are likely going to move across the country in the next 6-8 months.  This is not official, and I have not expressed in to anyone as a fact.  We have been interviewing all over the country, and this weekend I feel that we both sensed a big move will be the right decision.  This includes many reasons such as change of lifestyle, climate, career opportunities, and a new adventure.

It does make my husband anxious that such a move, would then put us thousands of miles away from his own parents.  (my in laws currently live an hour north of us, my parents an hour south).  Sure, it is nice we won’t be so close in geography to my parents.  Yet, given that his parents are older and very supportive – it is a valid thought for him.  I was at first not very supportive of this thought process.  I felt instantly: “well we can’t make decisions based on others” given that I am so fed up with my own parents and not allowing them to be in the decision thought process – I projected this onto him.  He patiently reminded me that they aren’t apart of the process, yet, it is normal for him to think and pause. To have thoughts such as: if say in the future his parents are sick, will it be stressful for us to be thousands of miles away.  Would they potentially move, closer to us if we have kids, would we want them closer if they were ill, etc?

After a week or so passed, I realized, that given the fact that I do not have normal nurturing parents, it was hard for me to understand this thought process of his.  But I allowed myself to see it his way (for once! usually I am so brainwashed into only seeing things one way, the mother voice)  It is all about growing and becoming open minded.

Regarding a move: Here is an internal dialogue I have with the mother voice.  Whether this will or will not be a true conversation in the near future, is not my focus.  My focus is that my internal dialogue has changed.  My response has changed.  My belief about myself and as a result, others, has changed.  Thus, the most important conversation we can have in life, is the one with ourselves.  Here it is below:

1) “okay parents, we have decided we are going to make this move across the country”

-is it because you found nothing close by? did you look hard enough? what about that great offer an hour away? did you just let it go?

(nope, I didn’t just foolishly make this decision without also looking close by.  In fact, I searched and worked so hard on this decision more than you can imagine.  You may think I didn’t, but that is your insecurity and fear I am leaving you talking.  I am making this decision appropriately, and you can’t make me think otherwise)

2) “well it might seem like this is a good idea at first, but your whole life is here, friends and family – after a while you will get lonely there – the glamour will fade.”

– (not believing the words for a minute.  I know that my husband and I have a strong bond, and this will be a great new adventure for us.  Those that are close minded to growth can not appreciate this. Well, it is not my duty to stoop down to their level to explain – I won’t let them squash my spirit. I am excited and I know good things will lie ahead.  If there are moments of loneliness in a new place, as there always is, it is a normal part of a journey.  It is not because they are right.  They speak untruths.)

3) i say: “you know parents this is a great career move for both of us”

-well, there is more to life than just career–family and all is important too – making this decision based on that is looking at only one side..

(I see there is no truth to this.  Who are you to tell me family is important.  You ruined ours, and have no basis for family values, although you may think you can preach to it. I choose to create a happy and healthy future family, and these are some of the first steps.  Just because you are my elder and biologic family, does not mean that you have taught me and showed me the definition of family by any means.  This is something I have learned from myself and others, and will continue to with positive relationships.)

4) “what will you do when we are older, what you want to run away from your parents when they will need you? after all we have done for you? most children stay close to their parents as they get older, because they may need more help and support.  instead you are going to settle on the other side of the country!”

(this decision I have made is best for me, and my future family.  if i make this decision, I am confident in this.  This decision is not based on people who are selfish, self seeking, and unable to be happy for others.  This decision is not based on so called “parents” who see the benefit to themselves, prior to their children.  If I had good parents, I would be the first to put thought into their future into my personal decision making, just as my husband is.  But I don’t, and as a result, you do not have a reserved spot in my brain that allows me to think of you in this way.  Nor, do you deserve it.  I won’t allow it.  This does not make me a bad daughter.  This makes me someone who finally sees the light after 30 years in the dark.)

5) “well maybe your husband’s parents brainwashed you to move away from us.  they are old and likely can move all the way out there with you.  In fact, they probably willl! that’s their master plan, to move you away from your own family-us!”

(I am a smart, educated, and thoughtful woman.  I have made this (along with my husband) decision based on things that are important to us.  I am not a puppet that is all of a sudden brainwashed by others (such as in laws ) to act on a whim and change my life plan.  If you actually knew me and saw how strong I am, you would know that I would never make a decision like this “just because someone told me to.”

Second, in all reality my in laws have had no part in this decision making and are not brainwashing us -but that is besides the point.  If you want to have these delusions, go ahead.  I will no longer spend my energy trying to explain and PROVE to you that they are untrue.  Paranoia and delusional thinking aren’t something I can treat in you.  I will no longer try.)

6) “well that’s just like you, to use everyone around you to climb up to the top – and when everything is all figured out for you – you want to vanish and not be there for all those people.”

(I do not use people.  I have great relationships with people that are mutually collaborative, positive, and beneficial for both parties.  If I do not have this relationship with you, it is of no fault of mine.  You are incapable of such relationships because you are hollow, selfish, and self serving.  You project this view onto me, but it is the horrific image of yourself you see in the mirror.  I am nothing like you.  You do not understand me, my relationships, and growth – because it is foreign to you.  You are incapable of it.  That is not my fault.  That has nothing to do with me.

You may be threatened by my growth and ability to rise above.  That is not my fault.  I have wings and so I will use them to fly.  I will not inhibit my growth because of the insecurity and discomforts you have in your own self.  I was not put on this earth to stoop down to your level just to bring you comfort.)

Moreover in life, I will no longer put myself down just to soothe the discomfort in others. It is not my duty. I will shine, rise above, and protect my spirit.

Dear Anita,

I am truly glad that you enjoyed my post so much.  After your  reading your reply, I went back to read my post – and I too was impressed with the depth and candor in it.  It is from the heart, and, indicative of learning made possible by people like yourself.  In fact our conversations over the last 2 weeks have been quite pivotal for me.  While I was away I (finally) allowed them to sink in, and created space for this.  The results can be monumental (if you let them.)

I see that a post such as above is analogous to a profound thesis statement.  But just like any student who submits his thesis, daily studying is important to keep up education and well rounded-ness.  Just as a marathoner does not fulfill his entire years worth of running just because he ran 26 miles, he, like anyone else does require daily exercise for the mind and body.

Understanding  this has been very important to me when it comes to personal practices for well being and growth.  My analogy above references sleep (skip sleep for now and just catch up all at once later – or so I thought!).  Understanding the importance of self nurture, and protection of this time, space, and my priorities will be an ongoing effort.  I embrace this.

I also know that some of my posts to you will be large and all encompassing such as above, and some will be small and detail oriented.  This is apart of the journey, large steps, and small ones.  Some forward and some back.  What I do see, is the benefit of expressing my thoughts, and not letting them “get a hold of me” and ruminate.  Expressing them to someone who understands, such as yourself, has been quite important to me to also help me understand them myself – and let them sink in.

Sometimes it is like this quote: “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” Whatever it may be, our posts have been tremendously supportive for me.

Today when I came back from my trip, back to work, back to real life – I tried my best to keep on my “observation hat” instead of my “jumping in to everything” hat.  And it worked.

I spoke to my sister for the first time extensively over a week.  In addition, I spoke to my mother.  Both were very different conversations, neither were serious, but I noticed patterns in each that I wanted to point out and remember.

1) I see that both have a lot of opinions/strong stances in situations when there really isn’t a need for one.  I, too, can be this way – especially when I am uncomfortable or feeling uneasy, it is easy for me to revert to that.  For example, if a friend leaves something on a “awkward note” I have always felt the need to blurt something out, or add something as food for thought.  I now know that this is because I am feeling discomfort within, and trying to assuage myself externally.  Perhaps the situation isn’t awkward at all, or even if it is, I had trouble sitting with any uneasiness and felt: “must fix and control it.”

I noticed this in my sister today, and I felt instantly turned off.  It was like radar that stated: okay no need to contribute (accommodate) this conversation.  It kind of felt like when someone around you is gossiping for the sake of just talking, and you allow yourself to gracefully decline involvement in it.  It is a good feeling, and preserves energy, and diminishes unnecessary negativity.  This is of course not to say I, too, may also engage in this behavior – but the fact that I was able to sense it, and then not contribute to it, showed me a difference in my radar, tolerance, and focus.

I noticed it in my mother of course too.

2) I see that both are just waiting for the moment to get on the podium.  It is as though if someone gives them attention they say, finally! I can have the microphone and express myself.  This is much more apparent with my mother for all obvious reasons.  However, I notice it with my sister as well.

I find that they are both quite lonely, and feel very empty – and so when they do have moments and people with whom they can express themselves – they JUMP on it.  This used to make me feel quite sad, and thus, I felt like I needed to be this person to them ALWAYS – given that they “need” it so much.  Now I see this more of a personality trait, and perhaps disorder.  Like our previous posts about histrionic personality disorder – and the difference betweeen suffering and performing.

3) I notice they tend to be uncomfortable with “normal and pleasant” conversations.  I, too, have felt like this many times in my life.  You are so used to drama, issues, and extremes of emotions, that normal “hello, how are you – oh great” seems fake and worthless.  Often times, I used to feel the need to dig deeper into a person to get the “real story” because the superficial pleasantries felt unnatural.  I, see that

a) sometimes pleasantries are just that, small talk – and that’s okay.  We do not have to have a world renowned conversation with everyone, it is okay to be cordial and maintain some distance at times.

b) even with those we are close with, at times, it is okay to have conversations that are lighter and graze the surface.  Everything does not  have to be a: “hey how’s it going how’s your problem” conversation.  My sister and I are not raised in this way – and so perhaps we have never been comfortable with it.  On my trip, I was able to gain comfort with this, and as per my previous post, I reminded myself that I don’t have “to feel for others” especially when there is nothing to feel.  I don’t have to focus on problems, that sometimes are hardly there!

I notice both my mother and sister today felt they had to add random comments to a conversation just to add something.  With my mother these comments are usually: judgmental, gloating, and delusional.  My sister isn’t exactly this way – however, I feel she always “adds extra” because she is unable to sit still with all that is going on inside of her – her inner frenzy/chaos is expressed outwardly.  As per are previous posts, I am learning to take of this what I want to, and choosing to not accommodate anything that I don’t.

I also noticed that for the very first time in, perhaps forever – I did not feel bad for either of them after communicating with them.  Sure this was only the first time.   Throughout my life, even if I was having the most benign, fun, simple conversation with either of them – I more often  than not was still left with some sort of lingering sadness.  This was not the case.  And in the future if that does come back, which it will, I hope to be able to contain it.