Dear Anita,

I am thinking about the agitated bird bird the bird that is sitting on the ledge looking left and right, left and right, unable to be still, frenzied and its appearance and it’s state. I took a nap after work today, it’s uncommon, and after I woke up in a way – I looked for that dread. I noticed that it is common to feel like this bird, at any given moment instead of feeling some solace, feeling that thread, uneasiness, frenzy. Picking something out in my brain to fixate on or worry on.

I noticed another feeling today too, not a new one, but when I was better able to point out today. A feeling of being stuck. Not stuck in my life or an unhappy life per se. What a visual of someone that still feels hell down to apply and wants freedom, wants to run and be free. Tangibly the first way I can think about this is my work. We talked one or two weeks ago about the medical system now. It was great of you to discuss this with your husband also, and what he stated is correct. The medical system now can be very disgruntled and for physicians, it’s not the work that we do put more of the system, and the management. Feeling controlled and like a small wheel in the cog. not really getting much respect. Respect is not the right word it is quite difficult to explain, but I’m sure there is this feeling of being owned by the system And not really having much control over it.  In my case, also not being able to practice creatively in the way I want to be able to flourish my own talent. This is where the wellness center enters. I noticed that I have this drag, but I must do something to break free, to be able to practice on my own, to not be bogged down by people like that lady at work, who are  Draining.

I noticed that I get bogged down by these people more than others. It’s not because I just letthem, it’s that I have become quite hyper sensitive to negative people in my life for obvious reasons.  I noticed that it sometimes feels like They are getting away with it, the mother voice would have said this, look at them acting how they are how terrible and always getting away with it. I noticed how it feels like they are getting away with it, this lady is getting away with it, and here I am stuck. Stuck not being the amazing creative person I can be. Building my self up for me – making use of my talent. Stuck with these types. I notice I feel this way.

I also noticed that the reality of my employment is not bad. My hours are very reasonable for my field, and it is a great full-time job while I dissect out how I want to start my own business. I noticed that objectively reality is different then the feelings that I notice.

Sometimes Anita,

It feels like I have done so much work that I should get some credit for it. Not credit as in recognition, fame, or money. But perhaps it’s more like the art of being able to express myself. So in fact credit is not the right word, I want to be able to flourish, share my wisdom and experience, sing at the top of my lungs and not be told to just follow the lines but instead belt out with what comes from the heart.

I am not a particularly religious person, but perhaps spiritual at times. There have been so many signs from the universe in the past week that have guided me this way. I know it is my time. I just have to take the first steps.

I know no real work comes from frustration, that it Hass to come from a place of positive energy and creativity. But I also know that in a few months if I continue to feel this way it will not sit right with me at all, I may “explode.”

Not to be overly artistic but maybe this is what great things are made of, perhaps this is the start of something beautiful. Perhaps it is not just anxiety or frenzy, but my inner creative spirit trying to sing.

Dear Anita,

Good morning. Today I am writing to you first thing in the morning. The reason being is that I read your last post. You had read my mind but I had not even read the post. I was about to go to sleep and I felt some heaviness, a little bit of that dread that we talked about. My husband came in to bed and I did not feel like sleeping or resting because my mind was buzzing. But I was mindful, and I rested my head on his chest, I let all the thoughts wash over me. I did not judge myself for not being truly relaxed in this moment, as I know that is too much to expect. But, the true notion of this sort of bond is very important. Perhaps sometimes even if we don’t feel fully relaxed in the brain if we bring ourselves to rest and bond and this way it is still quite therapeutic. It was. I skipped my morning yoga session today that I tried to do on Wednesdays. Today I feel the need to ease into my morning a little bit slower, perhaps take a shower that is more than five minutes, perhaps make myself a cup of tea. Usually my mornings involve running from one thing to another and then to the subway to work. Anita, I know I am doing the hard work and I appreciate it. Because of it I am noticing the differences in my mind and my levels of tiredness, and I am adjusting my life. This is exactly what I want to be doing and I am completely content with our work.

As far as those questions you asked me, I will leave those to another time. I don’t want to get carried away with speaking about work/the wellness center idea. I know that everything is into related, but at this time our current conversations and the exercise are supremely important to me. I can’t begin to tell you how much it is unleashing, not in the way of terrible intense emotional release, but just a feeling that there is a part of my brain opening up that has been repressed for a while. It feels very good and important and necessary and it is happening in the perfect way. I am having vivid visualizations of parts of my past that make me feel very human. Are used to wonder why I couldn’t remember many things, or access emotions related to old memories. It is because they were oppressed. Anita, I am now reminded that I am human/ and able to access those just like everyone else so to speak. It is incredible what “exercises” can do. It is good. Shall we continue when you are awake and ready. Or speak in any way. I hope so. I had a nice cup of ginger tea this morning, perhaps you will start your day with some tea as well.

I feel a tenderness towards you this morning as I read your last post. You were worried about me, this brought a tear to my eye. You were worried about me because I am doing so much work, and you are right. And do you know what? perhaps only you can appreciate it. I feel thankful that you can because that’s there are certain days where we all need this reminder – that we are working hard. So we also need rest. And at the end of the evening without you telling me/or reading it – I took that rest. Progress and sinking in.

Dear Anita,

You, too, never cease to amaze me – not because I have been with you since the start of your journey (as you have been with mine) but because your care, concern, dedication – and now I see — tenderness.  I see that now, because I recognize that as a real emotion, so seeing it in you, also I see it in me.

I am ready to begin the exercise..

Dear Anita,

I remember thinking, wow, that must be hard for my mom – she has to work all day and do all the work! my dad doesn’t help her with housework, and she has no friends, that is sad.

I thought about how these American people they have it easy, they don’t care that much. The moms go and drop their kids off and have fun, and don’t worry about their kids like my mom.  or they don’t clean the house.  it made me think about how her job is hard.

Yes! why should they go do that and not my mom! thats not fair!

After all my mother went through doesn’t she deserve to relax and have fun! when I see her having fun and smiling it makes me happy – she makes it known – look we had a good time I am happy today – look what a good day!!