Dear Anita,

 I am sorry for you, your  sister, for me, my sister and for so many others 

I felt tenderness when I read this.  No one Anita, no one has ever said this to me – in a way that was meaningful.  Sure you hear the “oh thats so sad” “oh wow thats crazy.”

but a true sorry – you are right.  I am sorry, I never allow myself to be “felt sorry for.” But yes, it is a sad sorry situation, it IS.

So yes, what more to do than calm the frenzy, and have patience for our own selves.

listen to our hearts.

Dear Anita,

I hope you had a pleasant weekend.  I hope you were able to enjoy some fresh air, and also observe your thoughts without getting too bogged down.  I hope this same for myself – and it did happen.

Yes, you are right, I AM becoming more than that role of Super Cali Chica.  That role has a delusional way of telling me that it is in fact super, and great, and highest pinnacle of what to strive for.  But Anita, that role is — BS.

The work we have done over the last month has been incredible.  Do you recall (don’t know exactly what date but I can go back and look) the day I stated: I feel I am at a plateau.

I was.

I knew there was the next step, and deeper understanding – but I could not access it.

You helped me get there.  The exercise (of my speaking to you as young Cali Chica) has been incredible.  Beyond what I thought.  I answer you, and you answer back.  But whats more is that throughout the day I notice I carry it with me.  If i saw a child, after having a conversation with you about how my mother didn’t come after me when I went into hiding – I would ponder what that child is thinking.  If he simply needs someone to ask him what’s wrong?

This pondering, thinking, in a different light has given me more tenderness for myself.  Last week you stated: I am sorry for what has happened to you (and to yourself) by mothers such as ours.

And it is true, it is sorry, I am sorry – and it is sad.  I am able to better accept this.  And I notice 1% of the hardness dissolving.  Slowly I notice it- and this right here – well it is the real work.

Dear Anita,

Yes, that role is indeed hard.  Not soft.

To be “super” is not soft.

I would love to resume the exercise now (at your convenience).

Dear Anita,

I see someone with a nice smile, a big smile.  I see someone also with small scared eyes.  I have big eyes, hers are smaller, more hidden, they look scared.  I feel happy that my mom is in front of me, sometimes I get scared without her.  I feel she is my friend.

Her voice sounds trembly.  Like it may break at any time, it is “thin” and shrill and like a long string, wavering and it can break, a skinny long string.

Dear Anita,

yes, her voice sounds like it will break.  so I want to ask her why.  it is because all of those people are so mean to us, you know.

her sister called today and said something so bad, and made us not invited to the party this weekend. my mom is so sad.  her voice is going to break.  when my dad comes home maybe he will help her. but sometimes he gets mad – because this stuff always happens.

Dear Anita,

NO WAY! of course not, how can I be mean to my poor mother? everyone is mean to her, and she is so nice! she doesn’t deserve that.  those people who are mean – they are bad.

Dear Anita,

I think so.   I always listen to her.  She always wants to talk to me, so I listen.  She needs me, so she can talk to me – because all of those people are bad.

I know that sometimes when we are with other people she is happy.  sometimes those people make her sad later.

I try to do what will make her happy