Dear Anita,

the more we talk about this topic, the more that comes up – so I apologize in advance for my continuous stream of consciousness – today I am able to “talk” write here, for the next few hours, which I am happy about.

Softness: It requires observation.  Not the mind chatter observation I usually have (oh look at his shirt, thats nice, did I bring that sort of shirt on vacation? etc etc) NO, real observation.  Observation often that is based on love and affection.

It is the noticing of your husband’s face when he is thinking out something difficult. It is noticing the tendency a loved one has when they are hungry.  It is picking up on patterns, it is appreciating quirks.  It is seeing that this “tic” of your husband often happens when he is stressed, but isn’t aware of his stress.  It is often realizing something about someone before they do for their own self.

You know Anita, my husband is excellent at this.  My friend used to always use the word thoughtful.  What a nice word – and beyond that, always observant, thoughtful, aware of my needs before I am aware of them.

Yes he is a quite special and unique man.  But, I too can practice some of those qualities.  and this comes with focus, and softness.

Softness doesn’t come when we are frenzied.  For example, you mentioned how you had a smile when you read my post, and wrote..”Sure…” – you smiled at my stream of consciousness..my characteristic way of speaking.  You wouldn’t have done this if you were at the same time reading 3 other emails, or on the phone.  You wouldn’t have done this if you were fixated on what to write to me, instead of listening to me.  no you wouldn’t have.  And at this time you may wonder why perhaps, you didn’t feel softness – lets pretend.  Well “you” didn’t set yourself up for it did you?

Setting yourself up for softness…I will ponder this.

Dear Anita,

 Seems like we humans cannot be happy unless we are soft. That softness makes it possible for us to engage in life so much that we forget to (over) think and resist emotions, we let them be, come and go, no longer resisting, no longer tense, no longer afraid of the experience of emotions.

Yes, happiness = softness.  Which = reality.

We must feel reality, for what it is.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Feel it for what it is – the real stuff.

If and when we feel, we can find joy, and happiness.

Dear Anita,

Not judging ourselves for not feeling it any longer, how true. In fact every single time I feel a glimmer of some feeling, I remind myself, it is good I felt something, I don’t have to grasp onto tightly to it. By the nature of feeling it, that in and of it self is progress. By grasping onto it and trying to recall it, I don’t make the growth any stronger. Let it ebb and flow as nature intended. The healing is happening whether I direct or not. The emotions will come as the process continues.

The concept of my mother being a strong being, feigning weakness is very important. It is a new topic of hours this week, and it has very big consequences. It teaches me that her entire act of being weak brought out  weakness in me, in the context of my relationship with my mother, only I suffered. So she may have suffered in the context of her relationships with other people.  But for my journey, the only thing that matters is that in that relationship with myself, it was only I who suffered.

Are used to spend a lot of time thinking about what made my mom this way, did all of the horrible things that happened to her make her into an abusive person. Did it hardened her so much that it made her cold and mean, and made her project her burdens onto us? But the more I progress the more I realize it doesn’t matter. Not everyone chooses to act the way that she did to her own children. If everyone did, we would have a world of serial killers and terrible people.  The point is, my focus has to be the effect it had on me. If she feigned weakness throughout her entire life with me, but did feel weak often throughout her entire life. That means nothing in the context of my relationship with her. I suffered. I was given this role of being super based on a lie. I was told to be the strong one because she was weak. But the truth is she was never truly weak. She made me weak, and never gave me the time to recharge, but made this battered person fight a battle daily. A battered human being being sent to war daily.

I think about what it means to actually sit with somebody. Actually sit with somebody and talk. This never happened. I was always being talked to that. I was never being talked with. If I had the floor, and I was able to talk as much as I wanted to, I was being scrutinized and Judged. I was entertaining her  I wanted to run home with good news to make her happy, this weak little thing, look how much strength can help you, uplift you.  Look how my abilities can make it all better for you. As you said earlier Anita,, look how my dedication to you can bring you the revenge that you always deserve. Watch me go out there and fight your battles for you, don’t you worry. I am super – and I am strong. Or so I thought. I was told. Yes I was told I had the strength to persevere and keep pushing. Fighting battles I was never supposed to.

“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Dear Anita,

I read a lot yesterday, I felt – glimmers – more than usual.  Yes, indeed, the hormonal “feeling” is of benefit, and yes, I’ll take it.

This quote above – it is everything. Absolutely everything.

How can I love if I am not there? I have not been there.  I was with my mother, when in her womb, when outside her womb, when living in her home, when living outside her home, when single, when married. I was with HER. So how, oh how can I love.

But NOW I am working on being here, just here, with me, and with my husband.