From this point on, if you trust yourself (title of this thread) to not reconnect with your mother and father, if you trust yourself to not connect with anyone who harms you or is likely to harm you, if you trust yourself to take good care of yourself, to know what is best to do in the future, under various circumstances, then you will feel that you can endure the emotions you are resisting.

You will be able to feel soft toward yourself, your husband… and even toward your mother, which is what happened to me. I resisted feeling any love for my mother, until recently, I felt safe enough to feel that love. I really didn’t want to, but I had to, because it was always there, innate (your word, innate). I felt it but only after I promised myself to never have her in my life again. These very days I am practicing relaxing into emotions that have puzzled me for so long.

Dear Anita,

I trust all of that, every word.  I do not know how to begin being soft towards my mother – as I know it is not something I can immediately activate, that the softness will develop over time.  I think I need to begin with softness towards myself and husband. Perhaps start there. What do you think?

I do absolutely absolutely know I do not want my parents in my life, and I trust myself and am proud of my ability to only allow good non toxic humans in my personal life. I have been doing a good job at protecting my spirit getting rid of the glitter and fluff, only focusing on the real and true.  I am proud of my circle and my place in this world.

i know that I am ready to be a “real adult” and that is having power – power to choose.

I am ready Anita to choose softness, I notice a shift already – my husband has showed softness to me as you know – we are re developing trust. I will work on this…

Dear Anita,

Happy Monday.  We were on a track of exercises, and focused “work” and guess what threw me off? The phone call my mother made.

I took the rest of the weekend to process it.  By saying “took the weekend” I mean I thought about it.  I was doing many different things with different people, but it would come to mind.  The old Cali Chica may have pushed through to our exercises, and your last question – but I recognized that I was triggered and distracted.

Rightfully so! I mean in the grand scheme of things, an “estranged” if it is the right word, mother reaching out, inappropriately to one of your friends – well that will be triggering.

See Anita, I didn’t give myself this credibility in the past. I allowed things to just “pass through” as you know.  When I was out to dinner with my friend on Thursday, the person  I was going to meet on the subway – I had sent you a post right before meeting her.  I didn’t say to myself oh its fine, don’t worry about it – just have fun.  I observed.

This is a friend I actually made on vacation 2 years ago in Europe, and she lives in NYC now, we had 2 years of catching up to do.  Well guess what my last 2 years have been…I let her go first.  She told me about her ill father, a move to LA and back..some dating ups and downs.  Then it was my turn.  I started off by telling her the craziness that started after the engagement, and thereafter, and ending to last FEb 13, the day of no contact.  I told her the last comment – I should have an abortion with you – and she was apalled, jaw dropped.  Like anyone would be.  I explained to her that this wasn’t the worst of it.  The worst of it was all the abuse that wasn’t blatant, that required one to read between the lines, or do this — process and heal for years.  To see through it.

It isn’t difficult to say if a mother speaks such obscenity/insanity that it is wrong.  Anyone would say so…but its everything else isn’t it.

Anyway, as you can see this friend and I are quite close – although not seeing each other often or having spoken in a while – and this is what else I see.

i felt my heart open.  I felt my heart speak out loud – not just to her, but to myself.  I have surrounded myself now Anita with only those people I can feel this way with.  Now are there some great friends that don’t have the emotional capacity, background, understanding, etc – to comprehend and respect what I am saying – of course! And that is just fine.  It isn’t my MO to announce this all.

So now – back to our conversation.  My mother called, good for her.  I talked about it, processed it.  And do not feel triggered.  I feel like while on the mountain path, a lion roared out to the right, so it caught my attention for a moment, but then it quickly ran away.  I too moved forward.

I would like to continue our conversation, exercise, whatever it may be – and which suits you – at any time

Dear Anita,

I am glad you enjoyed my report.  And this is how it felt.  I came, I saw, I conquered – and now reporting back! And now–moving right along.

Young Cali Chica, stream of consciousness:

Yes, I would like to talk about the roaring lion.  My dad is often a scary lion – big bulging eyes, roaring, in person, on the phone.  Getting in fights if we go to the airport, or on the phone with customer service.  He is an angry lion, but also a scared kitty cat.

My mom, she can be a roaring lion too, in fact, she sometimes does this weird scream that sounds like a deep growl of a lion or tiger. She does it to sound scary, kind of like someone making a scary voice – or someone in a movie – making a voice.  I guess it does work, but probably on little kids.

these roaring lions, they can be scary, it makes me feel bad if my parents are roaring angry lions to me

Dear Anita,

Closing my eyes and wishing how my father was…well I don’t have to imagine Anita, because so much of the time he is good – and so he is like this:

I think of him taking to me, and he is telling me about his day, and I am telling him about mine.  And he tells me very good, and he says it is good that I am enjoying school.  He tells me about his patients, and I always ask him what he does at work, what he eats, and everything.  It is fun.  I don’t spend that much time alone just me and dad though.  He goes to work.  Most of the time,  I am alone withmom, or it is us 3. sometimes it is jsut me and my dad if we have to drive somewhere, and it is peaceful mostly

Dear Anita,

Close your eyes, little Cali Chica, and tell me how you wish your mother was with you, what would she sound like, her voice, what would she say, how does her face looks like when she looks at you?

She is calm and kind. she has a nice soothing voice, and she sings sometimes, or hums. she makes me feel better, she hums me to feel better so I feel calmer.  her face is smiling, or neutral, it isnt tense, her mouth is not twisted. she is kind and soft and plump.  kind of like a sweet pillow.  sometimes I can sit in her lap and just look at her face and it makes me feel better – because it is soft and kind.  her voice is high like a fairy, like a sweet chirpy woman.  but sometimes her voice is also quiet like a whisper, if it is time to go to sleep.  she knows to change her voice depending on what is going on – with me.  she says that I am a good girl, and that everything will be okay.  that everything will be okay.

Dear Anita,

when she is like that – i want to hide, and go to my room, or cry.  i guess I cry a lot.  or i want to scream back and be angry! and tell my mom she is WRONG because sometimes she makes up stuff.

sometimes i want to go and read my book or write something

Dear Anita,

i just saw your reply- perhaps didn’t translate to email notification. Back to it…

when I hide, or go to my room, or cry somewhere she doesn’t come after me at first. No. She is angry talking out loud to herself.  Exclaiming things – why did she come to this country! Why did she have children – to be treated like this! Sometimes she will even angrily vent to my dad on the phone if he is at work.

But often after this time she may come into my room or wherever I am. Crying. Sobbing. She may say something like, “I have no one” or that if I treat her like this “what will she do.”

Or she may come in and say something like – so do you feel bad yet?! Speaking to your mother this way!!! How dare you! We would never have such disrespect for our parents. And then she may go on to tell me I have a “bad tongue” and that it’s going to cause me a lot of problems in life