Dear Anita,

You are right she doesn’t need me, I think that I was thinking about the term need in a false sense. When you think about need you think of a child that needs his mother for love compassion and nutrition. When I think about need I think about Bodhi who needs me for his ability to survive on a daily basis. Although this may be a primitive need it is still quite Omnipresent in our society today of course.

When I think about my mother and I think about what you said, she doesn’t need me and in fact when she states she does and I fulfill this ever so elusive “need” of hers it is never enough.

She needed me to find the perfect guy so that she could fill this checklist in her brain and show off to society how perfect her daughter is. When I found this person, she THEN needed him to fulfill her every wish and desire She had. Then she NEEDED to have his family mold to her every want and need. When she communicated with them and collaborated with them, she THEN needed them to be something totally different and needed them to pretty much disappear from my life.
I see the pattern the need may seem like it’s always there but it is ever-changing so it is not a need at all. I don’t know what I would call it but it is almost like this empty bottomless pit that she wants to have filled but given that it has no bottom – it will never be filled it will never be full it will never be complete it will always be empty. In fact the more that you try to throw things down into this abyss – it just creates garbage on the other and accumulating in no substantial fashion and it hurts the minds and bodies of those attempting to throw any sustenance down there.

The concept of that I actually need them is new to me. And I will reflect on this. Yes so much of my role has been of this power. But to be quite honest I may have thought of this as a sense of pride in prior years but now I look at it as a sense of shame. I look at others who do not have to hold this super power strength or what have you, and I think that I would rather just be simple and have none of this burden. I know that they will kick and scream when I try to take this power away. They already do if they even sense me rescinding just a little bit like prior to the wedding. they kick and scream and cry and make threats- make threats that their physical health is failing -make threats to cut me off just to then stalk me. Threaten to badmouth me to their family members but then try to get their family members to convince me how great they are. This was just one they sensed a slight disconnect not even a full disconnection from them.

For they come to me with anything and everything like drowning children they are 5 feet deep in the water And they look at me and say what should I do?!! and I instantly say well cut off the anchor that is tying you down 5 feet under and making you drown. then you will rise to the top and be able to breathe.
They say OK that’s a good idea. And proceed just to do it again.
Now I think why did I have to tell them that is what one should do?! Why should anyone have to tell them? For what reason. To accommodate the same cycles of distress over and over. The more I allow indecency the more I become indecent.

What resonated with me the most is you saying about for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is so incredibly true and I reflected on all the times that this happens in my life in huge ways and on a daily basis. For example before I got onto my flight my mother called to tell me that my father was OK and that will he will be discharged home from the hospital. She then went on to ask some questions about my trip, but her mind was elsewhere of course she truly didn’t care what I had to say. She then had instant word vomit: “OK well that all sounds good but make sure you call me every day, have fun and relax and don’t worry about us but be sure to check in.” And when you return let’s plan for you to have a visit. Oh and make sure you follow up on that job interview that’s close to our home, your father and I were discussing and think that’s the best option for you. But of course you decide. “

Therefore saying that I will incessantly suffocate you while you are on this trip with my endless desire for you to be in contact with me. And am waiting for the chance to pounce on you when you return.

I took this in and I turned off the phone and I went onto the plane, I wrote the above post because that is what came to me. Naturally I would have listened to her, she loves having pictures and updates when we are away, she thrives for the stuff. But I don’t want to and I didn’t need to. I don’t want to call her every day and check in and tell her how much fun I’m having because by sharing with her I have less fun. That may sound very simplistic but it is so true and so innate.
Part of this vacation is for me to mentally detach and how —by trying to continue to reinforce this Umbilical cord that you have attached to me over and over with 1 million sutures how will that allow me any freedom.

Going back to your saying about every action and reaction. It would also have been natural for me to tell my husband hey my father is doing well why don’t you give him a call and check in with them they will like that. And of course in many families this would be normal -an elder has a procedure or surgery and the daughter and son in law check in. Sure.

Sure. But, this is not a normal situation and what it is – is reality and horrific. Sure is my husband capable of making a five or 10 minute phone call? Yes. But I no longer want to live based on what we are capable of, I want to live based on what we WANT to do.

If I had told him to do this he would have easily (despite all the abuse from them over the last year to me and directly to him and his parents). but then after he got off the phone he would’ve also had a deep sense of feeling of creepiness the same that I do, of them constantly trying to drag us down: hello thanks for checking in have a fun trip make sure you call us make sure you visit after make sure you don’t move far away make sure this make sure that make sure us us us us us.

All for what? To fulfill our duties as children. Of course, but what is that duty when it is abuse? what is that duty when just two days ago when I called you pretty much cursed me to the gods but then now think that everything is OK. My father tells me after the procedure that my mother was emotional and that she may say things like that but I should listen to her kindly in moments of distress, I should not talk back to her when she says such things to me because she is stressed out, she doesn’t mean them. I should learn to listen and only talk to her with a kind and nice voice because she is my mother after all, and she has done so much for me.

Sure. So I take disrespect as a duty? Because you gave birth to me so as a result I must endure. Thanks for letting Me know. I’ll be sure to adjust accordingly. At your service my dear parents.

Nope…

When I think about my dog who I’m very close to and as I have written has very much many human characteristics, he is a smart breed and is emotional and reflective.
When I think about him, I think of him as an individual entity. Yes he was born to a family but his thriving in his livelihood is only dependent on who he is in himself right now and in the environment that he is in. If he has a negative experience with me then he will then have a negative daily life. If he has a positive and exuberant experience with me or any caretaker he then has a better life. To me this shows the difference between nature versus nurture. Of course he does not even remember his mother. And of course he is a dog. But regardless…

But what if I said to Bodhi: yes you live with me but you have a real mother. You are one years old you’re old enough to understand that you live here but your poor mother lives in a shelter in another town. You have a great life here you go to the dog park every day you have a lot of friends you have a very full life. But you came from your mother, and your mother is in a shelter. So now because her life is not as great as yours you will make time every day to attend to her. I will go on daily visits to her to make her feel better. He will say to me: well why, I am happy here and everything is fine so why must I go out of my day, my happy routine just to do that.

I will answer innately and say well because she is your mother. He will then say OK so because she is my mother I then have to take out two hours every day in which I would be happy just to go there to make her think that I am there for her? just to sit there and watch her so that she feels loved? I will say yes because that is what children do.

And then I will ask myself -OK if he does spend this time going there – will his mother be happy? Will she ever get out of the shelter because of his small daily visits, nope. Her getting out of the shelter takes many actions beyond that of his visits, and his efforts can not contribute to thad. Did she gain happiness and validation and emancipation because of his 1 to 2 hour visits to her every day. Nope. But you know what does happen because of those visits?

What happens is that Bodhi was once happy and lively and carefree, the happiest dog in the world, and he is now bogged down and burdened. When he wakes up in the morning I see a sense of despair in his eyes because he knows there any fun that he will have over the afternoon will only be short-lived because he then has to go fulfill his duty at this negative shelter, which is becoming a traumatic experience for him. Sooner or later over the next year or so, this will become a routine for him and so even the things that he once used to enjoy —such as playing ball or meeting his friends —will no longer have the same joy or value. For everything will be tainted because of this burdensome role he has. It will soon be all encompassing emotionally.

And all for what?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,
“You took it upon yourself, as children so often do, to rescue the parents so that they will be able to survive so.. that you will be able to survive. Point is, they, neither your mother nor your father saw the little girl Cali Chica as a lifeguard. Neither one saw you as their rescue. They still don’t.”

Yes I did take it upon myself. And I still do. And yes, they do not see me as a lifeguard. They never did. And never will. In fact they don’t see ME.

“They don’t value you as a person but as a mean to an end“

This is so apparent in even the smallest ways. Before I came on this trip a few weeks ago (we are With 2 other couples, 6 people) my mom had asked who is going and what we will do. I had mentioned that it is a ski trip, but I will likely do yoga and relax during the day. She states oh yes skiing, other people liek your friends enjoy that.
No understanding that my husband himself is a huge ski lover, and I have enjoyed it since trying it too. She only sees herself. (WE) don’t ski. Not me. But her. She doesn’t know where she ends and I begin.
It was Infuriating during the wedding planning time (and mind you these details about wedding decor/ideas I could care less about- more the concepts). She would always interject if someone was asking: what color? Or what food? She would quickly say oh we don’t like that, we prefer this. Often I would look at her and say well that’s not true. YOU don’t like that. I and my HUSBAND do. She would not let this process for even a second (incapable of even allowing it to absorb). She would quickly deflect and say oh well I just thought this. Or make a silly statement.

It happened so many times that it was so apparent to me (and my husband) that she is living life thinking I and others around her are puppets to get to her master decision/plan/outcome.
Funny thing is – if and when we do get there….It’s like it doesn’t even matter. For she is now onto the next thing. What an exhaustive way to live. Not for her. But for those around her. ME.

She doesn’t value me as a person, just a means to an end. Someone to make herself feel better about if she is feeling low. Someone to show off about if she feels Inadequate. And someone to put down when she wants to project misery.
Never to think what does calichica want? Well OF COURSE she wants X. That’s how she was raised.
And if she doesn’t want X anymore. It must be because someone brainwashed her to not want it. (Someone like her husband) because the daughter I know would always want and love X.

I had difficulty with this concept about a year ago because I believed her. I too thought, yes wow have u changed and become brainwashed? Do I no longer value things that I was raised to value. Oh no am I CHANGING?!!

Now I see:
1) I sometimes don’t even know what I truly want because it is so tainted by her voice and her lack of differentiation between her and I.
2) and so be it! Say I did Change and so did my preferences. I am allowed to. I can grow. And this isn’t a slap in her face. Growing and changing is beauty and life, it is not a direct disrespect on another (especially not a parent like her). How dare she try to inhibit my growth and make me feel guilty for growing in directions she can no longer understand or fathom. In directions that don’t SERVE her.

Dear Anita,

Yes it is good evidence. It will either help (be beneficial) or not hurt. I know this. And of course I need to be stable and centered in order to be a good support to others.

Your point about the exaggeration is so true. I don’t feel I ever allowed myself to see this. As I would hear the mother voice: why do you think she is exaggerating, what- so you haven’t ever felt like that?! So when you acted that way we didn’t say you’re exaggerating and now your poor sister struggles and That’s your response?!

not to say that my mother would actually say this in regards to my sister. But she would surely in regards to herself. Because : she never ends.

absolutely. If it’s a wedding it’s about her. Future grandchildren about her. If my father is sick it’s about her (well if he’s gone I’m all alone).  An extreme level of self absorption that is done in such a “woe is me” self deprecating sort of way that it may trick someone. For it is not in the classic entitled self absorbed woman (think- queen like narcissist who thinks the world revolves around her). My mother is exactly that person and actually worse. She isn’t just the “diva” that thinks the world of herself, she takes it miles beyond and also the “sad soul” that needs saving. Using either persona on a given day depending on the response she needs. Superior in one breath, helpless in another. Almighty in one sentence, victim in the next.

And exaggeration is a key point. I notice the similarity between her and my sister in that: they will go to great lengths to show the severity of their situation. And as soon as you (I) absorb it and reflect on it and say wow that is terrible I do understand – they immediately snap back to superiority and defense mode:

”oh well it’s not that bad. Oh it’s not like I’m the only one who deals with this, anyone in my shoes would. Oh what you haven’t felt the same, you don’t understand”

Hook and bait.  Then self imposed importance  defensiveness