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- This topic has 1,633 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.
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April 19, 2019 at 10:10 am #289779AnonymousGuest
Dear Cali Chica:
Changing habits is difficult, and the habit to escape is a mental habit followed by the actual doings involved. If you don’t escape, catching yourself each time about to escape, but you don’t, it will feel uncomfortable every time, until you develop the habit of staying.
In staying, not escaping to the noise-out-there, you will have to listen to the noise inside, no distractions.
anita
April 19, 2019 at 1:34 pm #289815Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for this excellent point. What I will do, if I am successful at non-escaping. I will try to journal or jot down what my mental chatter is, what that noise is. I know it will take practice. I know it is not a perfect exercise in which you stop and your thoughts come to your head and you are able to analyze them. I also know that it is quite confusing. We play mind games with ourselves, we might think that we are OK just sitting with ourselves but our mind is still trying to escape, like a puppy in a cage- playful at times and seemingly at ease, and also a the same time anxious and frustrated. Regardless – I will do some observations this weekend, and report back.
April 19, 2019 at 1:43 pm #289819AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
My tendency has always been to analyze and that was often in my way. It is my habit to analyze and when doing emotional work it is often in the way, hurting, not helping.
Looking forward to you reporting back!
anita
April 19, 2019 at 1:55 pm #289829Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Funny thing is I already have something to report back. Because my tendency is also to analyze. I know it is your tendency to analyze as well, I know this because we have been talking for over a year now, and this is the beauty of our interaction. But I do believe that it also hinders the both of us from having relaxation at times.
Anyway,
left work and took a walk. I sat down outside somewhere to have a cup of tea, as it is finally nice weather here. I did not rush home like I usually do. I wanted some time to myself, not peace and quiet per se as it is a beautiful bustling afternoon in Soho, but time to my own thoughts without anyone else.
Here is what I observed this far, and of course I analyzed, I am not going to judge myself for analyzing right now. I am also not going to judge you for it, because that is the beauty of our emotional intelligence, and perhaps I can work on that one time, so, right now I am grateful that I even took the time to observe.
I noticed that I am kind. I noticed that I am friendly. I noticed that I like to interact with others. I noticed that if someone is sitting next to me and something about them sparked my interest I want to say something. I don’t want to keep this thought to myself, it is natural for me to share my thoughts. This has been a great / appreciated quality of mine over the years, it has allowed me to interact with many people, form great relationships, show compassion, and be more relatable to a wide variety of people than almost anyone I know.In short, I can get along with, relate to, and converse with almost anyone. But, today I am noticing how that keeps me from sitting with myself. Often, instead of listening to my own thoughts I choose to speak. Let’s say I am starting to think about what stresses me out during the day, if someone next to me with a beautiful dress Walks by, I may want to, and say wow I really like your dress I was going to get something like that last week. The girl may exclaim that’s amazing, and maybe we would start conversing for a few minutes. Nice talk with a nice stranger.
What perhaps the couple sitting next to me are tourists from Europe, they are chatting about where to go for dinner, I overhear. I might interrupt and give them a recommendation kindly, they will be very pleased and say thank you, thank you for being such a kind New Yorker and helping us out.
None of this is negative. But do you see. How this takes away from me… and focuses on them../
April 19, 2019 at 2:02 pm #289833AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
We’ve been communicating well over a year, to be exact, our first communication was on July 11, 2016, this is… a bit over 2 years and 9 months!
I will read the rest of your recent post when I am back from my walk.
anita
April 19, 2019 at 3:05 pm #289843Cali ChicaParticipantMy gosh Anita. We must celebrate our 3 year communicating friend anniversary!!!
April 19, 2019 at 3:48 pm #289847AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Yes, we do analyze and do a pretty good job at it, if I may say so!
And yes, our communication anniversary will be this coming July, we should celebrate it!
I read some of your post before last but I am not relaxed enough to .. sink and savor it, so will do that tomorrow morning, about 9 am your time. I will post a few quick responses in other threads and be back to you about 9 am your time Sat morning.
(Anytime you want to add anything before I return, please do so)-
anita
anita
April 20, 2019 at 8:11 am #289917AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
(I see two of me signed off the last post…)
Cali Chica is having tea in Soho, a beautiful bustling afternoon.
“if someone next to me with a beautiful dress Walks by, I may want to, and say wow I really like your dress I was going to get something like that last week”-
“the couple sitting next to me are tourist.. chatting about where to go for dinner.. I might interrupt and give them a recommendation kindly, they will be very pleased”-
– your motivation is to please these strangers, like the couple going to Florida, trying to make them feel good. Every chance you get, perhaps, trying to make strangers feel good. Why is it so important to you, to make strangers feel good, do you know?
anita
April 20, 2019 at 8:15 am #289919Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
good morning. My motivation is to please the strangers, these people. I am thinking about why that may be. One thing that comes to mind is to please them like I would please my mother, it’s not that different, rushing home with some great news, look mom look how happy this will make you! The next thing that comes to mind is to show off my inner abilities, look how well-versed I am, look how friendly I am, look how relatable I am, not necessarily in a narcissistic way, but it is almost the only way I know how to succeed. As though an athlete only knew how to run and not to walk, someone might say look here he is showing off his running patterns always rubbing, but maybe it’s that he never knew it was OK to walk. Those are my two thoughts as of now, what do you think
April 20, 2019 at 8:40 am #289923AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I will type away what comes to my mind on the matter without editing it, just let it flow: Cali Chica’s mother is a stranger, like a stranger, no intimacy possible, no intimate interactions possible, it is a hit and miss thing, that is, CC hitting her with an effort-to-please, an effort to make her happy, and sometimes it is received and CC is happy, she succeeded. At other times CC misses, she failed. But she will try again.
There is no substance to the relationship, no relationship really, that is, her mother is not relating to her. So CC is sitting in Soho and she does the same thing, throwing that ball, trying to hit a target, to please strangers, to make them happy.
Mother- stranger, other strangers, what about relating, honest, relating, back and forth, the real thing?
anita
April 22, 2019 at 12:29 am #290093Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I read your last post a few times this weekend. In fact, every time I read it, I took something new for me. This last time I read it, it is quite late at night, I woke up in the middle the night with a lot of my mind. I reread your post. The last line is what I feel is your major question, what is the real thing? What about the real thing, real interaction? In your scenario, I am throwing something out there, whether it is to my mom or to strangers, throwing them a bone, saying, look at me I have knowledge I am relatable, will you catch it, how’s that sound to you? Does it sound palatable? Does it make me you happy? Perhaps I drive a portion of my self-worth from this, given that it was so important to appease my mother, and give her information that would make her happy perhaps I am still doing this out in my own world.
So you asked, what about the real thing. Interesting you ask. I have managed to have a good amount of real relationships. At this point in my life I have done a pretty good decent job waiting out the relationships that are not the real thing. There are friends who came into my life through the 20s that serves a different purpose is whether it was friends of convenience or situational, friends of glitter and not much substance outside of funny, or simply people that you no longer have anything in common with. I am waiting out many of these people these days as you know. But the question remains what about the real thing? Well the first thing that comes to mind when you asked this is my husband. The only true real thing, relationship, to the realist extent is the one between my husband and I. And based on this conversation and what we spoke about this weekend, this need to speak and connect with others. I noticed that I don’t take this realist relationship to be up as much substance and worse as it really is. I believe that throughout my life the realist relationship is what I loaded by all of the non-real relationships. I can think back to my high school and college boyfriend, I have mentioned him in the past, I was so hung up on these so-called friends to really give him the respect and validation he deserved. Let’s fast forward to now, I’m not that different. I will say that I blame some of this on the society we live in, social media obsessed etc. But for me, are those distractions, societal Ways, societal pushes perhaps more of an issue? As in, I am I am more prone to being distracted by such things because I am already outwardly? Yes that makes sense, but I think that instead of focusing on the triggers that make the baseline problem worse. I need to once and for all look at the baseline problem. Like we have been in our exercises. Let’s say that we are analyzing a girl, she has trouble focusing on her boyfriend, and instead as I was on the phone with a myriad of friends and family. She is also on Facebook constantly commenting and doing this and that. It is easy to look at her and say she needs to shut down the phone, and the Internet.
But over the weekend when I was analyzing this, I thought about, what is more important is why is she always on the phone and Internet. Does she perhaps have a fear that if she does not connect with these people all the time that they will no longer be her friends? Is she perhaps so tuned into these things because they are a source of her validation, such as being liked on social media? Or lastly, if she simply unable to focus on one thing at a time, easily getting bored by someone finding needs to entertain herself constantly with variety? Maybe it is many of these things.
When it comes to me I have noticed, in the small observation over the weekend that it is simply uncomfortable to focus on one thing. I think that in the past it felt too simple, it felt like something would be missing or that I was missing something better side. A simple analogy is like this, it’s like feeling that if you go on a long walk, you were warned her the whole time if the food in the oven at home is cooked enough or if you should have put on the timer for long. But when you get back the food is fine, or the food is not fine but it had nothing to do with your walk, or most importantly there is no food in the oven at this later time, but you’re mine still goes there.
the feeling of seeking and needing to escape does come from the frenzy of the mind. This escaping has never led me to any place of productivity. Of course not.
So the real thing is diluted by the seeking and escaping. I have been more mindful over the last few weeks about my interaction with my husband and quality time. I have been doing a good job. Yet – I know that it feels like a full time job to do so. It is effort because it is not innate or natural. And that is okay.
I also know that it is innate for me to be distracted away from him at the drop of a hat and find myself occupied by some other thing/person/idea.
It almost feels like my entire attention us to go to this these days, but yet there are a few other things on my mind that I also want to attend to, one of which is developing my wellness program. It sounds silly, how to be a good wife but simultaneously also develop a business? To me it almost seems impossible at this time given that I am in the middle of the healing journey. Perhaps if I had already conquered/or already had the tools set in place to have a healthy marriage and be a loving doting wife that is supportive and not attacking etc – I could move on to another goal and balance. perhaps I am unable to at this moment..
Anyway I don’t want to distract this conversation with the idea of a potential business. I want to first focus on talking about the meat of all of this, the idea of real interactions, and then perhaps I can tell you a little bit more about my plans
i
April 22, 2019 at 6:10 am #290101AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Before I read all of your recent post, I want to answer “what about relating, honest, relating, back and forth, the real thing?” myself, what it means to me personally (my last post to you was highly personal): it means that only recently did I find myself calm enough, in person, talking to people. Before I was highly self critical while in the presence of others, so much so, that I was not … free to express myself for a while minute, let’s say. I was afraid much of the time, afraid of the other person’s criticism of me, too distracted by the inner voice/ mother’s mental rep to hear what the other was saying, to really listen. That mental rep is not gone, I am still afraid from time to time, but with less fear there is more of me.
When I think of you, Cali Chica, and the sentence I quoted in the beginning of my post (and again, I didn’t read most of your recent post), what do I see, I ask myself now. I think I do see a scared CC. Not self conscious like I have been most of my life, way more socially skilled that I was. Definitely more functional than I was in many ways. But scared nonetheless. I will submit this and go back to reading your post.
anita
April 22, 2019 at 7:03 am #290103AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
“look at the baseline problem… needing to escape.. the frenzy of the mind… I have been more mindful.. with my husband.. it is not innate or natural… it is innate for me to be distracted away from him at the drop of a hat and find myself occupied by some other thing”-
– the baseline problem is fear, because it is when we are afraid that we want to escape. And we are all afraid, anxiety is the human condition.
The many people obsessed with social media are afraid too. The method of escape is new, technology is advancing- distracting-while-texting, the quiet texting and messaging replaced the long drawn out phone conversations.
Back to my question: what about relating, honest, relating, back and forth, the real thing?-
– the real thing means relating to another when calm, when not distracted, not frenzied, hearing his or her voice while the voice of the mental rep is quiet or under control-
-volume turned down every time it is up, asking the person we are with to repeat what they said because his voice drowned momentarily by the mental rep’s voice-
– taking the time to rehear what the other person said. No matter how intelligent you are, how analytical and educated, nothing can replace listening (to actual voice or words on the screen) while calm. Calm interactions with others, really listening to the other person, processing it calmly and responding calmly is the real thing then.
The Wellness Program will definitely have to include lots of that calming I just mentioned, so when two people talk, let’s say you and a client, then there are only two people talking, not four: you, your mental rep with its commentary, the client and her mental rep and that commentary.
anita
April 22, 2019 at 8:05 am #290105Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I am not good at the real thing. I fail at the real thing. And to be quite honest I’m not really concerned about with who, except my husband. So many of our interactions during the day can be classified a small top, whether it is with colleagues or patients. But the one and only important time of my day where I actually need to listen it’s with my husband, I noticed that I must harness all of my energy to do so. But why not?. I haven’t told you this, but over the weekend my husband has opened up to me a lot about his own struggles. He is articulating them in a new way, a lot of which is because of our interaction, I have told him so much about our interaction and the awareness of our mental chatter, and what it is telling us. I will explain a little bit more about this throughout the day, but what is most important right now is for me to explain to you that now more than ever do I need to harness that listening ability, the ability to have him repeat himself if my mother voice is taking over, if my own mental chatter is taking over telling me stop listening and do something productive. It is the fear that I am escaping from, like you said anxiety is the human condition. But, I know that I can compartmentalize my energy and focus at least a few times a day. For that REAL interaction. The real deal. I will focus on those tidbits for now.
April 22, 2019 at 8:21 am #290111AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
The fact that he opened up to you in a new way is an indication that he feels safer with you. You’ve been doing excellent job for a long, long time on this journey of healing and learning. I tell you once in a while that you are amazing, because you are. You are persistent, tenacious… amazing.
anita
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