Dear Anita,

It sure was. In fact, some of which I only realized during our recent exercise.  Here are some of the things I observed during this exercise (in addition to all that I have written recently)

• my mother’s voice to me in private, the true mother-daughter talk is forgotten.  because it was not important.  it was not important to her to speak to me, her daughter in a certain way – in order for my development to be appropriate or positive.
• all of the mother-daughter talk that is remembered is her talking AT me, about life, and tragedy, and woe is me, and “lessons” about the bad world, and what I should and should not do.
• I see now, as an adult, that the talk between an adult and child also “should” include aspects of self development, and identity development.  or if not promoting that out right – at least not inhibiting it.
• her voice to the public about me was not congruent with her voice to me
• in fact she was unpredictable all around – and so this not develop trust in a child, and it surely does not build..self trust

dear Anita,

How well put, this is exactly what it is.

She wanted to escape from this self-critical voice.  If she saw it in others, her own self critical voice, her own reality, she would want to push those people far away.  She could not handle the “truth” – truth being the self-critical voice.

She did make up things in order to sooth herself, convince herself things to drown out the self critical voice.  She then fed my sister and I these “values” these made up delusions.

So as an adult, I navigate this world with these delusions.  Unlike her, I am functional, and I don’t consistently run away from self criticism — but on the contrary living a life of delusion.  Not knowing the true definition, of love, support, morality, or meaning of life.  Not knowing the true definition of what it is to be a good person, partner, and content human being.

Her abuse in many parts was this pushing away of this self-criticism.  But as a result she also changed the idea of what my sister and I thought was right and wrong.  It became normal to approach life in this way, and not face issues with any sort of coping. It became normal to live in fear, and believe anything and everything – as we were taught only lies to begin with.

Dear Anita,

Yes it was.  It wasn’t a lie because I am not special.  It was a lie because she did not mean it.

She spewed out words that were convenient to her at the time, to decrease her suffering, to escape from the critical voice as you say.

If I say to my sister for example, make more friends, mom is right – at this age you should be out socializing more

my mom may then say, look how mature and wise you are daughter

if as a kid I say to mom, god that friend is so annoying and jealous of us, we shouldn’t talk to her..

my mom might say, look how astute you are in seeing this, see how smart!

she may say anything – but if it fits the “non-critical” agenda in her head – yes

the moment it doesn’t — I am garbage, I am nothing

Dear Anita great points, I think of this in my own words as having an identity, the identity for me was given by my mother. As much as I am very proud of a lot of it, I don’t realize what parts I just took on as my own without thinking and what parts I actually chose. I will think about this tonight as homework

Dear Anita,

What I thought about today, was the concept of saying I don’t know.

See Super Cali Chica always needs to have an answer – a decision, something to DO, something to find out, a way to go.

But I am noticing that so often the answer is – to not know.  Or at least for now.

The concept of I don’t have an answer, and that’s okay – to say I don’t know – and that’s it.

To sit with that, to maybe perhaps know the answer in the future, or let it come in time – let it be

i don’t control everything, and so therefore, jumping to an answer is a delusion, an illusion that I can do something to change everything and fix everything.

to sit back and say I don’t know – I feel I can do that better now, and I will continue to this weekend.

Dear Anita,

Super is replaced with Special.  I like that

I am thinking a lot about what Super means

Super seemingly means great! trying, ambitious, willing

But today, nowadays, super doesn’t sound so super at all

it sounds exhausting, and frankly a little foolish

I visualize a person running around circles, and getting no where – aimless, trying, seeking, but why?

no real answer as to why…it does take wisdom and humility to not now, and be able to sit with that…

Dear Anita,

Thank you for explaining this well, we have touched on it before.

The seeking is running away…

running away from discomfort, distress..yes it is.

Dear Anita,

I absolutely agree, it feels very good to go back to a point that was touched on before, and that made sense but in a superficial sense.  As in, it made sense in “theory” but did not sink and savor.

Now, I feel that it makes much more sense.

Seeking feels like doing and being productive, but in fact it is running away – it is an escape a solace

But here’s the thing, this isn’t a restorative escape, because this “escape” involves doing.

What would be in fact a true solace is to allow myself to disengage, and wind down – to press the snooze button (so to speak)