Dear Anita,

Next I usually get very angry, sometimes I start crying.  Or sometimes I say the TRUTH! I say for example:

all you ever do is complain we have no one! now I finally made some friends from dance and you’re complaining!! what can I do?! there is nothing I can do!!!

But other time Anita – I feel bad for my mom, I feel “poor mom she has so much work already, now I am adding more onto her plate by asking her todrive – it makes me feel really bad and sad that my mom feels so overwhelmed and stressed then

Dear Anita,

When I feel bad for her, it feels like a deep ache in my heart – it feels like an overall heavy feeling. Feeling your body is heavy and weighed down – not light and free.  It feels like a weight.

Dear Anita,

I guess it does not.

But I know I feel it from time to time, not all the time, but I do feel it many times

dear Anita,

I don’t think I do this, but i do not know —

Dear Anita,

If I feel this…I will feed sad, tired, heavy. I will cry a lot –  I will not be happy in my life

Dear Anita,

I thought about your last post a lot, MORE than I ever have thought about any post between us up to date.

Why?

Because I was able to receive this post fully, as I am in the appropriate mindset and stage in my healing journey.

Therefore, when I read your words, they made perfect sense, they sunk in, and I was able to sink and savor.

It gives me respect for time, we can not force it, and if I am unable to process a concept fully – it perhaps is not the right time, perhaps my mind is not ready yet – and that is okay. Slow and steady goes the process.

You wrote:

 To be happy in your life you have  to feel that sad feeling, have to let it be, for a while. Let it be. When Cali Chica rushes and rushes, trying to not feel this sad feeling, it is not good for her, for Cali Chica, she gets stressed that way, rushing, running away from this sad feeling. You are strong enough, I know. You will be okay if you stay with this sadness for a while.

Anita, in my life, for as long as I recall, I never have sat with my feelings. First of all, I rushed to do the next thing because I simply told myself the delusion that there “wasn’t time to waste.” Second, from our work in the exercise thus far, it was a coping mechanism to not feel the bad feelings of sadness, empathy, and despair.  From a young age I was given those feelings from my mother, and my role in her life, so it only makes sense that my mind protected me from this as I got older.

Yet, this protective mechanism comes with a cost.  The cost of frenzy.

The cost of rushing and zipping here and there.  Of not sitting with myself.

Of feeling sad, but having a coffee and jumping to the next. Seemingly “moving forward” but never processing at all.

So as time goes on, coping mechanisms don’t develop, sadness/pain is not processed, and what we have here is a life of “progress” and driving forward, but no actual “progress” or development of the soul.

The soul suffers, stagnant and full of unprocessed emotions and traumas. The mind is forced to continue until adulthood, but suffering and struggling, drowning in all that was pushed behind.

So you question – who am I? Why am I not happy? Why am I always rushing and feeling stressed? Why is that OFF switch broken?

I have never ever allowed myself the peace and quiet of sitting with my own self and my feelings.

And yes, there is that fear that if I allow the sadness to be truly felt, I may not be okay – so I must ACT FAST and seek.  Why sit still, when you can do? What is the point of sitting around sulking, when you could jump up and find a solution.

But solutions are not found this way, and not processing emotions does not EVER lead to any true growth, solution, or positive change.

Do not be afraid to sit, to feel.

Do not fear it.  Allow it.  Let it be.

Dear Anita,

Let’s continue today (if you are able) to continue as the “adult” me.  I smile while I type that, because the adult me often does not feel adult.  So much of the mother voice keeps me as a child, a doting child, a child not allowed to grow, a child that was GIVEN an identity by another…and not allowed to develop her own.

A child who has been programmed NOT to follow her intuition or sit with her feelings, but instead FLEE, ESCAPE, AND DO.