Dear Anita,

I forgot to comment about the part about empathy.  I notice I wrote about how I am just starting to develop empathy for my husband. Well, I must first develop empathy for myself.

I took this to mean feeling bad for myself, and believed that it would not really land me anywhere.  I felt bad for myself for 2 years almost from the engagement to the wedding.  It lead me to feel worse, mind and body.  But I see now that was when I was in the trenches, when I was drinking poison daily, with the acute threat of the mother right in my face.

I see now that empathy for myself isn’t just “feeling bad for me” it is acceptance.  It is allowing growth, change, and honoring my courage.  IT is removing that flakey “glitter” friend from my life unapologetic-ally without being ridden with guilt. It is honoring myself in whatever I need in that moment.  It is…

It is knowing that I Cali Chica am in fact the mother – the mother of myself, the owner of myself, aren’t I.  If the definition of mother is: a caretaker, that knows best. We think of a mother as all knowing, well she wasn’t, but I am – I know myself better than anyone – so I must develop what? Self Trust. The title of this post.

Dear Anita,

Good segue into resuming the exercise.

Guilt:

Today I made a card for Cara, she is a girll in my class.  I made a card out of my construction paper, I used the red or pink one – the ones I save as they are the best colors.  I cut it out in the shape of a candy, you know those hard candy that have two ties on each side, like crinkly.  I wrote something on it, something like hi friend, or have a good day friend.  I want to make it for her because she is my friend now, and I didn’t think she would be because she is popular.  Maybe if I give her this card she will be happy and stay my friend.

It is hard to  be friends with the popular girls.  they are friends with each other  they always have new clothes, and they act however they want. sometimes they act bad because they have lots of boyfriends, or they care more about boys than school. but they are lucky because they have each other and a good friend group.  sometimes I get to talk to them and sit with them too, but I don’t want to leave my other friends and make them feel left out.  If i just ditch them and go to the cool people – well that’s not right.  That’s not what good friends do. Iwould feel bad about this – guilty.

My mom always told me how all the boy girl stuff is bad, and that I am too young for that stuff.  LIke on TV when people kiss and all, she usually doesn’t want me to  watch this.  When I go to my American friends house, they always watch 90210 – their moms are never home or they don’t care. In gym class we are going to do square dancing, so I have to have a boy partner.  For some reason I feel so bad about this. So I went home and told my mom.  She thought it was cute and funny, and said of course you willl have a boy partner for this – that is perfectly fine and okay.  I don’t know why I felt so bad about it – I really did. But my mom told me it is okay.

When we go to India, we stay at my dad’s sides house.  His brothers and family llive there and his parents.  His family is cunning and jealous. My cousins there sometimes I have fun with, but sometimes they taunt us and make us feel bad.  I feel bad that my mom got treated so bad by my grandma (my dad’s mom).  She used to be so bad to my mom after my mom and dad got married.  She would call her horrible names, and make her cry everyday.  When my dad would hit my mom, my grandma thought it wasn’t bad – a lot of those grandmas felt thats how to control a new wife.  My dad’s brothers wives were all mean to my mom too, and gang up against her.   When I go to India I feel bad about this.  I see my grandma and she tries to be nice to me, but I know she is bad.

Dear Anita,

1. A bad person does these things:

lies

cheats

is flashy, fake, boasting

is not a person of their word

is shameless, acts however is convenient to themselves without regard for others

pretends to be good, when in reality they are not caring, good, etc

uses others as a way to uplift themselves, without regard for what effect it has on the other

2. A good person does these things:

cares, truly, has a regard for other human beings – may even put the needs of that person before their own

is humble

does not make others suffer in order for their own self to gain

helps others, because they are good, not because of an ulterior motive

listens to others, and cares about what the person is saying

is helpful authentically

Dear Anita,

Yes, I am a good girl.  I care about people and I am nice.  I always want everyone to be friends

Dear Anita,

Yes, I care about my mother. I am nice to her. Sometimes if I misbehave she gets mad. But I care about her because she’s my mom and I always talk to her.

Dear Anita,

I think I will – because I can do a lot, since I am young, so  I will do all that I can – because I have the energy to do so

Dear Anita,

My mom always looks scared or sad, and shaky. even her voice is shaky – if I tell her good things like “don’t worry mom it will be okay” she gets very emotional.  She says things like “I knew god would protect me, by giving me a daughter like you – see the universe doesn’t take everything away from you – at least I have you.” She then starts to cry.  Sometime she will also say “thank you god for giving me at least this daughter who has my back, look at this young child protecting her mother.”

Dear Anita,

You remember a few of those times, what goes wrong, when those times happen, help me understand, young Cali Chica, will you, why is she not happy with you anymore?

She isn’t happy lets say if she is in a bad mood, and I ask her to give me a ride somewhere – then she gets upset and says “god I didn’t take this life to be a slave to my daughters.” or she would say to my dad: “look at these children we give our blood sweat and tears to them.”

then maybe i’ll get upset and throw a fit, and then I say something mean to my mom like “no other moms do this, they don’t make a huge deal out of everything”

she will sometimes get MORE angry – and throw a huge fit, get huge big eyes like a monster and say “HOW DARE YOU say this to your mother, you’re lucky I don’t kick you out of this house”

or sometimes alternatively she will get sad, and start screaming and crying saying “god what did I do to deserve this torture, even my daughter is against me!!  she may call my dad on the phone while he has work to complain about this and then my dad will get upset when he comes home, for being so bad to my mother