Hello Anita,

You are saying would make sense, it would make sense if we were talking about a sane person, a woman that is of her word, I woman who abides by her word and actually makes sense. Someone who is consistent and predictable. However in the case of my mother we are not dealing with this sort of human. We are dealing with an unpredictable beast. As you have seen her words do not match her actions, her words do not match her needs, she is unaware of her needs, which are fleeting and changing at any given second anyway. Like a toddler with his hands thrashing around wanting to poop and P and eat at all the same times. Which one first? All of them, none of them.

I want to comes to the concept of being alone, I have seen the ugliest sides of my mother when she was in fact alone. Whether this meant that she was alone on a vacation, truly by herself. Or figuratively alone, feeling lonely. I can give you many different examples of this, and I will proceed to do so in the next post. But in short, my mother wanted desperately to be anything but alone, but she was so unbearable and miserable that she was unable to actually tolerate people around her. She was overwhelmed by the idea that my sister and I were lonely at home, so she wanted us to flee, and seek company of others she felt that this would satisfy her because then her daughters would have a social life that she always wanted, that she could never reach. Similarly When it came to my father she had true hatred for him in many ways given the way that he treated her early on, and also given the way that she is a narcissist who believes that her beauty and her amazing godliness is unreachable, and that no man is truly worthy. I know and I truly believe and I am 100% confident that if she was not arranged to my father, she would not have lasted in a marriage with anyone else, whether it was of her choice or not. She is in capable of any sort of union with another human being.

She never truly wanted my father out of the house, but she wanted to Mock and ridicule him when he was home. As soon as he left the house she would want to call him. She was happy when he came into the home because she was no longer alone, but the moment he stepped foot she would complain incessantly about all of his shortcomings. It is a weird dichotomy that is hard to explain. But a dichotomy it is.

Imagine I am sitting at home all day thinking I am sad and lonely, wishing that I had a job, wishing that I had a friend. However I am not doing anything about this, I am not going out into the world and becoming a good likable person, I am not joining any activities in which I could learn something and meet new people, I am not a humble likable person. So alas, when my husband arrives home I think wow now I have someone to talk to. However, I am quickly reminded of how he is not good enough for me. I am a princess, I am a queen, I deserve someone who kisses my feet. Alas I have been matched up with a buffoon, how dare the universe do this to me, doesn’t know my almightiness. Oh alas nothing is good enough at all, yes my husband has arrived home but I am still alone. In my misery that is.

Dear Anita,

It could absolutely be true. Especially as I got older. I left the house at 17 for college and then all of my schooling. I did not live far away, I would visit on certain weekends. Regardless, my sister who is almost 7 years younger was home during this time. My sister dealt a lot with what you have posted, my mother wanting her to be out of the house. I recall my sister would be starting downstairs in the same facility as my mother, and my large house, and my mother making snide comments about how she feels my sister is watching her, and feels annoyed that she’s always clinging to her. So then my sister would go upstairs and study in her room.It was like her presence annoyed her. You of course remember that we thought this was related to the fact that she is infuriated that my sister does not have many friends, and usually stays at home, more of a homebody during that time.

There was that one example that you know about, when we were having guests over, I recall having a phone call from my sister saying that she was pretty much kicked out of the house. My mother said to her, Cole even do something, it’s embarrassing for gas to see a grown girl like you sitting at home while they are here, go to something and come back in a few hours so it doesn’t look bad.

My mother had this idea that kids, teenagers, etc. should be out frolicking in the world with so many friends, that the parents shouldn’t have to be so involved in helping them have a social life. This was one of her biggest gripes of American culture, in India kids played outside and entertainment did. It have to be sought out constantly. In theory she has a point, as that was a different role she lived in, and a different environment. But her thesis is not really make sense when it comes to treating my sister this way.

So during the time in my medical school and she was having this affair, I can absolutely imagine that she couldn’t stand to have my sister around, my sister even has stories of noticing that my mother was in the closet on the phone secretly, quickly turning off the phone and getting angry with my sister walked in. She would exclaim, I have no privacy in my own home!

During this time my mother became very obsessed about speaking about the affairs of others. She said it was not uncommon for unhappily married Indian woman to have this sort of thing happen, they were arranged at a young age to men that they had nothing in common with, so as they reached middle-age, they often found themselves being attracted to other people, and finally having a chance. She would explain the stories to my sister and I as these woeful tragedies, this poor woman stuck with these horrible lives, finally having a chance to be set free finally some love.  Once again in theory could possibly make sense, and a movie, etc. This is not an unheard story or plot. And of course this is what we believed.

You know something, this week I was watching that show again, the show of the dysfunctional family. It is a comedy, and there are multiple to dimensions. And one of the episodes, the oldest daughter, who is 21, ends up sleeping with a married man. There is so much hype and she hasn’t seen this guy since high school, and has lasted over him for many years. There is so much hype and build up to this sexual encounter of theirs, but when it finally happens, she’s left disappointed, it is almost comical.

There’s a TV show, but it got me thinking. My mother always told the first part of the story didn’t she. She would tell the first part of the story, oh wow, this woman has been needing this sexual encounter, and finally she met this man could fulfill her, after 30 or 40 years of being all alone in that house. Of course she never tells the second part of the story, what actually happens? Does it actually make her happy? No. It’s like one small girls tell stories, they talk about a princess being carried away by his parents. But as an adult we know there are other dimensions. Does the spreads have a job? Do they actually get married? Do they have a stable marriage? I almost laughed as I write all of this, but it is pretty much reality versus fantasy. Did Cinderella actually have a retirement and long lasting husband!?

Point of the matter is, she taught us nothing about reality in real life, just fed us fantasies and lies didn’t she. In fact, no matter how educated I am her only girl is in this scenario it doesn’t matter because the true life skills are all based on a fantasy.

It is like saying, go out there find your prince charming Cinderella. So this girl is out there are seeking and seeking and is finding herself frustrated this prince charming that you explain mother I’m having trouble finding him. So the mother says will try harder, perhaps there is something wrong with you, why wouldn’t you be able to find him? So the girl the spares, and continues to try to find yourself deeply depressed that she will never succeed.

But the mother fed her lies. The mother never taught her what is important, with the reality of this so-called prince would be. The mother never taught her what is important, how to approach peopleAnd that at the end of the day reality is more important than what we see on TV or hear from other people.

As an educated woman in society, I truly believed all these fantasies. It’s not that I grew up watching Disney movies and thinking that they were real, no I had a delusional mother to feed these boys for me, different kinds of lies but fantasies nonetheless.

The other thing is that it was all black and white, and so in the example above, she would explain the first part of this fantasy, scorned and alone woman going out and finding true love, how amazing, how inspring  But let’s say she decides to tell us another part of the story now, of course not the realistic ending. It would be that the man that she ends up with never leaves his own life. His own wife who is a fat troll. So alas this one woman continues her Misery.  What is the moral of the story? Is it that the women didn’t see things clearly? Is it that all that glitters isn’t gold? Yes, she would use this term countlessly. All that glitters isn’t gold. But listen to this, this would be her theory and conclusion. It would be that this poor woman has bad luck and she will never ever be happy…

This is her example of all that glitters isn’t gold. It is that this poor woman will never be happy, or that other man is evil. That is it. It is not that the true moral of that story is that what we seek out is not always what it seems. No that would be the adult tomorrow or lesson. Nope, good or bad still a lofty example nonetheless. Always for her.

Well, we talked about when my mother would make those comments about her unsatisfactory love life  You mentioned that it was at least good that she did not go into further detail, oh God. But that is not true, I didn’t want to really mention it here as it may not be something that is great to talk about. But regardless, my mother would talk about this,  that her needs wouldn’t be met. she would teach my sister and I that some women have more sexual desire than others, and so it is unfair for those women to be with men who cannot fulfill them. She would explain that some women are just that way. She told my sister and I that she believes my sister has that, and I don’t. She would say that some women are more hot, and some women are more cold. In this meaning of more or less lustful/sexually driven. If my sister was on this post right now she would explain it even better, but pretty much, she feels that ever since my sister was younger, she would be interested in romantic novels and books like that and TV shows, so she knows my sister has a higher drive like that. But she never saw that in me, and she knows that I am not that interested in those things, so I am not really like that.  She took great pride in explaining this to us, and finding solidarity with my sister in that they are both the same. Oh her and I – we are similar in that way. We just listed and observed we were not really offended or seemingly put off by this at all, or intrigued or anything  just listened.She would then go on and explain that women like her they have these increased desires and needs, and so if they are set up with a man who is not able to perform in such a manner, it is a tragedy.  I am refraining from adding my adult input here, as I want to explain it to you as it was back then.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.