Dear Anita,

NO she did not hold me and comfort me! I think she pretty much talked to me and my dad at the same time! like GOD what is all this commotion at dinner time! That she can’t take it.  And then to my dad, she was mad that he made me cry and I did not eat

Dear Anita,

No i was just sad. I was not mad.  Just sad.

Dear Anita,

I am thinking how I am so sad, and how I feel confused how somehow I always get sad.  that somehow someone is always sad, or yelling, mom or dad.  maybe i don’t know who is more mad, mom or dad.  i guess it depends

i also feel tired, sometimes when I cry a lot I get tired

Dear Anita,

I think for me it is just sad, the sad comes and goes because things happen. Sometimes I act bad, sometimes my mom is sad, sometimes my dad is mad. I don’t think I can do anything, I think it is just like this. Maybe it is like that, some people are not sad, but some people are sad. I think that is just the way it is.

I typed up this response above, I thought about its implication, I know I should probably not be analyzing my own Response so quickly,  but I can’t help but to write this here. The above flowed naturally. And I see – I see that from a young age I felt (that things were just this way) that it is how it is and it’s not CONTROLLABLE. The woe is me tragedy of this family, not the – oh things happen and people go through ups and downs. Never. I never recall feeling it will get better tomorrow, or that this is not an indication of the state of us/our lives. If there is anger today it means things are terrible – it is a fact. No transience of the feeling was taught. Just upheaval tragedy permanence uncontrollability.

Dear Anita,

Yes very interesting how you point out that my mothers goal was not to comfort me, but instead cement her position as a victim. Well said.

Great question, in fact I never recall daydreaming as a child, or daydreaming ever. I have thought about this for sometime now, and I believe it has something to do with burn out, my neurons were so zapped and burnt out so to speak- that this imaginative quality has not been present. But as a child – it must have been. But I do not recall any such memory.

Dear Anita,

I too, would very much like to figure out what was going through the young Cali Chica’s mind, when – you are RIGHT – she was all alone.

Seemingly not alone, as she was engulfed by the emotions of her mother – up an down, in and out, depending on the day.

It was a delusion that she was not alone, because her omnipresent mother engulfed her, swallowed her whole -didn’t she?

It is a mystery what she did early on, the time from then until she became SCC, taking over the world, with her cape – out there rescuing her mother.

This exercise is incredible, and slowly we will learn more about that young CC

Dear Anita,

My mother tried desperately to make the sadness to go away, today my mind is quite clear and focused, so I will organize my thoughts as such, she did the following:

• distracted, in the years after CC was a child, mother turned into level 2, the angry rage, revengeful, spiteful phase.
  • during this time she would distract. hastily sign up for a yoga pass, not for a day or week, but for months, only to come home and say ‘oh its not for me, or oh its beginner and I’m more advanced, etc, excuses” and not be able to commit or follow through.  she would go on vacation after vacation, running chasing, she would make random friends and try to go on trips with them, seeking, finding a way – as “she suffered her whole life, it is her right now to enjoy!!”
• projecting
  • she projected her sadness onto us, (me) and so I could “carry it for her.” Here she would say – take my sadness, it is too much of a burden for me to bear.  she would be proud in how much her daughters felt for her, see – who else is there for me, look how much they feel for their poor mother.  never ever once thinking, perhaps i should protect my daughters from sadness, and not pass it along.
• she would attempt to “reason” and “bargain” with herself
  • she would convince herself her life isn’t so bad after all.  “see look at how much we have, why would we ever be sad!” we are foolish to be sad – people don’t even have one of these things.  see how lucky I am.  look at my husband, he is so supportive and he is my best friend.  everywhere I want to go – he goes with me.  everyday on the way to work he calls me for the whole commute.  who would do that? most of these women, their husbands don’t even talk to them! they all sleep in separate rooms

Dear Anita,

how did she know how much you felt for her, what did she see in your face or your behavior, what did she hear you say that made her believe that you felt for her?

• She saw me cry, a true feeling of empathy for her, she saw me shed tears, and my heart ache.
• she saw me get angry, “screw those people who are treating us bad!”
• she saw me stand up for her, many times I would tell my father, what he said or did was wrong, to side with her mother, I saw only her suffering in the beginning years of my life, especially when my mother was the sad victim, and prior to her revengeful state