Dear Anita,

What I am going to write to you next is in confidence.  I have asked calisister to not review my posts at least for now.  What is below is not relavent to her current situation and healing, and it will only cause her more distress.  What I write below is from me to you, someone who is not biased – but knows enough about my background and situation.  Before I begin I thank you graciously for being a sounding board and someone I can write to even in the middle of the day.  I also feel that I am able to utilize being able to write this down so I can disperse and expel it, and not become a ticking time bomb and blow up at my husband later since I haven’t let it out.  What I am going to write below is an acute situation.  I am taking myself (and you) out of the background situation of cutting my parents off, and no contact.  For today and now’s sake that is not relevant – so I will write this with that in mind.

My father has a history of heart disease, 20 years ago he had a major heart attack, and subsequently had to have open heart surgery and stents placed.  Since then he has had 1-2 episodes of requiring medical care for this reason, but overall okay.

Now background – as you know the wedding (last 6 months) have been very tumultuous.  Over this time, my mother would call me many times and tell me that “your dad is having chest pain.”  “because of you he is going to have a heart attack”
To the point that once she called me at 1 am screaming that my father is having chest pain – and then (mind you my father himself is a physician) I ask all the appropriate questions about it (given that I am a physician as well) – when did it start, what does it feel like, okay this doesn’t sound so great, let’s call an ambulance and I’ll leave my house now.  To that she states “oh it’s not THAT kind of chest pain”  I was fuming anita – I said then what kind of chest pain? the kind that you wake up your daughter in the middle of the night for – but the kind that doesn’t need medical attention?!?! you are not a doctor, and so if he is having any kind of pain he should be evaluated, but if you are calling for any other reason – just say it now.

So she goes on about, “it’s not that kind of chest pain, but you know, the meeting tomorrow (some wedding related thing with my in laws) should be at our house not theirs…” blah blah

so in short: they called to scare me and cry wolf, dangling the “chest pain” carrot in front of me to elicit fear, guilt, and compliance. terrible.

anyway let’s fast forward to Monday.  I woke up with incredible stress, my sister having breakdowns, a million messages, wondering if she is suicidal, wondering if I should jump on the plane. trying to talk to her, but trying not to upset her – the whole thing.  being very supportive, but as her “parent” as she did not and can not go to my parents with this issue. I will admit it was extremely stressful.  I am not complaining about it, I am just honestly stating this because I never allow myself to.

So that evening I finally fall asleep around 10 pm (I have started a new job in which I must leave my house at 5:30 AM).  I have been getting terrible sleep due to all the stressors, and my OWN ANXIETY issues.

So I get a call from my mother at 10 pm, she sounds very creepy, not unlike these past previous conversations written above.  She says hi what are you doing.  I wanted to say what do you think I’m doing?!?! Get to the point here.  She says well, your father is having some chest pain, and he has been for the last 3 weeks.  I said okay.  She goes on to say, so we just wanted you to know.

To this, I find myself feeling some anger rise within, but I am much better equipped than I was a few months ago -so instead I let myself breathe and calm down and then proceeded.  I stated okay, so if he is having chest pain, and has been for aweeks, that is a red flag and he should get it checked out.  I think he should go to the ER.  Then I hear my dad in the background, oh it’s going away blah blah.  I ask to speak with my dad.  He sounds more straghtforward in the moment and tells me the symptoms.  I state, just like you would tell any of your patients who had the same symptoms, what to do and how to proceed, you should also proceed with getting medical care (the whole time I am thinking are you seriously questioning what to do – what is this actually about?!!).  they both get quiet, and then my mom keeps saying this strange thing.  “well okay, i guess you’ll be busy tomorrow so i’ll text you.” I said what do you mean busy tomorrow.  My dad states I will go to my cardiologist tomorrow and have an appt and proceed.  I state, if you think that’s best that is fine, but also consider going to the ER right now.  He states, no I think this is okay.  I say okay (and I do trust his judgement since it is his body, and he is a doctor).

So then my mom continues and states that strange thing “okay so I guess we will text you”…then my dad states oh and don’t tell your sister. my mothers states the same and I start saying oh okay —i won’t tell her so she…(doesn’t get stressed out)but before i can finish the sentence my mother states don’t tell her because – she lives so far away what can she do.

i realize in this moment that she didn’t say what I did, protect your sister from extra stress, why alarm her if not needed, why cause her extra stress.  Nope, my mom thought “there’s no point of telling her because she can’t serve us because she’s so far away” no thought about causing undue stress on her daughter who lives 2000 miles away.  so telling – so typical.  how can they serve us, not how can we decrease their stress.

so after my father saw the cardiologist – he is told to get a cardiac catheterization procedure today.  my husband asked me if i wanted to go there today. (it would not have been hard for me to take the day off and go down) but i firmly stated no.  I state in my heart I don’t feel that I want to go, for whatever reason. and I am going to do what i want to do, not should do.

I call my parents 30 mins ago, and my father picks up.  He states hello we are in the uber heading to the hospital.  (they took an uber because my father can not drive himself to his own procedure, and my mother doesn’t drive as far as this hospital is).  he tells me what he has in store for today, the time of the procedure, logistics etc.  i said okay good luck.  I said how’s mom, he goes good let me give it to her – i hear her mumbling in the back.  he said oh you know what – why don’t you call us later.  I said sure, but I may not get a chance to call soon (I work in the operating room), so let me talk to her for a few now.  he starts saying something like “oh you know she has some emotional stress this and that” then gives it to her.

she states (in our language not a perfect translation).  she is in tears and states, we are on our way, and i have god with me.  i know no one else is here with me.  i am here with your father, and god is with us.  i said okay mom.  she then goes you should be here, i am here in an uber taking your father alone.  you should be here with us, your mother is taking your father all alone. i said is the focus right now on dad’s health, or on making me feel guilty. she said it is on your father’s health – he too is extremely saddened by this. and then states okay i’ll talk to you later.

Hello,

I posted the above last post prior to seeing your reply.  I will reply here:

“Look at your success, look at these five lines I wrote here, above.”

Looks to me that my “success” is finding these individuals (although they are different) momentary relief, at the expense of my emotional state, at the expense of severe emotional burnout.  Moreover, this “success” is futile.

They cycle in and out of distress, and I am there to temporarily place bandaids, give the toddler candy to assuage the current tantrum.  The “success” or “relief” they feel from me is not long lasting yet–the burnout I feel creates wounds in my life and those around me that is very deep and long lasting.

this is not success at all, this is habit and pattern.  this is relying on imprinting (coming to me for relief) to get out of drowning water just to cycle over and over, bobbing the head in and above water.

I must break myself out of this pattern, as I am not achieving any “success” at all – not for them, not for me.

Dear Anita,

I am glad you do, I knew you would as half that wisdom is from you.

you have seen beauty in me, and thank you for expressing it. I see it too- but it has been squashed.

Knowing this all now – what would be a good way to proceed? Step away from the hamster cycle that is my parents. And even with my sister, employ boundaries and do not accommodate distress cycles.