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  • February 1, 2018 at 6:41 am #190067
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    I will add.  to the above, after she hung up the phone.  i felt some emotion welling inside me, some neck pain creeping up, and then it stopped.  i did not feel sad, i did not feel guilty.  i felt like stone.

    February 1, 2018 at 6:49 am #190069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    No wonder to me that you “felt like stone”-

    I too did not want to believe that my mother didn’t love me. It was unbelievable for the longest time, decades and decades. I couldn’t, wouldn’t believe it, no it couldn’t be, how could it… my own mother, of course she loved me, it couldn’t be any other way.

    A child is not capable to believe such a thing, and so the child makes-believes anything at all.

    As adults we keep saying things to ourselves to explain this unbelievable reality: no, no… no, my mother loves me, she has to, it can be no other way.

    We make believe… she loves me, it is just that she suffered so much… she doesn’t realize… she is mentally ill.. but she loves me.

    No, she doesn’t.

    I believe, Cali Chica, that your mental health requires that you see what is true to reality. Your relationship with your husband, if he is a decent man, depends on this. And if you have a child or children in the future, their mental health depends on this seeing of what is true.

    I am sorry. I truly am. I wish it wasn’t so.

    Congratulations for not flying there, for not being there with your parents.

    anita

    February 1, 2018 at 6:54 am #190073
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    My husband is more than a decent man. He is incredible and patient and above and beyond. But I haven’t been able to appreciate him or this because of my parents constant wrath. To be honest between them having a breakdown and my sister having a breakdown we don’t have even a moment. The last 3 vacations we went on either my sister or my parents had a breakdown calling us frantically. I’ve reached my limit Anita. Even look at this week between my sisters whirlwind up and down, and defensiveness of wanting help but not willing to listen. Then my fathers medical condition (which is an objective) issue. And then to this. I mean how much can one person take.

    February 1, 2018 at 7:37 am #190081
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Your husband is a decent man, you wrote, then be loyal to him, be loyal to decency. Do not support indecency.

    It is not decent of your mother to do to you what she has consistently done to you. It is not honest, it is not decent. It is not loving. Do not accommodate those things. The more you accommodate these things, the more… you become these things.

    I don’t know if you read my post to your sister. I decided myself to no longer accommodate her breakdowns. I will communicate with her further, if she wants, at this point, but I will not be there for her to release her distress, temporarily.. until the next time, and the next time after this. If healing is her aim, then healing she must take on, and quality psychotherapy is the place to start that healing.

    “how much can one person take”, you wrote. A whole lot. But at a great price and… for what purpose. What good does your accommodating your parents is (again, congrats for not traveling)- what difference does it make in their lives.. and in yours?

    Assert yourself, stop the waste of your energy, that exhaustion. It helps no one and it huts you.

    anita

    February 1, 2018 at 8:23 am #190095
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    < Thank you for your patience in listening to today’s story.  You say “Appreciate decency, don’t tolerate indecency.”

    It has been foreign to me to say I have a CHOICE – and that yes my parent’s behavior is indecent and i have a choice not to tolerate it, it is not my birth-given job to tolerate it. what a concept, hard for it to sink in

    Yes, I just read your post to my sister.  I was feeling quite similar but unable to word it.  I had reached my limit and stated, that I can no longer go up and down and relieve your stress temporarily just to have you cycle and re-cycle.  The pattern must end, and it does with actual real help (such as what you said psychotherapy).  No one, not me, not anita, not any family member is able to “fix you
    I think that brings me to my next point – I am a fixture that must fix everything.  Allieve my sister’s pain and suffering, help my mother, fix everyone.  I can not take it anymore.  Yes, my sister is not my parents, she is young, and in need of help – but that has been more stressful than even my father’s heart condition (which is likely because I truly care about my sister and feel I am her parent – because I have to be).

    Funny thing is that my husband and I have a 10 day vacation we are going on tomorrow.  He said like clockwork your family is having breakdowns and constantly dragging you (and us) down for support right before a trip.

    When we were in Mexico city, my sister texted me she was feeling suicidal, I was there to help her and got her the appropriate person to get to – and she was safe.  I am glad she was.  But countless other times of things not so drastic.  My husband and I have hardly any mental peace.  Forget work, he is a surgeon, I am an anesthesiologist.  Some may say those careers in and of themselves are stressful.  Nope, nothing compared to the burdensome personal life we have consisting of dragging the weight of my family around.  Being their saving grace and therapist

    My sister, appears she is on a stable path at least for now – I will let that be and I have expressed to her my concerns about my own limitations, and that I too need to participate in self care. She does not know about what is going on with my father.

    My parents, well of course I am curious to know how the procedure goes.  It can possibly turn into a very serious and grave condition.  On the other hand, I do not have any personal impetus to call them and check in on them.  IT’s just not there.
    Do I feel guilty that instead of being there for them, I am going to fly on a ski trip tomorrow with our friends.  I don’t feel guilty – I feel tired.  I feel that I don’t want to be there for them and drive the 1.5 hours (drive only) to get there.  Nor do I want to do anything.  I want peace. I want rest.  I want to be able to shut myself off for a bit and restore
    I know that I will have fun on the trip, and I have enrolled in daily yoga classes.  I will have this time to myself to step away and focus on me.  I know I need that and I know I will enjoy it

    I feel I am at a crossroads.  I want to go down the path of self preservation, I do not want my family to be the anchor that brings me down.

    My parents have single handedly ruined the relationship I have with my husband to such a great extent, but still, if you saw us, we have such a great connection and loads of fun.  There is so much stress brewing in each of us though from all that has happened and continues to (like this week).
    I want to allow myself permission to just be, to focus on me and him, to wake up and say – today I want to relax so I will.  I don’t want to talk to anyone having a breakdown. I know it is not selfish, it is just not natural and innate.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    February 1, 2018 at 8:45 am #190109
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You wrote: “I am a fixture that must fix everything. Alleviate my sister’s pain and suffering, help my mother, fix everyone”-

    Notice this: you succeeded in making your mother feel better every time you suffered as a result of her motivation to cause you suffering (most recently on the way to the hospital). You succeeded to make your father feel better by … making his wife feel better. You succeeded again and again in making them feel better  until the next time they needed to feel better.

    You succeeded in making your sister feel better so that she could experience relief and keep functioning until the next time she needs a relief.

    Look at your success, look at these five lines I wrote here, above.

    Tell me what you think.

    anita

    February 1, 2018 at 8:56 am #190111
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    You wrote this perfectly:

    where you let off some steam, relieve yourself from distress, receive some attention and empathy, feel better, continue to function…until the next time: another breakdown, letting off some steam, relieving yourself of distress, feeling better, and back to functioning… and then back again to breakdown.

    It shouldn’t be this way because there is no healing in it. This pattern is similar to a child throwing a temper tantrum, the parent giving the child candy, the child calms down until next time.

     

    I am also guilty of doing this many times in my life, and notice that I have recently decided to get off that hamster wheel (only very recently – which is a new feeling/position).  I know that the hamster wheel above is my default and baseline imprinted in me from my upbringing.  You wording it in such a way allows me to see how utterly exhausting it is.  I see that you have told me that I don’t NEED to be on that path, and that I do have a choice to end my role with it.  The path of healing only begins then.

     

    i have brought my husband on that wheel above for 4 years – without knowing, without thinking I had a choice not to.  all i felt is: this is me and this is my life, and it’s baseline.  I am seeing it doesn’t have to be.

    today I did not immediately find a way to relieve my distress my screaming back at my parents, rushing to vent to my husband about it.  i took some time to think about it (then wrote it to you).  I will process it.  I will sit with it.  I have time to do that when I allow it.  When I allow myself the self respect and time and energy I need – I am able.

    February 1, 2018 at 9:16 am #190121
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello,

    I posted the above last post prior to seeing your reply.  I will reply here:

     

    “Look at your success, look at these five lines I wrote here, above.”

    Looks to me that my “success” is finding these individuals (although they are different) momentary relief, at the expense of my emotional state, at the expense of severe emotional burnout.  Moreover, this “success” is futile.

    They cycle in and out of distress, and I am there to temporarily place bandaids, give the toddler candy to assuage the current tantrum.  The “success” or “relief” they feel from me is not long lasting yet–the burnout I feel creates wounds in my life and those around me that is very deep and long lasting.

    this is not success at all, this is habit and pattern.  this is relying on imprinting (coming to me for relief) to get out of drowning water just to cycle over and over, bobbing the head in and above water.

    I must break myself out of this pattern, as I am not achieving any “success” at all – not for them, not for me.

    February 1, 2018 at 9:35 am #190127
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I agree. Your most recent post- my evaluation of it: perfectly stated.

    anita

    February 1, 2018 at 9:42 am #190129
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am glad you do, I knew you would as half that wisdom is from you.

    you have seen beauty in me, and thank you for expressing it. I see it too- but it has been squashed.

    Knowing this all now – what would be a good way to proceed? Step away from the hamster cycle that is my parents. And even with my sister, employ boundaries and do not accommodate distress cycles.

    February 1, 2018 at 10:35 am #190141
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for all the support over the last month. I feel that there has been a culmination of events that have led to this week. The spotlight is on me. What kind of daughter will I be. What kind of sister will I be. Nope I shine the spotlight away to the inner me. It says what kind of suffering do I have- what is the quality of my own life. I hope to keep the spotlight there over the next few weeks while I’m away.

    I will touch base with you when I return. I appreciate your honesty in all – and I hope to maintain some equanimity and boundaries while I am traveling.

    I see the truth, now it is what will I do with it. Being firm in ones own self for what one needs is the precursor to change. It is the precursor to wellness. I know I am there.

    February 1, 2018 at 11:14 am #190155
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation. You wrote that you see the truth and now it is about what you will do with it. You asked what would be a good way to  proceed.

    My answer: take your time and figure out what you value more, and then fit your actions to what you value: 

    1. The temporary relief of your mother’s distress (who gets her relief by intentionally causing you distress)

    The temporary relief of your father’s distress (who gets his relief by helping his wife accomplish her relief, see above)

    The temporary relief of your sister’s distress (who gets her relief displaying a similar self-centered behavior as does your mother)

    2. The long term well being of your family of choice: you, your husband and your future children.

    * My goodness, the thought just occurred to me, that if your mother and father saw this listing, they would have chosen #1 for you, the first two sentences of #1.

    Well, I hope you have a good vacation. Do what it takes.

    anita

    February 1, 2018 at 11:39 am #190165
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Before I go – I want to ask.  I see the differentiation between #1 and #2.  I also see that like you said my parents would pick #1.

    Now of course knowing what I know, and seeing my (and husbands) suffering especially of recent – I am leaning towards #2. However, how do I “know/remind myself” that #2 can’t exist with #1 in place.  That #2 is its own entity, and with #1 clouding it, it can not be sustainable.

     

    February 1, 2018 at 11:57 am #190173
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am about to get away from the computer for about sixteen hours or so and am not as focused as I would like to be. Maybe I will come up with something better tomorrow morning. For now, regarding reminding yourself that # 2 cannot coexist with #1: go over this thread, copy parts into a word document, print it, carry those notes for re-reading (your physical symptoms come to mind, notes about your husband suffering, notes about Bodhi, your imaginary future child).

    When you suffer guilt next time, the unjustified guilt of not accommodating those who.. want to hurt you, look at the mirror. Look at your eyes, see the pain there. Have a photo of you taken, maybe, of your face in pain. Carry that photo.

    anita

     

    February 2, 2018 at 9:19 am #190319
    Anonymous
    Guest

    ear Cali Chica:

    I thought about ideas after posting to you yesterday, on my walk. I have ideas and thoughts:

    1. The issue of Responsibility: You have responsibility for your patients because you chose to become a medical doctor and you choose to work as such every day that you do. You have responsibility for your husband because you chose to marry him, and you continue to choose to be his wife every day that you do.  You have responsibility for your future children because you will be choosing, if you will, to bring them into this world.

    You are not responsible for the people you did not choose to have in your life, such as your parents.

    2. Do not accommodate anyone’s dysfunction- that is not helping another, that is … perpetuating dysfunction, helping the dysfunction to continue and spread to more and more people.

    Think of making the world a better place, see the bigger picture. Your value should be not in providing temporary relief to people who promote and spread suffering. When you do that, you give them the relief they need to keep promoting and spreading suffering.

    Turn away from the tradition of abuse, turn toward well-being.

    3. Everyone suffers. Your mother’s suffering in the past, whenever she may suffer, is not different from anyone else’s suffering. It is her responsibility, always has been, to not pass on her suffering to others.

    She is not responsible that way. Don’t contribute to her irresponsibility.

    It is possible to not inflict one’s suffering on another. There are people who practice this.

    4. A law of physics: for every action there is am equal and opposite reaction. Every time you choose to avail yourself to being hurt by another, to be used and misused, you are also choosing to hurt yet another person, to use and abuse another.

    When hurt we naturally feel angry and that anger brings about that “equal and opposite reaction”, that is the abuse of another.

    When you do not avail yourself to being abused, you also prevent abusing another. And so, back to responsibility, you are responsible to not avail yourself to abuse, not only for your own sake, but for the well being of others.

    anita

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