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  • #288107
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    To add: when I was in medical school and my mother put me down called me a cry baby, that I’ve been crying since I was born – it goes with the previous post.  That I cried more than the average child, and tormented her because of it – it was so burdensome for her as a young mother, a mother who didnt have a great husband, and a family that was terrible to her – what a tragedy.

    it also goes along with the “lion and lamb” comment.  from a young age I remember hearing this – oh shes so disruptive at home, and she goes out in the real world – she doesn’t fight back like she does at home, what a coward!

    warrior angry fighter at home, coward out there – how foolish this child is. what a coward, not smart like others

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #288113
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    One more thing – it Just came to me – this exercise is bringing up many things to surface, it is bringing up how absolutely sick and tired I am of other people’s crap quite bluntly – I haven’t admitted this out loud in a long time if ever.

    So you know what Anita,

    I think it is annoying my sister lives in the same city as me.  Even if I don’t talk to her everyday it is annoying, its like she is always there in the background wanting to play, and I simply am too sick and tired of it.

    see this comes up at a time when my sister has not really done anything wrong, and our interactions have been more superficial, meeting at the dog park from time to time.  she doesnt ask anything of me, or really ask to spend time together.  since the winter our relationship has taken a huge amount of space.

    so in a way – I feel almost guilty saying this, but this is what came up – so I wrote it down, as it is important – everything that comes up during this exercise I will observe.

    So yes, it is annoying she lives here – I already have trouble focusing inward, and the last thing I need is for any other thing to make it more difficult.  Yes it is on me, and my choice. but her mere presence on the other side of town feels onerous, today. even if I don’t see her.

    i am sick and tired Anita of everyone else, of making mom happy, making that stupid woman happy who is unable to be happy.  for spending an entire lifetime running and chasing, constantly on the tracks of the marathon constantly.  thinking I get breaks, vacation, here and there – nope – no breaks ever.  my entire mind has been on the race track – no wonder I always say, no matter what – I feel the same.  Because it is the same.  It is always making the mother happy.

    Well what did we say – lets starve the mother voice.  Perhaps for now starving the mother voice means not giving it its food (social interaction) telling it to shut up and sit alone for a bit

    #288117
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    She made it up, that you were a difficult child so to evoke sympathy for her difficult … fate in life, having an alleged crying, loud baby on top of her tragedy of being married to a medical doctor who does not help her clean the house and take care of her alleged difficult child. I suppose that to make herself sound believable, in the face of the fact that in company, it could be observed that you were not the crying, loud child she said you were.. she came up  with the lamb and lion story, to explain to others why you weren’t what she said you were when in their company.

    The work we are doing here is difficult. As I communicate with you I look into myself, my own life, my own softness and hardness, this is exhausting.

    Regarding your sister…  I hope she is okay and will be okay, but if she gets into some kind of trouble, please don’t rush yet again to  help her. Wish her well, that is all.

    I will soon take a break, you are doing an excellent job, Cali Chica. You are indeed amazing!

    anita

    #288119
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It sure is exhausting, and thank you for engaging in such a tiresome but productive exercise with me – this is where the real work and healing happens.

    I will too take a break and reconvene tomorrow.  enjoy the rest of the spring day!

    #288125
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You too, Cali Chica, enjoy the rest of the day and rest. I will soon be away from the computer and back about 9 am your time tomorrow morning.

    anita

    #288203
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I arose in the middle of the night today – thirsty and full of thoughts. I decided to come here and jot some of them down. Since we have been doing hard work – my thoughts are not a frenzy but pensive, from the exercise perhaps.

    You wrote above:

    “…having an alleged crying, loud baby on top of her tragedy of being married to a medical doctor who does not help her clean the house and take care of her alleged difficult child”

    I read this again and thought wow. Her medical doctor husband who doesn’t help her clean the house. Sounds so foolish and absurd! Yet here I am having believed that my whole life. In the sense that this monologue was reality. It was never questioned – the mother voice was never questioned was it.

    Why is this important? It’s not because I want to run back and say you were wrong! Or say to my father it’s okay you didn’t do the housework! No. It is important because this small example – or a large one in fact is an indication of how many lies I was fed. The word alleged is correct. And she painted me as a difficult child. Perhaps I was. Perhaps I wasn’t. But nonetheless I was a child. I see children now. All the time. Some unruly some well behaved. Some with great parents some with not. Some of it is personality some of it is parenting.

    Anyway I read this about my father and think – what a mess. My mother had resentment for my father. He used to hit her when they first moved to the US. Prior to my birth and perhaps while I was a young child – I have perhaps vague personal memories of this from stories, but know it is real. It is very real.

    Now I don’t believe anyone should be abused. And I do know that sometimes the abused becomes the abuser. I spent a lot of time in my life – especially adolescent life believing that since my mother was treated poorly – by her own siblings and my father, she became enraged and “retaliated” and became the angry spiteful person she is.

    I now know it is not a linear development as such. I know most importantly that the root of how and why she is who she is – is simply no longer important.

    If the child of an alcoholic grows up to be an abusive alcoholic father – he is still to be held accountable. That’s it.

    My mom spent her whole life trying to get empathy for the abuse she suffered. Every one of her actions became okay and validated because of it.

    She had an affair, psychological or who knows, with a landscaper while I was in medical school. My father was aware of it and in a nutshell – it was “okay” since he was never a good husband to her and never gave her the love she ever needed

    in a way this made sense, abused wife, never given appropriate love from her husband – looks elsewhere. She used to say “it is my right”. Sure – it is every humans right to find love, or not to be faulted if such happens.

    The thing is though, she wasn’t capable of this. She is not a functional human being. Of course this affair or whatever you want to call it was short lived , and she fell into a tragic depression. It was up to us (my father and I mostly) to help her out of it. I’ll never forget the day they called me after my first year medical school exam. I recall walking to my white car, and it being hot. It was my father and mother on the phone – and they were heading to meet the “man” N. Pretty much they were heading to have an intervention with this man and tell him to no longer contact my mother as it was harming her too much. She couldn’t take the emotional ups and downs. So here they are calling their “levelheaded eldest” for advice – “we are heading there what should we say?”

    Oh so Tragic tragic. Woman is abused and can not be loved appropriately by her husband. Woman also unable to find love elsewhere.

    Perhaps woman is unlovable.

    Now – let’s jump to this woman being a mother! 2 kids.

    I am seeing this from afar from the view of a television show. In fact one we are watching about a classically dysfunctional family. The focus of the show are the children, this family has six children, The entire focus is the children. What has this lack of parenting done to the children, how are these children now fending for themselves, how are these children approaching the world, education, relationships. People watch these sort of shows all the time. Even I am watching it!! But in my own life – unlike this show, I didn’t see things from the perspective of the child (the daughters). It was only ever the perspective of the mother. Even when I type about the affair, you notice that I write about how it affected my mother, and my father. It is only an afterthought on how it may have affected us, her children.

    this is because We were told that what she does or does not do is none of our business. That she had a bad life, and now she deserves to enjoy. That she has dedicated her whole life to us, blood sweat and tears, and we are not allowed any judgement. How dare we- she has a right to love like anyone else. And that we wouldn’t understand.

    And so we didn’t judge really. And to be quite honest this little affair of hers or whatever it is didn’t really affect us, it’s not like this person was in our life, and it’s not like it changed the relationship between her and my father. I hadn’t lived at home for years I was at school. But when the kids become involved, when your affair tragically fails, go figure, then it does affect us. So like on the show, when the dysfunctional mother comes home, with another tragedy, who is jumping to her Side. The children. Interesting.

    I see something here as we talk about the concept of hardness. I think about how there is another term involved, one that does not appear so malignant. The concept of distraction. In the example above I visualize myself walking to my white car on a hot day after an arduous exam. I think about how I likely have the natural feelings of any medical student, tiredness, fatigue, brain spinning. Common after such exams. But I have to push those feelings out-of-the-way, and power through, pick up the phone to speak to my parents about something quite absurd. Shift gears. Without even realizing. So what happens when I return to my apartment. Do those natural feelings return? Of course not, now they are nowhere to be found. And this is key. The natural needs float away. The gears were shifted. So now I am in my apartment, I probably think OK will what to do, I’ll drink some coffee and go out with friends. See it, right there,  I wasn’t able to authentically feel any relief after an exam, I was not able to feel anything at all. Which is always the case!

    I had to power through, I had to push through. This example is just one of many. But very important.  I have told you many times that I often feel like I am not able to enjoy something right in front of me as my brain is elsewhere. Well of course it is, I have been trying to power through, being distracted is not a result of some inability of myself to focus. It is a pattern that was developed from early on. Shift gears, away from innate needs .

    back to the example again as I find it very pivotal. I leave the exam, my head feels heavy, I feel tired. Inside my subconscious I want to rest. But my outward brain doesn’t have this thought as it is not a natural way for me to proceed.  My eyes need rest, my brain needs rest, my body needs rest. None of those innate feelings come to fruition. The innate needs never come to fruition. As a result I learn to avoid, and ignore these Innate feelings for pretty much the rest of my life. I have talked to you about coffee before. The fact that it ever came up even in conversation, something like coffee —for a reason. In the example above I go home drink some coffee and power through. Coffee has been a vehicle of mine to power through, instead of taking that nap, drink coffee and go socialize. Instead of sitting with my own thoughts on the couch for 20 minutes, drink coffee and go do something productive. Instead of napping after that exam, I am now wired from that phone call – well if I can’t nap drink coffee and onto the next. Caffeine or not it is the concept.  The concept of ignoring what I am feeling and moving forward. Running – not just the body but the mind.

    So today right now in the middle of the night I turn on the light in the kitchen, I see a bag that we used yesterday evening, for a small picnic. I feel a small flicker of joy. But it is a microsecond, it is not lasting.   I am not telling this to complain that it is not lasting, but more to tell you that my innate feeling doesn’t last long ever, my brain quickly jumps to the next thing. I looked at this bag had a microsecond of some good feeling, and quickly my brain will forward. It was not able to stop, it was not able to pause, I was unable to sink and savor. Even in the middle of the night when there is no other task at hand. See this, this is programming. It is programming from my parents who distracted me from my own personal needs/thoughts very early on.

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #288249
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Lie: Cali Chica was a difficult child.

    Truth: It is your mother who was difficult, a difficult person to live with, for your father, for you, for your sister and for anyone in a relationship with her.

    Lie: your mother was an abused woman, her life as an adult has been tragic.

    Truth: your mother was not an abused woman and as an adult, she lived a privileged life that millions of women envy.

    Truth: as a child, your mother was abused. As an adult she was more of an abuser than her own childhood abusers. As an adult, she felt entitled to abuse, which is a hallmark of abuse and abusers, a sense of entitlement… now that I can (do to others what was done to me/hurt others), I will !

    –“the mother voice was never questioned”- young children never question their parents, it never happens.

    If your father hit her early in their marriage, well, she wasn’t scared of him hitting her when she had an affair with another man, so unafraid that she and her husband drive peacefully to meet the other man in her life.

    Your mother was a spiteful, vengeful, entitled-feeling, selfish woman who had no regard for others’ well being, including her own daughters. Yes, she was the difficult one, very difficult, bad news really, for anyone having the misfortune of marrying her and worse, born to her

    Your mother’s focus was always.. her. She was her own focus. It doesn’t matter to her if she does wrong by another, what matters to her is that she feels badly. If she has an affair and feels badly, then she is the victim. I will exaggerate so to make a point: let’s say she murders an innocent person and her arm hurts because of the physical exertion involved- in her mind, she is the victim because her arm hurts.

    Lie: “she has dedicated her whole life to us, blood sweat and tears”.

    Truth: she has dedicated her whole adult life to revenge, to punish anyone and everyone available to her anger.

    Lie: “we are not allowed any judgement”

    — – Your dominant angry and vengeful mother and her passive victim and co-victimizer of you and your sister did indeed distract you “from your own personal needs/thoughts very early on” because in your mother’s brain you didn’t matter, your needs and thoughts were none of her concern. For her, no  one mattered but herself. Of course, you learned “to avoid, and ignore these Innate feelings… ignoring what I am feeling and moving forward. Running- not just the body but the mind“-

    -within that mental unit of child/mother she mattered, you did not. As you became a woman, still she matters, you don’t. Her life was not about you, it was about her. Your life was not about you, it was about her. One mental unit.

    “I feel a small flicker of joy.. a microsecond.. my brain quickly jumps to the next thing… not able to pause.. to sink and savor. Even in the middle of the night when there is no other task at hand”- your mother is there, still, demanding as always: my life/your life is about me! Look at me! Here I am! Attend to me! me! me!

    And when she gets a person’s attention, she then proceeds with her revenge objective. So you look at that box, feels a microsecond of joy but you can’t stay there, can’t relax into it, because you have to attend to your mother and her agenda: to punish, take revenge, pay the price of her long gone childhood.

    No one stays in place for revenge, everyone runs away, if not in body, then in mind.

    anita

     

    #288251
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I love and totally admire the way you can respond to a post from me, in the exact manner which makes sense to me.  In so many ways we speak a similar language – and that is so refreshing to me.  In a world where many people don’t, perhaps most, and it requires the need to explain yourself – in the context of you and I, it is appreciate that most of the time, we “just get it/each other.”

    feels a microsecond of joy but you can’t stay there, can’t relax into it, because you have to attend to your mother and her agenda

    your mother is there, still, demanding as always: my life/your life is about me

    Absolutely, she is.  Like you said before, although not physically there, I still try to make her happy, I am still feeding the mother voice.

    If you would like, shall we continue the exercise?

    #288255
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, you and I “get it”, get the truth, that is.

    I am available for the exercise.

    anita

    #288257
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My grandma is here from India, because my sister is born.  I am 6 and a half years old.  My grandma one night sees my dad get really mad at me, he is so mad, I don’t remember why.  But his eyes are really big and he looks like a scary monster.  She says don’t be mad at this small child.  She looks upset and scared, and she is trying to protect me.

    I go to my room, and my grandma comes in and she looks really sad.  She says to me, don’t be bad okay.  Because then your dad will get angry.  So try to be good..

    #288259
    Anonymous
    Guest

    – tell me more about your father getting mad at you, other times, do you remember?

    anita

    #288261
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My dad has a temper problem.  He used to hit my mom.  He never hit me but sometimes he looks like a big scary monster that will hit someone.  He always gets mad easily and yells.  When he is mad his eyes pop out of his head and his face gets really red. i remember one time at dinner he got really mad, we were all sitting to eat – and he got so mad, I don’t remember why.  And I remember I did not eat – and my mom was upset because he made me cry so much that I did not eat.

    sometimes my dad is nice, when I came back from India one time he brought a teddy bear to the airport, I love that teddy bear.

    #288265
    Anonymous
    Guest

    When he was mad at you at the  dinner table, and your mother got upset, what did she say, what did she do then, do you remember?

    anita

    #288267
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    She said something like (in our language) “why are you doing this to her, you have such a bad temper. look now she is not even eating!”

    it seems to me Anita, that my mom is so sick of my dad having a temper problem.  she was so upset that now he was so bad to me, and i didn’t even eat.

    #288273
    Anonymous
    Guest

    did she say anything to you, at the dinner table, or afterwards, do you remember what she said to you, did she hold you, comfort you?

    anita

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