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Cali Chica.
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April 7, 2019 at 12:01 pm #287981
AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I do want to continue our dialogue, of course, as well as the exercise we started. I didn’t read most of your recent post (had a delicious and large brunch, my one Sunday meal, so my brain is not well supplied with oxygen at the moment).
Next I will go for my walk and when I am refreshed, maybe Monday morning, maybe earlier, I will attentively read your recent post and anything you may add to it and reply.
Have a good rest of Sunday (it is 3 pm your time, noon mine).
anita
April 7, 2019 at 12:11 pm #287985
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
(I hope you enjoyed your delicious brunch, you described it so nicely I can savor it from here! I will continue the exercise on my own, what flows – and we can speak more tomorrow when you have digested the food! 🙂 )
I am in my room, it is really big and teal in color. My parents and me we moved to this new town. We used to live near a city in an apartment. but the schools are bad there, so we moved here. but here it is sad. it is sad because the houses are big and no one is outside. if you go walk outside no one there. and no one for me to play with.
i have a big room and my parents and me, we went to buy the furniture. my mom said it is very nice expensive furniture. everything is matching – it is teal and white. the best part is the fan – it is such bright colors! it has my favorite color – bright pink. sometimes i wish my whole room was bright pink instead. but that is okay.
i have bunk beds. sometimes i want to sleep in the top part because its fun.
i go to kindergarten in Miss Z class. I didnt go to preschool like everyone else. I was very sad to go to school. My mom came with me and she stayed for a while the first day. I dont like when she goes. She comes to recess and she is worried I have no one to play with. She watches me and she looks sad. Maybe I am sad.
My mom learned to drive here in this town, and sometimes she drops me at school. Driving is hard and she learned it so she can take me places. It is not easy for her to learn this, but she has to. My dad goes to work so she drives me.
Some times I feel sad that my mom moved to America. She has to do all this stuff and everyone is so bad to her.
(I will pause here, for the first time in a very long time I have tears. I feel a strong sense of: “what is the point of her life if after she moved here she suffered day in and day out, what a shame” – I will leave it at that)
April 8, 2019 at 7:49 am #288037AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I attentively read all your posts from yesterday. I will quote you and comment, starting with the 5 year-old-exercise:
“I am 5 years old and I am sitting on my porch… Mom, it is so nice to sit outside in the sun. I feel sad when it is not sunny. In India it is always sunny.. but not here. Here everyone closes the door and sits inside all day by themselves. They don’t want to be nice or include me… Sometimes I go to play with my neighbors, they have lots of brothers and sisters… They are lucky that they can always play with each other… My mom said it is sad that we have to be alone. Other people always have each other”-
– your mother’s focus was over-there, over there people have each other. But what about over-here, what happened in her own home?
Did she experience that softness we’ve been discussing as she interacted with her husband, with you, later, with your younger sister… did she experience softness with anyone, longer than a fleeting moment here and there, perhaps?
She wanted more people while she was not experiencing joy with the few people she did have at home.
But five year old doesn’t understand that her mother is closed off to all people- people here, there and everywhere. The five year old erroneously thinks that her mother is sad because her mother doesn’t have more people in her life. She thinks so because that is what her mother said.
Five year old CC loves her mother deeply, not yet mentally separated from her, and so, her empathy for her mother is perfect. Her mother is sad and there is nothing at all that the little girl will not do to make her mother happy. She will do anything.
Mother says she needs more people to be happy, so CC gets on a mission: to bring more people to her mother’s life, to make friends, to socialize and accumulate people.
CC doesn’t understand that her mother is lonely because she is hard, not capable or willing to get close to anyone. CC doesn’t know that more people will not make her mother happy when it is impossible for her to intimately, softly connect to a single person.
In general, people think of the ability to make friends and keeping friends as a sign of mental health, but in your case, it was a compulsion fueled by your love for your mother.
Because you were one mental unit with your mother early on, and yet to be separated enough, you don’t realize that you are still compelled to make friends, to keep the ones you have, to socialize with others as your number one priority, because you are still trying to make your mother happy. Even while not in contact with your mother, you are still driven to bring more people into her life.
To have a close, intimate relationship with a single person, that softness is required. “It is for sure that from a very early age, I had to hardened any of that softness”. You were a soft five year old. Within the context of your first and most significant by far relationship, the one with your mother, you were repeatedly rejected.
I know you were rejected because the child CC was soft and her mother was hard. I don’t think you remember the many incidents of being rejected by her. Your focus was always her focus- over there, not the over-here hardness.
What took your softness away was your mother rejecting you many, many times. As a result of her rejections, you felt hurt again and again, and angry “when I think about my mother or any people that are similar.. I am filled with anger and frustration”.
What happened over-here, in your childhood home, all that you don’t remember? It is right here: “Here everyone closes the door and sits inside all day by themselves. They don’t want to be nice or include me”- over here, in your childhood home, behind closed doors, you were alone, by yourself, not included. You repeatedly reached out to your mother and your efforts hit a wall, a hard, cold wall.
“It is so nice to sit outside in the sun”- inside, it is cold. “In India it is always sunny”- not behind closed doors, with your mother.
You shed your softness as a way to indeed survive hardness, your mother’s. But you are not like your mother, Cali Chica. You are not vicious. You are… well adjusted, that is all, and still driven to make her happy.
anita
April 8, 2019 at 8:34 am #288057Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I will add some quotes from your amazing passage, the ones that stick out the most to me and I would like to comment.
CC gets on a mission: to bring more people to her mother’s life, to make friends, to socialize and accumulate people.
In general, people think of the ability to make friends and keeping friends as a sign of mental health, but in your case, it was a compulsion fueled by your love for your mother.
you don’t realize that you are still compelled to make friends, to keep the ones you have, to socialize with others as your number one priority, because you are still trying to make your mother happy.
YES YES YES
This weekend I had cancelled all my plans, to have some personal time. So many times in my head I was tempted to reach out and check in on a friend or two. “how was that bridal shower, how was your day, how’s your pregnancy going…etc etc”
It felt like a compulsion for sure, a habit, an involuntary one – something that was knee jerk role of CC. It wasn’t fueled by a truly honest need to know – more like “of course I have to check in and ask.”
The funny thing is Anita, yesterday, Sunday I made it a point to not do this. My husband was at a conference for most of the day. I sat with my dog and my thoughts, we walked around, I pondered, I wrote to you. I saw how much it felt like “failing” (my mother) that I wasn’t running around accumulating social interactions and people. It sure did feel that way. And you know what more? Guess what term started creeping into my mind – lonely.
Not unlike 5 year old CC, right? I had the term creep in my mind, “I have the whole day to myself” and perhaps the mother voice/perhaps the compulsion CC voice – said oh interesting, lonely.
It felt foreign to not engage and seek. IT did.
But we have spoken about this before, this time around, I want to tie it in with our true conversation, the meat of the matter – the softness.
Hardness is for sure a survival mechanism. I recall some more, maybe not from when I was 5, but regardless. The next level:
young CC is sad because her cousins don’t include her. Now, next level mother is not crying and “woe is me” she is now angry. Level 2. she says ‘why are we sitting around crying about those horrible people, look at how much we have! why would we care about them, come on lets get in the car and go to the mall. we will have our own fun.”
so en route to the mall and EVERY single second there, she talks about this. “screw them!” “look how much fun we are having.” “they never get to do stuff like this!” “next time you see your cousins tell them how much fun you had.”
In a way this contributed to the hardness, and the pattern I have now – to jump to compulsion without sitting with my sad feelings first.
For example Sunday, I sat with it – to a point “oh it is interesting to walk around this city, without being with someone or running to a plan – just walking to walk. it is fun, but does feel strange.”
The normal CC would get on the phone and “make the call shes been meaning to.” Why? Well of course seek and bring more socialness to her life (to her mother’s life)
This hardness is intertwined with seeking, a compulsion to seek, to be social and prioritize others – the outward life. It is the duty of myself as a daughter to my mother.
The hardness is intertwined with this because it takes a hardened individual to gloss over their own needs, soft feelings and jump straight to “roar lets do this, lets go! power on!”
April 8, 2019 at 9:02 am #288067Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
You asked: Did she experience that softness we’ve been discussing as she interacted with her husband, with you, later, with your younger sister… did she experience softness with anyone, longer than a fleeting moment here and there, perhaps?
No she did not. But I will say I mistook her “emotionality” and “hysteria” for softness. I did until the age of 30 or so.
I thought it was softness, my mom feels more than the average person, cares more, loves more. That’s why she’s so involved and gets so hurt. I recall her being distraught when I or my sister did not get invited to a birthday party. Going on and on. I felt sad, I thought wow how sad that those people didn’t invite me. I saw how much my mother “cared” which made me MORE sad. I saw it as my mother sees the truth, that others don’t.
My mother’s quote forever was – “I have a clean heart.” That people with a clean heart feel more, and other’s don’t like the “dirty truth.” She would be enraged if someone didn’t take her truth as real. She would exclaim that the other party was fake and not caring. They do not have a clean heart – they can’t handle the dirty truth.
I recall going to friends houses, and lets say the mom there was nice to us, made us a nice meal. I would come home and share this with my mother. Her response would be: oh well that mother doesn’t have to do any work, that’s why she does all that. American people have dirty houses and don’t clean, so they can run around playing all day. Look at me, who helps me do anything around here? Your dad?! no way! other mothers are so lucky their husbands help them at home with housework. I have nothing, I’m just the slave.
so where did it go? my story of having a nice day at my friend’s house…it disappeared – didn’t it?
but let’s tell the story again, with another outcome (the unpredictability that is my mother). I tell her what a great day I had at my friend’s house and how her mom did things for us.
My mother’s response: “oh that’s amazing. see how important it is to have good friends. see you are lucky you have good company. keep this good friend. I always tell your sister, look at CC how many friends she has – always going somewhere.”
so CC mental response: stay occupied, it is good, mother says so, more the better, seek seek seek, which means happy (makes mom happy)
April 8, 2019 at 9:03 am #288071AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
“she says ‘why are we sitting around crying about those horrible people… let’s get in the car and go to the mall… screw them!.. look how much fun we are having.. they never get to do stuff like this.. next time you see your cousins tell them how much fun you had”
– is it the right time now, to continue the exercise? If it is then I am asking young CC: did you have fun in the mall, what was happening there, in the mall (and after maybe, telling your cousins), what were you thinking, what were you feeling.. anything that comes to mind? Let it flow, whatever it is.
anita
April 8, 2019 at 9:13 am #288073Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I posted again before your response. If you would like to read first.
To answer, yes it is a good time to continue the exercise, an excellent time, as I feel memories and thoughts flowing:
You asked: did you have fun in the mall, what was happening there, in the mall (and after maybe, telling your cousins), what were you thinking, what were you feeling.. anything that comes to mind?
I am in the mall, it is fun here, it is close to my house. My mom says that it isn’t that good of a mall because there aren’t that many people here. She says sometimes it is depressing. My mom likes to look at the perfumes, so we go there, the ladies in the makeup section always smell good and are pretty. Maybe i can be like them one day. sometimes they tell me how pretty I am which is nice. it makes my mom happy when people say that. she tells me that my cousins have jealousy because i am so special like that. sometimes it is bad to be special like that maybe.
i go to my cousins house the following weekend. i forget to tell my cousins aboutthe mall trip because we are having fun outside playing a game in the apartment yard. my mom brings it up, she said oh CC had so much fun last weekend at the mall, we went there and she enjoyed so much. I don’t say that much.
my mom says to me later: you always are running around with so much to say at home, but what about here in front of others – mute! – like a “roaring lion at home, but a scared lamb around others”
(rough translation to english – this quote comes up time and again in her frustration towards me)
April 8, 2019 at 9:28 am #288077AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I read your post before last (and the most recent) and it occurred to me that your mother claimed other people are jealous of her and of you when it was she who was jealous of others, very envious of others. She was on a mission to show off and wanted you to join forces with her and show others. This is why she was angry that you .. forgot to tell your cousins about how much fun you had in the mall.
Back to the exercise if possible: how do you feel, little CC, when your mother said you are roaring lion at home and a scared lamb around others… what do you think she meant by it?
anita
April 8, 2019 at 9:40 am #288081Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I feel bad when my mom says that. i am always crying and getting in trouble at home so maybe thats why she says it. she says that i act really quiet at school and other places, but loud at home. and that is not good. because if i am loud and talkative at home i can be at school too. or if i am quiet with other people why do i act bad at home and cry and complain.
i think she means that other people don’t see the real me, how bad i am – because if i am quiet i hide it.
it is also bad to be quiet in school and stuff, because then you don’t make friends
April 8, 2019 at 9:47 am #288087AnonymousGuestTell me more, little Cali Chica, about getting in trouble at home
anita
April 8, 2019 at 10:05 am #288091Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Ever since I was a baby I cried all the time. My mom always says it and so does everyone. Even when I went to India everyone says oh CC always cried a lot when she was a baby, they laugh about it and they think I am cute. They joke about how I was a lot for my mom to handle. They also say I am very special because I have beautiful eyes.
So I get in trouble because I cry and complain. Sometimes I don’t like what I am wearing so I rip it off. I get mad. Sometimes I get in trouble because one time I ran away when we were at SEsame place. I took my cousin and we went on an adventure and got lost. We had to go to the Sesame place lost office and they had to announce my parents overhead to get us.
it was bad- my mom said I should never do that again. that i always get in big trouble like this.
sometimes at home my dad gets a bad temper when i complain – if he comes home from work and my mom is upset with me he gets a bad temper because he just got home
April 8, 2019 at 10:15 am #288095AnonymousGuestWhen did you stop crying, when did you decide to never cry again?
anita
April 8, 2019 at 10:23 am #288097Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I didn’t make the conscious decision to stop crying, in fact, one of my biggest frustrations in my 20s (after my breakup which affected me severely) was that I could NOT cry. In fact I would explain out loud, that it was like I had emotion stuck in me without being able to release.
Fast forward to now, I find myself with this hardness, unable to release a lot of emotion, feeling it often stuck inside, muscle tension, what have you. It is a coping mechanism I learned early on after my teens, to become hardened – instead of soft and crying/releasing.
Nowadays if I do cry, I feel IMMENSELY better – I look forward to it. I wish I cried more, I wish I released more..
April 8, 2019 at 10:41 am #288103AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
1. “I go to my cousins house the following weekend, I forget to tell my cousins about the mall trip because we are having fun outside playing… my mom says later: … a ‘roaring lion at home, but a scared lamb around others'”-
– the reason you didn’t tell your cousins about the mall was that you were having fun and you forgot your mother’s agenda, you were actually in your own here-and-now, having fun.
-the reason you didn’t tell your cousins was not, as your mother suggested, that you were scared, a scared lamb.
Your mother agenda in the mall and later, was not that her daughter will have fun. Her agenda was to show off to the people she was envious of, that she was having fun without them, that she didn’t need them to have fun!
You got distracted by having fun yourself, with your cousins, and forgot…. her agenda.
2. “Ever since I was a baby I cried all the time. My mom always says it and so does everyone”. Maybe you didn’t cry more than the average baby. You were your mother’s first baby and she didn’t like having a baby. She told others you cried a lot so that is why they said you did. This is a possibility. I don’t trust your mother’s accounts to be accurate, not even close.
This point is worth repeating, what your mother told you about you, I don’t trust it at all.
She had an agenda, to show others that she was having fun without them, those other people. She didn’t even see you, didn’t see who you were or what you were about.
anita
April 8, 2019 at 10:59 am #288105Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I got distracted by having fun myself – which was of no use to my mother, as my own fun does not enhance her agenda (of making herself look better)
I agree, I can not trust her representation of me. In addition to what you wrote about her telling others I cry a lot, she also did this to evoke sympathy.
“oh look how much she handled this young mother, with the cranky child that never leads her side”
they used to talk about how I used to cling to my mothers side, the joke was “she couldn’t even go to the bathroom without me following her in” this was said in good fun humor, but also according to my mom – in a way that emphasized she had no break, what a life, what a burden as a mother
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