Dear Anita,

I know one thing, India is happy. America is sad.

In India all the kids play outside, they have so much fun and love.  In America, everyone is sitting inside lonely.  No one cares and they are not loving.

India is happy. America is sad.

Dear Anita,

I feel calm this morning, and am proud of myself for cleaning my Saturday plans. I am allowing myself a day to just be. Hasn’t happened in a very long time here in NYC.

i read what you wrote and I am seeing this. That I rejected my soft feelings of sadness from early on. I don’t recall vividly the memory of being sad. But I of course became sad from time to time. I know that when this occurred (I know this as an adult) that if I was distressed then my mother would be distressed and she would blame me for hers.

I would like to continue the exercise some more if you would like to as well

Dear Anita,

Thought of something else after I submitted. Recently you asked me if I had renewed contact with my parents, you thought for a moment that perhaps my new distress, or increased thought patterns were because of a new contact. When you asked me that at first, I didn’t realize why, but I let it sink in, and it made sense. I mentioned to you that recently I feel like I am at a plateau of healing, there is the next step of the mountain or journey to climb, but I am slightly at a standstill, either not having courage to go to the next uphill section of the mountain, feeling that I don’t have the strength, wondering if it is worth it, not knowing how. Or on the other end not even realizing that there is that next portion.

What we spoke about just now, in my previous post and yours really sums it up for me. There is something missing, I have recently focused and equated this to being kind to my husband. And this is true and of utmost importance. I have felt recently in the last month or so or during the time that we made the plan of no attack, and that this will be very helpful, not just to be kinder to my husband, but for my healing. But something still felt that it was missing. And this is it: I was attempting to do all of this, be kinder be more patient be more calm, continue to heal, without accessing any softness. I was going along my normal way, with the hardness. Expecting to heal more or feel different, or even approach my life differently, including my husband. But it wasn’t working, it’s not working. It’s a pause. The softness is missing, the softness is buried, it will be a major feet and task to uncover that softness, yes. But that process has not even started, until our conversation today.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita;

I do know what you mean by the softness, in fact about two years ago when I first started speaking to you I did have a degree of softness, perhaps this was softness interlaced with blindness. But more softness nonetheless. I remember feeling quite bad for my mother, quite sad, feeling that her life and her circumstances were unfortunate, and of course it was my duty to alleviate her suffering as much as possible. As time went on the alleviation duty subsided as I realize this was an impossible goal. And with that said the softness, and someways I felt like I had to be angry and hate my mother to be able to move forward but in other ways I see how this led to a lack of softness overall. I can’t say I truly hate my mother right now, I honestly feel a little more and different than anything, hate is a strong term. I will say though that in general when I think about my mother or any people that are similar, narcissistic, selfish, not self-aware, using others to get ahead, stomping on people to feel better about their own self, I am filled with anger and frustration. Even one small thing is,, a fun being flaky, or some small circumstances that I have talk to you about hearing for over the last year, it’s never a place of softness he usually comes from a place of hardness.

At this exact moment my parents are out of the question, and renewing contact with him is not in the realm of options, not because I am not allowing it, but more because their existence no longer fully occurs to me. I think that your concern is valid, the concern that if softnesses front back, it will motivate recontact, it will motivate renewed relationships. But I do know in my heart that this is not the case. I know one thing for sure I have so much healing to do, I know that I still suffer day in and day out, but I also know that the journey and the healing path is relatively new. I don’t have any expectations outside what I am experiencing now, I am humbled by the journey.

I know I have to access softness. And I know it is not simply uncovering a blanket of hardness and finding soft. Just like that. Nope.

I know that simply non attack of my husband is not enough  – I know it is simply not enough and there is so much missing. True empathy love and softness is missing within me. I know it.

I’ve asked you in the past, I’ve asked you many things, but I remember asking you am I just like my mother, perhaps I am self-centered and selfish. Perhaps I am not capable of true love for another. We went back and forth about this for some time. And we concluded that what I am missing is that softness. It comes up there again.

The truth is that I am not worried about renewing contact with my parents.  It is not because I am aloof and unaware of the possibility  It is also not because I am naïve to what uncovering softness may lead to. It is because I know that this is the next step of my journey, not because I am hoping to conquer it as an achievement. It is because I know that it is necessary for my growth personally and as a wife. I will not survive the trips and tribulations of life if I lead with hardness. “Survival” living is not the goal. To sink and savor. To love and feel. Is the goal. I am so incredibly hardened that I may not even realize it. But I am slowly. Today. And I know that nothing will get in my way in the next step of my journey. I also know that I have love and empathy deep down inside. Even for my mother and slowly I, we will uncover it. For the greatness of all.

I would like to continue with our dialogue when you feel you would like as well

Dear Anita,

I am 5 years old and I am sitting on my porch (in reality I am sitting on my terrace savoring the spring day, haven’t had this much sun in a while)

Mom, it is so nice to sit outside in the sun.  I feel sad when it is not sunny.  In India it is always sunny I know, but not here.  Here everyone closes the door and sits inside all day by themselves.  They don’t want to be nice or include me.  No, that is sad.  It makes me sad.

Sometimes I go to play with my neighbors, they have lots of brothers and sisters, 5 or 6 i think.  Boys and girls.  2 of the girls are my age..  They are lucky that they can always play with each other.  I don’t have anyone to play with.  It makes me sad. My mom said it is sad that we have to be alone.  Other people always have each other.

When I went to my cousins christmas party, no one played with me.  It is because they have jealousy.  All of the kids play together and get gifts.  but not me.  I watched them from the stairs, and I know my mom was sad..  She said its okay if the adults are mean to her, but it is bad to be mean to a kid like me.  That is sad to be mean to a kid.  They are very bad and it makes me sad.

I don’t know why they are so bad to my mom.  She did not do anything wrong.  It is because of bad luck and jealousy.  Some people have that.  My mom has that. I have that. So we are sad.