fbpx
Menu

Self Trust

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Self Trust

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 946 through 960 (of 1,634 total)
1 2 3 … 63 64 65 … 107 108 109
  • Author
    Posts
  • March 26, 2019 at 10:11 am #286443
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I will reply to your post by parts – as a student.

    1) I am beginning to feel small inkling of true empathy for my husband. This may sound ridiculous to an outside person.  But to someone who has been numb, frenzied, and in many ways self-oriented on my own path, it makes sense.  Yesterday was in fact a night where I felt true empathy for him, the beginning of it.

    About my sister,

    you asked how does she help me? And I pondered it out loud (on paper to you), and I thought about how she is helpful – but in fact it is that she and I can relate, that we have a strong bond, and that we have fun together.  Especially now that I have worked on some of those boundaries.

    But the answer is NO she is not helpful.  It isn’t someone i need to harness immense empathy for (which I have my whole life )

    Instead, it is my husband I need to help, and harness empathy and “help” for.  I notice for so long how my mother and sister took his place in this.  It was like not being married at all – or being married to my mother/sister.

    So back to the justice…

    I am going to re-read the first part and think more while I await your reply.

     

    March 26, 2019 at 10:27 am #286453
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Before I submitted, I wanted to add:

    I thought about how empathy, justice, etc all require one thing – ATTENTION

    One can not have empathy for someone unless their attention is directed towards that human.  One  can not harness energy (frenzied energy) towards a person unless Attention is directed there.

    Perhaps it is not that different from a child with ADD/ADHD – that has to do ONE task at a time, as multi-tasking creates frenzy and distress – and low outcome/productivity.

    Perhaps I must see myself as such – someone who truly has to focus attention on one thing (person) at a time.  Perhaps Anita, for the time being, I need to see myself as an ADHD patient who needs to focus on treatment by harnessing energy onto one thing at a time.  One person.

    I will make a plan on how to approach this – with upcoming social events – as it is during this time that I think the balance is disrupted, and remains disrupted.  If I could stay in a cocoon, it would be much easier to work on being a patient and doing this “homework.”

    March 26, 2019 at 10:39 am #286457
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am glad you are beginning to experience the feeling of empathy for your  husband, excellent!

    “It was like.. being married to my mother/sister”- that is the loyalty issue. Need to switch your loyalty from your sister/ mother and their values- to your husband and the values that you choose!

    Healing, proceeding in the journey,  is about you determining the values that will guide you  in your  life, no longer following someone else’s values.

    And so you put your energy where you see value. Your mother’s value was the-people-over-there, the big family in Disney World, or the happy stranger walking by…and so, you proceeded to value the (almost) strangers moving to Florida, or the people walking by on that walk recently. Abandon her values and adopt your  own.

    Coming to think about it, your mother didn’t value anyone, not you, not your sister, not her husband, not the people here, there or anywhere.

    “we have a strong bond” you wrote regarding your sister. It is a sometimes-feeling bond.  I understand that, but it is based on her being in your life since you were so very young. It is an attachment to a person based on the attachment being made at a time when your brain was different than it is now, less formed. Based on the two  of you having been children. Things are different now.

    anita

     

    March 26, 2019 at 10:54 am #286463
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     Need to switch your loyalty from your sister/ mother and their values- to your husband and the values that you choose!

    Healing, proceeding in the journey,  is about you determining the values that will guide you  in your  life, no longer following someone else’s values.

    And so you put your energy where you see value. Your mother’s value was the-people-over-there, the big family in Disney World, or the happy stranger walking by…and so, you proceeded to value the (almost) strangers moving to Florida, or the people walking by on that walk recently. Abandon her values and adopt your  own.

    Perhaps Anita, I haven’t developed what I want my own values to be.

    Perhaps this is my homework…?

    March 26, 2019 at 12:29 pm #286477
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Homework then: with a “beginner’s mind”, seeing things as if from the beginning, learn what it is that you value.

    anita

    March 31, 2019 at 6:41 pm #287119
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I hope you had a great week. I took some time to reply to your last message as  wanted to work on my homework, the homework that was assigned. I wanted to take some time to think about it thoroughly and not just respond with the first things that come to mind. As value is beyond that.
    >In fact me even explaining this is quite telling- and ironically the basis of my entry today.  I thought about how I feel a lot of duty and responsibility to be very responsive, and often deep down inside my wishes have a lot to do with the fact that I wish I didn’t have such a tendency or underlying guilt to perform this way.  In fact just a second ago I wrote to you an explanation of why I took longer than my 1-2 days normally to respond to you, without you even asking. I explain to you why I took normal human brain power to think about a question you asked. Why did I feel the need to explain something like this, especially since you did not interrogate?

    I have done this often, not that it’s over explaining, but that monologue inside myself to have to explain why. Why. If At any given moment I am not performing to the extreme maximum that I “should be always performing. Whether that be at work or socially. I noticed that this is self-inflicted. I noticed that also sometimes when not realizing it is self-inflicted, the annoyance or frustration can be directed outwards being- annoyed at the other party, “gosh why do I always have to be so responsive to this person.” Well I don’t. Sure there are circumstances in which this is true, for example my mother. But that is not the reality of most people in life. Perhaps I am so programmed to have a knee-jerk over responsiveness because of course my mother trained me this way anything longer than a second to respond her wall was not even an option I wasn’t a responder I was actually an extension of her! Or so that was the role. most people are not bloodsucking for our time and energy, and if we give it away like that without then asking without a true need to… Well that is only a conversation we are having with our own self.  That is only something that I can redirect in my own self
    I talk and think a lot about ”needing to do” and  guilt, however I don’t believe guilt is the right term for me nor is it responsibility nor is it duty, its a combination of all of this, over doing perhaps.  which  you actually understand without me trying to explain it in a concise word or phrase.   Which is a breath of fresh air!

    I used to think that the concept of me putting this on myself was equal to self blaming. As in feeling that it was myself that was responsible for feeling guilty over these actions, because in reality there was no need for me to feel guilty it was self-inflicted. This felt like a self claim it felt like I was taking all of the responsibility and the outside world was taking none, and of course they should!

    I used to think that it was equal to self shaming, or taking too much responsibility and not giving any to others. I can see this perspective I can see how this concept may seem like we only have ourselves to blame and not others. But now I see it as something different.

    I now see it as that it’s not a blame game at all.

    I have been raised to always have everything be a blame game. I didn’t think about this prior to this moment  I didn’t think about this prior to this moment.

    Who’s fault is it? My mom would always say, always finding a fault in either herself or the other person.

    It was either do I hate myself for this or do I hate the other person?

    So from a young age I always look for fault, I always look for blame. I thought to myself is it me or is it her? Wow who is to blame, who should feel bad. Because of course  in any given situation someone must feel bad!

    Am I angry at myself for this or am I angry at the other person?

    Never was it, will that person was kind of annoying, but I also didn’t need to do XY or Z. Recognizing a molecule of flaw in the other party and also a molecule of flaw in yourself in that moment. It’s not inflicting for hatred on that person nor is it inflicting for hatred on yourself. It is not typecasting that person or their behavior as a certain thing nor is it on yourself. No one is to blame. Blame is not the goal, hate is not the goal<

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.
    April 1, 2019 at 6:33 am #287161
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “a blame game…Who’s fault is it?…do I hate myself for this or do I hate the other person?…who should feel bad… Am I angry at myself for this or am I angry at the other person?”

    “So from a young age I always look for fault, I always look for blame… in any given situation someone must feel bad!”.

    These are two options: to lose (to suffer now) or to win (to feel good now). A third option would have been: let’s understand the situation and make the reasonable change or changes that need to be made so that both parties win (to feel better long term).

    What you had at home was a choice between two options, not three. You were not even introduced to the third option. In your childhood home your mother was very motivated to win and she succeeded, a notorious winner.

    Stuck with only these two options, you are either suffering or you are inflicting suffering on someone else.

    “Blame is not the goal, hate is not the goal”- what is the goal then?

    anita

    April 1, 2019 at 7:39 am #287167
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Absolutely right,  I was not even introduced to three, I did not realize it existed, nor did I believe it (lets say last year as an adult) would be a feasible option. An “allowed” one.

    It is exactly this, suffering, or inflicting.  It had to be this way – this was “resolution.”

    Without realizing my “resolving” and coping mechanism had to do with coming to either one of these 2 choices.

    so to answer your question, blame is not the goal – the goal is the following, I’ll give you an anecdote from my weekend:

    I had a friend visiting from LA, he is a good friend from my training, and we are all apart of a larger group of friends from this time.  However, he and I have remained close over the years since, in a more personal way.  He often comes to me with advice, given that he is in his mid 30s, but quite a “late bloomer.” He is just beginning to date and explore parts of life that many of us started in college, and thus, he is in a different mental place than most of our group.

    Anyway, he stayed over Thursday evening, my husband has also become friends with him.  I went off to work Friday and we all convened Friday night, a large group dinner and hangout.

    Saturday morning I was very tired, I felt cranky, irritable, etc.  I thought about how my friend is childish.  He is akin to a 12 year old who shows up, stays over, leaves a mess and is off on his day.  You can’t blame the child, because you say he is a child, he doesn’t know better – but an adult? I started to think about this, and the more I thought the more I got agitated.  My goal of this anecdote isn’t to explain his behavior or exactly why – it is the following:

    I wanted to blame him…but then I thought about it – I blamed myself.  CC you knew you may get annoyed, you didn’t have to be so involved.  Why did you sign up for that.

    Then I took a moment, I thought to myself, blame him: annoying immature.  blame me: foolish, over-extender.

    Neither is fact, neither is 100% true or relevant.  So before I wrote this passage to you I thought about the goal – the goal is to decrease suffering, to come to a conclusion that does not promote blame or hatred, but sees the situation for what it really is.  It is not the goal to find the “winner” the blame carrier.  There is no productivity in this, there is no learning, there is no growth, it is wasted suffering.

    So I analyzed again.  I said,  he has some qualities that irk me, and I am sure I have qualities that irk him.  We are different people – we do not have to be the same.  We enjoy each others friendship, and that is fine.  It doesn’t have to be one extreme or another, love everything about someone or hate everything about them.  I don’t have to hate the evening we had, I don’t have to hate myself for attending our outing.  Did I have fun? Yes. So what is the problem.

    See people for what they are, take ownership of what your expectations are, and where the person stands in reality.  Blaming them, causes suffering for me.  Blaming me, causes suffering for me.

    You said to me a short while back, it is important for me to be a good person to my husband, not just for him, but for myself.

    I asked why?

    You answered, because in order for me to heal, I must believe I am a good person.

    Similar, I must not create negativity – by blaming/hating the other person or myself.  There is no use in this, there is no gain from it.

     

    So the goal is, option 3, reasonable analysis of the reality of the situation, and a reasonable view of yourself and the other party. It is maintaining myself as a good, calm person.  Not a hateful one.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.
    April 1, 2019 at 8:14 am #287177
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “reasonable analysis of the reality of the situation, and a reasonable view of yourself and the other party. It is maintaining myself as a good, calm person. Not a hateful one”- yes. I would add in regard to your example, the friend who visited you and “who shows up, stays over, leaves a mess and is off on his day”, that you tell him to clean up his mess before he leaves (in a future visit), tell him that you need him to do this and that (collect bedsheets, for example, and place them in the washing machine).

    Instructing him to become a considerate, responsible guest will be one of the changes that can be done in the win-win context- it will make you feel better and it will make him feel better to have the opportunity to become a better person/ guest.

    anita

    April 1, 2019 at 8:21 am #287179
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree with you, I always instruct, and voice my concerns – but for sake of this conversation – it didn’t change the outcome of where my mind went – nor does it ever.  I have done this my whole life. My issue has never been not instructing,explaining, voicing concerns.  I hardly ever keep things in so to speak.  But this doesn’t “make me feel better”

    Why? Because the root of the issue is the blame game, self hatred, self blame, or projecting negativity onto others.

    The reality of the issue is not instruction, and opportunity – it is the blame game.  Whether I instructed him or not, did not take away from my innate knee jerk to blame/”hatred” towards him – and then blame/”hatred” towards myself.

     

    April 1, 2019 at 8:32 am #287181
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wanted to add, as much as I do understand the win-win you refer to in your post – it is this exact thing that has also led me to distress.

    I used this a lot with my sister, my whole life.  I used it some with other friends, here and there, old roommates for example.

    Of course it is healthy communication between say a husband and wife.

    But what has helped me more, is seeing people for who they are.  For example, my sister received a gift from my in laws, and made a strange comment (oh this purse doesn’t fit my style – remember that during Xmas).  I innately wanted to instruct her that this was an inappropriate comment, etc.  But I didn’t.  and  I saved SO SO much energy. I was glad, still am.

    So I think it depends.  In a healthy win-win relationship, whether it is a colleague, or husband, whether it is an acquaintance or a close person – being open and instructing does help the win-win.

    But with those people, who you know are quite different than yourself, in the way they process things, emotional intelligence etc, it has been quite helpful for me to accept and understand this before jumping to blame one way or the other.  In these scenarios – I hope this will remain my win-win.

    April 1, 2019 at 8:33 am #287183
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I see. Your focus is the blame game, that “innate knee jerk to blame/’hatred’ towards him- and then blame/’hatred’ towards myself”, the root of the issue. Therefore it is about exiting his game, to do neither one of these two opposites.

    anita

    April 1, 2019 at 8:43 am #287185
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I responded again perhaps before or after your post.  Yes, you are right. Exiting the blame game, the game with no useful outcome.

    how are you? how is your leg?

    I thought about what I value a lot all weekend.   I will brainstorm more here, today.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.
    April 1, 2019 at 9:41 am #287191
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Double posting, yes. Regarding my previous suggestion t instruct the inconsiderate guest, the aim was to have a neater home once he leaves, not the mess that he left, it is your right to do  that, as his host. It is a good idea to do so.

    This is not about instructing people how to live their lives. It is about instructing a person how to leave your home following having had the privilege to be a guest in your home.

    Did I just clarify something relevant here (I am not very focused this morning)?

    My leg is fine, thank you.

    anita

    April 1, 2019 at 9:44 am #287193
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes you did, wow what a concept.

    Taking ownership on how people should leave my home.

    It IS a privilege for that person to have been a guest, and so it is my right to do so.

    wow! very relevant.

    people are so used to tiptoeing around one another, especially with the sensitive types, that we often forget it is our right in certain scenarios to explain what is appropriate.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 15 posts - 946 through 960 (of 1,634 total)
1 2 3 … 63 64 65 … 107 108 109

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.