Dear Anita,

Just in a few days of taking our words to heart and letting it sink in, I feel a slight shift. As always I am thankful and grateful for any progress knowing that some maybe temporary and some may not.

I admire your follow up post to the one above – where you added your win win statement. Yes if its a win win. So often with diplomacy, brushing the surface, and not being held accountable (all common themes in today’s society) people don’t fully come out and say the truth.

So often people say – keep in touch knowing very well they won’t and don’t even want to. So often people say sure to a plan they know they will cancel on soon enough. So often people say catch up soon, knowing that they won’t put any effort in on their end.
I dont hate these people, or concepts – or feel as bad about them anymore – for I know they can affect me only to the extent I let them.

Back to you. Thank you for coming back and adding that portion. It taught me something. I am allowed to say – sorry this communication/relationship is no longer serving me. As you know I ruminate over past friendships that have ended, or feel instantly that I have to do “my part” and keep trying to make sure things can work. This goes back to the job I was given by my mom. Your comment was so simple and true – yes you (or a person) will continue communication with the opposite party so long as both parties benefit and have mutual respect. You give yourself permission to exit gracefully If this is not The case.

Beautiful – I love it.

The second part of my post today involves observations during my weekend. We are away on travel interviewing for jobs. I am in a location that is very different than what I am used to–, and to think wow we may live here is both exciting and overwhelming.

My first instinct and default whenever I go anywhere – such as this would have been – am I going to be lonely here? This is the case If I have to imagine myself living there – I think of all the good things then instantly go towards that question of lonely? The mother voice is always external – saying look it looks desolate, looks sad and depressing, maybe it’s lonely here –oh no. Perhaps it seems fun for a while, but maybe not friendly long term. These are always her comments.

Well this though just hit me this morning. All weekend it did not cross my mind. Sure I am in a major America city that is very lively – but that’s not the point. I realize that I no longer believe this. Being lonely is not a function of your surroundings. It is a function of yourself. Sure there is influences from external, but having lived in Manhattan for many years I know, that the external world is just that. External. You can live in Nyc and be content as be, or sad and lonely stuck in a traffic jam of thousands of people. That is all dependent on your mental state (of course it’s not exactly that simple).

Yes there are locations that we feel happier in than not. Yes there are locations and cultures that suit us better than others. Sure.

But what my mother did was not this. She made it a point to always point bad about anything she didn’t appreciate or understand. And seeing now that was everything – given that she speaks untruths, she knows nothing.

I am happy that I did not look at this new city and think wait will I be lonely here. Because I know I am on my journey. On days I suffer I may feel lonely, that may be on top of a mountain or in the middle of Times Square. I’ve lived enough different phases by now in different cities and all to know that here I am. I am here writing on tiny Buddha and despite all my surroundings I am just starting to see the truth. That is what its about. I see that my mother was never aware, intelligent, or strong enough to look within. It is much easier to say oh that neighborhood is negative so I feel negative. Oh that state is dull, so I feel dull. It is much more difficult to say, I am struggling from within so I paint a negative or dull picture of anyone or anything.

This has been eye opening to me this morning. I see so many times I wanted to point the finger at a place or a person, to think this is causing me distress and more often than not it was my internal struggle that was rearing its head. This allows me to realize there is more control of one self. Life isn’t just a series of things that happen to you as my mother made us think. We do have control on how we accept them, deal with them, and process them.

The ability to make the most of a situation is within me- but I never allowed that or Gave it power, for I always thought it was out of my control. Of course I did: something happy could be instantly negative (such as Disney world example). Someone great can be instantly bad and not good for us (example of how she was convinced my husband’s family was evil one day and not the other).

These are untruths. We have more power to enjoy, to be optimistic, to not focus on what isn’t ideal. If we ALLOW ourselves. If we become unstuck.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Except that she never pointed to her daughters being sad. Didn’t see, doesn’t see or doesn’t care.

What a concept! Someone who is so quick to judge and point out – oh the dog looks sad- that neighborhood looks sad- that person looks sad- NEVER saw her own daughters being sad. In fact last year when I was in India I was struggling in front of their eyes- and all they would do is talk about how much injustice they’ve dealt with.

Today I got numerous texts from My father. (my husband and I both receiving them simultaneously). They were those screenshots of quotes that some people send around. Some of which say are on a site such as tiny Buddha. One he sent was : happiness is from within not from the outside.

Now why in the world are you sending this to us both at 10 AM on a Sunday. Because you’re sensing some distance – and want to push push. You know no boundaries. No respect. You had children so they could be indebted to you for life. You didn’t think ever what you were imprinted in their brains. By nature of providing them food and basic support you’re a good parents.  Now they owe you their energy and souls.

I didn’t see before that this is untrue. That humans have rights and culture or not, Indian or not, this is unjust. You can send me quotes for days sure. But do you think after a year of torturing us. Calling my husband and his family and cursing at them. Calling me and telling me my dad is having chest pain just to provoke me when it wasn’t even true. (mind you my father is a medical doctor with a true history of heart disease) so this is not taken lightly. You think that sending me some silly quotes, or in fact Bo Harding our text message inboxes with such, today will make all that is erased? Well I don’t see myself as one to hold grudges. But those are not grudge s – those are your true character. You showed it and I saw the truth. I will never unsee it and now I see more and more each day.

Dear Anita, here is a good example I had to run out of work a little quickly today because I have a phone call meeting in about 15 minutes. I ran across a colleague before I left and she started talking about something so I stated very nicely sorry I have to run but let’s catch up later. Getting into the car I felt bad I felt like -oh was I rude, was I kind of abrupt cut her off? But then I start to think that all I was saying is that I didn’t have the time right now and it wasn’t necessarily anything mean. I notice myself having excessive thoughts about these things instead of just being able to rely on my own inner self.  I notice that I will feel guilty about something like that so quickly and sometimes even for a long time which I know is something that I need to work on, I’m looking to find the first steps towards that.