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- This topic has 1,633 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
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January 24, 2018 at 6:30 am #188533Cali ChicaParticipant
“You, Cali Chica are reading my words: attend to your well being, be it your number one priority. It is your first responsibility, it is what is right and just. It is not right for you to continue to sacrifice your well being for anyone.”
Thank you Anita – and I do hope to have you remind me this throughout my journey, I sure will need it.
Today, as you know, that doesn’t sink in fully – I can not force it to as it will take time sink in given that after 30 some years I am just starting to “see the light.”
Regardless – I will do a practice, in what ways will I make ME my number one priority right now?
-I will not answer the phone unless I have the time and energy ( this includes everyone outside my parents too)
-I will not feel the need to always have to explain myself if I have to say no to something, if I have limited time, or I do not want to engage socially. my first responsibillity is me
-I will not let anyone guilt trip me, some people may be feeling down and insecure/caught off guard by me not being “always there” – they may even say things like “oh haven’t heard from you — oh where you been” – this is not a direct attack on me. I too am allowed space, just like everyone. I allow myself permission to take time and mental space for me to heal. If this catches people off guard so be it – good people will always understand, and my priority is me not them.
-I will not live a life of shoulds. I don’t have to always be doing something, talking to someone, helping someone, or being engaged period. I should do nothing more than what i need to do for my own mental peace and sanity, that’s it. That can mean whatever it does during that moment.
-I will not look at the way others treat me as a reflection of myself. I know my anxiety creeps into lesser things such as friendships and all when it is not focused on parents. If someone at work, or in personal life is not acting in a manner that I expect or is “acceptable” that is on them. I do not need to internalize all that is around me. every battle out there is not mine to fight. i have enough on my plate and my priority in my heart right now is healing, listening to myself, and allowing mental space. my JOB is not to be “mrs. always in touch – mrs. always responsive – mrs. can do it all”
my mother gave me these jobs because she could not do them herself. well i resign.
January 24, 2018 at 7:36 am #188549AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I like your victories, from your first recent post and your resolutions in the second post.
So much intelligence, insight, beauty in you. I do wish you well, healing, so that you can live a good life. To think that a woman like you will continue to suffer and then pass on the suffering to her own children, it is such a shame, a great shame. And for what purpose.
We operate based on Core Beliefs. What we believe is thoughts glued with emotion in multiple neuropathways. A person cannot undo a pathway by mere thinking a different thought. Emotion has to be involved. This is why it takes so much time. With time of growing awareness and learning, you insert new thoughts and emotion into existing neuropathways, and over time you believe differently.
It is about growing to believe what is true, not what is convenient to believe at any one time, not what others tell us we should believe. It is about believing what is true in reality.
When a child grows up with a mother who is lacking empathy for the child (my case and yours), what happens is that the child overreaches to the parent, trying to get there, trying to get that empathy. A mathematic simplification: if the mother expresses 5% empathy for the child, the child will fill in the void and experience the missing 95%.
So you call your mother evil and a monster, having used th0se words, but those neuropathways do not allow you to hold on to that view of her. In multiple pathways you see her as a suffering little girl.
She was at one time a suffering little girl. But you never met that girl.
You were the suffering little girl in the relationship with her, but you see her as the suffering little girl. This is the overreaching, the filling of the Empathy Gap.
Yes, it will take time and I am here for you, for as long as you need me to be here, for as long as I am able to be here.
anita
January 24, 2018 at 8:38 am #188569AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I take my word, my promises very seriously, and so, I have to correct what I wrote to you last, less than an hour ago (still in that time I allow myself to correct, it being only an hour ago…):
No I will not be here for you for as long as you need me to be here. I will be here for as long as our interaction is a Win-Win interaction: Win for me. And best I know, a Win for you.
I am here to learn and heal, same that I suggest you do. For as long as our interaction promotes my learning and healing, I will be here for you.
anita
January 28, 2018 at 8:16 am #189433Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Just in a few days of taking our words to heart and letting it sink in, I feel a slight shift. As always I am thankful and grateful for any progress knowing that some maybe temporary and some may not.
I admire your follow up post to the one above – where you added your win win statement. Yes if its a win win. So often with diplomacy, brushing the surface, and not being held accountable (all common themes in today’s society) people don’t fully come out and say the truth.
So often people say – keep in touch knowing very well they won’t and don’t even want to. So often people say sure to a plan they know they will cancel on soon enough. So often people say catch up soon, knowing that they won’t put any effort in on their end.
I dont hate these people, or concepts – or feel as bad about them anymore – for I know they can affect me only to the extent I let them.Back to you. Thank you for coming back and adding that portion. It taught me something. I am allowed to say – sorry this communication/relationship is no longer serving me. As you know I ruminate over past friendships that have ended, or feel instantly that I have to do “my part” and keep trying to make sure things can work. This goes back to the job I was given by my mom. Your comment was so simple and true – yes you (or a person) will continue communication with the opposite party so long as both parties benefit and have mutual respect. You give yourself permission to exit gracefully If this is not The case.
Beautiful – I love it.
The second part of my post today involves observations during my weekend. We are away on travel interviewing for jobs. I am in a location that is very different than what I am used to–, and to think wow we may live here is both exciting and overwhelming.
My first instinct and default whenever I go anywhere – such as this would have been – am I going to be lonely here? This is the case If I have to imagine myself living there – I think of all the good things then instantly go towards that question of lonely? The mother voice is always external – saying look it looks desolate, looks sad and depressing, maybe it’s lonely here –oh no. Perhaps it seems fun for a while, but maybe not friendly long term. These are always her comments.
Well this though just hit me this morning. All weekend it did not cross my mind. Sure I am in a major America city that is very lively – but that’s not the point. I realize that I no longer believe this. Being lonely is not a function of your surroundings. It is a function of yourself. Sure there is influences from external, but having lived in Manhattan for many years I know, that the external world is just that. External. You can live in Nyc and be content as be, or sad and lonely stuck in a traffic jam of thousands of people. That is all dependent on your mental state (of course it’s not exactly that simple).
Yes there are locations that we feel happier in than not. Yes there are locations and cultures that suit us better than others. Sure.
But what my mother did was not this. She made it a point to always point bad about anything she didn’t appreciate or understand. And seeing now that was everything – given that she speaks untruths, she knows nothing.
I am happy that I did not look at this new city and think wait will I be lonely here. Because I know I am on my journey. On days I suffer I may feel lonely, that may be on top of a mountain or in the middle of Times Square. I’ve lived enough different phases by now in different cities and all to know that here I am. I am here writing on tiny Buddha and despite all my surroundings I am just starting to see the truth. That is what its about. I see that my mother was never aware, intelligent, or strong enough to look within. It is much easier to say oh that neighborhood is negative so I feel negative. Oh that state is dull, so I feel dull. It is much more difficult to say, I am struggling from within so I paint a negative or dull picture of anyone or anything.
This has been eye opening to me this morning. I see so many times I wanted to point the finger at a place or a person, to think this is causing me distress and more often than not it was my internal struggle that was rearing its head. This allows me to realize there is more control of one self. Life isn’t just a series of things that happen to you as my mother made us think. We do have control on how we accept them, deal with them, and process them.
The ability to make the most of a situation is within me- but I never allowed that or Gave it power, for I always thought it was out of my control. Of course I did: something happy could be instantly negative (such as Disney world example). Someone great can be instantly bad and not good for us (example of how she was convinced my husband’s family was evil one day and not the other).
These are untruths. We have more power to enjoy, to be optimistic, to not focus on what isn’t ideal. If we ALLOW ourselves. If we become unstuck.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
January 28, 2018 at 9:10 am #189453AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
People say things. How little effort it takes to utter a word, a sentence, such as “catch up with you soon”- easy. Done in way less than a minute, makes a person feels good, having socially lubricated the moment well, slide to the next moment. There are so many things people say just so to move on nicely through this moment to the next, what was said forgotten. Never meant to be remembered by the one initiating these non tangible utterances, utterances long gone following the few seconds of utterance.
Figure out a person’s motivation and you will know what meaning to give what they say. At times people say things when emotional, not considering the long term requirement of following through and how circumstances can change, making such follow through unwise.
I see a lot of commonality between your mother and mine. They both are extreme, very persistent in their expressions of distorted thinking and false believing, very rigid, extreme and consistent. So much so that it is impossible to live a reasonably good life, or even a tolerable life, following their thoughts and beliefs. Simply impossible.
If you look at your sister’s description of a very recent communication she had with your mother, a recent video chat, she showed your parents her puppy and your mother said something like: look how sad he looks in the back. How relentless she is at pointing out the sad part of a scenario.
Except that she never pointed to her daughters being sad. Didn’t see, doesn’t see or doesn’t care.
You wrote: “I see that my mother was never aware, intelligent, or strong enough to look within…life isn’t just a series of things that happen to you as my mother made us think. We do have control on how we accept them, deal with them, and process them”
Again, such a striking similarity to my mother: “Something happy could be instantly negative.. Someone great can be instantly bad and not good for us”- my mother repeatedly and strikingly changed her view of the external to fit her erratic mind, to accommodate her changing feelings. The reason for her changing feelings, in her mind, was indeed persistently external.
It is easy and would be easy for me to excuse my mother for her ignorance, for her lack of awareness, intelligence and strength (the three things you listed), if only she loved me.
I mentioned beauty in my last post to you, your beauty. I see it, in your writing, in your thoughts, your feelings, your honesty, your quest for the truth.
anita
January 28, 2018 at 3:33 pm #189505Cali ChicaParticipantExcept that she never pointed to her daughters being sad. Didn’t see, doesn’t see or doesn’t care.
What a concept! Someone who is so quick to judge and point out – oh the dog looks sad- that neighborhood looks sad- that person looks sad- NEVER saw her own daughters being sad. In fact last year when I was in India I was struggling in front of their eyes- and all they would do is talk about how much injustice they’ve dealt with.
Today I got numerous texts from My father. (my husband and I both receiving them simultaneously). They were those screenshots of quotes that some people send around. Some of which say are on a site such as tiny Buddha. One he sent was : happiness is from within not from the outside.
Now why in the world are you sending this to us both at 10 AM on a Sunday. Because you’re sensing some distance – and want to push push. You know no boundaries. No respect. You had children so they could be indebted to you for life. You didn’t think ever what you were imprinted in their brains. By nature of providing them food and basic support you’re a good parents. Now they owe you their energy and souls.
I didn’t see before that this is untrue. That humans have rights and culture or not, Indian or not, this is unjust. You can send me quotes for days sure. But do you think after a year of torturing us. Calling my husband and his family and cursing at them. Calling me and telling me my dad is having chest pain just to provoke me when it wasn’t even true. (mind you my father is a medical doctor with a true history of heart disease) so this is not taken lightly. You think that sending me some silly quotes, or in fact Bo Harding our text message inboxes with such, today will make all that is erased? Well I don’t see myself as one to hold grudges. But those are not grudge s – those are your true character. You showed it and I saw the truth. I will never unsee it and now I see more and more each day.
January 28, 2018 at 4:33 pm #189507Cali ChicaParticipantBombarding * our inboxes.
Typing this out made me see how much sheer “text message” abuse I have endured over the last year. Just that in itself.
About a year ago my mother sent me, via 3 different types of text message modalities – a screenshot about how: a mother’s bond with her daughter is never broken, but if she marries a narcissist he will ruin all. She “cyber-bullied” me with this for hours. Sending it over and over.
Then shortly after from my father : a screen shot of how: “parents should not care for their children as they only turn their backs on them” this was sent not only to me but my sister as well. Where they find the things who knows. But to nonchalantly send them and then say call us a say later and act like nothing happened?! Upon me timing it my mother acted dumb and said: downtimes when you’re mad people do things, what you’re perfrct, what about all the wrong time done? And then proceeds to make this conversation of course about how I’ve done wrong shining light away from them.
So now on a Sunday when we are on the other side of the country and I see 5 unread messages of : puppies saying good morning , happy messages, random quotes. I see this as desperation and harassment. I see this as having no respect and doing anything and everything to get attention, being shameless and relentless in your pursuits whether they’re “happy and positive” or negative and abusive depending on (like you said) their mental state. Often which is only based on external affairs.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
January 29, 2018 at 9:15 am #189611AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Seeing more and more of the truth is the way to heal, and you are seeing more and more. It is progress, to align our thinking and our believing with reality. Progress for your own mental health, for the health of your interactions with your husband, and most important, your input into your future children’s minds and lives, if you do become a mother, that is.
You wrote: “You had children so they could be indebted to you for life.. By nature of providing them food and basic support… Now they owe you their energy and souls”-
Yes this is the common thinking, the .. tradition. At one time it was legal and acceptable for parents to kill their children if that was convenient for them. Now it is illegal. But it is legal to … kill their spirits.
The belief of many parents is: these are our children, we do with them and to them what we please. We have that right. We feed them, we clothe them, without us they wouldn’t be here. So they owe us their lives and we do with their lives whatever we please.
Lots of adult children accommodate this belief and practice of their parents for the rest of the lives, doing the same to their own children, and so it goes.
In nature, by the way, this does not happen. It happens exclusively in human society.
anita
January 31, 2018 at 9:01 am #189915Cali ChicaParticipantHello Anita,
yes i like that you differentiate the difference between living versus living with spirit.
Youre right – I have been seeing the truth recently. It has been blaring in my face. I’m sure for a long time but I am picking up on it now.
One thing I am working on this week and forward are boundaries. These are personal boundaries even amidst conversing with others, helping others, etc. Of course there is toxic people and conversations that one should cut out the best they can. But this is more regarding the people you do want in your life. It is more about me- that if I’m talking to someone about even something fun, that I don’t have to absorb the energy from the party. It’s also about how I don’t have to live with so many shoulds. I see that I feel I never do enough. If I called someone toake sure they’re okay I think okay what do I do Next. I can not sit with being content in giving just a little sometimes. This comes from the mother voice from whom nothing is ever enough. You give her an inch she wants a mile. I have to remember that just since I’m programmed that way – I don’t need to perform or react that way with others. In fact – it’s been exhausting and draining. I have recently taken a step back in exerting efforts with many friendships, as I needed personal space to heal as you know – I have found that it has been much lighter when I don’t wake up with the feeling of needing to check in with so many people. I then check in with myself more. I do wonder though how others can do this so naturally whereas for me it is conscious and deliberate. I do know it’s because of the way I’m wired and that I feel it is my job to be constantly social and available.
January 31, 2018 at 9:30 am #189921AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Most of how we behave is automatic, a result of having been programmed this way or that way. When you see a people who “do this so naturally” – unless they healed or consciously changed their behaviors, practiced a new behavior in a “conscious and deliberate” way again and again throughout long enough time- they behave certain ways naturally simply because their programming makes it so. We, humans, are very much programmed, no less than other animals.
Unlike other animals a child can go to school and learn things the parent doesn’t know, learn skills in a class, get a degree in a university but when it comes to what matters to one’s well being, these are programmed early. Some people are luckier than others, that is all.
anita
January 31, 2018 at 9:56 am #189931Cali ChicaParticipantHello Anita, I like that you point out well-being. I think that that was what was floating around in my head without me actually being able to pinpoint the word. All of this is not necessarily specifically about a certain person a certain conversation or even boundaries it is more about maintaining my well-being in whatever way I need to and that may be different depending on the day. My recent focus is now maintaining that even in situations that are positive. I have had some progress when dealing with toxic people or toxic conversations, and I know that will be an ongoing journey. More recently however has been interactions with people that I enjoy, people choose to talk to, friends etc. even though conversations may be happy, or normal I sometimes do sense some guilt and anxiety. I know that of course that if I am burdened with that throughout my entire life is not going to immediately stop if you’re talking to a person about something fun and simple. However I do want to learn how to remind myself not to feel the need to “over-do” it. That doing what my energy allows is enough. what are some ways I can help myself do that? (Your thoughts)
January 31, 2018 at 10:12 am #189933AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
You wrote that you “want to learn how to remind (yourself) not to feel the need to ‘over-do’ it… what are some ways I can help myself do that?”-
I know of only one way, and that is to notice when you “sense some guilt and anxiety” and then remind yourself to not over-do it. Remind yourself not to not feel the need to overdo it, but to not do the behavior that follows this feeling, this motivation.
It is an exhausting practice. It is exhausting to interrupt a habit like this, again and again and yet again. Isn’t it?
anita
January 31, 2018 at 10:55 am #189939Cali ChicaParticipantYes! And thus brings me back about your post about not reacting to distress with a compulsion to immediately relieve it. Like the Juliana example. Feeling inner voice saying “must invite others” and immediately acting on it to quiet the voice without taking a moment to check in with myself
January 31, 2018 at 12:52 pm #189947Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita, here is a good example I had to run out of work a little quickly today because I have a phone call meeting in about 15 minutes. I ran across a colleague before I left and she started talking about something so I stated very nicely sorry I have to run but let’s catch up later. Getting into the car I felt bad I felt like -oh was I rude, was I kind of abrupt cut her off? But then I start to think that all I was saying is that I didn’t have the time right now and it wasn’t necessarily anything mean. I notice myself having excessive thoughts about these things instead of just being able to rely on my own inner self. I notice that I will feel guilty about something like that so quickly and sometimes even for a long time which I know is something that I need to work on, I’m looking to find the first steps towards that.
February 1, 2018 at 4:11 am #190023AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
It is an exhausting practice, a full time job, really, to practice this kind of mindfulness, of paying attention to what we think and feel and then talking sense to ourselves. I experienced this as a full time job, kept me very busy. I am used to it at this point, it is becoming a habit in itself, that of being mindful, and so it is easier.
You told the co worker that you have to run and “let’s catch up later”. In reality you were assertive and kind. In reality you were not rude at all, not in any way or to any degree.
But you felt guilty, as if you were rude, as if you did something wrong.
Notice the feeling is very convincing, it makes the thinking (I was rude) feel as if it was true to reality and so, that feeling is powerful. This feeling makes the thought a belief. We believe because we feel a thought is true to reality.
Understanding the birth of our core beliefs and their maintenance through childhood, through our formative years (when these core beliefs are formed) is necessary… I believe.
By the way, previous to this post, I posted on your sister’s thread, addressed that post to her and to you.
anita
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