Dear Anita,

I thought a lot about this weekend, what we spoke about. When we harm others, we also harm ourselves.

This is new to me, this way of thinking.

I was conditioned to think about how others acted and treated each other.  Often, when others were shameless and rude, it would make me angry and think – well gosh how do they get away with that and sleep at night! or feel slighted, feeling that even if I do good, these “evil” people continue to do bad – unfair.

Your perspective, and comment allows me to see it in a different light.

Doing harm to others, being unkind, rude, etc – it isn’t just about the other person.  No it is not.  It isn’t just about how others are affected.

Acting this way, inherently affects me – when I am unkind, I also harm myself.  It doesn’t just feel “not right” it can also have long term effects.  Harboring this sort of feeling can lead me to have outbursts to other people like my husband, and impede my healing path.

Therefore, being good benefits all.

Dear Anita,

I wanted to comment on your last post from Friday. I thought about number 2 a lot, and realized I never mentioned it to you.

you wrote:

.. by not attacking him, by providing him with safety in the relationship with him. This will decrease the statistical chances that he will get sick or will suffer accidents, get disabled or lose his life altogether as a result of elevated anxiety-

My husband, in the beginning of when he first started feeling really overwhelmed, anxious, etc from my and my family’s treatment of him – used to mention this.  He used to say that he’s worried about getting into an accident, or making an error at work, because he can’t think straight or sleep.

How terrible Anita.  How terrible ESPECIALLY because this is for NO reason.  No true reason.  No real reason except cruelty and poor treatment of another.  Not because there was a death in the family, not because he has a physical reason to feel this way.  Just terrible.

There is no excuse for this, absolutely none.

Life is too precious to waste on insanity and dysfunction.

Dear Anita,

Yes, i better choose. The choice is mine.

It may not feel that way often, because we get swayed and directed by the exterior.  Pulled in so many directions.  We often lose sight that we are in fact in control.

In fact this happened to me yesterday. My husband and I came home from yoga (he came with me which was nice).  I instantly felt that I needed to tend to many matters (all of which were social).  In robot mode I couldn’t “see” the difference between a “need to do” that was voluntary versus involuntary.

For a moment there it felt that I was burdened with so many tasks – as thought they were not a choice.  But if  I took a second, all of these “tasks” were voluntary, non urgent, non-priority situations, (such as planning the trip to visit my friends baby, making the reservation to meet my cousin, etc).

I have gotten so used to stress and drama, that if I do not take a fine look at what is going on – I can easily form any situation into such.

Whether it be rushing to work, or rushing to a social gathering – the feeling can be the same.

That’s when you know there is a problem.  When there is difficulty differentiating  – when it becomes tough to see when I have a choice in the matter.

Am I CHOOSING to be stressed right now? Am I?

Dear Anita,

You are right.

This weekend I enjoyed my time with my husband, we spent time with a variety of different people, friends, family, etc.  Many people were in town (which often happens in NYC).

This time around however, unlike before,  I was able to keep my eye on the priority.  Prior, I would lose myself in the group.  In the sense that my husband would not be the forefront of my mind, when in a large group, or perhaps pulled in different directions.  Moreover, I would not see spending time with a large group as also an opportunity for quality time with my husband.  But it can be, if my mind is prioritized on us.  In a  way, it is like this – eye on the prize.

Dear Anita,

He has always ALWAYS treated me like a prize, perhaps its time I do the same…

Dear Anita,

You are right. Now.

And then on 2/13/2020 I can celebrate a year of non-attacking and treating him like a prize (that he is).

Dear Anita,

Its been a long time since we last spoke.  There has been a few occurrences since then – first of which, my friend from medical school passed away.  It was tragic and sudden, and a true shame.  I feel for his young wife and son. Without going into too much detail about the death etc,  I do want to write – now – what I observed of my own self.

I notice, that about 2 years ago, I mentioned to you that it was hard for me to feel true emotion.  At this time we did talk about joy.  I think about joy a lot, and it is in my opinion, that joy and such true positive feelings are the hardest to conquer – after being numb.

Yet, “feeling” takes time and it is in a stepwise fashion.  I truly did feel for my friend, and his wife.  Of course grieving in this form is quite different than your everyday emotions.  But, what I noticed is that my feelings were not clouded.  I was able to be present – sad, disturbed, angry.  I noticed how if my mother was in the picture, the whole story would go another direction – how terrible she would say, how sad for him, look at all these evil people running around everywhere just fine, and poor him.  so and so did this and that daily and still alive, look at this persons bad luck.

the entire thing would be about OTHERS. And I notice – that when we are so so caught up in OTHERS we never process what is going on in our own self and own lives.  It is asking – what is TRULY happening to ME. no, not to her or her, or him, but to ME.

I will make it a point to ask myself this more often—hopefully regularly.

Dear Anita,

we answer her and defend ourselves against her and try to protect and assert ourselves against her.

I would like to get back to this

Thank you for reminding me of this anniversary.  It has been going very well, mostly because of exactly what you just stated.  The here and now.

I observed this weekend, the idea of having free time to enjoy someone (my husband) but seeing where my thoughts go – to others..naturally

“oh what is this person doing, did I reply to that person, oh should I make plans with this person…”

I noticed all of my “distractions” away from my husband were not problem oriented – they were OTHER oriented.

The thesis of this would be this: Cali Chica is responsible for spending time with others, it is her duty to be occupied at all times.

The way I counter-acted it was to ask myself, what was going on with me? I asked myself and my answer was the following:

I feel guilty relaxing and spending a day of quality time with my husband WITHOUT worrying about anyone else.

anyone else – that’s the thing – well who are these “anyone else” just friends

BUT the anyone else – USED to be my mother, and so my mind is USED to by habit worrying about this “anyone else”

Perhaps as though I am used to having a pet to attend to, and even far after that pet is gone, I find myself feeling the need to “worry” about something, not giving myself the liberty to stay out as I please without running home. A simplistic and benign example, but one that comes to mind.

So in short, the last month has been excellent in my goal.  I have noticed that I have control over my emotions, and even on bad days, or days where I feel less in “control” over my emotions – I see myself.  I see myself through it and know its just a phase, moment, or day.  I see me, and am no longer defined by these days that are no longer my norm.  Nope, they don’t define me, Cali Chica.

My husband has noticed it to – and so its only more time until these patterns stick, and we can re-create new memories, focued on us, and not on others.