Dear Anita,

I re-read our posts, and for a second  I felt disconnected (perhaps because I did not get great sleep, but more likely because reading this sounds like fiction, absurd fiction at times).

Reading that this could be reality, what you re-posted – and not just reality – if you met me – you would have no idea!’

You may imagine a battered wounded child, a puppy kicked down, a fragile person.

But in fact, this happened to me – someone who still managed to be “normal” and perhaps that is half the suffering.

Fighting and rising above, still maintaining sanity, normal relationships, a sense of self, and success (in the on paper sense) – wow it is just exhausting reading that!

How – does a person do it – how do I do it- how do you do it

With incredible strength, awareness, and perseverance, that’s how.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes, but that doesn’t diminish at all the grueling nature of such a task – the task to recover.

My last patient, we had some difficulty with blood work.  I said to him before the procedure, I am sorry you had to go through that.  He states:

Well, everything you are doing here is to help me, right?

I said, yes, right…

He replies: well then why would I be nothing but cooperative, you are doing your best to help me…

So simple, but incredible – something we never hear – perhaps in the medical world, or even the real world anymore.

It is exactly right – if someone is trying there absolute best, why should we be uncooperative and attempt to put them down – how senseless!

Yet it happens every single day

Dear Anita,

Absolutely and to be honest, I did this to my husband- attack someone who simply loved me and kept trying to help.

it is sad – truly sad – but I am working on it.

Dear Anita,

We earn our self forgiveness – wow what a concept

But only when we are on that other side right – I mean just a month ago I still attacked (after that yoga incident)

I am still not all there where I can call myself a “non-attacker” but I am working on it, I truly hope I am

And I think daily about what you said:

in order to truly heal, I must believe I am a good person.

I think I do, but not 100 percent, not just yet…

Dear Anita,

I would like to mark it, but lets mark today, similar timeline as when I last spoke to my parents.

So therefore, next year around Valentines Day, it will be 2 years of no-communication from parents, and one year (hopefully) of not attacking.

What do you say?

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

The date I would like is February 13

This is the last day I spoke to my parents, my mother in fact.  The last thing she said to me on the phone (screaming in agony not speaking) was the following:

We should have had an abortion with you

That wasn’t the tipping point or the hurtful last punch, it was just a sign that enough was enough.  There is no helping the crazy, there is no usefulness in absorbing the crazy, and when enmeshed in crazy – you too are crazy.

One year later, February 13 (now) I have not spoken to them.  My biggest hurdle since then has NOT been how to keep no-contact.  It has been a variety of healing paths including, juggling the relationship with my sister, but most importantly my relationship with my husband.  It is through time and the help of you, that I am opening my eyes to the immense gift my husband is, a loving supportive partner.  I had been blind to this, and not just blind but an attacker.

Which brings us to our current topic.  You are no longer an attacker, when you no longer attack.

Of course.  How could it be any other way.  Would I call my dog a sweet docile dog if he attacked weekly at the park? What about monthly? In this case I would still worry in the back of my mind.  What about once every few months, well the worry would be buried in the back, but may come up from time to time.

I would only call him a sweet docile dog if  I NO longer see him attacking.  Of course.

I love your idea, to mark the calendar.  And this time next year, on February 13 I will celebrate being a non-attacker.

I do hope that I continue to have insight, foresight, and hindsight.

I know one thing is true – the most helpful advice I have gotten recently is the following:

do not help/simply do no harm.

This has been instrumental.  My innate need to jump and help is a frenzied state, it is not a calm way, and it does not prioritize myself nor my husband.  Often it helps no one, it is just a reflex based in fear/anxiety.  Instead, when I do no harm, and often this means do nothing at all – I can think and act from a place of calm.

Do not seek – do no harm. 

Dear Anita,

Cali Chica NC/NA reminder! I just did it, and I am thrilled about the monthly reminder.  Yes, you are right, it is deserving of a calendar entry.

Do not help, simply do no harm: every time you feel the urge to help someone and the help is not necessary, remind yourself: do not help, simply do no harm

say nothing, do nothing, take a time out and do no harm.

I will also add, something that is relevant today:

Every time someone brings up(or it comes up)- a topic/situation that I am not authentically interested in engaging in: do nothing.  No need to always reply, engage, be social, do, or seek.  Detach from involvement, and sink into peace.

Is my involvement going to be helpful? Is it necessary, is it simply out of habit? Will it serve me? Is it useless? Ask myself this.

Detach from involvement, and sink into peace.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.