Dear Anita, my sister sent me a text yesterday that she was getting dinner with a friend near my apartment. She asked if I was available and if so she would stop by. My husband and I are about to sit down and go through our wedding pictures, a task that we have put off for over a year now. So plan is we are going to sit down and finally tackling, go through thousands of pictures and pick about 100. On Saturday night.

Dear Anita,

To Answer your last question. Yes I did ask him, we discussed it, I even thought about it myself thoroughly and systematically . I thought about whether her presence would disrupt our evening in anyway at all. I also thought about whether her presence would disrupt our important task at hand.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

thank you!

now none of this is to say this will be a frequent ocurrence. As even in the small time together I notice her energy does affect both myself and husband. Sure I was able to reroute it and recircuit back to task. But this does not mean that it is healthy on a regular basis.

Yet I am glad I was able to have this interaction and successfully be able to observe and interact!

my growth recently has mostly a lot to do with space from my sister. And I will protect this space.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

When I last posted, my husband and I were discussing exactly that – her energy.  The way in which I wrote it, I did not mean to sound that her energy is necessarily toxic and destructive.  However, I am glad that my husband and I spoke about it.

So on his end (and mine after seeing what he means and then looking back observing it), and it is tough to explain/articulate – it goes like this:

So imagine if you lived in NYC too, you’re my sister or close friend.  You are going to be having dinner near my apartment, so you send me a text and say, hello I’ll be there, if you are around I will come by after – with my dog.  I reply okay, we will be home in an hour, and going to be finally going through wedding pictures, but come over when you are done.

Normal – pretty much saying, yes we are home, but busy with a task we are going to  do (since she’s family it is of course not awkward for her to be over while we do this, as she was intimately involved in the wedding itself) – my husband and I discuss about her coming over, he is cool and calm about it, and jokes that perhaps she can even help during this “dreaded task.”

She comes over with her dog.  Her dog is small and hyper, and so when he and my dog play they have a great time, but it is a ton of ruckus and commotion, running around a 1 bedroom apartment.  NO fault to the dogs, I am just objectively mentioning.  They also had not seen each other in a while over a month or so, so the pups were happy to meet and play.  My sister arrives and sits down, and we chat a little about our days and the dogs etc.  We continue to go through the pictures  (had started about half an hour prior to her arrival)

The dogs begin to get very loud and tumultuous so I mention that we should put them in the kitchen area with the gate up (small apartment) – she mentions “oh they haven’t seen each other in so long let them play.”

A nice normal benign comment – but when my hsuband and I discussed yesterday, we both talked about how – once again, she is off track from what our goal is (as husband and wife we are sitting down doing an important task) her focus is not “oh i came over but they are doing something important” it is ‘oh let the dogs have fun.”

so I say, yes they’re having fun, but we can’t focus right now, so let’s put them in the kitchen area.  So we do.

Then about 20 mins later, once again a ruckus, so I feel perhaps one of them has to go to the bathroom, or something.  So I mention it.  She says, oh they’re fine.

So again, not noticing, okay my sister and her husband (a team that is older than me, and I am at their house, while they are doing something) – are trying to focus – what can I do to help out? No that is not there.

So like I mentioned before, instead of getting up myself and investigating (yes it is a few steps away) I repeat, “no looks liek they’re getting rowdy, go check make sure all is okay.” So she does, slowly….

That’s the point.  If I was at someone’s place, friend, sister, etc – and they (that person and ESPECIALLY if their spouse was there too) were trying to focus on something – I would try my best to make sure my presence and that of my dog and I does not disrupt what they are trying to do.  It would be something that I would think of (I like to think) or be aware of.  Not this way.

So then lastly, after we go through some more, she begins talking about how her “dog is lonely” and she has already looked up a Thai rescue dog that she thinks she wants to get.

From the outside this sounds slightly absurd.  Just moved a month ago, finally settling in I’m sure, starting first adult job, with first adult salary, learning to be financially and otherwise independent.  This sounds very much like my mom, lofty convos and thoughts, not necessarily focused on reality or practicality.

Anyway – I cut her off.  I don’t mention all the above, I simply said oh interesting, yeah I am not sure – but let’s talk about it another time, we need to get through the rest of these it’s getting late.

So all in all, while I type this, and after discussing with my husband.  I notice a trend, her not aware that it isn’t about her, she doesn’t barge in with her dog to have a party – she’s coming over – it should occur to her that when I stated that I wanted to finally do this task – respect it – does that make sense.

So it is true we had a good evening, and it is true that I observed and was mindful, and as you said “excellent” on my end.

But when my husband and I spoke, he also mentioned that her energy is quite “erratic.” He is not like you and I, in that he describes behavior/psychology/etc and speaks in a descriptive way – as it is not his habit.  But what he meant is something along the lines of “she tries hard to cover up” that she’s not lonely.  She goes on and on about things, even when not the appropriate context.  And even when we are in the middle of doing something important, another person may pick up on cues or have awareness -she lacks it. He also in the past has mentioned how I “change” around her and he does not like that.

This is true, and we spoke extensively last month about how I do.  And how I go into help mode.  And how I also turn into silly young girl jokey Cali Chica almost like an entertainer to her.  This I did not do this time around, but of course it is not perfect.  He mentioned how he thinks I handled the whole situation well, but he noticed how being around her does affect me.  As her presence is not relaxing and calming, or “helpful” its more like she shows up and I have to regulate, and find a way for us to stay on task.

all in all though, I was not “severely” affected by her.  Although I did sense some relief when she left. As I said it was late, time to go, evening was fine.  More is not better. And phew task complete, and hangout with her successful on my end.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Excellent and incredible advice.  Thank you so very much.

Here are some points that stood out to me:

• unable yet, as far as I know, to have a single healthy love relationship with a man. She lived across the country from her parents, failed to thrive away from them, went back to living with them and now she lives close to them and has been helped in practical ways by you and your husband, maybe by her parents as well.
  • yes, my husband and I also discussed this.  that she does not realize that dating her may not be as “easy going” as she thinks.  she thinks herself a fun “chill” person but in reality, it would be hard for a functional sane man to want to date someone like her.  (I do not say this in a malicious way, it is objective – as I too once acted more like her, and found myself with dysfunctional dating patterns)
  • and yes, my parents and my husband and I have been the helpers, the once to provide support and stability, she lacks this in her own self.
• Focus your time, your energy, your money (yours and your husband’s, being a team), on your life, not hers.
  • yes, just months ago I would have thought this statement to be selfish.  from myself, or from you, or from anyone. or moreover, thought it to be IMPOSSIBLE. this is hardly the case – where I exert my resources, physicial and emotional, is entirely up to me.  Whether or not I am burdened by guilt to help or not, is entirely up to me. Often not seeing reality (seeing her and her situation for what it is) will be harmful for me, like attempting to help someone into a task they have no business in performing, now, or perhaps never.
• There is no benefit for three people living dysfunctional lives
  • yes and yes.
  • if I go down, and my husband goes down – who does it help?
    • does it help her, no? in fact everyone fails.  so the goal is to preserve ourselves, not sink with the other.
• There really is nothing you can do for her, and it is so very unwise to try once again in any way.
  • yes, I agree it IS only a matter of time before she is in crisis.  When she made the erratic comment about getting another dog, some rescue from Asia (which would be a challenge for any dog owner) – I saw it CLEAR AND BOLD
    • I thought to myself: dysfunction, delusion, lofty thinking, not down to reality
      • My husband mentioned the dog comment yesterday, I remember now, and he said he doesn’t want to be involved in that and have to help. I said, nope.  First of all a terrible idea, second if that’s her idea, it’s on her.  If she thinks shes so responsible and mature to make those decisions, let her – but the consequences beginning to end are hers not ours.

So yes, we must prepare for when she is in crisis. and YES, it is the responsibility of herself and my parents to dig her out.  She does lack respect not just awareness.  I say this because, someone who is not functional, and brings others down with her time and again- does not see the effects she has on someone else (especially if that person for all other purposes is sane) – this is like my mother.  simply put, she doesn’t see the havoc she wreaks on kind nice people (my husband).  she doesn’t see the havoc her erratic ways have on not just herself. she thinks herself responsible and mature, and that she can ‘handle it’

well what has she handled so well on her own?

yes, those accomplishments, but beyond – I recall her living in Arizona, and her mentioning how hard it was for someone to do what she did, move away on her own and succeed.  I thougth about how I uprooted the one free weekend I had to “move her in” flying 3000 miles and back in just 40 hours (remember the story – it was the one weekend my husband and I needed as downtime) and so much more.

so NO, she leans on us, and she has zero awareness. and NO we will not be her saviors any longer.  we must prepare