Dear Anita,

Scenario 2:

Sister does not say directly, but feels sad that we haven’t been in contact much at all, and do not spend time together etc although living in the same city.

Devil immediately reacts and feels bad, feels guilty, as it is the duty of myself to make sure it does not happen.  What kind of sister does this?!? Mother voice kicking in – saying wow how sad

Angel says:

my sister and I need space, not just for me, but her as well. It is not an opinion, it is an objective truth.  I was taking on way too many of her anxieties and problems, and she mine.

I was raised to feel that she was my responsibility – but in reality – no one is anyone’s responsibility, no one that is an adult that is capable of standing on their own two feet.  We are not in charge of the happiness and functionality of others.  Unless that person is an infant or a dependent being, we do not have to hold ourselves to this role.  To feel responsible for the well being of another adult is futile for both parties.

It is impossible.

Dear Anita,

In the second scenario, I shall say it is more of a sentiment versus a scenario.

In this scenario I will be telling my sister, if she does assert that I am in any way RESPONSIBLE for how she feels etc.  I will let her know that space is essential, and that if she is dealing with an issue, she can approach me with questions etc – but I am not in charge of being her primary helper.

This reminds me, more than anything, I will let her know – which is totally amiss – that my first and foremost priority is my husband.  Yes above her.  This is new and changed.  It does not make me a bad sister.  It does not make me a selfish sister.  It does not make me a bad person.  It does not make me a selfish person.

It makes me a smart, well adjusted adult.  I will not “un-adjust” myself for others. It helps no one.

So yes, I am here, in the capacity I can be, only when it is a win-win for me and my husband.

Dear Anita,

First there is Cali Chica the individual. Second, the one in the team of two, my husband and I.

Excellent!

Cheers to the healthy chapter

Dear Anita,

Good morning. How are you today? How is your leg?

I observed something today on the subway.  It goes like this:
This week I focused on these things: work, yoga, Bodhi, and eating a nice dinner with my husband.
That’s it.  I did not focus on friends, making sure to keep in touch with people.  I did not respond to social texts or emails immediately just because thats what SCC does.  Nope.
And guess what it was…?
Not boring.
Focus on work yoga cooking dog winding down
Adding extra. Adding more to be involved in doesn’t mean better life< >Seek more< >Seek busier< >Seek more involved< Seek full plate< >Max stuffed.< >Like luggage. More the better if I have space why not fill it. Stuff it more more more. Stuff the bag tothe max. Stuff life to the max.  That is my habit.< ">I have always thought:
“>You have time occupy it< ">You have space fill it< NO, not true..

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes.  I thought about just because you live in a connected world, a city like nyc, access to so many things and people, in the era of smartphones where you can easily connect with someone at any time – just because there is all that, does not mean that you have to choose it.

Your baseline doesnt have to involve such, it is your choice.

you can live in the middle of chaos – but choose to not jump in.  if you jump in and feel constantly bombarded, note your motive for jumping in.  and remind yourself, you have this choice.

at the end of the day, I don’t have to fill all my space up, to the very max.  I now have that choice, as a result of a better work schedule and most importantly, for creating space in the universe by deleting toxic people from my life.

Dear Anita,

Great point as to why people jump into chaotic situations.  That makes sense.  It reminds me of when I used to spend a lot of time with friends or on the phone in my 20s – repeating often the same situation over.  Let’s say it was a break up.  I would find myself narrating it perhaps 5 times over a few days, each time a friend was asking.  Never taking the time to actually sit with discomfort.  Before I knew it I had talked talked talked my story all day and night, but never having processed it.  Never letting anything sink and savor.

Makes sense.  Something I learned from my mother. I recall my mother from a young age droning on and on about things, learning that this is the way to “process” and to “scope.”

Dear Anita

Good morning. Happy Sunday morning. I love this time, it is usually myself- awake before anyone. Whether it is now as a married woman or younger as a child, or in college or high school etc. I would be up and productive and enjoying some alone time on Sunday. Did I know this back then. Did I observe this similarly. No. I did not perhaps even enjoy this quiet time before the world was awake – Perhaps or even likely felt fearful and pushed myself into a task to not face that amount of solitude. Being awake and sitting with myself and taking it in. Versus jumping into tasks and not checking in with me.

I bring this up because it goes exactly with our recent conversation.  After reading your Last post I thought a lot about how much truly a person has to be trained, self-disciplines, aware, wise, and so many other characteristics to be able to sit with distress and pain without passing it on to others. It did occur to me that there are some people who are so “notable” or seemingly leaders, or well accomplished, etc., yet they have not mastered the skill at all, and never will. Some of which could be that they have gotten away their whole life on mis-treating others and projecting their insecurities or distress.  Also Another of which could be that there is really no space for this in many peoples lives, these sort of conversations just never come up, people come and go and just act how they please without ever stopping and thinking how do I really seem, how do I come off to others, am I being my best self? I could name a handful of people in my own life that have likely never had this conversation for even 1/10 of a second. That’s okay. Let them live their own life. My focus is inward on mine.

I used to think that I of all people would be the worst at sitting with discomfort. The reason being, like I have noted on earlier, I always surrounded myself with others, I was immediately on the phone to discuss something that was going on, I didn’t seek solitude, I always felt that if I had some time why not spend it with others— time is better shared. Experiences are better shared.

This goes back to what we discussed this week about filling things to the max, filling time to the max, feeling suitcases to the max. It also goes back to the conversation about the angel versus devil.  Without distinct memory, I can recall overall times during which I would wake up feeling quite fatigued, and wanting to instantly cancel the plan that was pending. But of course SCC never did. Fearful that of course if I did that, what would I do? Spend that hour alone? And also not wanting to disappoint the other.  Of course this fear was not blatant, I did not actually sit there and feel that overwhelmingly lonely or guilty, but it was habit to be social, and it was not habit to sit with myself. Nope it was not habit to sit with myself, this habit is only being developed now, in this current time.

And that is OK because it is a beautiful thing to watch develop. Sitting with ones self. It is not lonely. It is alone. And alone can be beautiful.

I saw A quote on the tiny Buddha website today, I do like to read these. I do not believe that all quotes are as ground shaking as the internet and social media tries to make them be, as we can relate to most of them on some level, but in order to truly understand that we all have a different view – and that is fine. In fact that is what makes them interesting because if you go around a table everyone has a different interpretation.

This is it  “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I read this a few times, the first time I read it quite literally, it made sense, of course people sparkle and shine when there is good in life, and of course when there is not good in their life 1their true self will come out. That your true friends are revealed when you are not in the best place, who sticks around. And character shines through when we are faced with tragedy.

I have read a lot about this, many of us have, and seen it in her own life. But when I read this quote again and again I thought about how it has so much to do with my holding on to people, or holding onto versions of people. Versions.

I realize of course that with my mother it is a whole other story, holding onto a parent or making excuses for a parent is innate and primal, children want to think the best about their own parent. But I will talk about this overall, not just pertaining to my mother. So when it came to my mother, I wanted to only see the version of her when the sun was shining out, but when darkness came through her true character or according to the quote “true beauty” did show itself  time an again. Surprisingly it may seem that it was unpredictable, it would seem that it was out of character. But if you look back, this WAS her character. All of the times during the sun being out was not a profound reflection of her soul and heart and intentions. That was the easy times -those were the good times. And no, not everyone acts so terribly when they are faced with something that is difficult. No not everyone crumbles in the face of darkness. And this is what I have learned, people have choices, and not everyone turns into a monster. And therefore, we cannot excuse the monster. If true beauty really does show itself in times of darkness, then watch it, and observe it. If it happens time and again, that is the “beauty” of that person. I have made a lot of excuses for peopleBased on this principle, seeing them as they are when the sun was out, and using that as a guide to think of them as a person overall. The sunny person let’s say. To a point this is human nature, or a good approach to humanity I shall say -to want to think the best of people. If we only charged a person based on how they reacted in there most terrible situation we not may not be truly fair. For ourselves or others.

BUT When it comes with our conversations, we are not talking about humanity or simple human nature. We are talking about specific situations, we are talking about how my brain or the brain of many people like me is wired in a way that sees things very specifically at times, perhaps not congruent with reality. So if I take this quote to think about other people in my life, not nearly as monumental as my mother, friends like N, and so many others, I think once again similarly. Wanting to see them as they are when the sun was out. But they’re true beauty did show when it was darkness, and once again it was not unpredictable. I can’t really say all these people all acted OUT of character when tough times hit them, because indeed that is their character.  The darkness showed their face. Having a bad fight or screaming at someone may be out of character. But time and time again, acting selfish, self-centered, rude, etc. every time something is not going your way – well that’s not out of character. This begins to define you. This  in fact is the mirror of the other person. look into that mirror and see that person clearly. And then you have your answer.

there’s nothing to be confused about. Just like the mirror for ourselves. There is a mirror we can see others too. No need to make excuses. They are showing their face to you.