Dear Anita,

Scenario 2:

Sister does not say directly, but feels sad that we haven’t been in contact much at all, and do not spend time together etc although living in the same city.

Devil immediately reacts and feels bad, feels guilty, as it is the duty of myself to make sure it does not happen.  What kind of sister does this?!? Mother voice kicking in – saying wow how sad

Angel says:

my sister and I need space, not just for me, but her as well. It is not an opinion, it is an objective truth.  I was taking on way too many of her anxieties and problems, and she mine.

I was raised to feel that she was my responsibility – but in reality – no one is anyone’s responsibility, no one that is an adult that is capable of standing on their own two feet.  We are not in charge of the happiness and functionality of others.  Unless that person is an infant or a dependent being, we do not have to hold ourselves to this role.  To feel responsible for the well being of another adult is futile for both parties.

It is impossible.

Dear Anita,

In the second scenario, I shall say it is more of a sentiment versus a scenario.

In this scenario I will be telling my sister, if she does assert that I am in any way RESPONSIBLE for how she feels etc.  I will let her know that space is essential, and that if she is dealing with an issue, she can approach me with questions etc – but I am not in charge of being her primary helper.

This reminds me, more than anything, I will let her know – which is totally amiss – that my first and foremost priority is my husband.  Yes above her.  This is new and changed.  It does not make me a bad sister.  It does not make me a selfish sister.  It does not make me a bad person.  It does not make me a selfish person.

It makes me a smart, well adjusted adult.  I will not “un-adjust” myself for others. It helps no one.

So yes, I am here, in the capacity I can be, only when it is a win-win for me and my husband.

Dear Anita,

First there is Cali Chica the individual. Second, the one in the team of two, my husband and I.

Excellent!

Cheers to the healthy chapter

Dear Anita,

Good morning. How are you today? How is your leg?

I observed something today on the subway.  It goes like this:
This week I focused on these things: work, yoga, Bodhi, and eating a nice dinner with my husband.
That’s it.  I did not focus on friends, making sure to keep in touch with people.  I did not respond to social texts or emails immediately just because thats what SCC does.  Nope.
And guess what it was…?
Not boring.
Focus on work yoga cooking dog winding down
Adding extra. Adding more to be involved in doesn’t mean better life< >Seek more< >Seek busier< >Seek more involved< Seek full plate< >Max stuffed.< >Like luggage. More the better if I have space why not fill it. Stuff it more more more. Stuff the bag tothe max. Stuff life to the max.  That is my habit.< ">I have always thought:
“>You have time occupy it< ">You have space fill it< NO, not true..

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes.  I thought about just because you live in a connected world, a city like nyc, access to so many things and people, in the era of smartphones where you can easily connect with someone at any time – just because there is all that, does not mean that you have to choose it.

Your baseline doesnt have to involve such, it is your choice.

you can live in the middle of chaos – but choose to not jump in.  if you jump in and feel constantly bombarded, note your motive for jumping in.  and remind yourself, you have this choice.

at the end of the day, I don’t have to fill all my space up, to the very max.  I now have that choice, as a result of a better work schedule and most importantly, for creating space in the universe by deleting toxic people from my life.

Dear Anita,

Great point as to why people jump into chaotic situations.  That makes sense.  It reminds me of when I used to spend a lot of time with friends or on the phone in my 20s – repeating often the same situation over.  Let’s say it was a break up.  I would find myself narrating it perhaps 5 times over a few days, each time a friend was asking.  Never taking the time to actually sit with discomfort.  Before I knew it I had talked talked talked my story all day and night, but never having processed it.  Never letting anything sink and savor.

Makes sense.  Something I learned from my mother. I recall my mother from a young age droning on and on about things, learning that this is the way to “process” and to “scope.”