Dear Anita,

Starve the devil! By paying it no attention, observing it, notice it – but do not give in, do not feel it fuel or power – do not entertain the devil.

Dear Anita,

To add:

Revive the angel:

keep at it, no matter what the devil says.

have faith that the angel is in fact the angel -not the devil in disguise

believe the angel, as the angel is me, it is myself

know that following the devil does not lead to any progress – proof is in the pudding

know that following the angel does lead to progress – the difference I feel in this past year, versus other decades of my life

Dear Anita,

Yes, we can be empowered to be our intrinsic self, the self that is there after the dirt is washed away, and the mirror is clear. What do you see? Your own self.

Dear Anita,

I starved the devil last night.

My sister texted me – just a normal hello.

I was NOT triggered.  I responded WHEN was convenient for ME.

The devil would say, respond immediately given that its my sister – halt and act NOW.

I said nope.

Here’s why.  First of all – because I was in the middle of something, and no social text requires me to drop everything NOW.

Here’s another reason, my husband was at work until 9pm last night, he was having a miserable day at work.  Now, I can’t do anything to make his day better.  But what I can do is preserve my energy.

Energy is not infinite.  It is finite.  We are only human.  Each person and thing that punches holes into our energy sphere, allows it to seep out.  This may be without us even knowing.  But at the end of the day we may be surprised to see we only have 50% remaining.  How? How did this happen.

Scenario: I respond immediately to sister, get super engaged into her life – or anyone for that matter but especially her – and there you have it.  It is 7 pm, I haven’t stopped doing any of my own tasks.  But where is my mind? My mind is not present.  IT is not inward.  Husband arrives home at 9 pm after a 15 hour day, and where is my head? If I let my energy seep out  – throughout the day, when husband comes home – I am depleted or up in my arms – I am Cali Chica from a few weeks ago after yoga. ready to fight, ready to attack.  Depleted and angry – angry for being depleted – and then roar fire out – stay away!

So anyway, protect thyself, so you can be your best self to you, and to others.

Dear Anita,

Yes some editing indeed! As this is always a stream of consciousness!

Interesting how as you put “interactions with my sister and others” are really what are often the root of distress in me.

It could be exactly as above, a normal day, yet my engulfing myself in someone else – voluntarily – given that they didn’t ask me to – that I lose my energy – it seeps out of those holes.  Left with nothing for myself and my husband.

Clearly trained very well by my mother: give me ALL you have, right now and always.

Dear Anita,

I always have called my mother an emotional vampire, perhaps I never wrote it here.  A vampire that sucks all your blood and energy, but never satiated.  Always seeking more.  A bottomless pit of thirst.

I now no longer think of her as this, or much of anything, just a defective flawed human that has no business being a mother.

Now,

I find myself thinking more about myself these days.  What am I? Who am I? What is my baseline? Is it my “baseline” or am i being provoked by something behind the scenes.  What is behind the scenes anyway…?