Dear Anita,

It is a path of creating rather than reacting

Thank you for this great quote.  How true.  So far, when I work on doing no harm, I am creating a new habit, not just simply reacting based on patterns and habit.

Interesting you mention my sister,  I was thinking earlier how we haven’t spoken much, but I am sure in the next month or so – I will have an interaction with her – which to be perfectly honest, i don’t look forward to – I dread.

I do not miss spending time and talking to her.  It is important to be honest with yourself and admit such things even if they do not sound nice.  So I do not miss our interaction.  In fact, over the last few years, it has been more guilt oriented than anything.  The fun times are like you’ve stated, a respite from the distress.  A “respite” during which I am still ON and not turning OFF.

Do no harm/no help must be practiced in life circumstances that are small and large, before we are able to employ them with people who are very emotionally triggering.  I am glad I am doing practice with daily routine, so that – hopefully – when larger circumstances arise, I have a sense of what protecting my spirit feels like

Dear Anita,

You are right.  I do need to create a scenario, and practice – here with you.  I will think about this now and through the weekend.  As at this time, I do not have the correct mindset to approach it.

Speaking of, I know now that some days our mindset allows us to approach certain topics/situations, and sometimes not.  If we are able to – and we can – we should protect ourselves and approach accordingly – to create less distress.

So today – thinking about my sister feels foreign, I will approach it when my mind is ready.

Today is a very cold day here, perhaps the coldest of the year.  Interesting as I have always dreaded winter and these cold days, as of course when you are already feeling low, the cold does not help.  I look back at feeling worse during the winter often, and thriving in the sun.  I look back and felt that the winter was to blame often.

I see that sure the winter may exacerbate feeling down or low, for just about anyone – but surely it is not to blame.

It always felt external all of it Anita.  I feel this way, because of this person, this situation, what they DID to me, what this made me feel like, because of the weather, because of many things.

But like my post yesterday, It is news to me that I actually do have control over myself and approach to life.  What a concept!

It is interesting, taking N out of my life – I ended up actually having to block her by the way, as she was shameless in her texting and “fake” interest in my life in random spurt when convenient to her – and just the sight of her meaningless flakey messages added toxicity I did not need.

So taking someone like this out of my life, not someone instrumental in it, but someone there in my life for many years in some form – even not a large form – creates space.

I feel a small amount – 1 percent – increase of space.  I am appreciative of this one percent increase of space.  I am glad that it serves as a reminder.  When we remove toxicity, space returns in a different form.

It returns, and we may not be aware of it – but even without our consent, energy and space come and go.  They slip away when we don’t have strong boundaries, and they return when our boundaries remain intact.

Dear Anita,

I agree.  I will create this calm environment to approach the scenario with my sister.  That is an excellent idea given that such a scenario requires calm energy as a prerequisite.

N is no where close to my sister, in a way shes a nobody, but a somebody as she was involved in my wedding, and was a “good” friend back in my 20s.  Someone who brought glitter like you said.  but no substance.

I have removed many such people in my life over the last year – the last year since speaking to my parents.  Removing insignificant people is of course easier.

As an aside.

Do you believe that anxiety creates constant “seeking” as a response to fear.  Do you think in a way, it is a way of fleeting, or always having a survival instinct, thus always seeking something out.  Unable to sit with what just is – seeking elsewhere, or more.

Dear Anita,

I re read your post about the elk.  What a beautiful natural example.  I thought about this often when I was in Africa a few months ago, seeing a lion, and a leopard.  A sight to see – in their own habitat.  So calm and majestic in one breath, and ready to attack nonetheless.  The balance of these emotions/states – innate to such an animal.

Yet we aren’t such animals.  We are not by nature ferocious hunting carnivores. Yet, we may feel like that some days, ready to attack – on edge, ready to pounce.  Such as I did that day after yoga, attacking my husband – with my claws out, ready to fight.

Saying – “get close and I’ll attack” not thinking what “close” meant – good or bad.  Nope, just ready to fight.  Showing off those claws.

I see my sweet dog, a gentle being.  Yet, if provoked, can easily change demeanor – the beauty of an animal, the alertness, the innate sense.  I find it admirable.

Yet, in a human, in me – it served me – when my mother was lurking around every corner, I had my claws, ready to attack, to shield.  Saying – okay what now – I’m ready bring it.  And so even when the fearful predator is nowhere to be find now, the claws don’t automatically retract, we are still ready – I am still ready.  And slowly – I know, I will retract, into a resting position, when I know it is safe.  When I feel safe.

Dear Anita,

Self focused it is.

I did have a self focused weekend.  I did notice a lot.  I noticed that although self focused, the mother voice of course is present, perhaps not always, but is there lingering in the background – omnipresent in some form in that way.

I noticed that there is the “new” Cali Chica way of thinking, that is not forced, but often coming from a place of calm – but there is also the devil on the other shoulder, questioning or mocking it.  Perhaps the “angel” and the “devil” on the shoulders such as they show in cartoons or TV – we can call it that for conversation sake.

Here’s an example:

1 -My mother in law asks, what are you doing for the super bowl:

Angel: oh we are invited to a party, but will likely stay home to relax, as we have an early morning Monday

Devil: oh how sad, sitting at home, I saw so many people in the lobby getting dressed to go out to parties, look how fun

2 – my friend on the phone mentions her plans for Super bowl:

angel: oh that sounds so fun, I think we are going to lay low this year

devil: oh, that sounds fun, how social.  it sounds lonely to do nothing, and lame, let me make sure my friend knows we have options to do something fun too.

I observed this.  The angel response was not contrived, it was innate and natural.  It was real.  But when devil reared his head, I did feel this feeling rise in me – the feeling to overcompensate, to explain, perhaps a feeling of guilt or shame?

interesting – I am glad I observed.