Dear Anita,

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Great point about our memories deactivating and basic logic.  Oh how many times I have felt this way – and to think the next day, how did I, who has this knowledge and awareness get tricked!

How is your Friday going?

dear Anita,

Did you visit a doctor for your injury? Have you had any treatment outside of ice/rest?

No I will not.  After my training, I have given up working nights and weekends.  It is entirely not worth the havoc it does to my sleep schedule, and takes away from my ability to feel centered and balanced (capable of healing and being the best person I am).

So no nights and weekends for this doctor!

Dear Anita,

How is your foot feeling? Is it okay, I hope you are not feeling too much stiffness.

Yesterday, during a slow yoga class, restorative, one in which you have time to your thoughts – I came across something.  For the first time in my life, I had this thought bounce into my mind – that I have control over my life.

It sounds strange.  Of course I have control over it, who else would? I controlled in many ways my trajectory into career by applying myself.  I chose who to marry, I chose many things.  Many of us do.

Yet, when this small thought appeared in my mind – it felt new.  I know exactly why now.

I have always felt as though I have no control over many things.  I am just a person that gets messy easily, not dirty, but disorganized.  My closet can go from perfect to a hurricane in a minute.  i find myself easily with papers everywhere.  Everything is always very clean and sanitary, but not always organized or in the right place.  This is something that I have always in a way accepted about myself, even though it can be a barrier to feeling calm and structured.

Another one, I feel like I can never just do one thing at once, there are always so many things to do.  How do people focus on one task at a time – how do they have the time!

This does go hand in hand with the disorganized comment. So yesterday I came home from yoga, and my friend S was calling.  A nice sweet loyal friend from college.  S is quite reliable and calls and checks in regularly, we both do.

Naturally the phone rings, and I go to pick it up.  I do not check in with myself first.  Nope, instant knee jerk to attend to this call, attend to this person.  Although in all reality it was her calling leisurely.  But naturally I am primed, to drop everything and pick up, and then resume my activities while multi tasking.

Yesterday I didn’t.  When she was calling I was in the middle of organizing my closet.  A dreaded task for me.  By picking up the phone I would be able to distract myself from this annoying task, and talk while performing it.  Then I would be done, and feel both, unrested, and also equally unorganized.  This would continue, and years later.  I would find, that

1 – I never allowed myself to focus on any given task at hand. Why – because I did not protect this time for myself

2 – I may be less organized than say another, but the true reality is, my mind is always on something or someone else.  Like knee jerk picking up the phone to talk to someone, out of habit – and not giving yourself or your task the undivided attention it needs.  The closet does not clean itself.  The next morning it will continue to cause you stress.

So why?

Well my mother consistently throughout my life needed me to give her my full attention, and towards the end it was so intrusive it was – drop everything and run to her.  This habit still runs deep.

guilt.  guilt runs deep.  the feeling that CC can do it all, so she should. that she is not deserving of doing just one thing at a time.  why should she? if she can do 12 things at once, just doing one at a time seems a waste – seems unnatural.  guilt that if she doesn’t pick up the phone, the opposite party will be disappointed.  guilt that she is not the person she has always been if she now begins to focus on herself/husband and own life.

This is a common theme for me I know.

But yesterday, looping back.  I realized that I control this.  I can control whether this closet stays disorganized, or becomes organized.  If you give yourself one hour, and do it and put your mind to it – its nothing! But if you give yourself one hour, and half do it, and focus your energy on the phone call with S – you aren’t helping yourself or your closet out.  And S is fine either way, if I don’t pick up – I would another time.  At the end of the day, it is my own guilt.  But I see now how I can control how I felt yesterday.  How my evening went, how my closet looked.   How CC doesn’t always think about others because shes defective, its that she always picks up the phone -figuratively.

So OF COURSE my focus is not from within.  put down the phone. and pick up yourself.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I was feeling lazy today and wrote CC! Yes, you do need to be very careful walking uneven ground of nature, especially those hidden tree roots that can get the best of us.

Yes you are right.  I always think back to how you mention that changing deep rooted habits takes a lot of time and effort.  It is moments like yesterday that made me realize how deep the habits run.

I thought yesterday how in psychotherapy, the first questions often refer to our earliest memories as children.  I notice how I don’t always have a good recollection – but do overall, versus exact scenarios.

During this yoga class, something else came up.  I recall feeling small and fearful in gym classes.  This is not uncommon, during those awkward growing years, in physical education classes in a huge gym.  But the memory wasn’t about this.  It was something else.

It was this strange feeling of being vulnerable.  Feeling hurt even before the punch.  Feeling sad even before the incident.  Feeling disappointed even before the fall.  I recall only the mother voice.  Only it speaking in my brain, the child brain.  I recall feeling sad for my mom, feeling sad for this world, what a shame we live in this bad world.

This is what came to mind.

If i link this with the other thought that came to mind, the idea of having control over your own life – it makes sense.

I was fed these thoughts, values, delusions – whatever they were -as truths.  Solid truths.  Objective, uncontrollable reality it seemed.  As a result, my mood or feelings based on those were also a given.  Well of course I feel sad, why wouldn’t I – the world is sad! Of course I feel annoyed, look how bad people are!

All out of MY control, because that was the truth.

Or of course I am disorganized, there is no time to be organized, there are so many tasks and people to attend to! Its a given, so there’s no CHOICE.  I have no CONTROL over how I feel or act, its a given.

But as I slowly go back to the truths – the “truths” I can begin to see what is aligned with a good life for Cali Chica – and what is not.

Dear Anita,

Very selfish. yes we have covered it, but it is always worth covering – given that it all goes back to that mistreatment.  when on the path sometimes – in my own experience – it is easy to forget the root – especially when it is the result of someone else’s mistreatment.  so much of the symptoms we have as a result feel only specific to us, we can forget what triggered it all, or “created” it in the first place.  this is not to blame the other, or to take away from the importance of self directed learning, healing – it is just a reminder.

our conversation yesterday reminded me that – it was never about anyone else but her.  how mean, how rude, how terrible, how evil.

but as per your point, she flipped and flopped on what was important to her  – important to “make me” and so it was an endless hamster wheel of seeking.  seek others, okay check, now seek myself, okay check, okay now back to others —ok.

seemingly okay – not realizing that this is not compatible with normal mental health, behavior, or stability.  we are not superhuman, I am not SCC.  It is no achievement to be this way, just foolish, and exhausting.  It is slavery if you will.  Enslaved by an outward approach to life.

I’ve said this before, my parents now feel like a distant memory – and even my sister.  But the goo remains.  The sticky stuff.  I work on it day in and day out, like its my job – in fact it IS my real job.  My other job feels quite secondary, as that does not require nearly as much mindful observation, it has become second nature.

healing can not be second nature, or else we drift into the same patterns over and over, and wondering why.   I now have taken the reigns into my own hands.

The work this month, is not seeking to help, in fact not seeking at all, just doing no harm.

So far so good.  I gave you one example – with my husband the other day.  I gave you an alternate example, not picking up the phone the other day – which was in a way not “helping” aka entertaining aka engaging with a friend.  In a way that would be a disservice to me, perhaps helping someone else, and unhelping myself and partner.

I no longer feel that this healing path is lonely, for sure, it is a path that many/most will not understand.  But keeping people along the way that no longer fit – such as N – the user — does NOT take away from loneliness.  It is an illusion.  It is just baggage, extra weight to drag around, while I embark on a path of going up a mountain, and that person pulls you down at your ankles.  While I decide to take a dip into the beautiful crystal blue water, and that person pouts in the background to stay indoors.

Well I don’t want to stay indoors, so if you do – great.  See you later, or perhaps never.