Did you have a better childhood than your mother’s?

Absolutely not.  In fact, my mother spent so much time glamorizing and glorifying her perfect childhood to us that it was a deep space of sadness for my sister and I. We often felt that this wonderful beautiful childhood that my mother experienced no longer exist, and we are destined to a negative childhood. childhood where neighbors don’t talk to each other, people are not family, and then there is no love in the world. Sure times are changing, there is a difference between the United States and other countries. And of course many people do have these gripes of the fact that the human touch is no longer as existent given modernism and technology. But at the ripe age of five or eight or whatever why w so burdened with such thoughts and such sadness. Because once again my mother‘s voice   When I look back at my childhood all I can see is sadness. Whether it was feeling sadness for my mother who is suffering for all the after mentioned reasons above due to her husband and family. Sadness for feeling lonely, and feeling like I was born into this life of only of us because as my mother said that is our bad luck. And just sadness in general because there was always a sense of unease, that what we had was not good enough, such as we are on this amazing Disney World trip but there is something missing everyone else is happy but we are not because we are not lucky to have what they have. So all in all know my childhood in fact would be described as very terrible. At the age of 32 now it almost feels weird to say that Because as you know I have been repressing these truths for all these years. I wasn’t hiding them because I was embarrassed I truly did not know that. Not to mention the fact that my mother made it very evident that we were never supposed to show anything bad about our life we were always supposed to make everyone think we had a perfect life and even try to be jealous of us, this behavior of hers came into play later when I was closer to adolescence. But of course that’s what sticks.

Do you have a better life than your mother?

What a simple but difficult question. My knee-jerk reaction is to say yes of course I do, I have the independence to live where I want, Mary who I want to, the educated and successful in my own right. Of course I have a better life, for she moved here to give me this opportunity so that I would have a better life. This is an innate response that perhaps many immigrant children have, and it is definitely the knee-jerk response for me. But knowing what I know over the last two weeks with our conversations and really letting all that sink in. Do I have a better life than my mother?

Sure I can be at a five-star luxury hotel, I do medical conference, be on awonderful date with wonderful man. What does it all matter because I have suffered mental torture from the day I was born. What does anything matter what are you are rich or poor, uneducated  or educated an immigrant or —not if your baseline self never feels at ease.  My sister has touched on this, and your response was on point. I suffer from insomnia, headaches, chronic muscle tension and of resent over the last year and again now deep feelings of despair anxiety and sadness. My mother sleeps fine every single night, she never has an ache or pain, she doesn’t have somatic manifestations of this anxiety because she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to really absorb or suffer in the way that my sister and I do. Do I want her to suffer in that way? No that’s not the point but to your question do I have a better life than my mother, I do not. I suffer to a greater extent and so many ways and just my daily breathing that she does not. I don’t have to validate and say well at least I wasn’t abuse the same way by my own  Family and husband. But you want to know something, I was abused by my own mother tell me what greater abuse then from your own mom?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Hello,

So if what she told me was untrue and what she taught me was untrue- then it was a lie. I can say that. And it is a reasonable deduction. But I can not feel it. When I say that to myself I don’t feel sad or angry or confused I feel nothing. I think this is because I am only beginning to see the truth and it will take time for it to sink in and truly un-numb.

So I pretty much studied hard, had dedication, motivation and all efforts in learning and being embedded in things that were untrue.

No wonder it is so overwhelming and difficult to see the truth. Because I spent my whole life training in this “field” (such as medical field) full of discipline and time and energy and respect all for something that is truly for lack of a better term: BS.

So now what?

hello was having issues posting all morning so I tested it out earlier.  Here is what I wrote to you after I read your morning post.

Good morning Anita,

Thank you for thinking of me early in your morning, I too have thought of you, and all you said since last night.  I did not post as I was working on some guided journaling.  I was able to reflect on what you said, and also find some more truths.  All of which point to exactly what you said.

I have been feeling differently since this last weekend, and since you and I have spoken more in depth of these truths and her abuse, and my true suffering (greater than HERS – what a concept).  I have been feeling as though my trauma and pain is stuck in my body (body aches, tension, headaches) and no amount of running, yoga, lifestyle changes will release it unless I work on “emotional trauma release.” What does that mean exactly?

Sounds to me it consists of first, allowing myself to even release. give myself permission to say: i don’t need to feel like a walking stress ball corpse everyday. why? because I am a human being put on this earth – and I deserve happiness just like anyone else (despite who I was born to).

“For you to not hold her responsible, while you are both alive, for what she did to you; to continue to submit to her abuse, is a violation of justice and a meaningless sacrifice of your life.”

-I never thought about this as a violation of justice, as you know I feel that this is “just my life.” Because I am born to this family, this mother, this is my burden to bear.  It is true, as a result there is a sacrifice of my life.  I am breathing and “functioning” but I am not living.  And I feel it boiling inside me recently – I feel this strong feeling that I want to explode – strong tension in my upper back, my body screaming.

I know I am getting closer Anita.  I am not there yet – but I am closer.

I was in a fellowship a year and a half ago, in a difficult field that requires a lot of focus.  I never allowed myself this focus, the fact that I am a good doctor now is a result of my ability to “push through” the emotional suffering and rise above and function. I had such bad headaches and neck pain that I had an MRI. I knew of course there wasn’t anything “wrong with me” but I just could not find relief.  My body was feeling all of the trauma to an extreme sense, some of the worst pains I have had in my life.  I thought this morning how everyday would be screaming on the phone and tears.  Then finally they got what they wanted (we got engaged and they were able to show off and throw a party) – but a day later it started again – about something else.

poor me.  yes I can say it – poor little me – I don’t deserve it.

I think about me in the next few years when I am ready to have children.  I have this visual: I am overall okay, but feeling sick and tired and fatigued.  My mother is either on the phone or at the bed side driving me so crazy I am in tears and having a severe migraine.  The nurse/or my husband has to ask her to leave for my health.  I see her go and I think, yes, but these are not guards in my life.  The nurse can ask her to go for now, but what about after when I am home, she will be back.

I then fast forward to having a child.  I have a puppy (that is not a human) but extremely smart and receptive to emotions – so I have a beginning understanding of what it is like to be a caretaker (but of course no where close).  I like to use my dog Bodhi (named for the Buddhist term Bodhi to find enlightenment) as a “pretend child” in my head as it is easier for me to conceptualize.

So I see this, young (human) Bodhi sees mom crying – he says mommy why are you always crying after you talk to grandma – I have no words.  Bodhi starts to absorb this behavior and find it to be normal.  Bodhi sees me have to go lay down all the time when grandma is over.  He hears me getting angry.  I snap at him when I am amidst an emotional breakdown.

This is what Bodhi sees.  This is who I am to him.  More importantly, he sees all this as normal.  This is his known.

That cannot be.

I go back to my real Bodhi, and I think what if I said to you – hey Bodhi why are you whining so much today, after all I rescued you from that bad place and gave you a 5 star home, aren’t you grateful?but mom i was just saying I don’t like this food that’s all —sure it’s just food to you, but other kids would be so happy to even have this experience.

Bodhi I brought you all the way to the park, and all you wanted to do is sit and not play with anyone? –but mom..I just didn’t feel like playing today….Oh you ungrateful child, mom had to rush home and do all this, and this is how you show appreciation?

you know Bodhi you used to run so fast and be so playful, everyone used to say wow Bodhi is the best at the park, he could be an athlete, what happened to you?! oh mom I dunno I don’t really like running anymore…  Well if you’re just going to be so lazy so young nothing good is going to happen to you, you better think about that…

Wow – it took me less than 1 minute to type all the above, it flowed from my fingers because this is mine and my sister’s real life…when I think about saying this to Bodhi I think: he’s a sweet little baby, and finding what he likes, and is developing his own self – I want to nurture that – not squash it with my personal misery.  It brings tears to my eyes!

So yes Anita – with my mother in my life, my future kids will be affected severely.

My husband said while we were away this weekend (exploring a place that we may move to) – he said he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take.  I said I am surprised (since reading a lot about what you wrote – and he knows about you and our talks) that he didn’t just “tell them off” a long time ago.  He says he thought about it so many times, but what would be the point.  If I don’t talk to my parents, they will harass my sister and drive her insane and inflict all on her – it’s all a lose lose…there’s no winning while they are alive.  i said even after they leave this earth (the mother voice) will be remain – but limiting or going NC as Anita says will at least begin the healing process.

what do you think about his comment about if I go NC they will then harm and harass my sister more?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Good morning Anita,

I too feel affection and appreciation towards you.  In fact there was a few hours yesterday due to technical difficulties we could not post, I thought to myself – I hope this doesn’t last long as talking to Anita has been such an important and precious part of my last few weeks (if not months)!

I have been doing more observations vs. judgement over the last few days, of myself, and of others.  I observe that my post above may look to an outsider or bystander as: “wow, this girl is coming to an awakening, she wants to be free and prioritize herself and say NO more abuse from parents.”

Sure – yes in theory.  But as I point out, I am by no means fully ready at this exact moment to make that decision. More on this below.

I notice that instead of my thoughts going in circles (rumination) – they have new wavelengths.  I visualize this as a circle with a small opening that goes elsewhere, perhaps an arrow – instead of a deep rooted spiral.  This arrow has led my thoughts to new places, unknowns.

-if my parents died suddenly, what would I feel?

–perhaps some strange relief to be honest, but the key point is here my natural tendency is to think this: i would feel sad because my parents lived a tortured life, and now they are gone before they had the chance to ever live happily, oh what a shame they died in vain, never experiencing joy or rising above all the afflictions.

to that person I say: that’s not my fault.  this may sound sad if written in a history novel, but in my life all the above has caused me is suffering. to the point that my life has been far worse than theirs.  i can mourn that individuals suffer, but I cannot feel guilty (or at  least work on trying not to – it will take time).  For it is not my responsibility that they never rose above and found happiness.  This makes sense to me if I outline it by tangible examples.

–my whole life the holidays were sad and lonely, fillled with, oh everyone else has better plans. as I got older we traveled and were always occupied so this wasn’t as apparent (but the hollowness was still there).  I grew up and found a man with such a giving and loving family that they opened their arms up to my parents and family for every holiday.  treating them like their own even prior to us being engaged or anything. buying gifts for my sister. the whole thing

what did my parents do? they insulted these people, treated them like garbage, showed off in front of their extended family, and acted superior.

well you know what – you no longer have relations with them.  there you go – all your life you were lonely during this time period, and I “found” you someone that will include you with open arms.  And all you did was spit on it and ruin it.  your misery during this time now forward is nothing but your own self sabotage.

this example leads me to realize that even without realizing – I always did try to bring them happiness, and fill their voids.  But as you pointed out months ago in one post – there is no pleasing a mother (parents) like this.  nothing will EVER be good enough. yes anita – I now know what you mean.  I truly do.

my father calls me yesterday to discuss a car registration (mundane normal topic) – and if anyone was listening it would be as normal as ever.  it’s moments like these that I have a temporary lapse thinking oh they can be ” normal sometimes.”

he then goes on to talk about our “move in the next 6 months” and is pointing out all the good things that are close to home (where I grew up).  what he is trying to do is play that game of persuasion without sounding pushy.  well I am far smarter, diplomatic, and astute than he – and I read right through it.  I said to myself, my husband and I will move where we want to, when we want to, based on our choices – this will have nothing to do with you.

I see that they know Cali Sister moved 2000 miles away, and don’t always focus on her coming back (perhaps they know she won’t) and I have always been the golden child, obsessive priority.

I see that they have no life.  I am their life.  I am their hobby.  If they happened to be busy with something else (plans, family members, travels) sure that is occupying – but that is all momentary.  In the grand scheme of things I am their life.  Understanding this is important because it goes back to my previous post, on how they would be when I have children.

I like that you pointed out to my sister and I that even the worst people, have some glimpses of “good qualities” or seemingly normal.  I must remind myself this whenever I find myself engaging in something that may not be classicially negative (such as talking about car registration).

I know that they are desperate, and expect me to be their savior from their miserable hollow lives.  I can not.

“Where should your loyalty be, whose well being is your responsibility? Your own. What a concept, isn’t it?”

Yes quite a concept, one I can not absorb in its entirety just yet.  It makes sense, but does not mean much just yet – but I know it will, I am close to it.

I have a feeling there will be a breakdown sometime soon, perhaps if we decide to move to another part of the country, and they sense that we are avoiding them.  perhaps this breakdown will not be for months, who knows.  it is only a matter of time.

I ask myself – am I waiting for some huge debacle to say no enough is enough? am i waiting to hit rock bottom yet AGAIN – before I can walk away.  I think so…I can’t say it sounds like a good idea from the outside from a reader, or someone like yourself.  But I know I am not ready just yet.

I do want to focus on some small victories however, as that is more attainable for me at the present moment.

-I do not feel the need to make a plan with them anytime in the near future.  They can sit with the uncertainty of when will we see them next (next month – 2 months – oh no when) — that’s fine.

-I do not feel the need to tell them any of our plans re: potential move locations.  we have been traveling and interviewing all over the country and will continue to do so through february.  I used to feel that if I was on a plane and traveling far they should at least know.  It’s my little secrete with my husband and a few others – and that suits me just fine.  No one’s opinions matter

-I do see what you mentioned about “protecting” my sister by keeping in touch with them. It is false.  There is no protecting from monsters.  whether you talk to them daily or never ,they are and always will be the same.  My sister  and they have a very very different relationship.  That is not up to me to mend, to protect, or change.  Also, continuing to harm myself is no good for anyone, myself or my close loved ones (such as my sister and husband) they –as you know in her posts –have suffered negativity from me when I have gone down dark paths due to my parents.  When I am ready to break away from the evil, it will be for me (and all else around will also benefit down the line).

-You may not know this per se, but my mother has put a tremendous emphasis on our Indian culture.  Which I loved, I speak 2 Indian languages, trained in classical dance, have a great appreciation for the food holidays etc.

but not only did she emphasize it – she taught us there was only one way – for example:

-oh your future husband doesn’t seem to speak the Indian language at home, his parents don’t have good culture (wow can I believe that I actually believed thus! the power this woman has over me in brainwashing)

-oh that part of the state/country etc doesn’t have a lot of Indian culture, you won’t be able to maintain it (which to me means that I MUST find Indian cultural activities in proximity to where I live or I am not doing a good job maintaining it) this is my JOB – and as you know I take my job very seriously

-children (of people in my generation such as my friends and cousins) don’t seem to have culture these days.  Your generation isn’t teaching them the language or values.  (to me means, wow i must do that when I do have kids because If i don’t it equals bad)

With the help of my husband I am seeing things a little differently.  Yes, I do value my culture and things like language ARE important to me, as is food, dance etc.  But I see that holding and gripping onto the above so tightly isn’t culture – it’s small minded control.  It’s narrow minded thinking in that only one way is good.  In fact, if “cultured Indian people” are so great – then why are you so evil mmom? did your culture that is so full of family values, and respect and all teach you to disrespect and abuse your daughters? is that culture?

i know and hope that over time I will develop my own sense of what culture and traditions mean to me.  I know it won’t be easy as I have been taught there is only one right way. But as you say – all they do is speak untruths.  If any of it was true, wouldn’t they be happy – and wouldn’t I…?