Dear Anita,

The neurons/ neuropathways are adjusted to respond to catastrophe, not to a casual everyday living.

yes, wow this does resonate with me.  What comes to mind?

• my mother forcing me to throw my father a “surprise” 60th bday party, so she could gloat how much her daughter loves her
  • from there feeling extreme emotions (so many – anger, rage, guilt, feeling trapped) just to gloss over
• calling the police and feeling
  • like there is nothing left, either this woman is commited and I am free of her, or my life is in misery, no way out

I can think of a few more, countless more – but do you know what it’s really about?

It is about almost frying out these neurons! These experiences have caused such severe and extreme emotions that they have literally electrocuted my circuitry.  These pathways now respond only to this severe emotion – and not to casual everyday life…yes.

So then what? Over time they can readjust once we remove trauma and slowly learn to adapt to “normal”?

Hello Anita,

I am in the process of finding a quality psychotherapist, a difficult feat – but  I am in the process, wish me luck.

The removing myself has helped tremendously.  Over the last week I have taken a look away from how much progress i have made.  I mean look at the example of N, I talked about it, ruminated about it for what 2 maybe 3 days – then was okay…the old me would have held onto that for much longer.  Seeing my ability to simply let things go “faster” shows me that my healing is in the right direction.

Yes, when I came home that day from yoga, the past was full force.  My mother was right there, spewing out fire.  Yes we did go for a ride.  And sure, even if this happens less often – it still happens.

Yoga has been helpful (overall) and I think honestly, more than anything, is spending wholesome alone time.  The time before yoga, not scheduling too much time with friends – only when I truly feel I want to.  Time to my thoughts.  Feeling okay and not fearful of this alone time.  I find myself sometimes thinking that this above all is where the true healing happens – sometimes I can literally feel it. I can feel my heart brewing growth.  I can (like when doing too many ab exercises – the last 2 your body shaking and quivering but knowing it is leading to strength)  at times I feel this sort of healing.  I do not take this for granted.

I do know that new changes, moves, jobs, people – do not always land us on the same perfect healing path.  I do know that there will be steps forward and back.  I also know, that I am doing the work – even in moments that it doesn’t feel like it.  I know I am doing the work.  I never cease doing the work.

Dear Anita,

you wrote:

One more thing: it is very important that you treat your husband respectfully at all times. Not only for his benefit but for yours

I understand. But what do you mean not only for his but mine….

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  I thought all evening about what you wrote.  About believing I am a good person.  I thought about it on the way to the subway, I pondered it.

Today on the subway I helped save someone’s life.  It was instant, and innate – and I was able to help her.  It is something I am trained to do.

Afterwards, after shaking off the adrenaline.  I thought to myself – and it was clear.  I do believe I am a good person (not because of the medical incident) but I do believe I have a truly good heart.  What has happened though is that I do not see clarity of this as I am too focused on the “bad” around me, and the poisoning that my trauma has led to.

By poisoning I mean that, I feel it is akin to this analogy:

A sweet puppy and the dog park that is quite friendly and playful, but approach him the wrong way – and bam – he goes for the throat.

The owner then says: oh he’s from the shelter, he has a lot of trauma.  Or oh, he’s had some bad experiences he’s easily riled up. Or oh he’s quick to pounce because he’s used to having to protect himself.

I feel like this is sort of me…

so back to the question, I do believe I am a good person DEEP down inside, if I look deep, if I access it – but this is overshadowed – it is overshadowed by the “badness” of the world and those around me, and overshadowed by my poisoning/hardening

dear Anita,

I was actually going to ask if you ever mistreated your husband.  I am glad to see that you have worked forward in no longer doing this.

The automatic reaction, yes.

They key thing you said here is trust in your own behavior.

This brings me back to your question, whether I believe I am a good person.  Well, also – do I trust that I react appropriately?

I do not trust this, not with my husband – and of course not, because I have not been.  With time and positive examples I know I can trust this.  The months prior to NYC (and my sister stuff) I DID trust that I have the capability to hold strong in any situation, respond appropriately, and NOT blow up.  I truly did feel confident about this.

That has gone by the wayside somewhat.  But knowing that not so long ago I was able to not only acquire this skill, but also TRUST it – I know it is there somewhere.  I know it is.

I will be honest, the interaction with my sister as soon as we just moved here, and how it took a lot out of my husband too – it really set us back – not to blame HER, but just to observe and say.

Your realization to me, that she was number 2, that I tackled number 1 (my parents) but number 2 was still pending – was life changing.

Yet, now there is always going to be the aftermath.  A feeling that there is recovery needed after the bomb.  That is what is happening right now, I feel it, and I know it.

This does not excuse mistreating my husband, never.  These are never events, they should not happen.  BUT I will say that I know this is not the start of a new pattern.  I know this.  I know that the pattern is not such, and that I will not continue to act this way.  I Know I have the ability not to.  I know it.

Dear Anita,

Do no harm, the first mantra of being a doctor.  It is the oath we take. How fitting. How quickly this gets clouded with peoples idea of what is “good” some of which is really good and some of which is ego driven.

Such as the “good” I thought I was doing for my sister, some of which felt like responsibility, some of which was not helpful at all, and some of which was plain harmful (for more than one party)

So do no harm.

And most importantly, do no harm to the good man you are living with, focus on that and that alone. Don’t try to do much good. Focus on not doing harm to him.

Don’t try to do too much good. Just focus on doing no harm.

Yes, simple.. Useful

Oh and as a side note I wanted to share,  I connected with a very good GYN, I told her my mood symptoms related to my cycle, and luckily she has had history in treating this.  She mentioned that she has seen good results with patients taking SSRIS during that week before the cycle (The hell week) with good results.  IF for the other 20 or so odd days the person is relatively “okay.”

I am going to try this approach. First of all, to see if truly it is only that time of the month I feel this way, and if it helps.  And also to assess how I am the rest of the month, if the necessity is there to medicate then or only when needed.