Dear Anita,

I realize during the year before my wedding (in fact remember that horrendous time where I went to India for wedding shopping) I recall you saying to desperately get off the “crazy train.” That terrible time that was the pinnacle of what is the devastation that is my mother.  I realize then I had not shared, as life was such a frenzy, that I was put on Lexapro (a newer SSRi that was made to counteract some symptoms of the older classes – zoloft is supposed to be well tolerated as well).  I tried this medication, and I truly can not recall a major difference good or bad.  BUT what a CRAZYYYY time to be “trying” a new med! IT is like climbing Mt. Everest and taking caffeine pills, and saying, oh the hike was still difficult – the pills were —hmm i dunno.

Anyway, since I did not have a poor experience with this medication (and only tried for about 6-8 months) i believe I will try it again.  I am excited – no – but it does feel like the logical next step.

Dear Anita,

i forgot to add. Given that I am an MD. I do not believe that doctors or psychologists in the mental health field have better experience and understanding of the types of issues that people like you and I face. I do believe yes SOME. In fact I believe that some people who have lived it and seen it and come out on the other side are the most incredible resources. Someone like yourself.

Now that does not mean all care and dependence can be on such a person. No they are a resource and a supporter. It is just a token of how complex this field is, how complex childhood trauma is, how only so few can understand the wounds a mother leaves behind – and the goo there after.

i feel lucky to have people in my life including you that can understand me. So lucky that I in fact do not seek more of this in the world. I do not go out there and say hey I want everyone or others to understand this. Which is quite freeing. I am content with those who understand me, not everyone has to. So the provider I find. I don’t expect the world. As I already have such great support. But that person can perhaps be a great assist in guiding treatment.

All in all what I mean to say is – someone like you, your wisdom, is worth their weight in gold, and others like yourself – no Harvard MD with millions of years of research could compare. Believe me 🙂 you are so very special!

Dear Anita,

okay I will explain a recent outburst. I had come home from yoga. I opened the door and he was there and asked, “hey if you’re tired I can order some food.” (As in it’s getting late for us to make something so why don’t you shower and relax and I can order something for us to eat)

i don’t say much but am in the shower then. Feeling anger rise up in me. I feel this rage. I start thinking – “order!!!” I spent an hour yesterday cooking food so we would have leftovers!!! I feel angry. I feel annoyed. I get out of the shower.  And I start exclaiming something along the lines of. “Look in the fridge. I didn’t spend all this time yesterday cooking so we would have to order today!!” (As a background I try to eat healthy and avoid ordering out during the week – I feel really strong about that and feel guilty if I eat out too much during the week as I feeel I should be eating healthier and can make great stuff at home, totally self imposed, my husband is happy with either).

So I am exclaiming this all. He says to me “oh well when I looked in the fridge I didn’t see the leftovers, so I was just saying this to help out.” As you can see total irrational anger on my part.

I start saying how I am tired. And it’s so hard to do it all. Go to work come home try to be Active like do yoga and also eat healthy. I am pretty much having a conversation with myself. Angrily. My husband is calm and says well you don’t have to do all that. I am happy to order food. And if you want to work part time you can we have talked about it.

I say no it’s not that. And it’s not. I was just full of anger.  Not because I work too much. Not because I’m forced to cook.  Not because my husband is FORCING me to order out. No none of it is true.

So then the conversation goes downhill. I start getting angrier and somehow it leads to how I had to live in CT (where we were before this move nyc) because of him and take a bad job. I am saying terrible things. They are spewing out before my brain can grasp them. Almost expertly so like a prosecutor on the stand that expertly jabs and hits the other party below the belt.

We moved to CT because he had taken a job there. During this time is when I was at my worst when I began to speak to you. I blamed him for everything I had no idea my mother was the root. I would complain daily about moving there because my mother would brainwash me. I would complain daily about my job. I would blame him for living there and about everything.  I used to terrorize my husband when I was having issues with my.mom and blame him. Saying oh if we didn’t live here it would be different. (Entirely untrue Anita. In fact my job wasn’t bad at all. And I enjoyed my time in beautiful CT we got a dog and I loved the nature and beauty). Anyway. This was below the belt. I saw his face. After over a year of terrorizing him about this I had finally stopped and now again an old jab. Blaming him for my time in CT (which as above wasn’t bad at all). It was pushing someone’s buttons just to hurt them. Just to be mean Anita. Just to be nasty.

He gets angry (now he does after all the torture over the 2 years he gets angry, when I first met him he remained calm and Coloected always, but the interaction with my poor treatment of him and my mother has changed him). He gets angry and says he needs to go for a walk. Starts changing into warm clothes.

I IMMEDIATELY see what I have done. But see it in the sense of – “oh I screwed up” but not in the sense of why did I say that and where did it come from. Like an uncontrollable fire emitting dragon. Spitting out fire and then looking – oh the person got burnt. Oops….

so I apologize. But it’s empty. Why? Because I am saying nonsense just to be mean. I start explaining again (same thing always) that I can’t control what I said. That I didn’t mean it. It’s like I have fighting gloves on for no reason.

He starts explaining to me that all he was doing was trying to help. He knows how much I love yoga and wanted me to take a nice shower after and havedood ready (hence the ordering). But all I did was scream that I spent all this time cooking And how dare I propose that idea.

He felt quite wounded about me bringing up CT and saying. Because of you I had to live in that place and take that horrible job. Blaming him about something that I had done day in and day out for a year. He was wounded that after I saw how much that affected him I would bring it up again. And Anita – it was like fire. It just came up. An expert fighter. (If I got paid to Jab him with anger I would do well).

It’s hard to explain to you but I’ll try. This stuff really takes a lot out of him now. It’s not just a small fight. It’s like this. Someone was beaten down and tortured for so long. So now they don’t have anything left in their tank. Now there’s just nothing left.

He mentioned that. He said I just don’t have anything left. I convinced him to not go for the walk. We are some food. No one had an appetite. And he was quite defeated for the rest of the night. Interesting how I always get headaches when I get super stressed. He never does. But nowadays I see him have the effects of stress I always did. It’s like im turning him into me. Asuffering person. I am. But I cause it. And feel like I can’t control it. So here we are.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

yes apart of me has become an abusive person. Maybe not just apart. I have become an abusive person to my husband. For many years now and it has not gotten better although there has been respite (after removing my mother) it is still there of course. Yes anger needs to hurt another person. Yes it does and it succeeds. To the rest of the world I often feel angry but sometimes small and wounded. Sometimes strong but tired Or often defeated and angry – angry and spiteful. This is not nearly as important as my anger projected out at my husband. Yes anger. Anger has no interest in solutions, anger is there to fight.

I am going to re read your response before replying further.

Dear Anita,

Good morning, I hope you are well.  I had a relaxing and calm weekend.  No side effects from the medication, and feeling quite “normal.”

I re read your post, I do believe that in the times that I am feeling “unlike” myself I have to do a much better job of creating space.  I think that prior to tracking my cycles and gaining understanding of such, I felt all the emotions were so erratic (which of course they can be when I am triggered on any given day) but overall I have found a cyclical pattern to a few (3-5) bad days per month.  I talked to my husband extensively about this as well this weekend, he is well aware of course.  And I do believe that with realizing when I need to take a breather or simply space away whether it be physical or walking away from a conversation – it could be a saving grace.

Now the issue is having such foresight. Anger over takes, and does not see ahead of itself, it is sudden and erratic and full of rage – so that will be the difficulty, and one I am focused on in a few weeks when perhaps I begin to feel like this again.

Separating completely from one another is not an option, as yes, the moments that are bad (such as the example i showed you) are quite bad – and triggering – yet, my husband and I both believe that there is so much good – and that I am working in the right direction with my emotions and anger.

I spent a good amount of time thinking about being medicated this weekend.  Feeling at times glad that I took the step, and other times feeling that I don’t like the idea of my body becoming dependent on a substance (I even avoid daily coffee for this reason).  I realize that at the end of the day it comes down to what you said best – needing some assistance and respite so I can heal.  If I can not feel stable and normal, I can not heal.  I can not take steps forward, for myself, and even more important with my husband.

Dear Anita,

Take your time.  IT is frigid cold here today – a nice day for a good book and blanket.  I was going to ask you if you had any good book recommendations.

I wanted to add – I notice (and I am not going to attribute this to 2 days of medication, I am just noting overall) that after I have pretty much taken major space from my sister, I can listen to other peoples problems without getting fully absorbed.  This has been quite difficult for me my whole life.  Of course it is much easier when they are acquaintances or even patients, who you do not have a personal history with.  But I am working on being a better listener.  So often before – I would find myself thinking about what to say to “help” more than listen.  Maybe I am at least 10% relinquishing that burden of feeling that I am responsible for how others feel, and that I truly have any part in it.

Last Friday I worked with a very difficult woman.  Huge ego, narcissistc, pushy, and bossy.  It was quite triggering, and this was the day I was feeling my lowest.  IT was the day that you also mentioned that you feel sad I am not doing well.  In fact, of course spending 10 hours working side by side with her did not help.  But as is life- we will come across these types – its inevitable.  It took me the rest of the evening to recover mentally from the experience.  This compounded with feeling super low, and deciding that I need to do something about it.

I do dread Fridays coming up with her now.  But I also on the second half of the day did something I seldom do – I stayed quiet.

I let her lead her show.  Her big ego wants to hold the reigns, and I realize that as long as it doesnt undermine me or my own patient care, she can gloat and enjoy her show all she wants.  It was very difficult for me to stay silent when she was being borderline rude, but speaking up didn’t change the situation – in fact with these types nothing you say or do will quell the situation.  distance is key.

that is what I will be working on this week Anita, staying silent when there is no need to add anything extra to the conversation.