Dear Anita,

I hope your leg feels like it is “going in the right direction.”

I realize I started speaking to you about my anxieties related to developing a business – but not necessarily bring up background.  There are many key elements of thought that were enforced in me as a child based on things my parents said, and things I saw – that factors into such feeling.

Many of this is related to the idea that “we aren’t lucky” like others.  Others (whether deserving or NOT) seem to get lucky and get the “good outcomes” yet, we aren’t so lucky.  This also I suppose ties in with the aspect of good is over “there” not here.  By definition.

Another aspect is seeing my father, a smart intelligent man, many times getting the “short hand of the stick” and the sentiment arose that no matter how smart and talented you are, others may get ahead – and we don’t.  perhaps because we aren’t lucky, perhaps we don’t have the “grit” and ruthless way of those who are business savvy.

this brings me to the next point.  There seems to be an ingrained sentiment of “good honest” people like myself don’t get ahead in the business world – but cunning ruthless do.  And this feels like a “shame” as it is not the best doctors/people who end up making their mark/finding success (whether it is financially, professionally, recognition, whatever it may be)

Dear Anita,

Good morning. Absolutely NO evidence of my mother as a good honest person.  So therefore, why would her thoughts or voice have any validity – correct? Delusions upon delusions.

Dear Anita,

Gooey stuff, so true – sticky, adhesive, clinging to every thought and moment.  It is nice to see clarity in between, ah ha moments where we find that we can break free of this.

A great thing I am noticing these days is that the “goo” is not really “me.” I used to have trouble differentiating this, even up to a few months ago.  Feeling that it was all one and the same.  There is no differentiation between myself and the mother voice in that life.

Now I know that in fact, the mother voice is a parasite that infects me – and that over time the virus can continue to shed, but I will either become immune to it, or perhaps be able to kill it off slowly but surely.

Dear Anita,

Mothers who are Parasites.

How figurative and NON fictional – you are absolutely right.

I like the part about “jumping into the newborn body” disappearing – would love for you to elaborate about that.

I am not doing so well.  I mentioned this briefly after coming back from vacation, that I have noticed a pattern with my moods and cycle (menstrual cycle).  Sorry if that is too much information.  It is not uncommon for women to have dips in moods, and irritability usually known as “pms” – however, there are more severe forms, in which the person truly suffers.  It is far from an annoyance and becomes true suffering.

I believe I fall into this pool.  I have tracking this for a few months, and find a cyclical spot on pattern.  At first this was comforting as at least I “knew” what to expect, and when – and it made some sense.  Given my background, it made biological sense due to hormone changes, and dips.  It does make sense.

However, since moving to NYC this has been quite severe.  This week has been quite bad, and I see that simply having awareness of what is going on in your body and mind are simply not enough.

It is one of those things that at time I have clarity and understand that I am not feeling or acting like “me.” And other times it is like being possessed by an anger raged fill monster.  I am angry, bitter, and full of resentment.

I do not believe that I can say this is not “me” entirely.  I know that I do have these emotions stuck inside me, and they are being processed, quite slowly. That when I feel them ebb away, they often come back – as is with healing.

But I do know that at this time – I am suffering.  The vision of my mother and father are far away, and these days so is my sister.  But still the suffering does not feel so different.  In a way Anita, it does feel that nothing changes.  And at times, I do feel that perhaps “monthly” or maybe even more often – this will always happen.  In fact, it is apart of who I am.

Some people have Diabetes, some others have Cancer.  Some others are plagued by mental illness, perhaps a “mental” cancer. I do believe this is a disease I will live with and suffer with.  And as much as it will ebb and flow – it will always be a burden to bear.

I am considering seeing a licensed professional soon.  Perhaps, all that I try, talk, and journal, speak to you, eat well, do yoga, try my very hardest – perhaps it is just not enough.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I feel sad too.  No, unfortunately I mean a psychiatrist.