Dear Anita,

I wonder if you did walk Friday, and Saturday,and today.  I wonder how your leg is feeling.  Sometimes it feels as though healing is lightning speed, oh how wonderful – and at the same time as slow as can be.  In any way it is a beauty how the body heals it self — it is visual so we can see it, and tangibly feel it.  When it comes to the mind, it is much easier to not “see” the healing that takes place.  And like anything else, sometimes things have to feel much worse before they get better – or maybe not “much worse” but different that’s for sure…

I have thought all weekend about my wellness center.  How to approach it, how to even begin speaking about it, so much to say, such a whirlwind of ideas. So much authentic passion, and drive – yet a fine line towards anxiety.

I will let this simmer and get back to you about my wellness center later this week.  This will motivate me to think of it (or the plan of it) in a more coherent way, which will help me understand my intentions, and also be able to better explain them to others.  As I have learned when an idea, plan, or choice comes from a place of frenzy or anxiety – it does not reap the same results as it does when it comes from a place of love and calm.  Of course it is not black and white.  But I know myself enough now, that there is more “negative” chaotic energy backing this idea, then calm confident energy.  Will it remain this way? I don’t think so.  I wonder what you will think.  We will loop back around to it.

I thought today about how so much is interesting.  I don’t want to use the word “sad” – oh how sad.  Or how ironic.  Nope, because self speech, and the speech we have about our own life, affects and in many ways even dictates the way we feel about our own self.  Small, scared, fragile, on the brink? Well, look deep – what is the dialogue you are telling yourself?

I feel like this often, I think.  Maybe a lot MORE often than I even realize, as it becomes innate.  Innate to self badger, innate to not self-lift.  How interesting (first use of the term) that we can be in charge of this.  And no, it is not made up.  It is not phony.  It is not “fake it till you make it.” It is simply just lack of self-judgement.

Today I went to a wonderful yoga class, and took a hot shower after.  The whole process took most of my late afternoon.  I seldom have this time, but more importantly MAKE this time.  Yes, I dedicated half my day to self care.  Oh how often I would wish for this time.  “oh if only I could spend half a day doing yoga, and relaxing.”  Oh how lucky other women seemed, those who had liberty to do such.  “oh I hope one day I can do that.”

So here I am today.  I did it. Didn’t I? Was it earth shattering? No.  But was it natural, or innate? No.

I think about how not 10 minutes would go by, that I would think oh I am relaxing.  Almost in a surprise way, like wait – did I forget to worry about that thing.  It is hard to explain, but It is like catching yourself off guard.

“forgetting to worry”

So then you quickly snap back, oh right, THAT’s what I am supposed to worry about…and then again, find yourself unplugged not worried, and self reminder.

How interesting this internal watch is.  Watching me, saying – hey you, remember you’re supposed to be DOING something.  Like a mother voice telling a child…don’t forget to pick up after yourself – while the child is immersed in play.  Yes, a lot like that.  Except, the child likely doesn’t think much of it at a tender age, but as an adult – we can be snapped out of the pleasant experience we are having.

Yes, the anxiety voice, and the mother voice, aims to do that.  It is the enemy of quiet.  It is the enemy of “NOT-doing”

This voice reminds you who you “are” – the woman who constantly thinks about something day in and day out.  Reminds you that is “you” and your “duty.” Reminds you to not get side tracked and step away from this mental grip.

How interesting, that they say with practice, that this voice can become distant.  That relaxing becomes easier, just as something such as say running.  That to commit to an activity, even one of NON-doing takes practice.  After all, like you say, it is rewiring of the neuropathways.

So how interesting, that your whole life you want those moments.  Of serenity, of time.  Of solace, and self care.  Yet, they aren’t exactly what they seem from the outside.  They aren’t perfectly still and quiet.  But hopefully with time, and protection, these moments will separate from the voices, and become their own.

Dear Anita,

A center with all in it! Oh, how I want this.  I feel quite overwhelmed with the prospect.

2.5 mile walk! Anita – that is a long ways with a hurting leg! Does it throb today? How does it look? How does it feel? Twice the time, it humbles us doesn’t it – when we see the true way our limbs serve us, mind and body.

So as far as the wellness center goes, so much negative frenzy in the brain:

the true things that go through my brain constantly, here’s the stream of consciousness without filter:

• others can manage this, but why can’t i – some of them aren’t even passionate or caring about patients, just great business people
• god, how unfair, the people who actually have the spirit and true authenticity and honest care for patients don’t “succeed” and it’s those phony people who get popular
• gosh, I feel so exhausted, how would I even begin to think of such a venture…what a shame, my talent and passion will go to waste. someone like me could do so well with this concept, an help so many! I am MADE to do this – sigh…

Dear Anita,

These sound wonderful, so much so that i can visualize it, and myself with a radiant smile.  i see it! i do!

But what about the thoughts, and the anxiety? What about the fact that it feels “others” “get away” with achieving these goals, but someone who “should” will not..

oh sounds familiar doesn’t it..

Dear Anita,

When I said “familiar” I meant the mother voice.

“oh look how talented my daughter is, but the other girl got famous she didn’t”

“oh look how much we have, and those people who don’t care, they get away with getting all that.”

In this case it is like this – for broad example’s sake:

There’s a girl, let’s say Emily, she’s talented young and passionate, she authentically wants to sing and enrich the lives of others.  But taylor never makes it, every year there are plenty of people who continue to surpass her and make their mark on the world, many of whom don’t have nearly the same talent or authenticity that she does.  Sigh, what a shame.  Emily never did make it did she.  She has so much potential, yet look at these others who “got away” with rising above, many of them phony!