Dear Anita,

Good morning. Thank you for summarizing in your last post. Many different topics covered, and one central theme.

You wrote:

We keep experiencing our past in the present time, and so, this is how we can know what happened then.

How true! This morning what I take from this is the following: the past is not merely the past – it is also the present. It is about the patterns, it is about the reactions. Life continues to happen today, presenting similar patterns, presenting similar reactions as it did in the past. Observation continues to happen. Humanity continues to show many of the same characteristics as what I experienced as a child.  I continue to show this. The difference is that now, I have the liberty to observe. I am not just immersed, I have clarity. I can observe. I may not feel different, as of course I have a lifetime of patterns that have been deeply been enmeshed in me, but yet I do have the liberty to observe. An example is my interaction over the weekend about the clothing and the mother-in-law. I will say that if I saw this interaction just two years ago, I might have thought differently. I might have thought -wow look how patient that daughter-in-law is with her mother, how sweet. I might have thought, oh wow look atThis elderly lady so interested in fashion. I might not have seen any of it as negative, i don’t know. in fact I might have just seen it as simple or sad. Now that I have the clarity of what I know, I can observe different scenarios around me in my life, and that of others. See it for what it is, as you said the past Also occurs in present day.

I sometimes get so fixated on being able to truly feel my past.  To truly process it. But  Based on our conversation this weekend I realize that it is not just digging back to the old, so much of the old still happens in present day. I have the ability to change my interactions, patterns, and baseline state in each and every moment in the present. In the now. Simply by noticing. I do not have to climb back into my childhood and search like an archaeologist for fossils trying to undo old patterns. No, not only does this sound daunting, it might not be as feasible as it sounds like it may be.   In fact, Anita, I feel much lighter knowing that so much of my progress of “undoing” the bad patterns from my childhood can truly be done NOW in present day by observing and being aware of the life around me now. Because I experience the past in present time

Most of the insight regarding the past is available now because the past keeps being reactivated in the present. 

It feels comforting that it is available now. I don’t have to look far. It is here. I don’t have to seek. I can let that sink in. I can sink in and savor present day life and know that the insight of the past is here. As is the insight of the new things today.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

thank you. I do love to write.

Today I feel something different. I feel something light and free. I am saying this because I am journaling, not because I am making an exclamation of a change.  I am merely observing.  Today I had a day off, to myself. Unlike previous days off in my life, this was one to really rest, sink and savor. I woke up in the normal way, mentally searching for and focusing on my tasks. After I went through one or two of them, I was faced with just myself.  I observed how I felt. I felt fearful. It felt difficult to simply relax and feel comfortable and happy. I pushed a little further and asked myself why, the answer I got was the following. It seems too simple and easy just to relax and enjoy this day off. Perhaps it feels like if I do, I am missing something, or that the other shoe will drop.

So I asked myself what is the point of today? The point of the day is to be. Whether I am climbing a mountain, performing cardiac surgery, or simply sitting on my couch. It is all living. It is all valid. To live a day well spent I don’t have to prove anything, I don’t have to validate my day to someone else or more importantly myself. My day can be just that, it can be personal to me. How comforting this can be, to wake up and live however I want, just to live this day for its OWN self.  as is. Most importantly, this day does not have to be intertwined with yesterday and tomorrow. It is a standalone time. This day does not have to be a tool to prepare for tomorrow or the next week or month. It could simply be today. Based on our prior conversation, this day does not need to be dedicated to learning about the past. As there are lessons in just living today. Oh yes simply living and breathing today is learning.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

how are you doing today? I am well.

Since we last spoke I have lived by what I last wrote about. I have done a lot of observing. Working and going through my days but observing nevertheless.

I notice that those on the path can often feel isolated. That although you may have the support of many, it is seldom that someone understands your emotional awareness, personal growth.

I dealt with this a few months ago feeling quite frustrated with this aspect of things. Interestingly my husband brought up last night how he feels quite disconnected from many of his friends. It is a combination of is being very busy, going through all the emotional trauma and turmoil that was this past year or two, and lastly the emotional journey. He too has become englightened in many ways through dealing with all of this – having to deal with the emotional havoc of my mother, of me being brainwashed by her and being abusive towards him, then be gaining clarity and making changes, and now healing.

I was able to support him yesterday as I know how he feels. Interesting – I no longer feel this way. I do not feel so isolated as I don’t care so much about others as I used to. I am quite absorbed with the path and the few who understand it. I see this change in me.

Yet I do see he is hurting. He mentioned that all growth is painful, and he knows he is growing. This is quite astute. I do want to be there for him and help him feel loved, less isolated, and hopefully slowly like his old self

Yes my journey is solo and My own. Something I am proud of. >I wanted to add more about friendships.  My husband and I have been fortunate to have a large number of friends. Yet, this is not by accident.  We both were social, caring, conscientious friends to people growing up, and thus attracted many friendships. When we came together our circle grew. We as a couple are collectively a fun loving well liked pair with an abundant network.
<">He and I spoke about our similarities.  He mentioned that he was often the organizer, and the central person.  Making sure he made time for friends, meet ups, and organizing get togethers.
“>He said to me, now it sometimes feels like if I don’t initiate I would hardly hear from a lot of those people. He also said how nowadays he is way too exhausted to put in all that effort – and wishes itcould be more organic, to have friends that are in a simple mindset…it does get harder as we get oldeR
“>I realize we are very similar.  I have explained my friendships to you in the past.  I was always “the friend of the year” trying and keeping in touch and making sure everyone was okay.  I did feel like my husband about a year or so ago- thought – wow if i stop trying who is left.  I do see it different now, but that is because I am on the path.  My life is the path.

>But back to him, it gotme thinking – friendships do change – and sometimes it can feel hurtful.  For example we are going to a wedding next weekend – my husband is one of the groomsmen.  This is a close friend of his from medical school.  At our wedding this guy did a speech and everything.  However, over the last year my husband and he drifted apart some.  Now this guy is going to marry a girl who is quite moody.  I’ll go ahead and even say she is uncomfortable around me, because of who I am versus who she is.  I do think she is intimidated to a point – but I am nothing but nice.  IN many wayss she is stuck in the high school ways of thinking.  She has even been outright rude to me in the past at an event.  I know a lot of te reason my husband’s friend isn’t as close to him anymore is because I do know his soon to be wife is threatened by me.  I am not saying this because  I am arrogant or amazing, it is because I simply know, and I have seen enough to be aware of such.
Stuff like this simply happens.  Everyone grows in different ways. And it shows us that friends and people are ever changing. As are we. I myself have let go of many friendships over this year that were not serving my path.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

i an feeling tired this afternoon doing a commute to nyc, how are you.

About this girl – I will get back to you on her. Her wedding is next week, I won’t be spending much one on one time with her – but I am sure I will observe plenty. More on that sort of topic later.

I teresting you mentioned that we can not own another. I especially like your term deep respect. This is opposite of what my mother taught me. She did not teach me to respect differences as her or OUR Ways was superior. It was terrible planning a wedding with her, and given that I was brainwashed it led me to be quite controlling of my husband’s opinions. Just a year ago I would have said no that’s wrong or this is right. Or instead of saying that directly would have found myself upset and disappointed when things didn’t go the “right” way. What way is that?! The way my mother brainwashed me into thinking is right.

But the thing with mothers like these is – the goal posts are always moving. Nothing is ever enough. You said this quite early on over a year ago. All is done in vain, as it is like feeding a bottomless pit. If today X is the goal, tomorrow it’s Y. You achieve X and say look what I did! And she says oh X doesn’t mean much anyway – Y is what counts. So now you must chase the next thing. How exhausting, terrible, and down right abusive.

So today I am on the train right now – and I notice some tension just because. Why? Well it is baseline. So I scan through all the things I could be stressed about in this moment or evening. Wow couldn’t find much this time! Well that’s nice. I know it will take time and practice to alter the baseline completely. But I do notice changes. I notice today I am enjoying my own company. I am heading there solo to do some errands and I feel quite at peace for this alone time. Alone amongst a world of chaos in this city, yet solitude and peace nevertheless. I feel good in my skin. I feel happy with the individual I am. The maturity I have. The grown over just the last few months. I feel brave. I am strong. I am unique. I am healthy and whole – and learning every day.