Dear Anita,

Happy Sunday.  The weekend is winding down, and so are many of my thoughts.  I intentionally took some time from writing to you over the last week.  This is because, I want to practice to sink and savor many of my initial thoughts.  Of recent, I have had a lot more space for new thoughts and observations.  It is very like me to jump to analyze them, or solidify them in my head.  But I have been doing a better job of observing.  It is interesting which ones stick, and which ones float on by.  I see that if I am able to practice this in my head, I am also better at thinking before speaking – and hopefully acting too (with time).  Thoughts before speech before action.  What a ripple effect.  Even more so, interesting how practice with one thought, holding it and not reacting, can translate into less impulse later in the day (with something entirely different).  It is that the practice – period – translates into more stillness, even if the topics or context is not the same.

For example, if I pause before answering a friend who is communicating at a time that is not ideal for me — I also am better later in the day to say pause before SPEAKING when someone is explaining themselves.  Perhaps the idea of pause can translate throughout the day.  One thing however is that it is quite deliberate.  I now over time things can become more “natural” or second nature.

One thought that has continued with me throughout the weekend is this:

First – Why do I have an obsession with communicating with others/sharing with others?

Yes, I have become less social overall – yet I am still in contact with some great close friends, one in particular we speak daily.  It is kind of irrelevant who she is or much about her, because this is based on my end.  So, I always have had this feeling that if something great was happening, I had to share it with a good friend (or sister, or mom back then).  It made the experience more full, fun, and enriched.  I have seen over time and recently, that often I did this because I felt that sharing that experience made it more valid.  Such as sending pictures of a nice night out, versus being able to share it on my own just me and my husband.  Sharing details about a day the following morning, versus just sitting with them and savoring them, just me.  The list goes on but I assume you get my gist.  In thesis, the need to communicate versus sit still. What are your thoughts?

Next, I have touched on this a month ago.  The obsession with people’s lives.  Now this is not obsession of wanting their life, or jealousy.  No not at all.  It is more based on the outward focus vs inward on me.  Here’s an example.  My friend S will tell me that this weekend is a big weekend for her, as her boyfriend is meeting the family.  I am so excited when I get this text.  I stop in my tracks and in my brain to respond to her.  Fine.  And so far this is being a good friend.  But then I find myself thinking about it throughout the day.  I bring it up to my husband or say my sister.  Sure, once again, I am a great empathetic friend – but I notice that I do not like this quality much in me anymore.  I notice that I have a good radar for balance these days, and this quality is off balance.  It is one thing to be great at being responsive and supportive.  But I take it to the next level, it is almost like my thoughts will revolve around that person’s news to a point, even though I am going about my day.  I would much rather be focused on my day and have the boundary of being supportive and excited for my friend and thats it.  I observe that I bring up my friends a lot to other people, husband, sister, or other good friends.  Yes once again because I am an innately social, compassionate, friendly person with a vast friend circle – yes.  But I don’t see others doing this AS much.  I know this is because they are (for the most part) more centered in their OWN lives.  G is not at work thinking about whether S had a good first date last night.  No G is at work thinking about her work or her own life, but if S calls her later, she can be attentive to her at that time.  G doesn’t think about S date 3 times throughout the day.  G doesn’t find herself telling others “oh my best friend is on a first date today I am so glad for her.” Frankly G doesn’t think this much about S all day.  Because G has her own life.  G has her self (and life) as the focus of her mind.  This, Anita, is what it is.  (clearly I am not G – and am quite the opposite)

This one (this last quality) is one I have thought about ALL weekend.  It has helped that I am better about creating boundaries about when to respond to friends.  It is almost like if I left myself get carried away, and be “natural” my whole day may turn into talking to one person or another.  I want to curtail that now.  And with that comes the over thinking about their day.  So if I am in the above example not G, but M.  M thinks about S all day, but she hasn’t responded to her phone calls, so there is less for her to get distracted by.  She is already baseline distracted and focused on others, so answering calls and texts right now will make that worse.  Another example is that I can be with my husband, and have a great time, but still find ways to constantly think about what’s going on in friends lives. it’s almost to a level that a mother can’t stop thinking about her infant no matter where she is! It is almost like I can’t leave it at home.  This is regardless of what it is,whether they have good new or bad news.  And once again, none of it out of envy.  It is more like focusing on them, versus just focusing on me!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

You too are the only person in my life who understands the observations, the journey and the intricacies big and small. This is why when I write to you I am observing, processing, analyzing, and learning all at the same time. What a blessing it is to have someone to do that with. Thank you. It is the highest form of communication.

I understand what you wrote completely. The best part of which is that there is a central theme. The quick shift of focus from myself to the other. To the mother. To the danger. I see this a direct need to relate and focus on her above all. Above myself. Always. This doesn’t change when she’s gone. Instead of her – others fill that role. But isn’t it interesting that I don’t do that for the people who actually matter? Not my husband. The fact that I am making him a priority during this journey is deliberate. If I went with natural – my focus would shift from myself (AND HIM) to people who are far less important. Why do you think that is?

I think it may be because I consider him an extension of me, so it’s easy to “take him for granted” and push that priority to the side. More important is the focus on the other person the danger. Focusing on what’s in front of me (my own life and a loving husband) is equal to enjoying myself at Disney authentically as a child. But taking the focus away from my husband to then worry about my mom (or friend) is attending to my mother.

Dear Anita,

I am pondering this, and it is not my fear of messing up.  In fact I “mess up” all the time without fear.  In fact I always did tend to mistreat my husband and not make him a priority as I should have before all of my awareness.

My thought is this.  When children are raised in these environments, they do not learn self respect, self love, or self trust.  In my case, my mother not only did not teach me that, she taught me the opposite, love others, trust others, and focus on others.

Others does not include my husband,  others includes practically everyone and everything that is not relevant or important.

An example is my bridal shower last summer, my mother immediately went on a rant about how my aunt cancelled last minute.  It didn’t end there it turned into a meltdown of why people always do this to us. when we told her the focus should not be on the aunt but on me (the bride) it turned into a meltdown of how we are all against her and that she might as well cancel the wedding.

one example, many themes.  Point is – look at others first.  Instantly and quickly take the focus of herself onto what others do.  Similarly on my end: my focus went from (wait did I enjoy this bridal shower?) to instantly attending to my psychotic mother.  Oh wow the bridal shower passed me by, I forgot it even happened sometimes — and the theme continues.

I have this pattern with my husband sometimes.  I know I have many “learned” patterns from my mother.

For example’s sake, if my husband and I are taking a walk, and he points out a buillding I will look and say oh thats nice.  If a second later a get a text (or say run into a friend) that shows me a picture of a house – I will go on and on about it.

My friend’s conversation has precedence over my husbands.  And this could be no matter who the “other” person is.

It’s that theme of – focus on others, not on what I have.  Focusing inward would be to appreciate what I have and what my life is (which includes my husband).  I have had this same pattern with my first boyfriend as well.  Focus on peripheral people way more than the important person in my life.  To the point of mistreating and taking the main person for granted.

In Disney world we were taught opposite of appreciation for that moment, we were taught contempt for our moment, and focus on the moment others were having.

My mother also taught us that the world is bad.  She taught us that we are unlucky, that people use each other.  She ironically made it a point to go out in the world and find good things (for all the wrong reasons), but at the same time, never appreciate them, and be satisfied.  Satisfaction – what is that? Contentment?

Dear Anita,

You wrote: ” If there is no danger there, there is no danger to occupy your attention. ”

yes! this is definitely a large component of my mental state.  I will move away from my husband and generalize it.  My mother always made it a big point to be in awe of people who had a lot of self respect, those who stood their ground, did not “falter.” She put these people or concepts on a pedestal, and made it seem unattainable.  It was “oh look how strong they are” not like us.

This translates like many things into diminished self-trust/validation, but more on that later.  Often times, these types were adored by me and I did feel danger.  Danger of annoying them, not being seen as worthy by them, not being able to meet their standards.  When it comes to say a boyfriend or a husband.  I am positive that if I was with a guy that reacted this way, I would have constant fear – and that would be a downward spiral.

My current situation is that of no fear as you pointed out.  Thus my focus does not go there.  It remains on the external “fears.” Some of which may not even be fears anymore, correct? It is just that the fear based living always quickly focused my attention from me to them, so now it does even if there is nothing to fear – it is true habit.

My husband as an extension of me…let me try to explain this.

When I wrote this I wanted to touch upon the concept of self love, versus outward focus.  To me, for me to love and prioritize my husband I have to value him.  I was not raised to value what I have.  Therefore I was not raised to feel full in my own life.  Thus I was taught that I (and what is in my life) is not enough – there is always more out there.

My husband is not out there.  He is with me.  He is not some “enigmatic perfect match.” If he was, or was that concept, I would obsess over it day and night.  Which I often did in my 20s – obsess over if I will find a good guy.  But when I did meet one, him, I quickly began to not value him  – and this goes along with what you wrote – it was safe, not a place of fear.  There I was onto the next focus.

My mother was always so quick to take her own family (us) for granted no matter what.  As you wrote so long ago, all sacrifices for her were in vain.  Nothing will ever be enough.  In a way I do have that quality when it comes to my husband.  All he does was over looked because I was too busy looking elsewhere.

My husband is not an other.  When my focus quickly shifts from my self (life) to outside of it, due to fear – he is not part of it.

I view him innately as a given, not something that has to be nurtured, given extra care, or respected.  Just like I don’t have to give my own self that self care and love, I don’t to him.  I don’t nurture what is me and mine.  I don’t respect or protect it.  I feel quite BLIND to it.  I have moments when I will realize how lucky I am to have his unconditional love and support, and I feel quite dissociated  from feeling of true GRATEFULNESS OR APPRECIATION.  No, I do not really feel this truly.  It feels kind of like nothing, like I can say the words wow he is amazing I am so lucky, and appreciate it, etc etc – but feel they are just words.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Amazing, this is exactly correct. I was having trouble processing this – and as you outlined, it is two fold.  There is not just one danger, the danger that is omnipresent, there are other dangers as well.

You  wrote about two reasons operating together:

1) “your husband, unlike your mother, is calm, reliable, dependable, sane, consistently on your side, safe.” yes this is why I do not  instinctively attend to him as I would a “dangerous” unstable being like my mother.  Yes all animals do focus on danger.

It is interesting that now my focus is on others, when danger isn’t even present -and that is why  part 2 of your  explanation is key – this is the part that missing in my understanding yesterday.

2) You chase their approval and inclusion of you because safety is in being one of them.

Yes safety is being THEM.  THEM does not include myself, my husband, sister, people closest to me.  No, it includes others.  In regards to my husband – I think this is what I was trying to get at when I said he is an extension of me.  Because there is US and there is THEM.

Yes Anita, when I prioritize JUST him and I. I feel fear.  I feel that something is missing, that I should be doing more.  This is because I feel that SAFETY is being them – not just US (husband and I).  SAFETY is focusing on THEM (not just us).

I think with time, when I actively and deliberately make efforts to not compulsively seek THEM out, I will learn that SAFETY is HERE.  In fact is ONLY truly HERE  (with us – him and I).  Do you agree?

This is something I know in my mind as the correct theory – but not in my neuropathways – not in my innate state.

Dear Anita,

I will let the following sink and savor.  Thank you for enlightening my understanding of this:

• Slowly, gradually, you will challenge this false core belief that safety is with strangers out there and abandon it.
•  there was no safety in the family unit with her. So it was tempting to believe indeed that safety is someplace, over there,  with those people.