Dear Anita,

i too am starting to see if I change my role with my sister it will help her too. It will enable her to form her own wings and not have any dependent mind set.

More importantly, even within the one day I have told her this – I feel lighter. Yes I do feel guilty and she hasn’t responded. I do think some time apart and not speaking is important. She is currently staying with my parents and whether one may realize it or not, the energy of my parents will be absorbed by her and so if I speak to her I am essentially getting that mom energy back. Which I don’t want.

I recall a long time ago you mentioned your full time job, your sole job is to heal. I didn’t get it. When I thought about it the picture that came to mind would be a patient in a psych hospital. Unable to do anything but may there and “heal.” Now I see it differently.

It is not so much about how functional we are, it is more about what the truth is.

Right now I am great at work, it is outside of work where I suffered. Where I found my mind wasn’t settled and I felt stuck and no relief.

It didn’t seem I had to make changes to my life – as I thought I already had. But the amount of discipline (perhaps the word) or self directed ness it requires to create an environment of healing is incredible. If for the person eating lunch after 2 triggers them to get anxiety. Then so be it. They can prevent that. If picking up any phone call after 6 pm doesn’t allow their mind to shut down before sleep, so be it. Whatever it may be is VALID. It must be accepted by the person fully in order to create the appropriate environment. For me It isn’t that I have to live in a cocoon – it is that if I choose that right now this is my full time job and I truly don’t want to engage with anyone (besides husband) on a deeper level – it makes sense. I am so incredibly depleted that OF course I need a protected asylum of sorts.

So yes I will maintain this protection. It is working Anita – already! Yesterday for the first time in a long time I was able to take a nap? Why? Because I was able to relax both my mind and body naturally! What an advancement. I had no conversations with anyone after work and it was brilliant. So why should I ever during this time If I don’t need to? No reason at all

Dear Anita,

yes and I realize this is a solo journey in many ways. As much as support is incredible (my husband) you, perhaps a therapist – the mindfulness is the key aspect and that is solo.

Therefore I do realize that feeling that I can help another in this is not truly feasible. Nor should I seek help from others. I found my socialization in the last month was at times seeking some sort of solace. It never worked. Of course it didn’t. The only time I have succeeded in feeling any bit of relief, which is yesterday and today – was from self directed thoughts processes congruent with reality. Like you said – the truth will set me free

Dear Anita,

99 percent of people are in the way. When we accept that we can realize that there is no where to go but within. Instead of finding frustration with others – we should seek them less – on this journey. That is not lonely, it is a more wholesome and direct way to hear your own self, and not be distracted by the voice of others. This way your voice speaks loud and clear above all else!

Dear Anita,

Hello I hope you had a good weekend.  I did a good job of not being distracted by others, and hearing my own voice.  It feels good to see this.

Another thing that has helped me recently is: speaking my truth.

I realize that the small cover ups we tell our own selves and others can keep us holding onto false beliefs.  If we cover it up to others we may be covering it up to ourselves.

As you we spoke about, I do not feel this is something I want to broadcast to everyone.  Many individuals don’t understand what it takes to have to “let go” of your parents – the amount of trauma, hardship, and bravery one endures.

yet, I notice that speaking my truth is important, to those that matter.

For example I was speaking to a nurse today at work, who I am personal friends with to a point.  She was mentioning something about her mother in law being intrusive.  Instead of just listening, I stated, that I understand what it is like to deal with an intrusive parent – it can be toxic and exhausting.  Yes, it was not much information, but the act of saying it out loud to someone that  I would usually just nod along with – was quite liberating.

similarly, I am finding that with those I am comfortable with – I can admit that I am not say “just relaxing.” I am processing some things and enjoying some alone time.  I can admit it to others that will understand. 

Instead of just saying to a friend oh yes the wedding was a blur, I can admit out loud “I hardly remember my bridal shower because my mom complained the whole ride home.”  if it tis a close or best friend – I can have the liberty to be honest.  if I am honest with close people, I am honest with myself.

it feels good to not feel I have to “cover up” this secret of my mother.  its not a secret.  mothers like her often threaten children with things such as “keep it just between family!” make sure you don’t say anything.

they don’t want their true image to be leaked.  and sure it is not everyones business – but I can be honest with myself and those close to me – now..

Dear Anita,

i like that you are drawn to this:

the truth shall set you free.

I never understood it until it was used here by you. Thank you for elucidating this for me. A common phrase that was meaningless to me prior.

Speaking my truth is not only writing it here. Speaking with my husband, hearing it in my head. Speaking my truth is speaking it always beyond all odds, not covering up. Sure this does not mean speak it to anyone and everyone. But it does mean that I am allowed to be honest if the opportunity arises.

It makes it real. It validates what I have been through, but more importantly the Incredible healing that must occur now and over time.

Speaking the truth sets me free from her. It does not create angst. It does not create resentment. It will differentiate my story from hers. Because as I know now my story is not hers. It is my own

Dear Anita,

One week ago I wrote, speaking the truth sets me free from her – and that I have my own story.

Incredible what perspective can do.  If I had read this even just 2 weeks ago I would have focused on the exterior, the physical.  That a story consists of what people do.  What they eat, who they talk to, where they go.  Sure, in many ways it does.

But more importantly, a story consists of the inner dialogue of your mind. 

Over the last 2 weeks I did struggle,  I was physically ill, and had to recover, and this also brought my mental state to a distressed place.  Or vice versa, I was mentally struggling, and my immune system was at an all time low, I was prone to breaking down physically and mentally.  I admire this, and respect this.  Our bodies know when to shut down, when to say enough is enough.  Please allow me to sink and savor.  So I did, I had to.

I learned many things, and most of which are through observation – NOT doing.  In fact, as above, the idea of a story is truly a change of perspective, to appreciate your OWN story, it may not involve a new physical path at all.

To form your “own” story which is a “new” story – it may not involve, new habits, people, jobs, locations.  No.  Sure many of those things may help.  Many of those things can be cleansing, but yet, if your perspective remains the same, it does not matter how many new exterior changes you have.

On the flip side, to develop my own “new” story for myself, it does not mean a life of ascetism.  This is not only not possible long term for the majority of the population, it would  be depleting. We are sensient beings requiring a variety of different interactions to feed our souls.  And that is okay.  That is more okay.

What is not okay however, is to go through the motions on the outside, but not have your mind follow along.

See over this weekend, I had many interactions that were just like a few years ago when I was quite social.  We went out with friends, we went to a reception, a family event.  A fun filled weekend with celebration, family and friends.

Yet, 2-3 weeks ago I would have dreaded such a weekend.  Why? Because I realize I worried that I would be there in body, but not in mind.  I would be going through the motions and not be able to enjoy myself.  I would actually get more annoyed that I should be enjoying myself at these types of events, and that I couldn’t – that I could not un-numb.

Un-numbing seemed like such an elusive concept.  How do people do it? Do they quit their jobs and feel all day? Do they take medications? Do they exercise a lot more to release inner turmoil? Do they talk to a therapist to uncover old trauma?

Yes and no.

Un-numbing comes from me.  And only me.  I can un-numb.  I have the tools and power, in me, and only me.  Everything else is just an adjunct.

I have been successful in finally feeling – something.  No my journey is not to heal overnight, it is to see progress.  So that is what I see.  I was able to enjoy a reception fully, and be truly happy for the couple.  How often I didn’t do this before, although on the outside it was fun and laughter.  I did not realize, that I would also compare prior.  See others happy, and think why don’t I have that….hmmm let me pick at all that is wrong in my life and find a solution.  Let me create more mental work for myself.  Because this is all I know how to do.

Mental work, mental turmoil, mental torture.

That’s all I was raised with. Why would you go to a wedding and observe and feel joy? No, you watch them and resent them, why? Well good question – for any reason that comes to mind.

I was taught  to always place negative, resenting emotion onto anything and everything.  So of course I was never truly enjoying or feeling!  I always did think I was.

Then I went from that, to where I was now, numb.

I thought to myself – oh I used to feel, what happened.  Well I didn’t.  Everything I used to do was a lie.  My feelings and ideas of joy were tainted.  It was never authentic, it was never whole.

Now, even to sip a cup of tea, and not have a bad thought for 10 seconds is an accomplishment.  That is more joy than years of living in my mother’s story.  Not in my own.

It is amazing to see that my own story, starts  with only me, and nothing on the outside may have to seemingly change.

Yes I have made many changes in my life, certain people I choose not to interact with.  I do not over burden myself with activity.  I do not seek constant socialization at the risk of never spending time alone.  I try not to escape myself.

Yes, and this is very important.  But yet, I can do the same thing I did 10 years ago, but feel different now – what a concept.

This reception I went to on Saturday, was for a wonderful couple that my husband and I truly enjoy.  Even so, 1-2 years ago if I was there I would have had thoughts that were very different:

-oh look at them, they seem so happy, it is because they have it so easy

-oh how nice it must be to focus on simple things, must be easy for them

-look see in their culture they don’t have to worry about parents as much,  must be nice to have this evening about them

-people like this don’t realize how easy and good they have it, how small their world must be

all of these comments or thoughts above I realize have a central theme.  I would have thought these things because i was simply unhappy and resentful in my own life.

Here I was being mentally tortured day in and day out by my mother, without knowing it.  And then during my own wedding, more blatantly, to my awareness.  Yet, my idea of whether it was wrong did not change.  The abuse worsened but I accepted it.   Instead of squashing her, I squashed myself.  The more I squashed myself the more hatred I had in my heart, for the world, for myself. Abuse bred more abuse.  I became self abusive in my personal language and to others as well – whether in thoughts or speech.

Which brings me to my next topic – the power of self talk.

As you said Anita, the truth will set me free.  Oh how true this is.  But not just truth spoken to others, to my own self.

I have been more observant about the language that I speak to my own self.  I have tried to be less harsh and self critical in my own self talk.  This is harder for me to explain, so I can talk about how I have tried to be less impulsive in when I speak to others.  Never did I realize that even the words we say during casual small talk can have an impact on our own self.  It all reflects back on me.

For example, neighbors in the elevator (strangers – new residents) asked us yesterday if the cafe they were going to was a good idea.  My immediate first thought is no, it is over rated.  But I stopped myself.  No need to spew negativity first always.

I said something like, I personally didn’t find it lived up to the reviews, but there were definitely a few good items.

Sigh – see.  It wasn’t just spurt out without thinking negative..  It was thought out, and constructive..

In other ways, I have tried to be a better listener.  I notice that when I speak (most) people are great listeners.  Surprisingly this is whether I talk about something interesting or not.  I notice this quality in humans, and realize because it is polite and respectful.  I was not raised to be polite and respectful.  I was raised to be self centered and to “get my word heard.”

And where did that get me? Did it win me the nobel prize in speech? Of course not! All it led to was a lot of inner turmoil, poor listening skills, and difficulty with patience.  Roaring like a lion does not make you power strong and powerful.  There are many calm and intelligent animals in the jungle who probably live a nice self focused life, without having to roar their ugly heads all day!

Which reminds me – I am not a master of the animal kingdom, but I notice that.  My affinity would be to a lion, like many people.  Strong, powerful, able to control.

Yet, I am now after all these years able to appreciate the other side.  Say a beautiful swan.  Poised, pensive, and floating on its own.  Now what is so bad about that? Sure the swan does not control the kingdom with her fear factor.  But she also does not have the worry and burden to do so! It is not HER responsibility to hunt and terrorize.  She can float right along.

So what is so bad about that?

Dear Anita,

good morning! Lioness to Swan. I love it!

even saying it out loud gives me the imagery of going from aggressive to calm and sweet.

Also – what does the lion gain from all this aggression power and control but more burden and feeling of necessity. On the other hand the swan (in theory) can float without as much responsibility. She can be mindful and inward focused!