Dear Anita,

To add. My whole life I went out of the way to extend myself. To think on behalf of others. Sure some may say well that’s what I chose to do. But I didn’t choose anything. The role I played as an adult was formed as a child. Was from my mother. She didn’t have appropriate mother abities and did not think appropriately for herself. So as I grew older and more intelligent for her and for myself. Thus I always thought about how other people should be living their life. Well it doesn’t end there. This “habit” edyrned to others. I am always overly interested in what my friends are going through and overly concerned about their issues. Almost like an obsession. Unable to disconnect. This isn’t altruism. This is an addiction. An addiction my mom placed. Something that she made me think was vital to be a good human. Help fix her. Well I can’t fix her. I can’t fix anyone. First of all I can hardly fix myself. The more connected I am with all of you the less I am with me. So it’s not my duty.

I am not a super friend. It’s more that I am super obsessed with being involved. Because my life was based on others. My worth was based on others. My mother taught me that my life is nothing unless it is about others. She taught me not to respect my sole self but only in relation to what is around it. What is associated with it. Well respect is a baseline. With or without things attached. That’s it. Respect is no strings attached.

Dear Anita,

Enjoy your time away. I will continue to post when something arises.

I felt a good release after I posted above. A small little feeling of letting that control go. I’m not sure if it will stick – time will tell and practice makes perfect.

I find myself annoyed at myself when I over share or get over involved. But I am looking at the root. And above I wrote of my feeling to not be this way now.

The root is my mother and then my sister. It doesn’t matter why. Why is irrelevant when the action creates harm. But here I was always thinking for my sister. Even parenting an inadequate mother. And then my sister. A helpless child that had the role of victim for many years. Someone who felt that all she had was me. How much pressure. Who cares why. It’s too much and not possible for one person to take that all on. The energy of both are draining. My sister has improved tremendously for which I am going. But she is not a well adjusted girl given her upbringing. She still doesn’t know her place in the world and does not have very many strong relationships of her own. This creates a feeling of me to overcompensate for that and be that person for her. I am slowly starting to see she is fine. She can handle her own. I don’t need to be her sounding board or advice giver. She can learn from her own mistakes.

She is showing improvement which is good.

So on the note of my previous posts. My mom taught me not only focus on others but to be overly involved with them. When you are overly involved you also invite more annoyance. You find yourself hearing about things that can be bothersome and then they’ll also have opinions about my life. Why let them? They’re not worthy. Most people aren’t. How many times have I been social with someone out of habit (an old friend I no longer have anything in common with) just to be annoyed at the conversation or her opinion. So why talk at all? Out of fear of losing that friend. That’s not even a friend it’s a random stranger you used to know.

The value of others is based on what I want. I don’t want to value others so much. They don’t need my help. So I don’t have to offer it. With close people sure I’m always there. That’s it.

So I don’t want to answer your question with a thoughtful response always. I want to just be like okay great. Or fine. Maybe I don’t want to say anything at all. Why? Because what you’re talking about isn’t really interesting. Because what you’re talking about is annoying. And I am allowed to choose if I wanna engage.

That’s it. To engage or not to engage is up to me. It doesn’t dictate how i value friendships. It doesn’t dictate how i value myself. No. It doesn’t dictate how my future is either. By trying extra doesn’t prevent “loss” in the future. Who the heck made up that?! My stupid mother – well look how that worked out for her. She had no one and never will because she’s miserable and unlovable.

So why would I follow advice from a know it all who had nothing at all? Wow. Everything she taught me is wrong. If it is right it just happens to be right in the universe. Even a wrong clock is correct twicE a day.

I find myself still ever so slightly protecting certain things I grew up thinking. Some of which are because I believe them. And some of which are habit. An example is focus on good home cooked Indian cooking as being a very healthy cuisine. Sure yes made appropriately it is healthy. But this isn’t some profound think my mom taught me. She’s not a cooking god. This is something that is known in my culture and in the western world as well. And she hardly cooked! As we got older she made it a point that she didn’t have to cook because my dad brought home food all the time. So therefore she was priveleged. But yet touting the benefits of great home cooked meals! You can’t have both woman! What a hypocrite. Feeding us leftovers and showing off you’re lucky you don’t have to do much but forcing understanding of food culture. So I only focus on one part. But I must bring my brain back to both. The reality that I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with good home cooked Indian food after the age of 12. And my mom was all talk. Say that out loud. The more I don’t the more I believe the lie. She was a master liar and fed us lies and we spoke those to ourselves and others. I think j still do.

Next time I think about good. Indian food. I shouldn’t think yes I was taught this is good for you. I should think – I know nothing about it. My mom taught me nothing valuable. Yes I would love to learn about it now on my own and with the help of good authentic people who have the knowledge about it. Not a liar.

I want to reprogram my memories. Not Just focus on one part.

I have value for the fact that I speak 2 languages equally fluently. English and my native language. But – what came with that. My mother’s extreme judgement of other kids who don’t. Her feeling that since she did such a good job as a mother doing that she didn’t have to do other things ?!you can’t pick and choose what qualities to give to a child and then Pat yourself on the back. She didn’t pick and choose she did nothing.

Anything of value I learned is just by chance. That’s it.