Dear Anita,

So many key words in this post.  I will put them here and digest. Sink and savor.

1) It is about calmly choosing, not being compelled

2) uncompromising authenticity, the real-thing.

3) equanimity, not force.

Dear Anita,

I hope you are having a good time away from your computer.  I let myself savor some of the above terms, but not fully.  When I create space to do so, I appreciate and let it sink in that much deeper.  Here goes.

1) It is about calmly choosing, not being compelled

• to me this read as going with innate, versus “should.” It is picking the path that feels natural, versus the path that should be chosen.  It is allowing something to unfold versus forcing it to come undone..  On that note
• It is quite common for us to want another person to open up, or a situation to present itself – for things to unfold. Yet, often they do at their own time, which can be much “slower” than anticipated.  Thus we feel we can have a role in exposing the element.  This may be poking and prodding until we get our answer, a result, or most importantly “an authentic response.”
• Ironic that at an authentic response can not by nature be arrived at un-authentically — yet we still try we poke and prod
• The end result is never hastened in this way.  Nope. In fact it is most often inhibited, or lost, or worse destroyed
  • how interesting, to push something to go down the path you “want it to” does not make it go down that way at all.  In fact it may go the other way, or simply stand..still.

2) uncompromising authenticity, the real-thing.

• this journey of mine requires uncompromising authenticity.  to me this means being my true self, but first knowing my true self.  it is of utmost importance to understand who is truly me.  Given that my mother has had such a strong, pivotal, and central role in my psyche it is often hard to differentiate what is her and what is me.  Of course this can be delineated in small examples.  Do I even like that movie? Or do I like it because mom convinced us it was the best, and thus I feel I do?
  • Yet, this can become even more dangerous when it leads to self destruction.  Which it does on even a daily basis.
  • Not going home because it is not good use of “enjoying the weather” and instead spending time with colleagues.
    • this by definition shows that the definition of “enjoying” can vary from person to person, from day to day, and from time to time.  And that is okay.  I, and any other person, have the ability and right to define things for myself.  Whether it be what I enjoy, and how i enjoy it.
    • If in that moment it does not seem that the idea of socializing would be enjoyable, so be it.
  • This is self trust, this is self reliance, this is self protection
    • having the faith and confidence that what you choose for your own-self is fine, okay, and
      • If I choose based on what feels right to me, I can rest assured it is the correct decision. it always is.

3) equanimity, not force.

• I can’t say I have much experience with the term equanimity, but it sure does sound good. Even saying the word out loud has a sense of cool, calm, collectedness
• the dictionary defines it as: mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper
  • I have this ability, we all have this ability. I’ll go as far as to say I often choose to over-write this state, and go to a much more “productive, important, and relevant” state – the state, and country of anxiety
  • Now why does the state of anxiety seem more “fitting?” Because it goes with the times.  Everything is a buzz, shouldn’t I be? Everyone is frenzied, shouldn’t I be? My mother is stressed, so of course I am.  This is a stressful time in my house, so of course I am anxious.  It is fitting to be so, isn’t it? I mean why wouldn’t I be if all that around me is such a way?
  • But what about when all around you Isn’t such a way? Does your relevant state change? No, unfortunately, I hate to break it to you – your state has become your natural state, your daily, your YOU.
  • So how to go back from here? To me this reads as, go back to the definition.  We have the ability for mental calmness, but we over-rode it with our big computer like brain for something far more productive and tuned in.  Yet, we tried it over and over, and no good came of it.  Unfortunately the off switch is broken though…
  • So If i go back to the definition, I see that this anxious state isn’t fitting at all now, is it? I tried it.  It didn’t work.  In fact, it caused more problems.  So perhaps I do not have to over ride my nice calm disposition (when it does arrive).
  • Perhaps the opposite of anxiety is not unproductive/lazy/uninterested.  The opposite of anxiety is calm.
    • And if I have the ability for calm, and equanimity (before I put my efforts into over-riding) than I can stick to it.  Stick to it.  Don’t press zoom or fast forward.  Stick to the normal speed, the normal path, the natural way, the calm way.  There is no where to go.  There is nothing to force.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I met a licensed psychotherapist yesterday.  I have thought about the idea of formal therapy with a licensed professional throughout my life.  There  were times I even went to visit a school counselor, or someone of that sort.  But it was always fleeting, and I did not really find it was something I wanted to commit to.

I feel I am at a point now where I have tremendous knowledge and insight (which is continuing to grow of course). Yet, I am at a road block, a plateau.  As you say, this here now is the real work.  With all I have done on my own, and the support of others around me (such as yourself), the next step is to possibly one day feel better.  I see that my road block is this – I have tremendous emotional pain that is repressed, and extreme difficulty releasing it.  In fact, I do not believe it can be released, as it has become my baseline state.  I hope over time, I can slowly begin to release.

I know we spoke about in the past about the concept of numbing.  And continuing certain patterns perpetuates the numbing.

I notice how when I talk about my last conversation with my mother – the hurtful things she says don’t make me sad.  Her words: when we found out we were having you, we should have had an abortion, makes others wince.  Yet, I say out loud, well that’s nothing – it’s been a lifetime of such.  But what I realize is that this is all painful, just not manifesting in the way of “sadness, tears, etc.” Oh how sometimes I hope it would.  I feel a release when I feel sad, or when I cry.  Instead my baseline is anxious, and fearful.

It is stuck like concrete.  As you say all of the years of having this defense mechanism, I no longer know how to just “feel.”

I found recently that I feel myself angry/annoyed when I see people experiencing joy easily.  What I mean is that, I was speaking to a close friend, who has a new relationship..  She was happy and exuberant and in love when she spoke about it.  I found after I felt worse, and uneasy..  I noticed that it is not that I am jealous of her relationship or anything about her life.  It is that  I am envious that she is able to enjoy this part of her life.  I too, recall having a wonderful beginning courtship with my husband – but I do not recall true joy.  I recall often thinking like the (TDW) the disney world example.  I feel envious that people can enjoy.  People can appreciate.  They can be excited and happy..  I can not.

Dear Anita,

tbank you and yes I intend to ask directed questions. I interestingly have anxiety about meeting a psychotherapist that is not on the same “wavelength.” Given that I am not going to someone in the sense of “Hello I have no idea what’s wrong with me help.” But instead insight and ability to communicate my issues, it is that much more important to find a right fit. I hope I do. Wish me luck. I met someone yesterday, and I am meeting someone tomorrow. I must have patience as choosing this person is an important decision and perhaps long term relationship.

You wrote: The most accessible feeling for the very anxious is anger. Seems like every other feeling, maybe even anger, will simply destroy us, that we can not endure it. There is a felt belief that a feeling in itself is dangerous.

– interesting.  If feeling itself is dangerous, that must be why we (i avoid it). Why is it perceived this way? Is this what happens over time with cause and battering that we then begin to believe that feeling anything at all is too painful and dangerous? It is true the only accessible feeling I have is anger. Sure I “enjoy” a nice yoga class, being in the sun, a good meal. Sure. I have the ability to know what I like and don’t like etc. All of that. But it is not true feeling. It is almost like it is thought vs feeling.

The ultimate purpose after all is to feel good. Pay attention to your breathing, right now, if you will. Is it constricted? Relax it. How does it feel?

My breathing is constricted. My breathing is always constricted. So much so that I don’t realise it is, because I don’t have the liberty of having nice easy breathing. This is how I feel. Sometimes when I try to relax it, it feels worse. And foeced, tighter.

Going with that Anita, aside from inability to feel true joy. My other theme is this: inability to feel relief. You know the idea of a “big sigh of relief.” That aaah feeling. A let down almost. Nope never feel it. Like you have stress all day for a certain phone call or test and when it’s finally over you think sigh, what a relief. Nope, see I never feel relief. It is always the same. Tight, feeling. How nice it would be to sigh a sigh of relief.

Dear Anita,

Well explained thank you. In regards to the last part of your post, how does one: anxiety re-attach it, so to speak, to the original danger. Whether it be in psychotherapy, etc, in your opinion how does one begin to attempt to do that