Dear Anita,

I will post again today, as this is something I mean to write about over last week – but never got the chance.

I wanted to reflect on my journey thus far.  Because well – if I don’t who will? Progress is never truly apparent unless we look back and see the difference.  Thus, I owe myself this, because I want to.  So here is my reflection.

• inwardness
  • I have done a better job about focusing on myself, and small family of my husband, myself, and wonderful dog.  I notice that I never focused on what I HAD before, and of course more of what was lacking or missing.  This is of course related to the Disney world, TDW example.  Almost everything is.  I find it is so incredible how injurious that can be.  For example I am sitting outside right now on this lazy summer day.  And I can say to myself ” wow what a day to have alone time” and smile.  Or say the same thing and frown.  Whether having alone time is positive or negative is deeply based on my wiring.  I am slowly starting to re-wire to enjoy time that is not always about other people.  It is a tough balance to be social, but also remain inward focus – it will be an ongoing journey
• my husband
  • I have done a much better job over the last few months, in making him a priority.  By this i mean mentally.  It wasn’t that i was running off and doing things without him, it was that I did not put him first in my brain – as he did me.  This was entirely related to the space that my mother occupied in my brain.  I can not say that as soon as I stopped talking to her, this space magically opened up and was available for others.  No, as you have pointed out, that was just the beginning of the hard work.  Because of my deep wiring to worry and look outward (as above) it doesn’t matter if my mother is in my life or not – because the wiring is there.  Yet, I have done a better job of protecting my energy for my husband.  Not always projecting my anxiety onto him, and most importantly thinking first –which brings me to my next
• thinking before speaking/doing
  • I have always had issues with this.  This issue has not disappeared, I am just more aware.  I realize I often talk to fill in blanks and voids, out of anxiety.  Since my brain is continuously firing, I sometimes exhibit this outward ” firing.” If my brain is more relaxed and less frenzied, so is my speech..  Makes sense…I noticed this past weekend, that I don’t always have to add a comment to a conversation.  Especially when it does not include me.  I tried this out yesterday, and found an interaction with a certain individual was much easier because it was more my listening and her talking. Often this can be the case, especially when you are in a conversation you may not want to be in fully. On the other hand, when speaking with people you do love, thinking before speaking can be instrumental in being a good listener.  I notice that I often struggle with this as I am overwhelmed with the need to “help” and “give” and talk –  but sometimes the other person only needs a good listen.
  • I find this important with both loved ones, and acquaintances, and strangers.  Often if I feel tired or drained from a conversation with an individual, I can look back and think about HOW much I offered to it.  Many times not needed.  Going back to this individual yesterday, I was speaking to a woman who was quite boastful and delusional.  I noticed that once I just started listening, and not adding it was easier.  I didn’t need to comment on what she was saying.  I didn’t need to defend what i was saying.  I didn’t need to do much of anything at all.
  • Prior I may have thought In order to be appropriately “in” a conversation I need to add as well.  This is not always thee case, and I can pick and choose when I want to.  The choice of who I add more with, and who I simply listen more with – is simply with me.  Not adding can be so relaxing at times! I hope to continue more practice in this.
• Absorbing the energy of others
  • I have touched on this before, I consider myself a sponge for the energy of those around me.  This has been effective in my ability to be relatable to many people throughout my life, and extremely intuitive and compassionate. However, over the last year or so – it has led to much distress.  Over the last few months, I “notice” the energy of others around me.  I can not say this deters me from absorbing it, as that is a process that happens without me realizing.  Yet, I do notice.  We are around so many people in life, and what they’re putting out into the world is about them – not about you.  If it is anxiety, insecurity, uneasiness, it is their inner struggle being exhibited.  I don’t have to carry their baggage for them.  It is not helpful for them, or for myself.  Given that I carried my mother’s baggage around her my whole life (without realizing it was baggage – thinking that was just what daughters do) – It is innate for me to do so.  To quell the uneasiness in others, to try to “take on” some of it for them, without even knowing it.  It takes self trust to say (to yourself) I am sorry you aren’t feeling so great, but I am just fine.  I am sorry this individual in front of me is exerting energy that is not positive, I hope they find their way – but it is not my job, it is not up to me.  I can protect my energy.  I must protect my energy.

Dear Anita,

I am  glad you will be away from the computer for the next few days, I hope you take the time to relax, enjoy the weather, and have fun.  What a treat it is to unplug.  An active, deliberate, and ever so enjoyable treat.

I spoke with a mentor today, that I connected with randomly – fate! We spoke for over an hour about the importance of boundaries in both work and personal life.  I don’t know too many details about her life of recent,and vice versa, but it appears based on general conversation that we both have had a great degree of soul searching over the last year or so, and have thus CHOSEN to lead, now, deliberate lives full of active positive choices.  How many keywords in that sentence, how many of those get thrown around these days, in books, articles, social media – without a blink of an eye.  Deliberate, positive, active choices, intention, live with purpose, and the list goes on.  These sorts of terms used to wash over me.  And many times they still do – if they are heard in mass communication, or from a source that does not seem authentic.  Just rambling.  However, when I speak of it of my own self, or of loved ones, and it comes from a place I trust – ME – I do absorb it.  Therefore, if I live it, and then I speak it – I trust it – more than I would if it came from someone else.  This is self trust – or at least the beginning of it.

Self trust in the sense that I can remind myself of these above terms, as they are actively finding a place in my life, in my day to day.  I practice what I preach, and so what I say to my own-self is trustworthy.  This may not be common in today’s world -and that’s a shame for those individuals.  However, over there, in my own world, I speak truth.

Sometimes, so much so that it leads to anxiety and even paranoia.  Anxiety may seem to one’s self as honesty.  An honest look at yourself and saying, well you may not know the whole picture..sure.  Well maybe it won’t work out and you’ll be disappointed…sure.  Well maybe you don’t have what it takes…sure.  Maybe if you try you’ll fail…sure.  These are all sures, maybes, perhaps.  These are not gospel.  They are what ifs.  They are anxiety.

If self trust  is to prevail, anxiety must be conquered.   Or at least begin to be looked at as something that is a hindrance.  Not the gospel, purely a hindrance.  A fallacy, a hurdle.

Self trust means going right to go home because intuitively you need the alone time.  Anxiety says, well if you skip out on this event you may regret  it.  Where to go – you’re at the crossroads..

Self trust is right.  Why? Because that is gospel.  It is the trust.  It is self protection.  The self knows what the self needs, if you let it.  If you trust it.

Now if every time you go with self trust, and don’t find success, and this and that – is it to be blamed.  No. Never.

Because first of all, what if you went with anxiety, to the left – do you truly think that you in that case would have instead found this “success” – I believe not.  In fact your road would have been a great degree more tumultuous and unpleasant.

If you go to the right, with the direction of self trust, you will always be true to yourself.  And if you are true to yourself, you are truly living, and what could be a greater purpose in life, than to truly live.

Dear Anita,

Happy 4th of July.

I processed what you wrote earlier: “I learned, from repeated experience, that every time I learn something new it is seeing more of what I saw yesterday.”

–from this I gather that it is an additive experience, this path.  Not unlike our medical training.  If we see something totally off the grid, we learn this new method, it does not do away with our primary method we learned, it simply adds more, expands the scope.  Thus, we are more versatile, learned, and able.

“It is not seeing something in place of what I saw yesterday, invalidating it, but it is seeing more.”

–I used to think this way.  Before I truly grasped all that I was dealing with. (during the preliminary times I posted and was unable to see the reality which is my mother, and all of its consequences) I used to spend a great deal of time and effort judging what I learned.  A lot of “oh I think this now instead” or “now this is the right way.” What I have learned now is that this is all ever evolving. We see clearer as we live further..  What is clear now was not before, not due to blindness or apathy – but due to the fact that perhaps time and experience had to occur in order to allow for more clarity.  There is no judgement in what we “used to know” for we know more and more now, and will continue to.  We may learn and feel things that are entirely different than what we used to think.  Allow it. Embrace it.

Something interesting just happened to me.  I am working on developing a website and spent a majority of today reading, browsing, getting a lay of the land (internet land that is).  At times I felt great and empowered – woo! At other times I felt overwhelmed and discouraged – wow how many versions of what I want to do are out there already – gosh! All in all, I am pretty mentally drained, but glad to have put some efforts into the above today.

I was on one website builder, and went through the images, and searched “happy” to see if their images embodied the “spirit” I was looking for on my homepage.  Well up popped these images of women, men, and kids, laughing, smiling, eating ice cream, and all.  I looked at one of them and thought – wow that looks like me, the smile and all….Then I thought – wait….I searched “happy” – this picture popped up – it resembles me – therefore…am I “happy.”

Wow – I guess I am.  Interesting, when it can be seen simply as a search term and subsequent smiling picture can embody “happy.” So if thats the case, I am happy, aren’t I… and why not – why shouldn’t I be!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your response.  In today’s world I find that people are sometimes very aware of “others” and sometimes not.  It all depends on the person.  But after a great degree of self reflection, I realized what drives me. 

What will drive my wellness company is my authenticity.  There may be others, hundreds of others, but what I am promoting is what I embody in my own life, mind body wellness, achieved through self learning. 

Thus, if I start worrying about others, like in any business (restaurants, services, etc) you will never begin.  Have the confidence that you are great for what you are promoting, and see where it goes. 

I hope to take this approach.

In regards to this website, I did know of many many other, and still come across them in my reading.  However, what set this apart was the authenticity of Lori the creator.  And what keeps me plugged in, is of course YOU! What a perfect example, honesty, authenticity and great connection is what its about.  It works for me, and makes me happy – and hope I can provide the same for others one day!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the support. And it is true, to me it does not what other websites are out there like tiny Buddha, because on this one I “met” you, and that has been such a wonderful addition to my life.  Something I am deeply grateful for.  It enlightens my life.

How have you been?

Dear Anita,

I am glad you made it back safely too – – wow how brave of you! I am sure it was incredible to be that immersed in real nature, daunting and incredible at the same time.  I have not ever had such a camping trip, but throughout my travels have been immersed in nature.  I recall feeling in those moments, that wow, despite all that goes on in our heads – the world goes round.  Nature continues the cycle of life, things thrive, things die.  The world keeps moving forward.  We can too.

Dear Anita;

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

So many key words in this post.  I will put them here and digest. Sink and savor.

1) It is about calmly choosing, not being compelled

2) uncompromising authenticity, the real-thing.

3) equanimity, not force.