Dear Anita,

What a joy it is to see your post first thing in the morning! What a pleasure. For that I am lucky to have someone like you to have deep incredible conversation with!

Dear Anita,

i have many thoughts I would like to write to you this morning but not the time to sit down and write them out. I shall later. One thing I do want to say this morning is: the concept of surrendering to one self.

I had my first glimpse of what this means yesterday. To me it is defined as self acceptance to the next level. It is looking in the mirror and saying I accept you, and I surrender – self- to you. Tell me what you need – and I shall surrender.

Perhaps surrender is not the right word- but something along those lines.

Dear Anita,

yes, surrender is the word that came to mind yesterday – and thus it is the right word. Surrender: allow, accept, give in. Those terms don’t do it justice.

What I mean is in a way give up. To let go. Give up what? The fight. The struggle the fight to keep going and trying. Surrender. Let it be. Let it flow. Give up the active. Active effort in every breath no more – let go

Now an outsider may read this and find it disturbing or disheartening. As surrender may have the connotation of giving in to something, to even failing. This is not true.

I see myself holding on tightly and not letting go. Holding on to ideals, and shoulds. Holding on to concepts.  Not allowing myself a chance to breathe, feeling that not trying equals failing. Equating constant effort to mean overcoming and succeeding. But overcoming what? Perhaps my feeling that I can not relax and I should keep trying is apart of my identity. Therefore if I do toherwise I am not being “myself” or living up to my “potential.”

However, yesterday I had a glimpse. A short glimpse of this feeling- this feeling to surrender! Let go of the self torture! Cali Chica you are fine the way you are, things are fine- stop seeking. Sink and savor and Surrender.

Dear Anita,

Surrendering, reads to me, is you being on your way to undo that base anxiety which motivated you so far to do and do and do, to overdo.

i will let this sink in today. Thank you for that thought.

Dear Anita,

Happy Sunday!

I think you’re right – the seeping of the word surrender into my psyche, is the first glimpse of letting go of that need to overdo..  Perhaps the first glimpse of understanding that this baseline anxiety (although not a choice) is something that can be diminished.  Moreover, the baseline anxiety does not have to be all invading and all pervasive.  I can give it some respect, understanding that it does hold some real estate in my brain, but I do not have to bow down to it, or succumb to it always.

Understanding that we are not our anxiety is huge.  It is something that many writers blog about, and many top authors have best selling novels centered on.  I am not my thoughts, I am not my anxiety.  I am not my fear based wired brain.

Easy to read about, difficult to grasp.  Easy to think about momentarily, difficult to sink and savor.

I notice this anxiety can seep in during the summer.  Given that in the northeast we do not have beautiful weather all year round, we often feel we have to make “the most of the summer.” Even during the summer, not every day is bright and sunny, and thus those that are, we often find that we want to make it a “maximal summer” experience.  Whether this be the beach, a hike, some other water related activity, bbq, or plain sitting outdoors.  I noticed that during the week I found myself having this anticipatory anxiety about forthcoming weekend plans.  However, when this weekend rolled around, it was perfect.

We enjoyed some time at the dog park, had our neighbors over for some appetizers that evening, which spontaneously turned into a night of games and laughs.  How often these spontaneous evenings turn out to be the best!

The point of me writing this is not to point out that fun can be unplanned and spontaneous, as this is far too basic of a concept! My point is this – I don’t have to fear that if I don’t “do” that I will not find.  Doing does not always equal  finding.

The contrast of:

Doing (aka planning an evening) does not mean that not doing means no fun plans

Doing (aka planning the next career move) does not mean that not doing means career stagnation.

Doing (aka reaching out to certain friends) does not mean that not doing means those friends will go further away

Therefore, NOT doing does NOT equal the OPPOSITE outcome.

In fact, NOT doing may (and many times does) lead to a wonderful and more positive outcome!

We do not have to always DO to control our future.  No we do not. 

Funny thing is, that friend (the flakey one) continued to reach out over the week, with text messages, and finally a phone call.  Interesting, as she is someone who is not a reliable communicator and NEVER calls.  It appears she is DOING, to control.  She is DOING to assuage herself of guilt.  She is DOING to avoid the reality of the outcome of being a bad person. Well, doing is not a cure, now is it?

Doing is not a cure, it is often only a way to disguise ourself from what we fear – uncertainty.