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Cali Chica.
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June 5, 2018 at 5:21 am #210853
Cali ChicaParticipantGood morning Anita,
thank you for reply. I am glad for our decision to not take on more obstacles. I find that when we create space to be our best self, we can show and even prove ourself what we are capable of – the level of relaxation, focus, and inner peace. When we function as our best self – we gain confidence that this part of us exists.
Thus, I realize this has something to do with my grass is greener mentality. I realized yesterday evening it isn’t really about location or jobs or anything. It is that here in the present moment I have achieved a great state of calmness and progress. I do feel some anxiety about “changing” or moving away from my current state as I have worked so hard to reach this level. Sure, even if I move, my inner state can remain the same. However, added outward stressors may make that more difficult. On the flip side – wherever you go, there you are. Thus, if we choose jobs or a location that is slightly different from where I am now – I will still find myself on tjis path. The change of scenery and outward elements may just be taking a detour, but the straight path remains. I do have faith in this, deep down – but of course on the surface it is intuitive to think “I’ve finally gotten to a great place – why change, why rock the boat. “
June 5, 2018 at 5:48 am #210857
AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
You are very capable but not a superhuman, you have to pace yourself. So keep making the changes you are making where you are. Later you can reconsider moving to California. There is still time to make that choice later. I can’t think of a place that has been more of a grass-is-greener-there place than California has been for so long for millions of people.
So many have moved to California, particularly to Southern California, in the hopes and dreams for a better life. These hopes and dreams did not work out for many. And then, there is the unbelievably difficult rush hour traffic, rush hour that lasts all day, really, almost all day.
Yes, why rock the boat, not yet, anyway.
anita
June 5, 2018 at 5:54 am #210861Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I absolutely agree. California is out of the question. Now are choices are here locally. Staying in the suburb we are in or taking jobs in NYC (45 mins away) which would mean we move to closer suburb to NYC (to allow a better commute due to traffic) or move to NYC itself.
My memories of NYC revolve around living an outward life that had no space for inner peace. This was a different time, and I was not where I am now. If we were to move back as married adults we would allow ourselves more space (mentally and physically) and focus on work and different activities that are more wholesome. (such as live near the park, dog related activities, enjoy good quality friends when we choose and not all the time).
So the decision is between these options. Also the jobs themselves are different. (there is a lot more on that end, day to day job differences, longevity, etc).
June 5, 2018 at 6:59 am #210871Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I wanted to add more, but had to step away from the computer. I like that you stated I am not superhuman, because I am not. I feel nowadays, I find the ability to admit that humbling. It is honest and true, it is a sign of self trust and authenticity.
With that being said, as above – I have explained that our current choice is between 2 locations close to each other, but with different cultures. Working in and around NYC is different than a suburb even if only 40 mins away. These differences lie in the hospital, the patient population, the attitudes of the people. This extends into work and personal life, there are pros and cons to both – and we will weigh them.
I notice I find myself wanting to “stay put” given that what I have developed in life here is “not so bad” – in fact, it is quite great. I have carved out space to find “the path” and given that, it has shed light to so many other aspects of my life.
Prior, because I was so inundated by stress of my mother, nothing seemed great. No location, no job, nothing would ever find me happiness – I was bogged down by something much greater.
You’re right I do have to pace myself. I do have to follow my instinct, and have an open conversation about whatever decisions we make in our life (my husband and I). However, with that pacing myself will be important. Thank you for reminding me that.
June 5, 2018 at 7:17 am #210875AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
You are welcome. I lived for a short time in NYC and for many years in Southern California. In each place people live many different lives. One place, many niches. So indeed, as a married woman in NYC, you can live a very different life than the one you lived single, that conveyer belt dating single life you mentioned earlier, that outward living.
I think that the work environment and conditions in any one place is something of most importance to consider, for you and your husband, because you will spend so many hours there and because it is important to see to it that your next work place fits your long term career plan.
anita
June 5, 2018 at 6:20 pm #210997Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
this evening I was having some trouble not becoming overwhelmed by the “next steps” and if it will lead to further peace and good, or rock the boat. I started to ruminate – and looked outward and felt like everyone else figures it out easily. As much as I know this is untrue I am feeling stuck in feeling the overwhelming sensation of anxiety – and also the outward sensation of “why can’t I find inner focus on myself and my husband -like them.”
II read this quote: Trust and anxiety are mutually exclusive so focus on trust, whatever you can trust at the moment, and anxiety moves out.
i know this and even write things like this! Yet at this time I do feel pretty paralyzed with anxiety and unease.
June 6, 2018 at 1:52 am #211157AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I am not surprised that at times you feel very anxious. Anxiety is most difficult to heal from and it takes years, a few years to no longer have that ongoing experience of anxiety. I believe it takes a few years for a person who has been anxious for many years, when it started in childhood.
Key is to persist on the path when anxious, to make good choices while anxious, and a good choice may be to make no choices, wait for later, when calmer.
Most people give up when distressed, figure it is not working, it being whatever worked before. It is very important to keep doing what worked before: distract (ex.: relaxing music), and/ or repeat true-to-reality thoughts and relax into those thoughts; to not automatically react to the distress in ways that harmed you before, to pay attention to the here-and-now instead of ruminating.
You may be reading this Wednesday morning. I wonder how you are feeling today.
anita
June 6, 2018 at 5:51 am #211193Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
good morning. I did indeed read your reply this morning. One thing that really stands out is this:
“and a good choice may be to make no choices, wait for later, when calmer.”
I have major difficulty with this. In fact I can say I almost never do this. The reason being is that I do not reflect to say this is a particularly anxious moment, time, etc. No, on the contrary it feels like it is just how it is. The baseline. It feels that this how things are – so I must react and do.
Instead I would like to say- I am particularly stressed and so my reactions are not all based on true thoughts or true situations. Anxiety is leading the way not reality. I am unable to decipher this.
So instead I do not choose to “not do.” And feel the need to do more and more and more to “conquer and find a solution.” It is almost an obsession to not sit back and wait – but do the exact opposite go non stop and continue to try and do.
June 6, 2018 at 6:12 am #211195Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I should be more honest with myself (and you). What I have been experiencing over the last few weeks has been to a different extent. It is not as bad as how I felt in Feb before I decided to make the big decision to cut my parents out – but I am feeling burnt out.
See in February this huge decision was made, which required, as we both know, tremendous healing. At the same time, (mostly because of my wish) my husband and I started exploring different avenues for ourselves. New locations, interviews etc. Now this was not a simple exploration of “lets see.” No, it was deliberate effort upon effort. It was emailing, and calling, and networking, finding connections in hopitals and practices in California, finally making some connections, flying out meeting people, more networking, getting some idea of what jobs may look like. Then finally both receiving 2 job offers. Even considering them highly going through paperwork and talks. I mean even typing this is exhausting.
Then over the last few weeks we realized that this move was not right for us – in short as per my previous post – why elect for more “obstacles and starts.”
So now – you say – okay a breath of fresh air, at least we know we are staying local. Sure. Then out of nowhere my husband gets a job offer in NYC – which is great. The type of job he was hoping for a year or so ago. Timing was interesting.
So now this throws me (voluntarily mind you) into another tailspin. So if he takes that job – what should I do? Stay at this current job, or find opportunities in NYC as well. So having taken no break from aforementioned whirlwhind – I find myself doing the same networking, emailing, trying trying trying to see NYC options. Why?
Because that’s me. I am hardwired to be a type A overachiever, to explore every option possible, to do and do and do.
So then why here am I writing this, and almost complaining! I know the reason, I know what I am doing – perhaps I don’t know how to STOP. Perhaps I don’t know to say, take a breath, everything is fine. you both have great options, stop seeking more and more and more. stop and trust. taking a day or two “off” from worry and trying is not only beneficial, it is necessary!
yes, but…I don’t know how to…
June 6, 2018 at 7:00 am #211205AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I think you need a break, some sort of a vacation. Can you do that for yourself? If your husband doesn’t have the time, maybe you can go by yourself, someplace relaxing, warm and sunny if you like that, a beach place, you all by yourself. A type A personality taking time out, doing nothing but maybe lying on a beautiful beach someplace, under the warm sun, the sounds of the waves all you hear.
Maybe…?
anita
June 6, 2018 at 7:02 am #211207Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Yes this is exactly what I need, and I need to make time for it. Me myself and some waves sounds perfect.
June 7, 2018 at 8:45 am #211403AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Your most recent post didn’t reflect under Topics, so I didn’t know it was there until a moment ago. I hope you do take that vacation, be it as short as it may be. Maybe a beach in Florida, I am thinking, if you are okay with the humidity there (not too bad, on the beach).
anita
June 7, 2018 at 8:52 am #211405Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
yes Florida is easy! I am heading to nyc for an interview today. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night thinking about what my life would be like if I took that job versus current one etc. at around 4 am I had to stop myself and say: you are EXPLORING options. The choice is yours down the line. The external is not controlling you. You have choice. This was comforting. So often it feels that outward will control and take away from inward. I know I have a choice to sustain (to the best of my ability).
I also know that wholesome people, work, and activities exist all over the world. They also DONT exist all over the world. I have developed life in which I seek that out now. Wherever. Whenever. I have self trust I will continue to do so now and through my adulthood. I have self trust because I have shown the results of it to my own self. I have reaped the benefits thus far. I can continue to. It is my choice.
June 7, 2018 at 9:01 am #211409AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I hope you do well in the interview you are heading to. And I hope you sleep better at night. When I don’t sleep deeply or long enough, relaxing while awake makes up for the lack of sleep.
I suppose if you get the job you are interviewing for, life will not be all good and if you don’t, life will not be all good either. Or all bad. It looks like we imagine, when in the position of choosing, that one choice will bring heaven to us, or hell. But in reality, we will have some of both no matter what, as long as we are alive, that is.
anita
June 7, 2018 at 9:07 am #211413Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
great point, there will always be some good and bad and pros and cons. Also given what I have been through I am an extremely resilient individual so I am not worried about the ability to adapt. I just think like my previous post – I would like to pace myself.
Interestingly that flakey friend (I mentioned 2 weeks ago) reached out to me multiple times this week. Asking how I was and if I was okay. (Since I hadn’t responded). I smiled at her inability to have shame for being such a flake – and acting like nothing happened. I feel compelled to do: nothing. It is a good feeling. Do nothing. No response. No explanation. Just be – and focus on me and the people who matter.
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