Dear Anita,

Our posts from this weekend thus far, have had my mind buzzing with all sorts of thoughts and energy.  As you so amazingly pointed out, self trust – full circle – or something close.

When I first wrote to you with this title of: “self trust” – I am unsure of why I wrote that.  I can go back and read that first post in this thread, but I choose not to at this time – I want to reflect.

So much of the content of my posts is about others.  Others including my mother, sister, and friends.  Well, of course, none of us live in a bubble, and our interactions with others are often the most amazing or difficult aspects of our life.  Moreover, others are the ones that may impact us the most, and also shape the identity we feel we have.  It is others that can “make or break” our day we feel often.  Some of this is true – to a point.

So when I chose the title “self trust” I was seeking a general sense of “focusing inward, not outward.”

Little did I know what that truly entails.  It involves (in my case) practically an entire transformation. Perhaps not visible from the outside, but surely on the inside.

See, here I was doing the same things over and over, and beating myself up for not having different results.  (take the mother part out because that is so apparent and obvious now- my focus here is on the not so seemingly negative or dangerous

See, here I was, addicted to socializing, addicted to helping, addicted to communicating – but expecting myself to also do an amazing job at looking inward.  Even typing this out makes it sound exhausting! Constantly being on the marathon and wondering why you didn’t advance in your meditation practice.  Driving for hours on end, and wondering why you don’t feel rested.

It seems so obvious and common sense, but it’s not.  Not when you’re wired the way I am.

So here I am now in the month of May, almost June.  I had a huge life changing revelation an decision in mid February.  Thereafter, for a few months, I lived in a very different way than I ever had in my life.  Very different than those around me, especially in this hyper-connected and stimulated society.  And it was good – in fact it was great.  It was empowering, and restorative, and most importantly it was comforting.

As referenced this weekend, slowly as time passed, I naturally drifted back into some old tendencies.  Sure outward individuals sought me out, life continued, stress heightened – but it was me who drifted back.  As you wrote, this is human – and something I should be gentle with myself about.  Well I am now, thanks to you! And it has led to tremendous reflection – written here.

So drifting back, why so bad? And why was I so hard on myself? Well because it is going back to the same thing as above, the same thing that inspired me to even start this thread called Self Trust.  It went back to the struggle of being on the overstimulated wagon, but internally wanting to jump off without knowing how.  It went back to the innate feeling of being a “super-friend” but not feeling so super about it at all. And this time, unlike last, it went to having a great degree of self anger and frustration at FINALLY knowing what it feels like to be at ease and comfort and sitting with myself, and yet feeling the opposite THE moment I slid back. A “I should know better” feeling. Well I do know better.

Well first of all, I am proud that I have the magnetic pull to get back on track – something that is truly special.

Second I forgive myself.  I am not an entirely changed person.  When speaking to some friends again, I do recall almost getting that “high” of intense conversation. This is not wrong.  However, I also recall feeling that I could not disconnect with what was going on in their lives.  For example a friend opened up to me this month about her marital issues, I felt consumed by them.  To an extraordinary degree.  Compassion, yes – but an unhealthy level of being consumed by the problems of others – not good.

So this brings me back to the point I was looking to make. I can not beat myself up for running a marathon all day, and then be angry I have a stress fracture.  I can not be on the road driving all day in terrible traffic, and wonder why I don’t feel so centered.

Look at what you are doing day in and day out, and ask yourself, is the way you feel a result of that?

Yes, of course! Maybe one day or two days don’t accumulate so much, but surely after a week or month of a certain behavior it will catch up to us! In my case here I was, having done a great job of disconnecting from many individuals and issues, into a place of safety. Then bam – back into it head on – well of course this will cause distress.

So does this mean I “can’t do it all?” I can’t find solace and peace and inward focus, while simultaneously extending myself?

No, probably not.  And you know what – that is incredible to finally realize.  The answer is No.

This does not mean I am a hermit withdrawn from society.  This does not mean I must live in a monastery.  This does not mean I can have no friends.  No it does not.

If I want to be “inward” I have to do just that.  This does not make me weak or a “bad multi-tasker” or a person who isn’t good at “handling” things. This is only self judgement.  As my statement above states, it is IMPOSSIBLE to do all that and have a great sense of peace and self.  Once healthy boundaries are in place, a person can step out of their safety zone, knowing they will quickly be able to come back.  This is similar to what you say about the healing path, and how it is the only way.

To know that I am not weak or wrong for not extending myself outwards to the extents I always have – means that I have self trust.  I have the trust in myself to know my limits and boundaries.  I have the faith in myself to know when my body and mind are slipping “back” or off track.  I have faith that any decision to choose inward peace over outward is the right one.

This is because it is tried and true.  I have trust that if judgement arises, it is only from within me. This judgement is more of a function of the old belief and expectations I have of myself, than reality. I have the trust in my path that it will summon me back if needed.  It has already.

So the answer is: I can not be focused inward, if I am focused outward.  So Inward I shall go.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

It is always a pleasure to read about your journey on the path. I read your above post many times. You always seem to have a knack of “bringing out” what I am searching for in my thoughts and writing.

What you wrote is the exact thing that made me start this thread and title it Self Trust months ago. I titled it Self Trust because that is what I was lacking. I didn’t even know what it was this concept of self trust, but I innately knew it was lacking.

You defined what it is for me. You also showed me that this self trust is something I have started to develop on my short path as well. I am beginning to see the early glimpses of it. Oh it feels good! Foreign at times but good – for it is something I trust. I know now more than ever- what greater trust than Self trust.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I agree, my “short” or recent path is quite courageous, uncommon, and something I am proud of.

I want to shift gears into an area.. It is my relationship with my husband.  I won’t even say marriage because we have  been married only about 8 months, and it is more about the whole relationship since i met him, and even my patterns in other relationships.

Now, this isn’t something i avoid writing or talking about per se, but it is more that it it is so complicated, deep, and unrelatable to most that I don’t bring it up.  Also, it is so intertwine with the torture and abuse of my parents – making it more complicated and difficult.

Well I will begin, and bear with me as I know this will be rambling, often hard to follow, and perhaps all over the place.  But I know that speaking about my mother was once that way – and look at how much clarity I found after time with the help of your guidance.  This is different in so many ways, and of course I do not expect the same result – nor am I putting any pressure on you to enlighten me.  I just want to share, organize my thoughts, and of course hear whatever you may have to say.

I also want to point out, that when I have spoken about this – I have said it in a narrative.  It is easy to speak in narrative, it is looking back and reading a story with highlights.  This time, I do not want to do that.  Simply narrating past events doesn’t get me to root causes, root issues, patterns, current distress, and perhaps even future problems.  Narrating is story telling.  I don’t want to graze the surface.  So I will try my best to explain. I will also try my best to explain without over analyzing or diagnosing (which is hard sometimes).

There are certain patterns that I have had in the past.  I had a boyfriend from the age of 15-21. He was sweet, kind, incredible.  We had a strong bond, and long story short he was an incredible guy.  Around the age of 20 or so I found myself doubting the relationship, not because of any issues in it – but more of the “grass is greener” mentality.  More than the typical teenager, wondering what else is out there – It was different for me. (and mind you this is WAYY before I had any understanding of my own mental health, my own possible struggles with anxiety, negativity etc, my own upbringing or negative wiring – no clue)

So with that said- I found myself getting into this weird moods. I would become angry and nasty to that boyfriend, let’s call him N.  It would be that if N would do something sweet, I would get annoyed.  But then have guilt about why I acted that way.  I would find myself comparing N to others (who were often terrible people), and nitpicking small things.  “oh look they do that, we never do.” And then perhaps when we did do that thing, I would find something else wrong.  Now at this time, in other parts of my life I was perfectly happy – NOT anxious at all.  I recall this being a time when I truly had no mental struggles at all, more on that later.  So in short – I had a great guy – and I started questioning and picking and making things negative.  You may say well perhaps I wasn’t happy and so it was manifesting this way, perhaps there were issues and I can’t blame myself.  Nope, there were none – when I say it was 100% me it truly was, believe me.

Of course as wonderful as this person was, he started to become quite hurt..  We would talk about it, he would continue to try and try to appease me and my “discontent” whatever it was.  Despite this, we truly never had any “issues” it is hard to explain – it was just me complaining and finding problems.  So I started medical school in Philadelphia that August before my 21st birthday.  He was away on a trip with his friends during the time I started.  After a week or so he returned, and visited me.  He was SO beyond excited to visit, and was also really happy to celebrate my first week of being a medical student. I will never forget it.  So, Anita, he arrives, he is super happy and excited, and I am cold.  I am just flat cold – almost like I am possessed by a heartless demon for an evening.  We went to eat dinner, where I continued to act cold and disinterested, and came back to my apartment.  I remember the next moment vividly.  I was sitting on my bed, and he is packing up his bag slowly.  I say to him, where are you going? He says well it doesn’t seem like you want me here..  I remember feeling confused by this (despite the fact that I acted cold all evening, I didn’t really feel that way – it was odd).  He gets his thing and says something along the lines of, for so long I tried, but  I can’t always have enough love for the both of us.  (as in i have so much love for you, but I do need some in return).  He walks to the elevator and stands outside of it, and I see he is waiting, stalling.  He is waiting for me to say something, to stop him, to run after him, something.  I do nothing.  I feel paralyzed..  The elevator closes and he is gone.

For a moment there I do nothing, then I frantically pick up the phone and start calling him.  I say come back etc.  He states, you didn’t even stop me, you just let me leave…his heart was broken.  it was the last straw.

see, this wasn’t just a dramatic walk away – it was a long time coming, he had tried and tried and tried, and I had continued to push him away.  towards the end I became even more cold and cruel – so he finally did what anyone would do – walk away.

Yet when the the true gravity of what happened at that moment hit me, I was devastated – it changed me, and I was never the same.  Yes a dramatic statement, but I truly was never ever the same.

See what happens after is the beginning of my story with mental health struggles.  From that moment forward, from the inside, my own mental state suffered.  I entered the w

So, after August, I was devastated, I tried desperately to get him back, but the damage had been done I had truly “broken” this indvidual — (more on that after).  I had issues with anxiety for the first time in my life, I couldn’t sleep, my eating patterns were dysregulated from binge eating to opposite to severe guilty about it..  My entire world revolved around remorse: “I had this wonderful guy, how did I let him go.” I missed him beyond measure – it was like someone had died.  I went through this grief Anita not for months but for YEARS.

When I say I was never the same after that moment, I mean it.  That marked the beginning of my mental health struggles.  Now, knowing what I know now perhaps I was meant to “begin” my battle with anxiety/depression at some point anyway given my mother and upbringing.  Mental health is tough to figure out for people, doctors, gurus, anyone.  There are no answers.  But I will say that since that moment I have struggled.  I still struggle to this day – sure in somewhat other ways – but all in the same.

So for years and years I felt this way.  It took over my entire being, guilt, anger, remorse, resentment.  Sadness – depression.  This wallowing of I had something so great, now look at me, look at this life I am miserable.  Now sure on the outside I was progressing, through medical school, residency, all milestones.  But inside I was a mess. If I look back at medical school, my entire memory is myself struggling.  No, not with the material or the work.  Not at all – that was an aside.  It was personal, every single moment of every single day I felt uneasy.  I felt terrible, I felt sad that I now brought myself to this misery for “look how happy I was before” why did I have to go and not appreciate it.. I recall at my medical school graduation day feeling no different.  Feeling that, sure that’s great we achieve these things – but I feel terrible inside, so what does it all matter.  But – if you looked at me then during all those years, I was exuberant, popular, social – having the time of my life – but inside always struggling.

So now it has been years after the “incident” I have dated around, always comparing, always feeling that my chance was gone. for “who meets a wonderful guy twice.” The universe granted me something amazing, and I screwed up, so now what – I have to sleep in the bed that I made.  We are now in my mid 20s.  I am living in NYC with a roommate, I am in a residency program which is extremely grueling (overnight call every 3rd night – big city hospitals etc).  The work itself once again is not the issue.

So going to something I have talked to you about before many times- I was outward.  When i say outward, extremely outward.  I started this pattern in medical school not long after the break up and my inability to cope with it.  I was out, I talked to friends all day every day, I hung out with friends all day everyday. I was known to be someone who “could do it all.” Wow – she can be such a socialite and do well in school.  Not that this was the title I was going for, but I just was this way.  I am baseline friendly and an extrovert, sure – but this was to a different level.  I hardly did ever just “sit with myself” because all i would feel was uneasiness, it wasn’t even sadness and misery after a while – it had turned into a “why be alone if you can be with friends.”

So in NYC, this sort of mentality can skyrocket.  NYC is a city where everyone is living like they are on steroids – so if a person is seeking outward, there they shall find it.  In many ways this was fun, I was able to do so much while still training – which is not necessarily a bad thing.  However, in many ways this was toxic.  So now I am at a place where a few years have passed since the break up.  I still suffer in the same way, although by all outward means I have moved on, I have dated around some, etc – I was truly as stuck inside as the day it happened.  Moreover, the mental health struggles continued and if not worsened given that my lifestyle became even more severe, less sleep, more stress and responsibility, and feeling angry that even after all these years I still felt “terrible” – will I ever feel “normal again.” Nope, it seems this is the way it is..

In the Indian culture, there is extreme emphasis on finding a good guy and getting married.  Sure in many cultures.  But in Indian culture it is very much about finding someone “that fits the bill.” So in my case, if you want to look at it from the external:here she is a young, pretty doctor, with a great personality – she deserves a similar guy, someone at the same level

So, dating wasn’t just –oh who do I connect with – it was, who has the right characteristics, and someone I also connect with.  In certain ways that is fine.  However,  I began to become obsessed with it.  It started off with the feeling of, well surely there has to be someone else good out there too – I couldn’t have just lost my chance at someone great already – sure I let that go – but am I doomed forever.  So in a way I was trying to prove myself wrong, by finding this “person.” I wanted to prove to myself, see you can be happy again.

Of course after a gamut of dating experiences that didn’t pan out for one reason or another I became even more anxious and obsessed.  Now sure, any girl in their mid 20s, and especially Indian, is going to focus on this sort of thing.  Sure, they may even feel their happiness or worth depends on it – (which they will hopefully soon realize it does not).  This is not unccommon.  However, I started feeling it was my identity.  It also continued to stem back to that self hatred of “ruining” such a good relationship, and being doomed now. I started getting anxious that now I would have to “settle.” you meet someone great once, and it’s gone so then you just end up with someone “decent.” How unlucky of me, look at all these people that are so happy now – god why couldn’t I have been smarter.  Why did I have to screw up so bad.  I had this amazing thing that people dream of, an look at me now…

So I meet my now husband in November 2014.  We are on a date shortly after Thanksgiving.  I was not in a great mental state at the time we started talking.  I was burnt out with residency, burnt out from obsessively dating and thinking about it, and just pessimistic all around.  We met, and it was not love at first sight.  I found myself thinking that he was nice, and fun to talk to – but I have fun talking to everyone…  We had talked for a month prior to meeting.  Which is unusual in NYC where it is a go go dime a dozen place.  Often people don’t take the time to develop a connection or a friendship prior.  It can be like a conveyor belt of dating, of next next next.  So anyway, the fact that we found ourselves talking so much was unique, and special.  After the first date we continued to talk on almost that level.

I can’t recall exactly what was going though my mind during this time.  However, I do remember I was having trouble recognizing what was authentic.  See, I had become obsessed with the whole thing, finding someone who is right, proving  to myself I don’t have to be miserable and have to settle now – since i screwed up my one chance, —that looking back, I probably didn’t even know what I was feeling.  It was the most opposite of letting myself see how I feel and go with the flow – as one could get.  Regardless though somehow we remained in touch and met once or twice more.  In January a few months later.  I was on a trip to Thailand with my mom and sister (once again before her and I know what we know about my mother, before the awareness and understanding).  During this trip, I continued to keep in touch with him.  First it was a fun distraction.  My sister found it fun too, girl talk – we would think about what pictures to send him, etc.  About a week or so after, I found myself thinking about how thoughtful he was.  We were all the way on the other side of the world, and he was interviewing all over the country for fellowship.  In between flights and all, he would want to check in, would send tid bits of things to do in thailand that he had researched – overall in short, he had such an innocent, authentic way of showing interest and care that is was very refreshing.

Now one part of this was, I was not sure that I was physically attracted to him.  By all means he is not an unattractive person, but one thing continued to stand out in my mind – he was short.  I am a petite woman myself, so by all means he is taller and bigger than me, but he was shorter than the average guy, and also shorter than anyone I dated.  I found myself thinking about this a lot – first of all was I attracted to him.  Second, what would it look like – is it weird to date a short guy? Did I ever picture myself with someone short – many thoughts.  Once again, I know some of which would cross anyone’s mind –  but it became something really central in my brain. Quite superficial – yes indeed.  How ironic, I had “searched near and far” for someone kind  and amazing again, and this person in front of me was showing me qualities I had not encountered in ages – but my roadblock was something superficial.

So when I returned from Thailand, for the first time in a long time I let myself ” go with the flow.” He was looking forward to my return and had planned some fun activities.  We had a genuine good time, and one thing led to another – we began a relationship.  During this time I can say I was not “in my head.” I was enjoying myself, and we were enjoying each other.  It was not contrived, it was not forced.  Sure a part of it had started with, well he is a nice guy and he has is extraordinarily thoughtful I should give it a try.  I did tell myself I should give it a try.  But what happened thereafter was natural, it was not forced or based on “shoulds.”  I mention this because of what is to follow.

So fastforward, everything is going well, and a few months in, I would have random spurts of being mean and cruel.  Not unlike what I explained in my first relationship.  Such as creating negative out of a situation which has no issues.  Nitpicking when there was nothing there.  Making someone wonderful feel like utter crap.  Now this was no daily or regular, but when it did happen it was by no means okay (looking back I see how pathologic).  One example that stands out in my mind is that we were at a wedding.  I had some old friends there and so did he as we knew many people in the same circle.  One thing about is me is that I LOVE to dance, it is something that has been apart of my whole life.  Knowing this about me, he was excited for us to get on the dance floor -we hadn’t had a chance in a long time.  Well when this moment arises, I feel irritable, upset and angry.  I find myself looking at other couples – one couple in particular I recall there is a guy who is the life of the party type, dancing and laughing and having a merry time – leading his girlfriend into all these dance moves.  I am suddenly overwhelmed by this, feeling like “why can’t I have that.” gosh this guy here with me, he’s just there – he follows…look at this other guy, how fun and exuberat – that is so much more me!  Then I start having these thoughts (which are awful) i look at him and think, wow, perhaps he is too short.  See here at this wedding, do we even look right.  No other couple seems to be this way – gosh what are the other people saying about us, saying – look she’s with this short guy.”

Needless to say, this energy was absorbed, and it was a bad night.  Later that weekend, I could tell his ego and self esteem had been shot.  He wanted me to be honest with him, and I was  – I told him exactly what I was thinking (above).  How harsh, judgemental, cruel, superficial, etc.  But I said it all.  In a weird way, I didn’t even feel much remorse saying it.

It was as though I felt entitled to having these sort of breakdowns.  I felt that, well I had that moment and felt like that.  But did I truly feel like that? The answer was I didn’t know.  In that moment I surely did.  But being with this person out of that setting, he was so great and wonderful – what about that…

So I let it pass.  looking back now, easy for me to say  ” oh I just had a moment.”  But being on the other side.  Having this good relationship with someone where all of a sudden they just act like you’re beneath them, and they are unattracted to you,  and you are unworthy  — but then acting like everything is fine again.

This sort of thing happened many times in Anita.   If it wasn’t the dance floor, it was elsewhere.  I remember him coming back from a trip once (how interesting- just like my first boyfriend) – and being excited to see me, all the normal stuff.  I remember acting cold and aloof then, and later then writing him this whole letter.  I had written this whole letter Anita about all the things i missseed about my first relationship that I no longer had.  I mean Imagine.   Once again of course heart broken.

so one may say, what made this person stay with me.  The things I was doing were nightmare-ish.  Well I think first of all, he is a truly truly truly genuine amazing soul.  The kind of person they say “they don’t make them like they used to.” The kind of person who sees good in people, who gives people chances and the benefit of the doubt, who when even when he is hurt, wants to help and not withdraw. Which brings me to my next point.  So often when I was cruel, i would then go into a rant about how I have never been the same after that break up and I suffer from all sorts of negativity and I neverr feel okay.  So instead of withdrawing and being angry and hurt by all of my ups and down and cruel actions, hee would want to help.  He would listen and listeen and listen, he offered to do whatever he could to make me happy no matter to what extent.

The point is, I was in many ways: unsufferable.

So, you may think – what is the role of my parents? Well when they first met him, they were ecstatic.  I nice Indian boy, a doctor, from a great family – we are beyond joyous.  They quickly became excited, we spent time with them.  Our parents met, which also worked out great – and our families spent at least two holidays together, xmas or thanksgiving..  I want to put this out there and not focus on it too much.  I will say that my parents at THIS stage in the game were very enthusiastic.

So back to me, this continued.  Looking back now – it was taking a toll on his self esteem.  In short I was slowly chipping away at this kind human.  His immense generosity and patience were often taken for granted by me.  In fact, I can say they always were..  See here I was so caught up in my own self, my own ups and downs, I hardly paid any attention to the effect I was having on him.  With the wedding example, it was about me: I had the the breakdown, I suffered from these thoughts and feelings, I didn’t know what to do.  See how none of this was a reflection of the illl effects it had on him.  Nope, none at all – just me.

To me looking back this reads as a story in which this girl is quite narcissistic and self centered, and has this guy who is devoted and dedicated beyond measure.

There are so many more details I am sure you can imagine, but in short that statement sums it up.

Now the next part of the story does involve my parents, so much of which you already know – and so I will make it as short as I can.  I want to pay a lot of attention to the fact that as above, the situation is already a certain way:

I am guilty for abusing and tormenting this individual, and not appreciating him – PRIOR to what is next.

He already baseline is broken down to a point by me.

So then my parents begin their insanity, they go crazy after him to propose during the timeline they want.  Calling him everyday, calling his parents.

During this time, I take their side.  I say to him, “all indian parents’  have an idea of how they want things.  Perhaps you arre not “cultured enough” to get that.  Consistently putting him down, and taking their side.  Even when my parents would call his parents and leave threatening messages such as “we know how terriblee you are, if you don’t get your son on track we will make sure everyone knows.” – — i would say, well perhaps my parents are right, your parents don’t seem to have respect.

This was to the point that I was convinced that the ENTIRE reason my parents were unhappy in the situation was because of him and his parents.  Nope, this was not because they were crazy or terrible, it was because of the situation.  So – the proposal happens it is beautiful and amazing, we are in San Diego on these cliffs, a whirlwhind weekend full of surprises.  Anita, out of a fairytale.  Despite all of the negativity, badgering, presssure etc – he STILL managed to make it as incredible and special as ever.

I can’t say I truly enjoyed it.  I didn’t NOT enjoy it.  It was as though I wasn’t there.  This was during the time I started really feeling the effects of my parents, perhaps shortly therafter I started writing to you.  I was suffering with severe headaches, insonnia, etc.  I took this all as “family stress” but it was the beginning of the toxic patterns that you know so well.

So during this proposal I was not all there, it was as though I was disconnected.  Not in the “oh my gosh it was so perfect I was floating on a cloud” sort of way.  No, in more of a zombie kind of way.

Once we reeturned from San Diego is when the real parental saga began, I have wrote to you about this.  Just 2 days after we returned my mother called me in tears complaining and screaming about how his mother wants an engagment party a certain way – etc etc.  The rest is history.  My sister has written about it too – having to call the police – the whole thing – no need to get int oall that .  So we go from there to the wedding, to now.  Wow – a lot right.

So what is my point then? So here we are now.  My husband had already suffered abuse from me prior to my parents wrath (although my parents have always subconciously affected us of course) but prior to their major melt down.  Then from the moment prior to the proposal until This past Feb 2018 they have infilltrated every single moment and created immense torture.  For the majority of this time I sided with them, I was brainwashed.  I put him down, I put his family down,  I continued to make him feel not good enough, not worthy.  I so focused on my own internal demons at this point that I paid no attention to what he was going through.

So in present day, my husband is broken.  He was a sweet, innocent, enthusiastic person who was crushed by me.  He says it too.  I took that away from him.  And then even further, my parents – it was kicking the dog that is already down.  So I am not here to say: oh we have marital issues.  No it is so much further and deeper than that.   It is that he as a result of all this broken.  You know how I said prior to that first breakup, I had never in my life experienced mental health issues.  Well it is similar to him, prior to my treatment of him this way, he never ever experienced such despair.

As a result his spirit has been shattered, he has nothing left in his tank.  Given that he is such a special and wonderful person he still tries, and he still has the energy to be as great as he can be – others would have truly suffered a mental breakdown, gone down the deep end, or ran away – or something.  But no.

Nowadays, I have clarity, I see that my parents brainwashed me, I see that I kicked a dog that was already down.  Why was he down? Because of my poor treatment.  why did i treat him poorlly? I had hate in my heart.  I had no self love, and so I had no real love for others – I only spewed hate and negativity..or something like that…

He had always forgiven me, and he always felt that he saw good in me despite all that, so that is what gave him faith.  But now after that has happened – no one has anything left.  As you can imagine.  Recently He has said many times, that he does not see true remorse from my end.  Or if not remorse, he feels that if he did to me, what I did to him, he would feel so sad.

He is right, but hearing that makes sense, but I don’t reallly feel it.  It is still as though I am numb when it comes to that.  Almost dumbfounded.  It is just words. It does ignite some sadness in me once in a while, but overall it feels like nothing. I wonder what you have to say about this..

In many ways I feel that I have started my “path” a few months ago, and it is solo.  It is as though my whole focus is just to nourish and protect me, so once again I pay no attention to effects on him.  On the other hand, Anita, I would not be here if it wasn’t for him.  He has stood by me and supported me every step of the way.  I truly believe if it wasn’t for him, I would not even be at the place where I am to shut the door on my parents – something in me knows that meeting him allowed me to get to where I am.

However, words can not describe the abuse and trauma he had to suffer along the way.  My stories here are only brushing the surface. I am not writing here to gain sympathy.  I am not writing here to be told, oh don’t worry you were warranted, or it is your parents fault you were cruel.  No. I want to be honest and raw and say I was unappreciative, cruel and terrible to him.  Is that who I am as a person, NO. But, this is the way I acted towards him time and time again over many years.  I have had to endure such abuse (I know now) from my mother my whole life, and then he from me.  I sometimes have these moments where I fear that one day it will be too late, I have this visual that I am on the phone with someone who is causing me a lot of stress that is inconsequential, and I am caught up inn it.  At the same time I hear my husband has gotten into an accident, I see myself with an unbearable amount of pain and saying to myself, wow, I was so caught up in all this, I never appreciated this amazing soul – and now it is too late…

(reminiscent of the feelings from that first break up…in many ways)

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I forgot to add, you wrote: “You shared in this post that your anxiety started with the ending of the relationship with N, the ex boyfriend. I don’t think so. I think that what happened is that you did a good job not having a felt-awareness of the anxiety before the breakup with N, but the anxiety was there. With the breakup, the anxiety intensified, arrived at your awareness and you felt it. You also felt the grief of your childhood.”

Thank you for pointing this out.  I want to hear more of your thoughts about this. This is something  I struggled with for years.  I now read what you wrote and believe it and see it.  As the anxiety was always there, the imprinting was always there – the mother voice is and was omnipresent.

But specifically  I want to know – what makes you say the anxiety was always there?