Good morning,

To answer your question: yes. I have great support to continue my journey. And yes, in order to continue this journey- it is important to make space for it. To create an environment for it. To facilitate it to the best of my ability.

I think in many ways it’s never felt like that was something that was a priority. It was more that it was something that was “just dealt” with. This was during a time in which I did not value peace. I valued being a good daughter. Thinking those could be hand in hand. Which they can not. Nope not in this situation. Anyway, no matter what the location or the job – to place value on keeping some space for such is quite important.

I am glad to share this time with you.

I will add more about this soon

Dear Anita,

I thought of you over and over yesterday. I had one of my first set backs last night. No it did not have to do with my parents. It had to do with a friend. I remember a few months ago when all this was new we had many great conversations about how it will be important for me to preserve my cocoon so to speak. It will be important for me to make space for healing and not expose myself to too many different individuals. You would also mention that when I do begin to talk to friends, at first it may be very difficult or quite trying. Very true and I had done a good job prior maintaining that space. Well now that a few months have passed, there have been a good number of friends that have found their way back into my life.  Of course as my choice.  I still do not talk to certain individuals not on purpose but becauseThe situation has not arisen. Others I’m OK never speaking to again.There’s one friend in particular, That was quite close to me throughout my life, since college. She’s the kind of person that I would say has always been a good friend, but I never truly liked her entire character. In short, she is an extremely flaky and unreliable person. When she is with you it is amazing it is 1 million bucks, you have a great time she’s all there. However she is not the kind of person that you know will definitely not flake on you. This sounds kind of silly given that we are in our 30s. But of course the sort of people exist always.  Our last interaction before now was her being a huge part of our wedding, being quite supportive and doing it good amount to plan. But of course this was in between her being unreliable and doing what was only convenient  for her own self, her selfish ways.  Anyway overall she is a good friend in front of you but a flakey person overall. So she reached out to me via email about four weeks ago. She was saying how she misses me, she hopes I’m OK, and is worried that she hadn’t heard from me in a few months which is unlike me. I immediately Without thought texted her and had a conversation—it did feel good at first to speak to an old friend that I’ve known for so long, we instantly got back into Sync. She then mentioned how we need to hang out. I had stated to her that I was off today, this Friday because of the holiday weekend, and I was looking forward to coming into New York City as I had not gone there in a while.   She mentioned that she was off too (lives in nyc) and that I should come over. Great. However that same creepy feeling sink in, the feeling of, I don’t actually think this is going to happen because she’s going to flake. But I didn’t really think much of it Bc it wasn’t a major plan and we have been busy with relocation talks. So then two weeks pass and it’s yesterday, I Text her in the morning and we are chatting and I get this weird strange gut feeling, that she is not all there and she is being distant.  I am not offended I just see it’s an old pattern. She gets like this when she wants to flake. So of course knowing what I know I start already in assuming that she is going to cancel last minute. And of course yesterday at 9 PM I get a message from her that she has to go into work emergently and that she would love to reschedule, she feel so bad at Cetera. Yes of course this could be possible, but it is highly unlikely with her line of work. Moreover, I have an incredible sense of gut feeling and intuition.  So pretty much – I was right  she is who she is – as always

So here is the point of my post, it’s not that I am so sad that I won’t spend time with her. I feel like this Anita, I was strong enough to cut out my own parents that gave birth to me in February. That takes a man strength and courage that is unknown to most individuals. At that same time I did shelter myself from a lot of negativity and created a nice warm cozy cocoon of healing. Now that it is a few months forward I understand that people will seep into my life. However I feel annoyance and anger at myself for allowing this flaky person a second chance in my life, I had a sense of relief when I did not talk to her anymore because I did not have to be subject to such treatment. Yet, in my stronger and wiser ways now, why would I allow her a second chance? When she emailed me I could have been generic with her, I could have said oh hello yes everything is great we will speak soon. Why did I have to jump into the old pattern?  Of course I know I cannot be hard on myself about this, I was truly being my own self, I am an honest and open person and so when she reached out to me I acted as I always do. Authentic. However I will say that I felt a great deal of annoyance and anger last night. And like I said it has a lot to do with the fact that I opened up myself to something that was entirely unnecessary, I have such low tolerance for toxicity, negativity and flaking and knowing that this individual is not a great addition into my life I do feel that it was a miss on my end to even allow her a chance. Even though I can reason all of this, I will say it gave me quite a big setback. It is far bigger than the actual situation at hand in that I won’t be hanging out with a friend. It is not really about that it is reaching far beyond that, I feel that this is also a sign that I do have to backtrack and protect myself a little bit more, just because individuals want to interact with me doesn’t mean that I have to jump to it. Just like a few months ago —I do have to deliberately maintain that safe space for me because I am already starting to feel Strung out and this has been the first incident in which Communicating less with a certain friend would be the best choice. I would love to know your thoughts on above. I will end it with this, I feel like I was an orange, I’m nice plump and juicy orange I had all my slices with me. Then of course I gave one away, to my husband, to my sister, to my best friend. Great I have a warm and cozy Coccoon within me as an orange and I have given a few important slices away. Now we fast forward to May, I now have given away half of the slices, due to the number of individuals and I’ll communicate with again. It is hard to feel nice and soft and cozy in that cocoon  because so many of my slices are gone. I want to maintain that Cocoon so to speak.  I will get some of those slices back, giving them away is not worth it, it is at what cost, my sense of peace and safety.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Thank you yes! A mistake is right. And given that I was able to do that with my parents I was extra hard on myself about making this mistake with someone far less important. As though if I am so far progressed in that manner, why would I be foolish to let this person in. Anyway it was insanely apparent yesterday this person has zero place in my life. Not for making plans – no – not for any interaction. I found the whole thing MUCH more exhausting than “usual”. I see this is because I am still In the Acute healing phase. Every bit of energy I give away takes away from my me.

Dear Anita,

I am going to do a scan of myself today. The difference and what I feel right now, versus when I was interacting with less people. Of course a baseline level of anxiety exist with in me given that we are undergoing decisions about our careers and location. This is an aside, I have always dealt better with these sort of major life stressors more than personal relationship type things. One thing I do notice like I said in my first post is that given that I have opened up interaction to more than a few people, I am feeling less and less safe in a way. I don’t think the right word is safe, maybe it is exposed, I am feeling more exposed. Hmm – no that may not be the right word either, because I am not embarrassed it’s not that I am even talking about very private things with these people, I think it is more like this, I don’t feel as grounded, I do not feel as whole and full, I feel like little parts of me Are given away and so I have a deficit. Such as a deficit of sleep and the need to restore. This is it – I need to step back and restore. It’s great to make progress it’s great to get back into normal life, but it doesn’t have to be to an extreme, it doesn’t have to be to a way that feels similar to that before life.  Deliberate practice allows us to pick and choose what serves us, my practice today of speaking with you and scanning my life right now allows me to realize that I need some more restoration.  Less interaction more restoration.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thank you, yes I am doing just that. It hasn’t even been a full day yet but I already notice a shift back to two months ago. It made me realize something: that we are never too far from our security blanket that we are seeking.  We may shy away, but it is never too difficult to come back to our comfort zone in which we feel safe and secure.  this doesn’t mean that a safety zone is without adventure a possibility, but it is the zone in which we feel like we can be our best self. If I know that there is a place where I can be my best self, why not pursue it? Why not live in it, why not breathe in it. Why not. it has taken a lot of trial and error and experience to come to such realizations. As time goes on what works and doesn’t work may also change. There is fluidity in our comfort zones. I am grateful to know what serves me and what does not. I hope you are having a great Friday. I have had a quite restorative one so far.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I feel the same about you.

This morning I woke up and I was reading something, and this quote came up

“what you seek is seeking you“

This one, in fact I connected with.  Yesterday, I can relate to this- actually this whole past month.  I had a minor setback because of a mistake, and I found that I was a little bit off track. I found that I was going on this nice path, and I had a little stumble. I also felt that there was a sort of magnetic pull to get back on track. This relates to the quote above: what I seek is seeking me. Not only was I seeking to get back on track, the healing journey -was also seeking me. It was telling me in subliminal Ways, we were seeking each other.  These Ways it was telling me: can be in the way we manifest  our unease and discomfort. It was for me. Over the last month I found myself having certain tendencies that I did months ago before I was on this healing journey, so to speak.  I was feeling more anxious throughout the day, I wasn’t making as much time to go to the gym. I was finding that talking things out and explaining things to people was a better use of time then looking inward.   I wasn’t “sitting with myself as much, I was looking more outward again. These are all things that were quite common within me prior to the last few months. I am not judging these things, but I will say that they were not serving me as well as what my progress in the last few months has. In fact I can say that those tendencies were and are a hindrance to my healing path. Thus, the discomfort and Unease I felt over the last month showed me that my healing journey was looking to me and seeking me-saying come back.   It was saying look this doesn’t feel great, come back to me, come back on the path that’s right. This to me means that we are never truly lost, WHEN we have a strong sense of a personal growth journey within ourselves—we will never stumble too far, we will seek our chosen path again it due time, and it too will seek us.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for sharing that with me. Not only is that refreshing for me to hear, and makes me glad that you are at that point. It also makes sense of what I have been feeling over the last few days, that magnetic pull to get back on track.  It is something that I trust.

Wow. Just wow!