Dear Anita,

The topic of my post today is: Habit

How often we feel we don’t have control over a behavior, situation, or a feeling – but if we dig deep the root of it is habit.

I found today that It is my tendency, or habit, to always help and be involved.  I find this over the last few weeks in a few different scenarios.  I don’t find this is a bad quality, in fact it is quite good when it comes to helping others – however, it is the quality that has led me to be chronically tired, and often worn out.

-when i heard our friend had a baby, i immediately looked at my calendar over the next month to find a good date to visit.  i found it would be tough since they live a few hours ago.  when we discussed with them, they stated they have a lot of visitors this month so no rush and not to worry – come when we have the time.  How refreshing to hear! Yet…I found that my habitual behaviour to prioritize a visit over what was “convenient” for myself kicked in immediately.

-today at work I was having a great day, I finally had a moment to relax and sit and eat lunch – when I saw a bunch of people rushing to a room.  I automatically ran there to see what the fuss was about and how to help a possible patient in need.  This is ingrained in me given my profession.  When I arrived there, the problem had been taken care of.  I found that perhaps I didn’t need to drop everything and run, so to speak.  Sure in this situation it was warranted as it is the hospital – but it showed me that I ALWAYS do that.  Even if it is a friend or family member reaching out with distress, I feel it is my immediate need to help instantly!

I know I have the time and energy to look inward FIRST.  I know that most things in life do not need an immediate “drop and run” response.  I know that I can value my sanity and peace prior to jumping into an outward situation.  I know habit is at the root of a lot of this – and I am aware.

Dear Anita,

Happy Monday.  I had a relaxing weekend during which I was able to enjoy some wholesome activities fully with mindfulness.  Oh what a feeling! Almost strange at first.  It felt at first I was ‘missing” something.  Shouldn’t I be worried, shouldn’t I be planning, isn’t there something to be stressed about.  I can just sit here at the lake and be in the moment and enjoy – far too easy!

But yes, I can! I see that like anything else, being and staying relaxed is also practice, a deliberate one in many ways!

I see clearly many things, people, and activities that don’t serve me, and I am glad I have the courage and confidence to not indulge in them.

Dear AnitaThank you!

Going along with this.  How good it feels (or starting to feel) to say (or more likely think out loud) without guilt the following…<

Sorry, I am not interested

Sure, why not  (let people be..)

I’ll have to get back to you

Sorry I can’t talk right now

I’m doing well. period

Oh that’s nice (period..no need to ask/say more)<

I know that stinks, I am not sure what to say (nor is it my duty to whip up something great to say)

Talk to you later (and mean it, not feel anxious I need to talk NOW)

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I will make it a weekend project to print all of them out, and bind them.  What a treat it would be to read in the future, or during times where I may need some motivation.

I still find myself astonished at how “simple” things can be.  Like in my previous post, it is almost strange, and will take practice.  For example today, my focus can be on what I want to make for dinner, and looking forward to my yoga class.  That’s it! It does not have to be speckled with worry about calling someone back.  It doesn’t have to be being glued to the phone from one place to the other, not even realizing how I got there.  It does not have to be all about someone else (thinking I have to end this activity just to get on the phone to make sure X person is okay).  No it does not.  I am allowed for it to be simple.  It will take practice to embrace simplicity.  It will take practice to ENJOY simplicity.  It will take practice for simplicity to become second nature.  The practice can begin now.

Good morning Anita,

Food for thought today.  I have been quite introspective since early this morning.  Perhaps that is the benefit of a good night of sleep finally.

I had a long drive to work today; while I was driving I heard an old song that brought up fond memories.  I found myself thinking back to that time when I was an adolescent, and many positive memories enveloped me.  I thought to myself, if I focused on only this – it would be difficult to understand the issues I am dealing with at present.  It occurred to me the following: many people must have difficulty grasping the present, when they positive memories of the past.  It made me ask something out loud:

If in reality there were positive events and associations in the past, were they false – given what is happening now?

The important statement is the following: the past positive is not false, but more importantly, the present negativity is true.  Simply put, the fact that things are “bad” now does not negate the “good” in the past – moreover, the focus is that the current is “bad” period.  And that is enough.

The present is key.  The past does not justify the present, the future does not justify the present.  The present is just that, it is now.

A classic more tangible example is a woman going through a divorce.  She may look back at their time during dating and recall fond memories.  They were by all means true.  She looks now at her husband’s infidelity and is astonished it could be the same person.  Was the past all fake? Perhaps not.  Perhaps he changed.  However, if she goes by above she will not beat herself up over finding this answer about whether the past is real or not.  Often we are so caught up in this question that we spend all of our energy THERE and not HERE.

The past was real, and her memories are true.  This does not negate the present state of distress and discomfort due to this individual’s actions.  They are both real, they are both true.  Life is now, and based on now, she must limit her distress, and free herself from the inciting agent.

WE are not responsible for deciphering the past and whether all accounts are reality.  As you said to me over a year ago, this is more the job of a jury in the court of law – not that of a daughter, sister, wife, etc.  We are not in the court of law, we are in our own life.

We must be the protectors of our own life.  If not us, then who? No one, including our own self, should be the judge of this.  What we feel in the present is the truth. We are entitled to the truth now and always.

Dear Anita,

thank you for wording this so clearly. “lose the nostalgia.”

I am beginning to see this.  It is not that I look back at an old moment and feel angry, or feel that “wow that was all a lie!” It is more that I see the whole scenario.

With my feeling in the car, I saw myself a an adolescent having an enjoyable summer.  I also saw that during this time my parents weren’t “attacking” me in the same way as there was nothing I was doing to threaten them.  I was a young girl living in their home.

I was not threatening their idea of self worth by meeting a man who has a much better set of parents.  I wasn’t “leaving” home by getting married and “abandoning them.” IN that moment that summer they were the same as they are now, flawed and terrible.  YET it just had not manifested in the way it did years later, at present.  The truth is all there – it is just a matter of what we see at the time.

Dear Anita,

I think about what we have spoken about everyday.  It has been over 2 weeks since I last wrote to you.  The hiatus of writing in between is not because I did not think to write, it was that often I did not know where to begin.

I have felt a paralyzing anxiety many times over the last month.  This does not have to do with my parents (well everything is related to them – so that is not true).  What I mean to say is this anxiety has been related to our major life decision of: should we move or stay here.

As you know, over the last few months, my husband and I have given a lot of thought to relocating.  This has been for a variety of reasons including, a different type of life, climate, new job opportunities, etc. Given that we are both physicians, the career aspect is key.  At the beginning of this month, we were dead set on relocating to California.  (we live on the east coast).  This is a location I have wanted to move my entire life.  Weather is a huge thing for me, as I love to spend time outdoors, and I am sensitive to the mood changes that come with cold long winters.  I have some great friends out there, and overall, I have always felt I “belonged there.”

I was able to find a career opportunity for myself out there which is pretty good: stable, good long term potential to grow, and decent salary.  Southern California is a very desirable place for relocation, so the job market is worse than perhaps anywhere in the country for doctors.  On the flip side, my husband, who is a surgeon, did not find an employment position – but instead another surgeon he would collaborate with.  What this would mean is that he would be going out there and starting his own private practice.  In theory this could be great, but like any other business, you start from nothing and build your way up.  It takes time to get known in the community, and build a reputation.  It requires the sacrifice of time and money of course.This is not wrong, but of course quite scary.

So in contrast here, where we live now.  I have a job that is fine. My husband has been working with 2 other surgeons, who have recently asked him to become a partner in their group.  This means that he would be able to continue to work here with them in an established practice.  In contrast to California, he has a career here – he does not have to build one.

Now if I were you, and reading this.  I would think – well pick whats best for you overall.  All factors come in to play, the state, the environment, the jobs, the people, etc, etc.  Yes – this is true.

However, over the last week one thing has been hitting both my husband and I the most: we want to start living.

After training for over 12 years, after all the stress of the wedding, after all the horrendous stress of my parents, after the horrific recent months with their constant intrusion into our marriage  – we want to breathe, and live, and focus on US.

In this case all fingers point to: then stop seeking the hustle – appreciate what you have and begin to live.  No need to run to California and start all over.  Here you have something great in front of you.

Interestingly all week we have been feeling as though we were not able to appreciate what we have in front of us here.  How could we? We moved here 2 years ago, at the peak of my parent’s insanity.  Every moment of last summer was full of issues (as you know).  We could be in Bali, or the slums, or in Malibu  – it wouldn’t matter.  Our quality of life was crap because my parents terrorized every moment of it.  Therefore, we didn’t know if we were unhappy -period, or unhappy here.  I see now that we aren’t unhappy here. In fact we live in a great community, and there truly isn’t anything “wrong.”  Now that we have a chance to live here in a more normal way, we appreciate it..  We were at the park the other day and felt, this is great! Here we can move forward.  buy a house, think about the next steps in life.   In many ways relocating, may halt some of that as you are starting fresh (especially given that he will have to put a huge investment into starting a practice out there)

Moreover, my husband’s parents live locally.  We have been spending more time with them, and I have truly grown to appreciate it.  I notice that over the last 2 years I didn’t pay much attention to that.  I was so brainwashed and consumed by my parents, I didn’t even think much about my in laws.  Now that I am able to enjoy time with them without the poison of my parents. (without my mother calling the day after and saying things like oh you went there, yes theyre going to try to be fake to you to win you over…or god knows what) -I notice our time with them is just simple good quality time.  It is quite refreshing to have that with family.

Lastly, we do want a family one day.  And that one day will be sooner than later I am sure.  I have started thinking about how it would be nice to have his parents nearby during that time.  NOT because I am sad my parents aren’t in the picture.  No.  But simply because his parents are good people, and it would be great if they had a bigger role in our future children’s life.

I am glad to share all of the above with you.  It is different than many of our conversations before.  I like that I can explain this important time to you.

I know we will figure it out.  We will be making the decision over the next 2 weeks.  I haven’t ruled out California from my mind, as I know the right decision will come to us.  Yet, I know given all the above we are leaning a certain way…

it feels to me that I read it as: you don’t always have to seek – sometimes you can stay…